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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient Oracle, whose ankle I am too fat to floss with, whose > sexiness fills the Amsterdam of our lives as the stars do brighten the > night sky, without whom Cleveland would be incomprehensible, without > whom reality would be brain-dead, do tell me this, please.  What, you > thing peccary is really a scabbard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the great quest for your answer, I have traveled to the very edges } of your puny solar system, and beyond, so I may ask the lords of the } worlds. } } I travelled to the orbits of the great animals and the falling stars } so that I may ask the rulers of the heavenly spheres. } } I travelled to the other known and unknown galaxies so that I may ask } the Gods of All Beings. } } I travelled into the very depths of humanity so that I may ask every } man's heart of Gold. } } I descended unto hell so that I could ask the corrupter of souls, who } knows of all evil in the Universe. } } I ascended into the Great Beyond, home of all truth and good, so I } could ask this of the Creator himself. } } In each of these places, I went and showed the text of your question } to the Powers that Be; and to a man, woman, spirit or diety, in all } cases, their response was the same: } } "Say WHAT?!  This dude is CONFUSED!  Git outta here." } } You owe the Oracle a new pair of Reeboks, if not a new pair of feet. } (Owww...)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Great Oracle of the electronic pathways, a great question has > weighed heavily on my mind in recent days.  Pray tell me, why are the > pictures I take with my new camera always just a little bit too dim?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the home office at VT240 and the mind of Road Dawg } (AWOOOOOOOOOO!), we have the top ten reasons for your photographer } problem, which follow: } }       10:  It's your fault, Charlie Brown.  You've got your finger on }            the lens, and thus are only looking at your thumb (ever }            wonder why all the photos seem to be of a canyon?). }        9.  You have your eyes closed when viewing said photos. }        8.  Peanut butter (that comes from the schizophrenic in us all). }        9.  Wow man, it's real groovy inside these electronic pathways. }            I wish we'd sober up and get the hell out of here, man. }        8.  You have the lens cap on while snapping said photos. Either }            you are pretty stupid, or you are insane. In that case, set }            the camera down and either go get a Brain (tm) or go to your }            rubber room and slip on this nice little jacket. }        8.  Boy, I wish I knew what came after eight, so I could end }            this list. } }       And the number one reason why you photos are so dim... }        1.  (as promised).  Because you are using the wrong lens at the }            wrong time at the wrong place.  Step back into your time }            machine and get back 2020. } } You owe the Oracle something that you can't get and thus owe the } Oracle. See the first part of this sentence, and wham! you're caught in } an infinite loop.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [I think we lost part of the question here -sk] > between them is NOT a straight line (such is really the case!) what's > the longest possible route from A to B? > >         To prove that the shortest distance between two points is not a >         straightline, simply take a piece of paper and place a dot > > Now fold the paper in half such that the two points touch....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As far as know, there are two possibilities for longest routes from A } to B. } } 1)  Tear your sheet of paper in half and mail one half to Greenland via } the US Mail with no return address.  Point A will travel an infinite } distance trying to get back to Point B, which will reside on your } refridgerator under a Snoopy(tm) magnet indefinately. } } 2)  AZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCB }     |--longest route A to B--| } } You owe the oracle a copy of any Non-Euclidean Geometry textbook } published prior to the Reagan Administration.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Woof!  Woof woof!!   Bark, grrrr, woof!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         I swear, these questions are just going to the dogs. The } bone is between the two trees in the yard, about six inches down. } }         You owe the ORACLE nothing, Fido, except to let your } master do the asking from now on.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and ponderous one, whose intelligence rivals that of, uh, who > is really REALLY smart, would you please answer the most humble of > questions and settle an argument about your greatness?  My friend is > curious about the status of Lisa.  We both have been away from the > planet for a while, and do not know. Somehow she has the idea that Lisa > is SK's little sister, while I think that it does not matter whose > sister she is.  You still bagging the babe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa is Dan Rather's niece.  I have never bagged her, although once I } folded her up inside a suitcase and had her shipped to Detroit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh almighty Oracle, whose sight is too devine to look at, please > answer me this.. > >  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The chicken soup was first, followed quickly by the omlette.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle powerful, Oracle wise, > Oracle smarter than all of us guys, > Oracle mystical, Oracle magic, > Oracle comic, historic, and tragic, > Oracle holy and also sublime, > Oracle clever (most of the time), > Oracle tubular, Oracle cool, > Oracle who seldom is anyone's fool, > Oracle greater than squirrel or moose, > Oracle, why did God take Dr. Seuss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate fish.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was it Dan Quayle who said, "War is like a stupid spaniel.  Sometimes > it is fine.  Sometimes it flies from bush to tree to shrub."?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, my confused one, it was Karl von Clausewitz.  His exact words were, } "War is like a stupid vice president.  Sometimes it is fine.  Sometimes } it flies from one public appearance to another, making a complete ass } of itself." } } You owe the Oracle a bust of Napolean, executed in cream cheese.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am gourd ... I am dove ... Feel me weave your ears into a tapestry > that spans galaxies ... but keep it out of reach of children ... why > is this done in general?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Segmentation fault.  Gourd dumped.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Name you fee!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle a band spankin new "r" key.