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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and understanding Oracle, mine is a sad tale, but one which may > yet, through your intervention, have a happy ending. > > When I was a lad, my grandfather told me that there are three things > every man must know, but not until he becomes a man. Before I grew to > adulthood, though, my grandfather, alas, left us. To this day, whenever > I call him, that Vegas showgirl he left grandma for hangs up on me, > and I still don't know what three things I must know, now that I am a > man. > > What, O Oracle, with eyes that see all, are the three things my > grandfather mentioned to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your grandfather was a wise man.  He wanted to make sure you got the } best out of life, and weren't killed unnecessarily by being thrown into } the Gorge of Eternal Peril by the old man from scene 24. } } The three things you must know are: } Your name, } Your quest, } and your favorite color. } [The airspeed velocity of an unladen (African) sparrow is also useful.] } } If you always keep these things in the front of your mind, you will } succeed in life, and will never be thrown into the Gorge of Eternal } Peril. } } Of course, you will be forever distracted and not be able to } concentrate on anything else, but such is the price you pay for success } in life. } } You owe the Oracle two swallows, a cocunut and a small bit of twine.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Enlighten me, O knowledgable and most groovy oracle, who could sing > just like Bob Dylan but mercifully chooses not to, who sometimes hangs > out with Tom Petty, and yet who does not claim to be a born-again > Christian... > > How many roads must a man walk down? > > And don't tell me 42, either.  I've heard that one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, great question.  I know, I'll call up all the Wilburys and ask } them. } } [beep-beep-boop-bop-beep-beep-beep] [Riiiing, Riiiiing] } "Hi, this is George Harrison, I'm not in right now, so please leave a } message at the tone.  And if this is Paul or Ringo, hahahahah, I found } another group, so there nyah." } } Hmmm, well, let's try Jeff Lynne } } [Riiiiing, Riii] } } "Hello?" } } 'Is this Jeff Lynne?' } } "Yeah, how did you get this number?" } } 'I'm the Oracle.' } } "Look, I quit ELO a long time ago, ok?  I wish those guys the best of } luck with the new album, but right now, I'm trying to focus on my } career as a producer, ok?" } } 'No, no, not ELO, Or-a-cle.' } } "Oh, sorry, I'm just getting kind of fed up with all those calls." } } 'I understand, but maybe you can help out, how many roads must a man } walk down?' } } "42?" } } 'Sorry, he knows that one.' } } [Riiiiiing, Riiiiing, Riiiing, Riiing] } } "Hello?" } } 'Roy?' } } "Look, I'm kind of busy now, can you call ba..<CRASH>  Jimi!  Put the } guitar down!  Sorry, but can you maybe <BOOM>  Damn it Lennon!  If you } and Janis want to do that, go get your own place, I'm still cleaning up } from last time." } } 'Ummm, Roy, can you just tell me how many roads must a man walk down?' } } "Oh, sure that's easy, it ...<BANG-BOOM-CRASH-SHATTER> That's it } Presley, get out!!!   Sorry, ummm, look, I've got this party going on, } could you call back?" } } [Riiiing] } } "Hey." } } 'Ummm, is this the Petty household?' } } "Hey." } } 'Is this Tom?' } } "Hey." } } 'Well, Tom, maybe you can tell me, how many roads must a man walk } down?' } } "Hey, is this the Oracle?" } } 'Hey.' } } "Hey, O. s'up?" } } 'Not much, and you?' } } "Got the new album out.  Tour startin' soon.  Roads a man must walk } eh?" } } 'Hey.  I like the album by the way.  Say, isn't _Learing to Fly_ a Pink } Floyd song though?' } } "Hey, thanks.  Hey, it is, but mine is better." } } 'Thought so.  About the roads?' } } "Hey, ummm 42?" } } [Riiiiing, Riiii] } } "Hlleee" } } "Bob?" } } "Yeeeeeee" } } "Bob, how many roads must a man walk down?" } } 'Theee nzwr m frrrd z blwn n th wnnd thee nzwr z blwwn wnd' } } "That's what I thought.  Say Bob, when are you getting your jaw } unwired?" } } Well, hope that settles it for you. } You owe the Oracle 'Travelling Wilburys, Vol. 2' CD

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wizzbang Oracle, whose wizdum inspires us all.  Pray tell, > how much work could a network work if a network could net work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (A first year comp sci student and }  a first year maths student are }  sitting in an anonymous computer }  center) } } "Gee, this stats assignment is a real }  bummer." } } "What's the problem?" } } "The whole thing. Maybe I should have }  gone to some of the lectures." } } "Well, you can always fail this }  assignment and blitz the exam." } } "No chance. This is worth 60 per cent." } } "Look, I know where you can get help." } } "Yeah?" } } (Comp sci student leans over in a }  conspiratorial manner) } } "I'll post something to sci.math.stat }  for you. People are only too pleased }  to help. Now what are the problems?" } } "Well there's this one about the time }  to failure of a light bulb." } } "OK - 'I have a friend (no net access) }  who owns a light bulb and would like }  to know how long 95% of his bulbs }  will last if they fail, on average, }  every 150 hours.'" } } "Yeah, that's good. No one will ever }  know this is an assignment." } } (several days later) } } "Here are the replies. I was in a }  hurry so I just printed them all out }  without reading them." } } "Ok, thanks a lot for that, that's a }  real help. I'll just write them out }  and hand it all in." } } (a first year maths lecture is in }  progress) } } "...and would whoever wrote 'your }  friend with the light bulb can do }  his own $%&*@ homework' please come }  and see me afterwards." } } "GULP" } } - The moral of the story? The network can net work, }   but the net work of the network is less than the }   net work of the net working to trap work networking. } } - You owe the Oracle a damned fine exam performance.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which will be a hotter rental this fall, the downpriced "Home Alone" > or the 5-hour spectacle, "Dances with Wolves?" I need to know so I > can buy into the proper title and not be left with another "Dick Tracy" > fiasco (nobody rents it anymore).