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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Samson write home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      "Fine!  You want to know about Mr. Samson, then fine, so be it! } Let me fish out my crystal ball here .  .  .  ah-ha!  Here it is!  Okay } .  .  .  look in here for a while and you'll have your answer!" }      The smoke inside the crystal ball churned about, finally clearing, } revealing a scene.  .  .  . } }      "Samson!" came the shrill hoot. }      Samson, 10 years old, looked up from his comic book.  In annoyance, } he responded, "What, ma?!" }      "Come here and finish your vegetables!  Don't you want to grow up } to be big and strong and able to write home about all your adventures } with monsters, seas, forests, and women?!  You wouldn't want to let your } mother down now would you?  Ever since the Burning in '38, I've just } been dying to get my hands on some gory literature!  Now get in here!" } }      As Samson's mother forced vegetables and protein-rich food down his } throat on a regular basis, he grew.  And grew.  And grew.  Soon he was } big.  Large.  Huge.  Gigantic.  Titanic.  Soon he was 229'5'' tall, } weighing in at about three and a half tons.  The vegetables worked. }      But, there was only one problem.  Since Samson's mother made him } stay home from school just to eat, he never got the proper education. } Hell, he never got a brain. } }      "Well, son, I think you're big enough to finally go out on your own } now!  Now I want you to go out there and return with some perfectly sick } stories for me!  You got that?!  Now git!" }      "Gee ma!  Do I hav't ta?" }      "Yes!  Shoo!" }      So Samson went out into the world.  He kicked over mountains, swam } the seas, jumped into space and held his breath for a while.  But he } knew that his Mom wanted something really keen to make her chops } salivatate.  All the stuff he had done wouldn't be worth writing about. } He had to think of something good, or else he wasn't going to write } home.  But one day, he did. }      Sitting on top of a small village, he ingested the the formula; a } brew one of the local witch doctors deep in the heart of Africa had } given him to cure baldness.  He took a good bath in the nearest lake and } fell asleep in a large glade under the moon.  When he woke up the the } next morning, he found that his baldness had been cured.  But that's not } the only thing.  .  .  . }      A passerby stopped and gazed at Samson.  "King kong!" he muttered } upon the sight of Samson.  Little did Samson know that "king kong" was } from an ancient tribal dialect.  It meant, "holy shit." The passerby ran } back to his village, screaming, "King kong!  King kong!" Soon the whole } continent had gone ape with the words.  Samson was becoming famous. }      "Dear Mom," he wrote one afternoon.  "Me find really hot babe and } going to America on cruise ship.  Me thinks a candlelight dinner on the } roof of big building be romantic, you think?  Me let you know when me } score big with girly!  -- Samson" } }      The rest is history. } }      You owe the oracle a 400 ounce stick of deodorant.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Great Oracle who spans both time and space, please tell me. > > Does Uranus have an aroma?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If ever lost in space, you location you might tell } by deducing the composure of the fragrance that you smell. } } The disturbing odor of unkept cheese will tell the moon's below } I've been told that Pluto's is as Goofy as you'll know } } You'll know when you're on Earth because the smells are blocked by smog } (Our pencils come from Venus 'cause we've long run out of logs) } } The nicest smells from Mars, they are of chocolate and of nuts. } And Uranus holds the captured scent of a billion human butts. } } You owe the oracle three packs of scratch 'n' sniff stickers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> int main(void) { while(1) fork() ; } /* ? */

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} chill(1), dude.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, nice-n-easy, New and Improved with a satisfaction guaranteed > refund, smartly-dressed, totally together Oracle: Which came first, the > fried chicken or the Egg McMuffin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Greetings miserable sniveling supplicant.  I'm on vacation.  In my] } [place you will find a highly trained and motivated substitute     ] } [oracle apprentice.                              -The Usenet Oracle] } } Wow, man.  Like -- a question!  Ok, I remember what to do... mumble } mumble new and improved mumble smartly dressed mumble mumble.  Oh, wow. } Like that's a hard one, you know?  But like, wasn't Col. Sanders here } like WAY before this whole McNugget scene?  Fur sure! } } Like, that's it, you know?  Wait!  I get to like, ask for anything I } want! So, like, you owe the Oracle a totally gnarly wave, and like a } bitchen' babe who's totally impressed when I shoot the tube.  Like, } wow!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who makes it doesn't need it. > Who buys it doesn't want it. > Who uses it doesn't notice it. > What is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple, a Macintosh. } } The people who make Mac know computers and don't need the "simplicity". } The people who buy Mac don't know computers and are afraid of them, and } therefore don't want them. } Mac users are too brain dead to notice much anyway, they just sit } around and mousterbate. } } You owe the Oracle a Cray running X-windows and you owe it to yourself } to take a course in self-abasement.  I won't be so nice next time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does 'cunnilingus' mean ? Why isn't this word in the dictionary ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My oh my...the students are returning, aren't they.  Okay, I can see } that you are a freshman and have recently discovered The Oracle, so } I'll answer your question with as much grace as possible. } } It means sticking your tongue in a very exciting hole and seeing sparks } and tasting the likes of what you have never experienced in your life, } while hearing sounds that will make your head echo for days. } } This is the experience of putting your tongue in the light bulb socket } of a lamp that is plugged in and turned on. } } It is in the disctionary, under 'handyman.' } } You owe the oracle a VHS recording of you taking a pee on an electric } fence.