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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle, whose POetuina bushes have less aphids per > square centimetre of leaf than anybody's, the fleas on whose dog I am > not worthy to engage in intellectual intercourse, whose dress sense > devastates whole galaxies, whose wisdom is greater than the pile you > could make out of all the Oreo cookies ever made, the E. Coli in whose > stomach know more than All The King's Horses And All The Kings Men... > The collected wisdom of the Library of Congress, the Library > of Alexandria and the Munatoroto Primary School Library have > nothing on what your big toenails know... > > Oh Oracle, please tell me... > > Please let me know... > > What was my question again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great and lowly anchor of the moon, oh smarting one of the } question, you are naked before my nothingness, and I  besake you to } finger the nodes of netherness before asking your questions.  You have } ruptured clues of the normal distribution, and the mitochondrian was } taking a bath when it wandered into the human shenome.  Take care, and } wonder more.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, inscrutible and mysterious Oracle, why don't you answer in riddles > any more, like you used to do with those old dead Greek dudes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As art imitates life, so too does the Oracle imitate Jerry Seinfeld. } Put another way, the answer to your question can be found only through } thoughtful consideration of the following related questions: } }     In your own case, what is the sound of one gum flapping? } }     How would it sound to admit that you slipped and fell on }     bear sh*t in the woods? } }     If you were to go back in time and try to kill your own grandfather, }     what happens if instead he beats the hell out of you? } }     Is sitting around asking stupid questions a part of man's true }     nature, or are you an exception to the rule? } } And, possibly more to the point: } }     If our universe is but an atom in another world, does that explain }     why the women in the "full figure" bra section of the Sears catalog }     look exactly the same as the "regulars" ???? } } So you see that the true essence of a full life is not to be found in } knowing the right answers, but in knowing the right questions.  Just } like your parents always told you.  So there. } } You owe the Oracle a plug nickel, dude.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many teeth does a dragon have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn.  I was dreading the day when somebody would ask me this one . . . } oh, well.  Hmmmpphhh - } } Yes, dreary mortal - How may I . . . ah, yes.  The old dragon business. } Well, dear, to be perfectly honest, the Oracle is not too fond of this } one. Counting the teeth on a dragon generally involves getting a little } too close to the business end of one of those hyperhalitotic beasties. } Had I not designed them that way on a dare offered at one of Lisa's } more higvoltage parties in the first place, they would have come out } about ten inches high and covered in soft downy fur - with NO teeth. } At all.  But then Zeus was hammered and I my Oracular self was also } three sheets to the wind as they say, so I was ready to take him up on } anything.  He had been boasting, you see, about the job he did on the } Kraken.  A mile high, horns and scales all over the place, and teeth } and claws like scimitars.  Quite a job.  Anyway, so he says to me, he } says, "Hey, Oracle!  Aren't you the loser who came up with those fuzzy } little footballs you called - what was it - kittens?" And so then I go, } "Yeah, so what's it to you?"  And so then HE goes like, "Well, I'll } just BET you can't come up with anything near my Kraken, pal. You } couldn't design a good fright if your life depended on it." } } Well, after hearing that, I couldn't very well just LIE BACK AND TAKE } IT, you know?  So I scaled up the dragon a bit, added in some } flamethrowing reminiscent of Zeus's breath after he let fly at that } party . . . I guess I shouldn't talk about that, though. } } Anyhow, I forgot how many teeth I put in and I'm tired and can't find } my asbestos suit so I don't feel like looking.  I do have a tip for } you, though. Since I designed them to take after the Krakens, just find } one of them and count the teeth!  I'm sure it's the same for the } dragons. } } Glad to be of help. } } You owe the Oracle a new asbestos suit - wash and wear, preferably.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                    ----v---- >                  /     |     \ >                --|           --- >              /___|=========/_____\ >                   --------- >                 /           \ >               /               \ >             /                   \ >             |                   | >             |                   | >             |                   | >             |                   | >              \                 / >                \             / >             ____|            |____ > >                 Ohm on the Range

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Translation, "Top this, Oracle."  Very well... }              _____            _____ }                  /           \ }                /               \ }              /                   \ }              |                   | }              |                   | }              |                   | }              |                   | }               \                 / }                 \             / }                    ---------                           |\ }                                ___________             | }                                 \_______  \           _| }                                         \  \         | | }                                          \@ \         - }                                           \@ \     ________ }                                            \ @\   \        / }                                             \  \   |      | }                                              \@ \  |      | }                                               \ @\_|      | }                                                \          | }                                                 \         | }                                                  \_       | }                                                    \______/ }                "Mho' Better Blues" } } You owe the Oracle a better-looking sax.