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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HIGHLIGHTED ADS > Desperatedly looking for a gentle, beautiful, nice, cute, silent, > humble, blond, green-eyed, careful, honest girl, ready and wishful to > contract marriage with me. Candidates please call 0976-23-654 for the > blow job test.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will now peruse the Oracular Database of Beautiful, Blond, } Single and Suitably Desperate Women.  Hmm, only three entries.  How } odd.  Well, let's see... } } |Divorced White Female, 65, blond hair, seeks younger man (age not } |important; preferably 17-22) for friendship and more.  Let's recapture } |the youth I once had.  Enjoys knitting, shuffleboard, antiques, and } |wild screaming sex in dumpsters outside expensive restaurants. } |Looking for that special someone to fill the gap in my life. } } No, I don't think that one's quite right for you.  Ah, here's the next } one... } } |Asian ladies seek handsome men for friendship, marriage.  For this } |month's catalog, send $9.95 to SUNSHINE INTERNATIONAL, PO Box } } WAIT!  STOP!  How did this get in here??  I know they already advertise } in every men's magazine in the known universe, but I thought we had } escaped them!!  I must have a word with our Personals editor... } {fzzzzt....THOOM!!!} } } [We interrupt this Answer to bring you this special Oracular bulletin: }  HELP WANTED!  Need enthusiastic, intelligent supplicant for position }  of Personals Editor at Oracle, Inc.  Mail resume to: }    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu }  And now, back to our Answer.] } } Let's see now, here's the last entry: } } |Single White Female, 21, wishing to contract marriage.  Gentle, } |beautiful, nice, cute, silent, humble, blond, blue-eyed, careful, } |honest, and ready.  Loves giving blow jobs. } } Well, that looks promising...but...no, she doesn't have green eyes. } I'm sorry, but the Oracle can't connect you with the girl of your } dreams at this time.  Please query again, and don't forget the Oracle's } other exciting services: } } o Women's anonymous confessions to the Oracle!  For women ONLY. } o A woman's point of view...as simulated by the Oracle! } o One on one chat with someone just right for you...selected by the }   Oracle! } o And of course, the Oracular Dating Database!  Remember, hot sexy }   women who would never give you the time of day if you met them on }   the street are WAITING TO MEET YOU! } } You owe the Oracle $5.00 for the first minute, and $2.95 for each } additional minute.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Wise Oracle, > Oh Great and Wise Oracle, > > .When you say that the Lord was saying things which you would not say, > .what do you mean?  Were these utterances antithetical to your beliefs > .and way of thinking?  Or were they merely expressed in language which > .you normally don't use?  Alternatively, did these utterances exhibit > .knowledge of which your conscious mind was not then aware?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If _you_ want to say, "_I_ am the Lord your God, you shall have no } other gods before me," in the same room as the Big Guy, feel free. } } As for me, I was happy with my two cents: "That's a good one. Put it up } near the top."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Great Oracle who would never spend more than $1 for a beer in a > bar, I plead that you answer this question. > > What is the statistical forumla for determining the likelyhood of a > woman being a cheap slut in relation to how big her hair is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am shocked and offended by your question!  Have you been asleep for } the last 5 years?  Do the words "politically correct" mean anything to } you?  Let me rephrase you question in more acceptable terms. } } "Systematically Enhanced Oracle who would never exchange more than one } unit of United States currency for a grain alcohol based beverage in a } pre-family oriented recreational establishment, please exchange an } answer for a corresponding quantity of non-denominational gratitude. } } What is the statistical formula for building a correspondence between } a womyn who has hair of mass and a womyn who is financially or } asexually challenged?" } } Let me get back to you after I figure out what you asked.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, All-Knowing, Master of all which is Oracular, Please tell me > > How much work would a network work if a network could network?