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondiferous Oracle, who's toejam is unto ambrosia, enlighten this > mere mortal. > > Do the Democrats have a snowball's chance in heck in '92?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Jack, I'm standing on the capital steps right now.  As you are aware, } what happens in the next few minutes could change the face of American } politics for the next century." } } "We've got you live, Jack.  Continue." } } "This has got to be the closest race ever run, amazing for any } election, but especially astounding for the Presidential race." } } "Jack, we're having problems with our satellite feed.  We'll get back } to you as soon as possible...  Right now, let's check in with our } studio guest, a noted political analyst.  Welcome, Jack." } } "Thanks, Jack." } } "Jack, what do you make of all this?" } } "Well, it's absolutely astounding.  First, there was Bush's } assassination by the radical Broccoli-Growers Liberation Front, which } was followed by the slightly unusual nomination of Dan Quayle..." } } "What's so unusual about that?" } } "He's a dork." } } "That hasn't stopped people from getting elected before..." } } "True.  I guess everyone is a little disoriented by the Democratic } nomination of Snowball from George Orwell's 'Animal Farm.'" } } "Sure was a shock." } } "Yes, but perfectly constitutional, according to the Supreme Court." } } "He had some troubles though, didn't he, Jack." } } "If you're talking about the fact that most people believe that he } symbolized Trotsky's part in the Russian Revolution, I think he } downplayed that very well..." } } "And now he's neck and neck with Quayle..." } } "Right." } } "Excuse me, Jack, but I've just got word that we've reestablished } contact with Jack in Washington, D.C.  Go ahead, Jack..." } } "Thanks, Jack.  Well, it was a close one.  The vote was tied up to the } final district, a place called "Heck's Cove" in Hawaii.  But the vote } showed that the American public was indeed in support of..." } } You owe the Oracle an Independent candidate.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh massively all-telling and well-meaning Oracle most wildly brilliant, > whose tonsilses are like unto hysterical woks, please, I beg of you > answer for this weasel this hard question.   Who wrote the Piscataway > phone book?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The Oracle considers the Piscataqua River Most Sacred and the mere } mention of it by mortals gets His/Her Panties in a Real Bunch, but I } will be merciful. Any use of the Sacred Name, or any name which is } spelled close enough to it, falls under the Immortal Copyright } Infringement Act (tm). } }  The Great River (as it is known in heaven - New Hampshire) is the } source of all that is considered intelligent life. You see, my child, } that whole Adam and Eve business was just a test. Let me see if I can } put it into terms you will understand. Ever make pancakes? The Big O } loves em, can't get enough. Well, when you make pancakes, ever notice } that the first one never seems to come out right? Either the grill } isn't hot enough or you used too much butter, that's what the bottom of } the stack is there for. Unlike breakfast, humanity is much more } complicated. Once a starter species has begun, you can't shove them } under the stack, so to speak. } }  Next thing you know, you've got Club MTV, Good Morning America, Coke } Vs. Pepsi, Nuttin Honey, Reebok Pumps, 30 Something, Jessie Helms, Ron } and Nancy, Big Hair, Fake Russian Revolutions, Yugos, Smurfs, Lee Press } on Nails, The Home Shopping Network, Jim and Tammy, Commercials that } last an hour, More Workout Tapes than you could shake a dead Marketing } Executive at, VH1, Nuclear Waste, and Ninety Years of Cosby Reruns, to } name but a few blots on the face of the once beautiful Mother Earth. } But through it all the Mighty Piscataqua flows, in her gentle strength, } waiting for the day when the Gods call a new people forth from her } bosom, about two seconds after they sweep away the old one like a } cosmic dustbuster on a used Kleenex. Then the Earth will be made whole } again and a people will be born to rule upon it who actually support } Public Television, without the need for a yearly beg-o-thon. Yes, the } end is coming, or rather the beginning. Don`t invest in long term CD's, } if you get my Most Holy Drift. } }  You owe the Oracle a sense of purpose for your life; and quit thinking } about telephone books. They're all going to be put on a damn computer } some day. } }       Chow Babe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when I finger your account on iuvax, it tells me you've > never logged in?  What's the deal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you silly mortal!  You fail to understand the miraculousness of my } being. } } I do not LOG in, I simply AM.  Okay, for you, I'll share this very } secret bit of wisdom, but in return, well, that will come at the end... } } In the beginning I was a simple shell script, hence, I was run as an } executable collection of commands, which resulted in innocent child } processes.  Later I became a fully fledged, demand paged executable } daemon. } } I have since been promoted to a supreme diety, whereby I can circumvent } the login requirement for mere mortals.  I now exist purely as a mail } server (and female server) where all I have to do is, in essence, } listen for requests and provide answers from my vast number of } resources. } } You must be the ignoramous that tried to 'talk oracle@iuvax' the other } day. Ha! } } Boy, that sure had us rolling!  Thanks for the entertainment. } } I now warn you to never, Never, NEVER, ***NEVER*** try to 'finger' me } again. } } Got that?!  Lisa is the only one allowed to finger the Great Oracle, as } she has called it, as well as other cute names...but that's another } story. } } You owe the oracle 8 hours of nonstop groveling.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I only wish to know one thing, Oh great and funky Oracle: > > If 7-11's are open 24 hours a day, > >    1) Why are there locks on the doors? >    2) Why are they called 7-11's in the first place? > > Ok, so I wish to know two things.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) To ensure a fire hazard. } 2) I'm not sure, but it _must_ have something to do with the } Illuminati. } } You owe the Oracle an apology.  No one likes a wiseguy.