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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ADD THE BAT WINGS, DOLT!  HURRY!  Sheesh.  Almost screwed it up there. } Now very carefully stir it with the indigo wand with the pink stripe } (be VERY sure that it isn't the light blue wand with the salmon } stripe). Ok, is it bubbling yet?  No?  Good.  Now sneak out of the lab, } jump in your Yugo and drive to the local International House of } Pancakes.  Ok, when you realize your Yugo won't make it past the first } block towards IHOP, hitchhike to Mount Rushmore, climb Lincoln's } Statue, break off the genuine rock nose hairs, and... } } Oh my god, I forgot about the salt. } } You owe the Oracle directions to the local bomb shelter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Most rightous Oracle dude who we are not worthy to read > Ecclesiastes to, what hath man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Most excellent dude.  He hath ... } }  1) Created a Home Shopping Network so he can purchase junk without }     ever having to leave his home. } }  2) Created Phone Sex so that he can talk dirty without having to }     bother with a relationship. } }  3) Created a Pizza Chain which will deliver hot and tasty pizza to his }     door quicker than 911 could ever hope to respond. } }  4) Created a Government which can seize his house, his business, his }     car, all his cash, his credit cards, and the shirt off his back, if }     a dope sniffing hound finds a twenty year old joint under his }     floor. } }  5) Created an entire Educational System which turns out millions of }     "graduates" who are dumber than a bag of hammers. } }  6) Created an Industry which manufactures adult diapers so he never }     has to wipe his sphincter and a goofy little thing-a-magig which he }     can press whenever he falls on his ass. } }  7) Created a Pop Music Industry where the primary instrument is a CD. } }  8) Created Ted Kennedy (enough said). } }  9) Created a cure for feminine moisture problems, cough. } } 10) Created a System of Religious Broadcasting so that man will never }     have to answer for himself the deep questions which he was put on }     this earth to uncover. Now he can sit back and listen to the likes }     of Pat Robertson, Jimmy Swaggart and of course Oral Roberts. Yes, }     man in his great wisdom gets his answers to "Life the Universe and }     Everything" from a man named Oral. } }  Here's a freebie. I just got word that The Royal Godhead is pissed. } Armageddon is Friday August 30th. I'd start packing now. } } You owe the Oracle something practical.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle!!!  Why all of the recent demand for questioners to grovel > and suck-up to you?  Is your ego suffering recently?  Has Lisa left you > for another wiser seer?  Are you upset because there will never be > another Dallas episode?  Or are you just being ornery? > > A supplicant who refuses to kiss up to you...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     In earlier days, you would have been changed immediately into a } newt (of course you would have gotten better).  However, I am feeling } much more genorous these days and will, therefore search for an } answer... } } [looking into the history of sucking-up archives ...] } }     It would seem that sucking-up has always been a part of human } nature. I do not actually crave it, but I do require it for your good. } See footnote under marriage to learn more about sucking-up. } }      As for Dallas, there hasn't been a real episode in years anyway. } } You owe the Oracle Jock's jock.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Utterly Stupendous and Tremendously Non-Heinous Oracle, where does lint > come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lint is a highly toxic by-product created by a certain bacteria, _B. } libutdon_, as it feeds off cloth fibers. The hot, humid environment } of clothes dryers is a perfect feeding ground for the bacteria, and } lint is generated in large quantities in such places. } } Lint is extremely dangerous to humans, composed as it is of solid } germ excrement, and will begin to do highly unpleasant things if } left in the sun too long: putrefy; sprout leaflike protuberances; } kill and adopt the shape of close friends; and so on. It is wise } to avoid skin contact with lint, as lint skin is highly corrosive, } and under no circumstances should more than 25 grams of lint be } inhaled directly into the lungs. } } You owe the Oracle the address of a good dry cleaners.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most Mighty, who cannot be compared to Ragu- not even Chunky style, > who, if were a Disney ride, would be an E ticket, who is bigger than > the biggest breadbox, I beg for knowledge. > > Please, O one who has perfectly trimmed nostril hair, tell me: if God > is everywhere, is he in the toilet?  So is it a sin to flush? > > If God is not everywhere, who is hiding under my bed?  And will he or > she do me favors for money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "And God said, let there be light, and there }  was light." } } "Electric light?" } } "No questions during the sermon please! Now, }  where was I, oh yes, and God divided heaven }  and Earth..." } } "Now hang on a second, I've got a question." } } "Oh alright, what?" } } "Was the light an electric light?" } } "No, it was natural light." } } "So my bathroom light is not God's light then." } } "I guess not." } } "So the light in my bathroom is the light of }  sin, and God cannot look upon sin, so he }  must not be in my bathroom. Except when it's }  dark. But Satan is the creature of darkness }  so God must never get to my bathroom at all." } } "Unless you have stained glass windows..." } } "But then the neighbours can see in, or at any }  rate everyone wants to know what the hell is }  going on in there." } } "OK, you're right, God doesn't come into your }  bathroom." } } "So it's safe to flush?" } } "Yes. And I know that means God isn't really }  omnipresent, but only because he honestly }  couldn't care less what goes on in your }  bathroom, stained glass windows or not." } } "Thankyou. Now, what about whatever it is that }  hides under my bed?" } } "Oh, her. Her name is Debbie and she does not }  do favours for money. Only expensive jewelry." } } "How do you know?" } } "I prayed for the answer. Debbie told me. Now, }  where was I? Oh yes, and temptation proved }  too strong..." } } (Sermon ends with a bolt of lightning striking }  down the preacher. The stained glass window }  breaks too.) } } You owe the Oracle a "Best of Jimmy Swaggart" video.