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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Great ovoid-headed Oracle who could even eat sauerbraten with a > straight face, I beg of you to answer my question. > >     What is the difference between sodium and sodomy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are not different, my child, for they are both a salt. } } That was cute, you owe me nothing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is JoAnn Worley going to replace Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey Lisa!  Come and look at what this dork's asked! } } - OK, could you untie me first? } } Right ... don't slip on the mayonnaise ... } } - Mmmmmm, JoAnn Worley?  Whore-ly, more like ... d'you think she'll } - really get the better of scrummy little me? } } Well ... } } - Oh come on Oz, what do you think?  Surely she isn't able to do THIS } } <gulp> } } - or THIS ... } } <cough> } } - or THIS and THIS at the same time ... } } <choke> You shouldn't talk with your mouth full - not that I care ... } } - how about THIS then? } } What are you doing with that hamster?  Oh just a second ... } } ... Hi geek, the answer to your question is not if I can help it.  You } owe the Oracle your unauthorised biography.  GERONIMOOOOoooo....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It is now crystal clear that "Bob" manifested himself for a *purpose*, > namely the elimination of a devilish plot to reinstate that most > Slackless system, the Soviet Communist Party. While the hurricane was > subgeniously reprogramming Skippy Bush in Kennebunkport, frop was being > surreptitiously introduced in the Kremlin, causing the conspirators to > have a sudden urge to visit Tibet. > > Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but the two events are related. } } Hurricane Bob was Attorney General Dick Thornburgh's swan song, an } attempt to silence reporter Bob Woodward, who is putting the pieces } together after the Department of Justice iced that reporter in Virginia } a few weeks back. The plan was to use the hurricane generators the } Pentagon built with funds diverted from AIDS research to either kill } Woodward outright or frighten him into silence. The hurricane, of } course, missed, but the buzz is that by Helen or Ignatz, the system } will be perfected. There's some talk that Woodward is going to Colorado } until this whole thing blows over, so to speak, but even so the } Mid-Atlantic states are in for a wet season. } } The failed coup in the Soviet Union was sponsored by PepsiCo, which } feared increasing competition from Russian capitalists against its } Pizza Hut franchises already open in Moscow. By restoring a hard-line } communist dictatorship, PepsiCo hoped to retain its virtual monopoly on } tasteless junk food in the USSR. As you know, the plan backfired, and } though Pepsi may come out of this without the details becoming } generally known, Russian Federation President Boris Yeltsin is likely } to try to break his endorsement contract with Pepsi. } } The relation between the two events is, in a macroscopic example of } Heisenberg's principle, you. Now that you know about these plots, } neither the federal government nor PepsiCo will stop at anything to } kill you before you reach the New York Times. } } You owe the Oracle -- oh, never mind, you won't get a chance to send } it, anyway.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Lightning struck as the shaking college student stumbled upon the > ivory steps of the oracle's domain.  From the darkness above, a > thundering voice echoed: "SPEAK THE QUESTION." >      "Oh Oracle most wise most powerful most awesome most cool most--" >      "JUST SPEAK THE DAMN QUESTION." >      "Of course, oh Oracle most wise most--" >      "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" >      The bumbling, stammering student finally uttered, "Why do donkies > float in wooden cabinets?  Eaheaheah . . . !!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Toto has pulled the curtain, and the humble old man } behind it has given up trying to fool anyone. } He apologizes to all for being too demanding, } and then turns to the student... } } "You are an inquisitive soul, wanting to know the deep } secrets of the universe.  Of course, spelling is nice, too... } } "But because of your good heart, I will help you. } What makes you different from all those who *know* why } donkeys float in wooden cabinets? } } "Are they smarter than you are?  No. } } "Do they have some magic insight into donkeys that } you don't? No. } } "They have the *scientific method*. } They get water and alcohol, cabinets both wooden and metal, } donkeys and burros of all ages, and they *experiment*, } asking themselves how they can prove that one factor } or another is the reason why...what did you day... } oh, yes, that donkeys float in wooden cabinets. } } "Do you need to go to school to learn the scientific } method?  No. } } "Do you need libraries to read about the great methods } of your scientific predecessors and the latest discoveries } by your peers?  No." } } "What you need is a fancy lab and some profound } grant proposals.  I have what you need right here, } the deed to some unused scientific laboratory space } in Iowa, and grant proposals guaranteed to to get money } from the most stingy of government review boards. } } "May you be the most productive, most innovative of scientists. } Now go home." } } And the old man kicks the dog and exits to the next room. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of magic slippers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> blessed oracle of the enlightenment, o great oracle of > miraculous oracularity, wondrous oracle that keeps the > light on in the fridge after the door is closed, can you > answer the small, insignificant question of a minimalist > mortal who only seeks to hope to aspire to perhaps > be given the honour of sniffing your armpit in gratitude? > i need to know... > > what can you say about a world that thinks God is dead but > Elvis is alive? > > seeking enlightenment