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Come with me, my child. Give me your hand." } } "Where are we going?" } } "I am going to show you the answer to your question." } } "Where is the answer?" } } "At the end of this hallway. Come." } } "Is it far?" } } "Not very far. Just past these doors. But you must promise not to } open the doors into any of the rooms." } } "Why?" } } "Behind these doors are very unpleasant sights. There are people who } have lost their minds." } } "How did that happen?" } } "There are many paths that lead to the same place. Behind this door is } a man who cannot speak, except to whisper, 'How many charts would a } flowchart flow, if a flow chart could flow charts?'" } } "How terrible!" } } "And over here is a woman, a mother of three small children, whose } mind has seized on a question and will not let go." } } "What is that question?" } } "'How many pounds would a footpound pound, if a footpound could pound } pounds?'" } } "But what does that mean?" } } "No! Never ask yourself that! It leads to madness." } } "Where do these questions come from?" } } "They are the bastard spawn of an unholy union between a woodchuck } and the demons of hell." } } "How do they get inside someone's head?" } } "I will not even speak of the mantra to you, my innocent. But I warn } you: do not search for the answer, for it will find you." } } "Who is behind this door?" } } "One who muses, 'How much news would new taxes tax, if new taxes knew } tax news?'" } } "I am beginning to see. It begins as a word game, doesn't it?" } } "So it is said." } } "You just pick a word, any word, like 'synod.' And spin out the } question. 'How many nods would a synod sin, if a synod could sin nods?' } This is what happens, is it not?" } } "I am afraid so." } } "Why, it's quite fun. And quite harmless. How can one be so foolish } as to become obsessed with such nonsense?" } } "There is no fool but whose folly seems wisdom." } } "What a dreary hallway you are leading me down. How many ways would } a hallway weigh, if a hallway could weigh ways?" } } "I beg you, for the last time, do not ask such questions." } } "You are much too serious a person, I think. How much work would a } network work if a network could network?" } } "We are almost there, my child." } } "Wait a moment. I'm serious. How much work would a network work if a } network could network?" } } "Here is the room. The answer to your question lies in here." } } "I don't want to know the answer to that question. I can barely } remember that question. I want to know how much work would a network } work if a network could network?" } } "The answer to that question, too, lies in here. Enter." } } "Where? Where is the answer? There's nothing here but a bed and a } window, high up on the wall. What will tell me the answer?" } } "I must go now." } } "Wait! Don't close the door! You must tell me. How much work would } a network work if a network could network?" } } "Goodbye, my child. I am....very sorry." } } "Don't leave. Or go. Go if you must! But first, tell me, how much work } would a network work if a network could network?" } } "Goodbye." } } "How much work would a network work if a network could network? How } much work would a network work if a network could network?.... } } "Oracle?.... } } "....ORACLE....!"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O rotund one, > > If an Oracle oracularizes all those who do not oracularize themselves, > who oracularizes the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Q: If a barber in a small town cuts hair for everyone and not for }    himself and if he is the only barber in the town, who cuts the hair }    for the barber? } A: The barber is bald. } } I am omniscient and I have no questions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My name starts with "M", has six letters, and I pick up things. What am > I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Mother".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Wise Oracle, > Who put the bomp in the bomp-du-bomp-du-bomp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as you obviously don't know you silly mortal, the real origin of } the phrase is from a French count, Bompe duBompe of Chantilly Lace. } } Now it is a fairly well known fact that the previous Count duBompe was } a rather odd man, who liked to dabble in just about any hobby you can } guess. Well, Count duBompe ran into a gentlemen by the name of Simone } dePaul-Simone and got rather involved in a conversation on music with } the chap.  It turned out the Simone was headed to Brazil to play around } with some neat rythyms (note the new official Oracle spelling) that } he'd heard coming off some of the ships returning from there.  Anyhow, } duBompe was rather intrigued by all this and asked to join } dePaul-Simone on his rather lengthy journey. } } It was in the wilds of Brazil that duBompe wound up being exposed to } all sorts of exciting rythyms and opted to become a drummer for the } London Symphony Orchestra at Rio.  Unfortunately, his career was } destined to be a short one, as the conductor never made it over on the } boat from London.  DuBompe, saddened by his loss of stardom as a } timpany drummer packed his bags and got on the boat.  