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a Macintosh and an IBM PC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle wonders where you have been all these years. (Actually, } The Oracle _knows_ where you have been all these years, but sometimes } The Oracle likes to use common parlance even when it's not strictly } accurate). } } The IBM PC is actually a complicated device for performing various } kinds of complicated analysis of large amounts of information of } various kinds. An IBM PC is unlikely to be of much use in the rain, } and if it were, it wouldn't be of much use for performing various } kinds of complicated analysis of large amounts of information of } various kinds afterwards. } } You owe the oracle a black umbrella with windows.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   I recently bought a jar of peanut butter, labelled "Super Chunk!" > Now, I have this uneasy feeling when I'm eating a sandwich that the > "super chunks" are not actually peanuts.  Is there some basis for my > fears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "This is Rus Radic reporting live from the farm of Farmer Bob.  Farmer } bob grows peanuts for peanut butter.  We are here to investigate } rumors that the chunks in peanut butter are not actually made out of } peanuts.  Farmer Bob, can you comment on this?" } } "I don't know if I can.  We just grow and sort the peanuts here.  We } don't know what gets done to them at the factory afterwards." } } "You say you grow and sort the peanuts.  How do you sort the peanuts?" } } "Well, peanuts sit outdoors all the time, and they get this little } critters that munch on them.  You know, bugs and such.  Well, we put } the peanuts into three bins depending on how many bugs are inside the } shell.  In bin one, we put the nuts that have no bugs.  In bin } two, we put the nuts that have a small bug or two.  In bin three, we } put the nuts that have a swarm of bugs inside." } } "I see.  What happens to the nuts in the different bins?" } } "The factory takes the nuts in bins one and three.  We feed the nuts } in bin two to the cows.  Cows don't care about bugs, they add protein." } } "You say the factory takes the nuts in bin one AND three.  What do you } think happens to the nuts in bin three?" } } "You hit upon a real puzzler there.  Far as I can tell, the only } things that come OUT of the factory is two kinds of peanut butter: } smooth and 'Super Chunk!'.  I don't rightly know how they get rid of } the nuts from bin three." } } "This is Rus Radic signing off from another chapter in the nut chunk } story!  Who knows what sordid facts I'll uncover next week at the } factory!" } } You owe the Oracle a jar of "Super Smooth!" peanut butter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Between your long morning in bed with Lisa and the golf game in the > afternoon, could you kindly answer my simple question: > If the sky and oceans are blue, women drive me grazy and I can't > remember how to solve a differential equation, when will the third > world war begin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Since your question is fully dependent on the color of the sky, and } your hormonal reaction to large chested women, and the status of your } mathamatical amnesia I will not answer your question. } }   First off, the sky is not blue, you just see it that way.   With my } infanitly superior perceptions, I see the sky as a pastel mauve not the } hues of blue the rest of you color blind simians see it as. } }   Secondly, the only woman who should enrage your hormonal output is } Lisa, who's toenails you are not worthy of buffing much less polishing. } }   Third off, you can remember how to do differential equations, all } geeks can.  If only you knew that your entire mathmatics system is } based on a incorrect premise ... Oh well, some day you will learn. } }    Due to these three facts, your question can not be answered by the } oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you eat all the Cracklin' Oat Bran?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um.  Er.  Hmm..  Hang on a second. } } Lisa?  Hey Lisa!  (*THUMP* as Lisa tries to stand up, discovers she's } been tied to the bed in her sleep, and falls back down) } (Groggily)  Huh? } } Did you eat all the Crackling Oat Bran? } } How could I in this position? } } Oh.  Um.  Er.  Good point.  Hm....  I guess I DID, then. } You owe the Oracle a truckload of Crackling Oat Bran and a new matress.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's my True Name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay class, we're now going to enter another lesson in your path to } Oracle-dom. } } When people ask you really stupid questions that they obviously know } the answer to, what do you do?  You... down in the back...  Your } answer? } } -Uhh.  Tell them the answer anyway? } } Nooo.  That would be telling.  Anyone else?  You, in the navy-blue } sweater. } } -Infest their nostrils with small furry rodents? } } Noo, that's what you do when they poke fun at Lisa.  How about you? } } -Make them look really stupid in front of the world? } } Exactly!  Now then.  How do we answer a question like "What's my True } Name?" } } -Boy, are you dumb! } } No.  Too direct.  Anyone else? } } -I've got one! } } Take it! } ------------- } } The Oracle replies! } } Your True Name is the same one that's stiched in your Underwear. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Hanes, cuz I don't wear Fruit of the Loom!