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Recent archaeological expeditions to Las Vegas and Nashville speak for } themselves.  Translate from Aramaic, here are } } The Ten Elvish Commandments } } I am Elvis thy King, which have brought thee out of the land of swing, } out of the house of drudgery. } } 1. Thou shalt have no other teen idols before me.  Thou shalt not make } unto thee any wax record, or any likeness of any music that is in } heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water } beneath the earth, unless it is music that I hath brought to thee. } Yea, for every CD, tape, yea, even every LP and 8-track tape that I } have brought to thee is the only musical representation that thou shalt } have. } } 2. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to any other idols, nor go to their } concerts; for I Elvis am a jealous King, visiting the iniquity of the } mothers and fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth } generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of } them that love me, and buy my records and momentos, and watch my } movies, and keep my commandments. } } 3. Thou shalt not the name of the King in vain; for the King will not } hold them guiltless that taketh his name in vain.  They shall toil for } ruthless promotion companies and be forced to write novelty songs for } all their days. } } 4. Remember the sabbath day, and keep it free for movie screenings and } recordings of Elvis thy King. } } 5. Honour thy father and thy mother, but don't be a mama's boy. } } 6. Thou shalt not kill. } } 7. Thou shalt not be cruel to a heart that's true. } } 8. Thou shalt lay off thy neighbor's blue suede shoes. } } 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, for it is } not a cool thing. } } 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy } neighbor's wife, nor his car, nor his surfboard, nor his promoter, nor } his prescription drugs, nor his ass, nor his pelvis, nor any thing that } is thy neighbor's. } } You owe the Oracle an issue of the National Enquirer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't they name planes more interesting things than F1 or 747? > If they called the B2 the Batplane would Congress be more likely to > fund it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well, well.  I see that you are using your ignorance as a shield } against the sword of good judgement.  Perhaps a vice-presidency is in } your future -- but that is not what you asked me, is it? } } The F1 was originally going to be called the "Escape", but some } thought that this name might send the wrong message to US Armed } Forces pilots.  A compromise was made by naming the aircraft } after the nearest key to the "Escape" key on the Oval Office } keyboard. } } There is a similar story for the naming of the 747.  Boing was } going to call it the "666", that is until the marketing department } vetoed it.  A compromise was made by subtracting 2 from the middle } digit and redistributing it to the first and third digits, thus } disguising the Number of the Beast while keeping its palindromic } and digit-sum properties. } } The B2 was, indeed, going to be called the "Batplane".  This had } to be changed after a trademark dispute -- it seems that after } the release of the hollywood film, exclusive use of the "Batplane" } name was given to the company that manufactures the cheap plastic } toys that come in McDonald's Happy Meals.  The name "B2" was then } chosen in the hope that it would "sound cheaper" to congress. } Personally, I think "Catwoman" would have been a better move.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o oracle that has more hairs than your average college frat boy, > why is it that between a six-pack of Dannon Lite Yogurt and your > average "guys night out", the yogurt has considerably more culture? > > seeking enlightenment

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is quite simple.  The yogurt has more culture because } bacteria are generally smarter than most men.  Think of these } questions, and you may be enlightened. } } * Do bacteria ever order "genuine draft" bottled beer in a bar? } * Do bacteria ever think bowling is fun? } * Do bacteria spend countless hours watching football? } * Do bacteria ever join the Army to learn a useful skill? } } You owe the Oracle some antibiotics.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TO:    Mr. Oracle > FROM:  The Terrorists Inc. (TM) > SUBJ.: Lisa has been kidnapped by our organisation! > > Hey Oracle, listen up! > > We have kidnapped Lisa and if you want to see her again you'd better do > what we tell you. > First of all: NO PRESS, NO POLICE, NO DEITIES, nothing at all! > You just send us a real shitload of money (we won't bother about > a billion more or less, just make sure that there are billions...). > We'll contact you after having received the money and tell you where > you can find Lisa. > > Regards > The Terrorists Inc. (TM) > > PS: All major credit cards are accepted. > > PPS: If you don't trust us wether Lisa is still alive or not, read the > following transscript of a recent conversation at our hideout: > > [Lisa] ORAAAAAACLE!!!!!!!! > [Terrorist #1] Now shut up! He can't hear you. > [Lisa] ORAAAACLE HEEEEELP!!!! > [Terrorist #2] Let's gag her.... now ... ok. > [Lisa] mmmmhhmhmmmdmdfmhhmhmdfffmgm!!!!!! > [Terrorist #1] FINALLY! Now we can take some rest.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, ok.  Here's a shitload of money: $hit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to punish the leaders of the failed Soviet Coup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Make then talk to Johnny Carson for three hours.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this "Nimoy" person? > >       USS Enterprise >       Admiral Spock, commanding

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He was a man who disappeared in 1993, when he went "In Search Of--Jimmy } Hoffa." } } You owe the Oracle an Archangel strike, at grid coordinates DF } 1223731282, right goddamn now, before the Klingons overrun my position.