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hate OS/2.  But I have to develop software for OS/2 > what should I do ? Why is OS/2 so annoying, so not-user-friendly ? > Why did it took me 5 hours to install 'Communication Manager' today ? > Is there a worse operating system in the world ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm.  A non-grovelling supplicant. } } ::sigh::  These humans are becoming so bold, it may be time to send } down another punishment to humble them. } } Lesse I sent down CP/M a while ago...  MSDOS 4.01 gave them a nice } rash...  [O]racle to [S]pplicant/[2] was a doozie!  heh heh } } Maybe I'll send them down a new version of OS/2 and see if that'll ruin } all the 'fixes' that they've come up with for the original.  Or maybe } another flavor of UNIX...   Hmmm, I'll have to ponder this one a bit } more. } } Until then: } You owe the Oracle a Mac w/System 7 and a cup of heavenly coffee.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise carelo, sorry, arcelo, whoops, that's olearc, wait a minute, > something is still wrong, oh most wondrous larceo, hold on, it's coming > to me, Oh unbelievably awesome Oracle, help me in my greatest hour of > need.  I'm fleeing the Imperial forces, and Darth Vader's about to get > me.  No, wait a minute, that's a movie plot.  O Carle, most wise, why > is that I can't seem to spell your name?  I must be under attack by > something, so let's call it the Empire, no, I actually think that maybe > I like the idea of Dan Quayle better.  Or is it the NRA?  If you can > just hold on a sec, I'm sure I'll think of what I was going to ask > you...Let me see... Ahh!  Here's the question: Most wonderful Lorcea, > wise and beautiful sorceress of the Internet (hhmm.. somehow this > doesn't seem right either...*hack, hack, spit*  that seems to have > cleared out my sinusi)Let's try again.. > Hey you great booby, what would happen if I quit college and ran for > president in 1992?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You would be on the verge of winning... until one day, it is } discovered that your most important campaign poster has "president" } misspelled.  This leads to a smear campaign by the opposition, in which } they reveal your true grammar school grades.  You lose and live in } ignominy for the rest of your days. } }       You owe the Oracle 2 campaign promises.  Hmm... on second } thought, never mind.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, accept thee my jottings; and turn away not my tittles. Answer unto > me the question which burns in my heart like kitten caught in a very > unfortunate accident involving a Bernz-o-Matic soldering torch and > several pints of gasoline. My question is: > > You know that guy on the AT&T commercial who forgets the phone number > to Phoenix, and accidently dials Fiji? What is the number he forgot? > And what is that Fiji guy saying when he answers the phone? It sounds > like this.. > > POO KNOW GUH NAKA PEET ZIA? But the guy says it real fast, so it's more > like.. > > POONOGUNAKAPEEZIA? What is this phrase?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who the hell do you think I am? Ma-Bell?  Like I would care about some } guy who wants to call Phoenix!  That should be obvious.  If I did care } I would have made him remember the number... Duh... } } The guy in Fiji actually has a horrible speech impediment and really } said: } } "You gonna want a pizza?" } } You owe the oracle 30 minutes of MCI long-distance...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who ate my jelly sandwitch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       A warlock of your caliber should know to grovel before your } question!  Since you are of such stature, however, I will only remove a } leg rather than killing you outright. } } ****ZZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP*********** } }       Now I hope you've learned your lesson. }       Now for your question.  Despite your pioneering work on golems } (being the inventor of the rope golem, the plastic golem, and the } mashed-potates golem), your attempt to give these golems magical powers } of their own (i.e., witches) is misguided.  And I must certainly warn } you that jelly and sand is NOT appropriate material out of which to make } a golem.  These attempts are doomed to failure.  Even though you're } adding sand to make it less appetizing, there is always some creature } sufficiently hungry to eat it.  In this case it was Pooh Bear.  Sure, } when he was young he was a star, but now he can't even afford his } expensive honey habit, and looks for anything he can find to eat, } including jelly-sand-witches. } } You owe the Oracle a peanut butter dragon.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, I humbly ask for an answer to the question that > plagues me: > > How many angels can dance on the tips of Madonna's nipples?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Doesn't matter--the Ecumanical Council has forbidden angels from } going anywhere NEAR Madonna's nipples, for obvious reasons. } However, a few million bacteria have made them their home. } } You owe the Oracle the Madonna issue of Penthouse.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >       Thank you so much for taking my petition. > >       I am very puzzled and hope that you can help me figure this out: > yesterday was my love's birthday. I told her the day before that I > would send her a long-stemmed rose for each year in her life. She was > very pleased with the idea, then. But today she won't speak to me. Why > is that? >                                       Sincerely, > >                                       Peter Piper Bollingsgame

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Peter, } }       Why, certainly. That's what I am here for. } }       Well, you remember Mr. Brock, the Florist, took a real liking to } you because you reminded him of his son who was killed in Vietnam while } about your age. As a result, he decided to add a dozen more roses for } free to your order. } }       I would suggest that the next time you order anything from Mr. } Brock, that you tell him *why* you ordered exactly 19 roses, such an } odd number, too. } }       You owe the Oracle exactly as many roses as She has Kilobytes. } (And She wouldn't be offended if Mr. Brock threw in an extra dozen for } free.) }                                       Sincerely, } }                                       The Usenet Oracle