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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky!  There's a message in this bottle! } } Rocky: Gee, Bullwinkle, what's it say? } } Bullwinkle: Kinda hard to read... } } Rocky: Because it's in a foreign language? } } Bullwinkle: Nope. } } Rocky: Because it's in code? } } Bullwinkle: Nope. } } Rocky: Because it's faded from the sun? } } Bullwinkle: Nope. } } Rocky: Then why can't you read it? } } Bullwinkle: Nothin' there to read! } } Rocky: Hokey Smokes, Bullwinkle, it must be written in invisible ink!! } } Bullwinkle: Now why didn't I think of that? } } Announcer: Because you're a moose.  Will our intrepid heroes be able to } decypher the mysterious message in the bottle?  Tune in next time } for... } }                             INVISIBLE, INC. } } or... } }                        THE PRINTS AND THE PAPER! } } You owe the Oracle a complete collection of Rocky & Bullwinkle on VHS.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh great, grand, mighty, magnificent, wise, wonderful Oracle: > > Why do people insist on posting to USENET without thinking before they > write? And afterwards, why can't they figure out why everyone wants to > flame them? > >       -Your humble, honorable net-servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To My Lowly Net-Slave } }       Just because one can type on a IBM PS/2, does not mean one has }       the ability to communicate intelligently. } }       No matter how many apes one places in front of a type writer, }       there is no chance that any of these apes will produce a copy }       of the Complete Works of William Shakespeare. } }       Dannon Yogurt, unlike USENET, possesses a living active culture. } } You owe the Oracle an IBM PS/2, the Complete Works of William } Shakespeare, and two containers filled with Dannon Yogurt -- preferably } blueberry.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are there never enough minutes in a day to spend > having sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chronos, the God of Time has been suffering from impotence lately.  He } decided that if he wasn't getting any, then nobody else would either. } } You owe the Oracle some old time in a bottle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Birds are very strange creatures. } They are attracted by a variety of things. } Bread Crumbs will bring them near and  most birds are attracted } to water fountains but, the number one thing that attracts birds is the } bald spots on top of peoples heads.  They are flying around just } trying to take aim at these glistening targets. } } The Oracles suggestion is to where a hat or buy a large supply of } towels.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happened to Betty Page?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     The Betty Page I know (the one raised by slugs) had, as you know, } started a personal slug-vendetta when she came home to Wichita, Kansas } at the age of 31 from a remote slug farm in Arkansas, only to discover } that she was actually a member of the vile human race.  Torn by the lie } her nurturing slug-parents had told her, she started her own business, } Salt-A-Slug.  Since anything is commercialable in the United States, } the daily salt-a-slug fests became quite the national rage.  So one } night the slighted slug population rose up and seized the city of } Wichita, Kansas, and kidnapped Betty Page.  They shipped her to } Womslimba, the island of the infamous slug king Islithermen.  She was } placed in a permanent trance and forced to sluggishly slave for the } slugs, having to grease the back of every slug who came to her.  Betty } Page is still greasing slug backs, even as we speak . . .

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are the Illuminati always watching me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm - I note a distinct lack of abasement, which makes me } reluctant to accellarate my efforts to help you.  I also } note a shortage of flattery, which I suppose means you're } not trying to sing your question.  So why should I help you? } } Top 10 Oracular Cop-Out "Answers" to "what is nougat" } 10. What isn't Nougat? }  9. Peanut smegma. }  8. A mixture of corn syrup and agar-agar. }  7. Just like you were told by your peers as a young child, it's }     monkeysnot. }  6. What querents who don't treat the Oracle properly get }     turned into. }  5. Half an orangutang that's been tossed in a blender. }  4. Mayonaise that's been left out for too long. }  3. I don't know, but if you eat enough of it, you'll see Elvis! }  2. A cheap way to make a bigger candy bar. } And the number one Oracular Cop-out answer to the alleged } question "what is nougat" is: }  1. What the government makes from all those 15lb. blocks of cheese }     it has sitting around in warehouses that it can't or won't give }     away. } } Anyhow, I guess I'll answer your question anyhow, seeing as how } you took the trouble to punctuate it and capitalize it, unlike } the schmuck who asked me about the nougat. } } The Illuminati always watch everyone.  It's their job as a world-wide } ultra-powerful conspiracy.  So don't worry, it's just... Hmm, they do } seem to pay rather a _lot_ of attention to you, don't they.  Maybe it } would be a good idea to listen in on one of their secret meetings... } } "...according to our meters.  Somehow these people are achieving }  incredible wisdom in spite of unremarkable auras.  And this isn't an }  isolated..." } "Do you think it could be drugs?" } "Well, many of the subjects are college students with access to the }  usual array of mind alterants - but there's no common factor between }  the subjects. Some are heavy users, other abstainers. There's just }  no..." } "Actaully, it's the BBC controlling us from London." } "Are they all philosophy majors or something?  Maybe there's some wave }  of thought going around in disparate circles that we've missed }  somehow..." } "Actually, most of them are computer science students." } "Personally, I suspect the Erisian Liberation Front of interfering }  somehow." } "You're kidding.  CS geeks, attaining fifth or sixth level }  consciousness?" } "I don't understand it myself.  They couldn't figure }  out so much on their own.  