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid neither is going to do well this season.  The suprise hit, } soon to be released in theatres, will be "Home Alone With Wolves", in } which a precocious, cute little kid uses Rambo-style tactics to fight } off a rabid pack after his parents mistake them for poodles and leave } them to babysit.  Of course, the stunning conclusion of the story, in } which the happy-go-lucky child is killed and eaten, is its strongest } selling point.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle whose footwear I am not worthy > to contemplate, > > How may I convince people that the Usenet Oracle > is more important than mere lectures ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy.  Start by dousing all people who DON'T realise that I am more } important than lectures in cheap perfume.  Now it will be easy to keep } track of the ones you need to work on. } } Next, put up lots of flyers proudly announcing: } }               USENET ORACLE HAS FOUND A }               SURE FIRE REMOVER FOR ANY }               BRAND OF CHEAP PERFUME!!! } } Later, of those who still aren't convinced, soak them with skunk musk, } then put up flyer all around which read: } }               USENET ORACLE IS THE ONLY }               ONE TO SAFELY DEFUSE EVEN }               DEADLY ODER OF SKUNK MUSK } } For the last few hold outs . . . } } Pour generous amounts of kerosene and light, then (without even posting } any flyers) there will be no more people who aren't convinced in the } importance of the Usenet Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle execution of the above plan.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wonderous and spigniferous oracle, who is very oracle-like in > his manner... > > I've been told that the only reason bees can fly is because nobody's > told them that they can't.  I more suspect the reason bees fly is > because those flappy things on their backs are wings.  How does all > this relate to the fact that my cat eats them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         The theory about no-one telling them has to do that, by } conventional aerodynamics laws, bees and such shouldn't be able } to get enough lift out of the wings. If you go into advanced } modeling (such as the ORACLE does in with his spare processing } power), then it can be seen that they can, indeed fly. Or you can } just go look at one and trust that it all makes sense. (It } actually doesn't, but bees flying isn't one of the areas that } doesn't.) }         The reason your cat is eating the bees is that is } attempting to enforce the laws of aerodynamics as it understands } them, by capital punishment. Don't worry about it, worry about } the neighbor's dog who's about to test the theory that cats have } nine lives. } }         You owe the ORACLE a land flowing with milk, honey, AND } oil-- I'm not as stupid as some ancient peoples.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wisest of all things, > Is there a omnipotent being (God), and if so, why does > he permit all this pain and suffering on earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is an Omnipotent Being, who may be called God, but for face to } face meetings "Sir" or "Madam" is more appropriate, depending on the } manifestation. } } Pain and suffering serve many purposes. It can lead one to increased } spirituality, charity, kindness, and wisdom. It has often been } observed, and rightly so, that it is only through suffering that a } person can truly learn. } } In your case, however, things are a little different. In eight days } you're going to be visited by boils, constipation, a plague of locusts, } deafness, bad seventies disco songs running through your mind, mange, } the IRS, and assorted relatives. The reason for these tribulations } is that God bet Satan that, no matter what happened to you, you would } never put on a grass skirt and appear on "Oprah." Your suffering is } designed to weaken your mind and leave it open to the post-hypnotic } suggestions Satan plans to give you during the twenty minutes a night } your sleep won't be wracked by horrifying dreams of eternal damnation, } Tupperware parties, and ugly naked people exercising. } } My advice is to grin and bear it, and, if you care for your immortal } soul, stay out of Chicago. } } You owe the Oracle a pack of Job rolling paper, extra wide.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the heck is the meaning of a normally distributed variable with > mean 0 and variance 2 got to do with regression trees? I dont > understand this crap!! > > Thanks in advance O wise one!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't worry about it. Sixteen days from now you'll be recruited by the } CIA, assigned a life of intrigue and romance abroad, and given access } to thirty million untracable Swiss francs. If I were you, I'd kick } back and relax for the next two weeks. } } You owe the Oracle a postcard from Zagreb, Yugoslavia.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose whose faults are faultless, whose peers are > peerless, whose taste is tasteless, tell me, what is the worst movie of > all time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Terminator 30-something" (Tristar/Warner/Disney Pictures, 2017). } After Arnold Schwarzenegger acquired and merged the three parent } companies, he re-tooled their studios to produce Terminator movies } exclusively, at a rate of 4 to 6 per year.  In this sequel, in which } Meryl Streep returns as Mrs. T, the Terminator continues his personal } growth into a caring, understanding husband.  The action of the movie } revolves around a family crisis which arises when Mrs. T is fired from } her accountancy firm in the same week as her analyst retires, and the } Terminator wipes out 35% of the Fortune 500 in retribution. } } The movie was classified as hazardous waste in most jurisdictions. } } You owe the Oracle a large popcorn and a box of Milk Duds.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a man walk down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One for each he walks up, if he wants to get home that day.