One of his few } friends saw him off and duBompe thought the person was saying "BOMPE! } DUBOMPE! BOMPE DUBOMPE!"  It turns out, his friend was being hysterical } over a bomb placed in duBompe's bag.  Months later, duBompe's wife, } then 8 months pregnant heard the story.  Distraught, she named her } child Bompe duBompe in memory of this sad affair. } } Bompe duBompe grew up in the normal manner and was soon cavorting the } world as his father had once done.  (The Almighty Digressive Oracle is } getting to the point, now pay attention)  Bompe ran in to the young } Morse, who was busy trying to make up a nifty way to have people } communicate over long distances. Bompe duBompe's name gave Morse the } incredible idea of assigning each letter of the alphabet some } combination of the words bompe and du.  Bompe was pleased at this } discovery and started blabbing it all around.  Unfortunately for Morse } (who later wound up using beeps and boops) a musician found out about } the discovery and threw it into one of his up and coming overtures. } Mr. Tell therefore is given the credit for the introduction of the } bompe du bompe du bompe into society, while the actual Bompe came into } being from an old family name. } } It's really all rather interesting. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Morse does the William Tell overture.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, whose existence is beyond comprehension, please > tell me... > > Is it true that there's always room for Jell-O?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, my son, there is always room for Jell-O.  The explanation is } complex, requiring some knowledge of four dimensional nature of time, } time-space geometries, string theory, and lime-green food coloring. } For me to give this knowledge to you, who only has two semesters of } freshman calculus to go on, would be disasterous.  I will find another } way to explain it. } } If you've ever watched Dr. Who, and you've noticed that the inside of } the Tardis is much larger than its outside (a puny Police Call Box), } than you can grasp the fundamental nature of the substance of Jell-O. } Most people think gelatin is simply ground horse hooves.  Not so!  It } has transtemporal properties that cause it to fold up inside itself } when ingested so that it has negative volume.  Lime-green food } coloring, which is used even when red Jell-o is desired, prevents the } Jell-o from forming a negative mass within a person which would be } equivalent to creating a small black hole as positive mass fills the } space.  Thus it can be seen that moderate amounts] of Jell-o with out } lime-green coloring can be used in an effective weight loss program, } explaining your culture's use of the substance as a dessert, and not as } an energy source.  But then to each species his own. <stupid humans> } } You owe the Oracle 4 tonnes of Jell-o and lime-green catalyst (FD&C } yellow #1)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Still I wonder, > Still I wonder, > Who'll stop the rain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "God!" }   "Yeah, mom." } "Are you going to stop the rain down there on Earth?" }   "Now?  Awww mom... do I have to?" } "I seem to remember a certain little deity promising never to let it go } beyond forty days." }   "I've still got some time.  The rain'll do 'em good.  You know }   there's a water shortage in California. They'll appreciate this." } "But it's not raining in California, it's ra..." }   "Well of course not, moTHER - if it was, there wouldn't be a water }   shortage, now, would there.  I swear, sometimes you are so dense I can }   hardly..." } "Just so long as you get to it soon.  After all, a promise is a } promise." }   "Yeah, let me just finish reading this letter.  Someone wants me to }   create something to rhyme with the word 'orange'.  Something about }   a song she's trying to write." } "You will stop the rain _soon_, right?" }   "Sure mom." } } After a lot of procrastination, god's mom will end up doing it.  But } who's going to snag all the credit?  Yeah, right.  You owe the Oracle a } newspaper.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, so we already knew that Gorbachev was ill.  And now the Prime > Minister and the Minister of Defense are ill too.  What do they have? > Is it catching?  Bush and Baker were there just a few weeks ago; are > they going to get ill too now? >                                       Signed, Worried

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, do to the global importance of this issue, I visited the } various leaders involved to check out their health, and they } didn't really seem to have anything that } *achoo* } sorry that } *achooo* *cough* } that serious } *ack* <thud> } } Is the Oracle dead of the knew OAIB (Only Affects Important Beings) } plague?  Tune in next week to find out...