They know more than they should. Someone }  must be feeding them information." } "But how could they be learning these secrets? We watch all those with }  the knowledge.  We keep track of who they speak to.  We bug their }  rooms. We tap their phones.  We scan their mail.  Who could be }  granting them this wisdom? Who?" } } In the name of the widow's son, I put it to you: Who? } The first step of your initiation is now complete.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have been troubled for many sleepless nights pondering this question: > Where did the "wildcards" get the names Bang and Squish, for "!" and > respectively?  I humbly await your reply.  I am forever your slave and > minion.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Last I heard, the single character wildcard was ? ("huh"), not ! } ("bang") } } As with many computer terms, "huh" and "squish" started out as } acronyms. Now people say "Bash Bang" all the time, but few remember } what the terms stand for.  Sort of like most CS folk know RISC is chic, } but don't know what it means.  Anyhow, here for your enlightenment: } } mnem    sym Meaning/Comments } ----    -   ---------------- } squish  * Some Querents Unforgivably Irritate Supernatural Humans }                 So named because those querents who annoy the Oracle }                 tend to end up looking rather like that. About that }                 size, too. } huh     ? Hang Up, Hoser }                 Historically, people who call up bulletin boards and }                 don't know what they're doing will hit the '?' key in }                 an attempt to get help. Those boards without help }                 facilities have traditionally responded to this key }                 with the above phrase. } bang    ! Begin Another NewsGroup }                 So named because whenever posters start using too many }                 exclamation points, a flame war must be in progress, }                 and the only hope for sane posters is to form another }                 newsgroup where they can exist in peace for another }                 month. } snail   @ Symbol Next (to) Address In Login }                 Refers to usage of the symbol in e-mail. } pound   # People On Uppers Need Drugs }                 This acronym is probably apocryphal.  It's certainly in }                 bad taste.  This incarnation refers to the # as }                 "tictac", but no one understands this incarnation when }                 this incarnation does. They certainly don't understand }                 this incarnation's insistence on referring to this }                 incarnation's self in the third person all the time. } caret   ^ Carets Always Represent Exponents in Text } and     & Anders (is) Not Disney }                 Ask one of your dutch friends to explain this one. } twiddle ~ Two Worms In Delicious, Depraved, Libidinous Ecstasy }                 The less said about this one the better. } dot     . Dead On Target }                 Term came from military. Specific origins classified. } bash    \ Bi Annual Super Hero }                 Term used so much in rec.arts.comics that they decided }                 to use the \ symbol as an abbreviation } pipe    | Poop In People's Ears }                 Reminder of the inherent dangers of redirecting output. } comma   , Can (the) Oracle Make (up) More Acronyms? }                 No.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you hear something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes I did, and it WASN'T me. } } Was that you, George? } "Wouldn't be prudent to comment...at..." } } Stick it, Mr. President.  Er, Lieutenant, did you just...? } "Klingons do not, and if they did, you would KNOW it." } At ease, Lieutenant. } "I _am_ at ease." } } Forget it.  Pepe, was that you? } "Non, but did you just see a lovely femme skunque pass by here?  I can } still smell her..." } } Tank you bery much, Pepe.  Pee Wee? } "Ha, ha, no, I'm still showing all the boys and girls the fun you can } have with number ones...." } } Oh, say it ain't so, Pee. } } Gee, who else could it be?  Not YOU, I suppose. } <IF I DID, LIFE ON EARTH WOULD CEASE TO EXIST> } } I thought as much. } } Welp, the air is beginning to clear.  It looks like whoever it was got } any with it.  Oh, well, better luck next time. } } You owe the Oracle another can of Van Camp's.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Splendifourous Oracle >  HOW does one find one ROSE, and Where is the best place to LOOK?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How did *YOU* find out about the Ridiculous Oracular Simulation } Experiment? } } Oh, I see (since I am all-seeing and all-knowing).  Never mind, THAT } computer will not bother you with rumors of such things again.  I } gave it a permanent head crash. } } Since you know, I might as well tell you more. } } Your universe is nothing more than a simulation running on the Oracular } model i*pi computer.  To find it, percieve your version of reality. } Looking implies just one of your senses.  I did such a good job on the } simulation that you can not only look, but feel, smell, and hear it. } } You owe the oracle a simulated flower.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O `grep ful /usr/dict/words` oracle, please tell me > > I'm not going to ask you "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a > woodchuck could chuck wood" as you've answered this question far to > many times already. However, other mysteries from the animal kingdom > still puzzle me: > > How much beer would a bare bear bear if a bare bear could bear beer ? > > How many docks would a Doc duck duck if a Doc duck could duck docks ? > > How much booze would a loose moose lose if a loose moose could lose > booze ? > > Impatiently awaiting your answer....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Impatiently???? } } The Oracle does not approve of impatience.  Now hurry up and grovel. } That's better. } } The Oracle also does not appreciate being called the following: } } fulcrum } fulfill } full } fullback } fully } fulminate } fulsome } } As well as many of the words that _end_ in 'ful'.  However... } } (a) 13 gallons } (b)  2 per hour of rest } (c) 13 gallons, if the bear brought it and the duck didn't spill it }        by crashing into the dock. } } You owe the Oracle 13 gallons of beer.