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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         The incantation on the page is smudged. What does it say > after "Death and destruction across all creation until the end of > eternity rolls round the bend...." It's really making this spell > difficult, oh mighty Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you've stumbled across one of the Oracle's favorites!  That } incantation started out as a tune Thor was trying to come up with at } one of those parties Dionysis throws every year.  Y'see, he was trying } to pick up one of those really stacked Finnish water spirits, but she } was really hung up on this Greek guy who was singing all these really } cool songs.  No, it wasn't Orpheus.  This was a strictly deity and } eternal spirit affair, no mortals allowed.  Um...he was about this high } and had kinda curly light brown hair (really light for a Greek).  He } was kinda goofy looking...but I'm getting off the subject. Anyway, Thor } figured he'd write a song to impress the girl.  Of course, this is } after eight or nine horns of mead.  I mean, you know how he gets.  So } he's in the corner trying to come up with a love song, but all he } really knows about is smashing things, and that's how it was coming } out.  Then Cthulhu happens by and hears him.  He decides he's gonna } help out, and brings Ares along with him.  Now of course you know that } Cthulu's got kind of a way with words, but none of the immortal gods } can listen to that lispy kinda thing of his without cracking up.  So } between the two of them (Ares was no help at all; in fact, it's a } wonder he could still stand; you know how he is at parties) they manage } to finish the thing up.  So then the three of them start to sing it at } the top of their lungs.  Ares may have been drunk and he can't carry a } tune, but he's LOUD.  Within five minutes, everybody there is singing } the damn thing with Cthulhu waving his arms like he's conducting.  Ares } starts imitating him and slams his arm into a support beam, and the } ceiling comed down, hitting the Greek guy and knocking him cold. } Everybody was just rolling on the floor singing the song for the rest } of the night, and Thor went home with the water spirit. } So anyway, the incantation goes: } "Death and destruction across all creation/Till the end of eternity } rolls round the bend/Murder and genocide without hesitation/Gimmie a } beer and I'll be your best friend." } Still cracks the Oracle up every time the Oracle thinks of it.  You owe } the Oracle an invite to your next party.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, to whom riddles are nothing and to whom the inadequacies > of the human languages seem to melt in the light of omniscience, what > is the sound of one hand clapping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And I quote: "" } } You owe the Oracle the sound of a tree falling in the forest, with no } one hearing it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O powerful Oracle, who has been truly called a wise ass by many, I have > a great problem. Last week I discovered that my boss is really the > antchrist.  What should I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Bribe the waiter at your next three martini lunch to } serve you both glasses of holy water. Alternatively, bow down and } worship him (a more appropriate response to one's boss). } }         You owe the ORACLE a invitation to Damien Thorne's next } birthday party, and to your funeral.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wise smart oracle, > What is the right answer when someone says "bless you" after you > sneeze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The correct answer depends solely upon the situation in which you } sneeze, and upon whom you are sneezing. } If you are in private and someone says "bless you" then the answer is } to ring 911 and ask for immediate medical and mental assistance for } your oncoming attack. } If, on the other hand, you are in an audience with the Pope(tm), and } you happen to cover him most liberally with the holy gunk, then, should } he say "Bless You" you should obviously answer with the appropriate } quotation from  The User's Manual For Encounters With Your Local Papal } Figure.(Published by Oracular Press Inc, 1985, 2nd Edition) } For your everyday sneezing bouts you can reply as the mood takes you. } If you are in a good mood you can thank them with the time honoured } words }     "Thank you" } If, however, you are really, really angry you can pull out your 35mm } Beretta and blow the scum away for being a condescending know all who } thinks you need a blessing to ward off any evil spirits that may have } crawled up your facial proboscis in the short moment of time in which } your are open for attack after a sneeze (which, as every one knows, } disturbs your nasal aura for a short time). } Finally should you happen to sneeze on or near me you won't need to } consider any answer for I shall zap you to small fragments and scatter } them throughout the universe. (just a friendly warning) } You owe the Oracle a world record sized, knife shaped lump of snot } displayed in all its glory inside a 10' by 10' display cabinet, and a } photograph of the face of the person who produced such a marvel (before } their nose has healed).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, who is so modest that groveling is superfluous: > >       I'm having a lot of trouble writing code lately.  My mind > wanders, I look away from the terminal, I pick up science fiction > magazines to read, I spend hours combing my Unix-Guru (TM) approved > beard.  What's wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the Unix-Guru (TM) approved beard.  Picking up stray static } discharge from the CRT, it's disrupting your brain impulses.  Lose it. } } You owe the Oracle a Remington Rechargeable.  "Shaves as close as a } blade, or I'll have my football players taunt you with their penises."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest oracle of my dreams, why do these strange accidents happen to > me all the time ? Last night i was attacked by a flock of 747's, and > the day before, rabid jellyfish surged my neighbourhood craving my > blood. Last sunday hordes of small grey ladies brutally asked me about > the way to the nearest post office and i still shiver from the time > when I woke up with a nazi-cross-shaped birthmark on my forehead. > Why are these things happening ? When will they stop ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal, 'tis not a wonder this stuff happened to thee. } Hast thou not been lewdly cherishing the vile platypus? } Doth it not, concerning this behaviour,  say in The Scripture: } "...and verily, for this sin of thine shalt thy eye be pluck out } with a pointed Sticke, the jell-o-ous Fishe shalt drain thy Bloode, } with blunte Objeckts shalt thy head be struck, with Sauerkraut shalt } thy Forehead be smeared, for postal reference wilt thou be turned } to by Violent Senior Citizens..." } And hast thou not been picking thy nose in Publick? } Doth the scripture not say: "He who displays his snot in his } brothers sight, be he on his forehead marked with the swasticka } and befell with Aeroplanes, laughed at even by the ugliest of } Persons, yeah, his Toes will rot and fall to the ground like figs." } } Well, as a matter of fact thou hastn't. The real reason is: } } We felt like it. } } Have a nice day.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who's mathematical circuits are truly the most efficient and > least expensive. Please, oh please, tell me why the Runge Kutta method > of solving Ordinary Differential Equations is better than the Euler > Explicit method, when the Euler Explicit method is obviously much > easier to do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Euler's Explicit method IS easier, and LOTS more fun, but } demostrating that kind of explicit behavior in a crowded lecture } hall would have the PC Police all over your beloved instructor. } } The Runge-Kutta (note the hyphen, kid) method is more complicated } but the carrot suit is one-size-fits-all.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wize and Magnaimous Oracle, who sees all, hears all, knows all, and > whose pooper scooper is obviously in the attic, please tell me: > When are you going to train your fruitbats to keep out of my airspace? > They're really cute little critters; however, for the hundredth time, > they flew over my garage and crapped all over my car last nite!!!  BTW, > what do your feed them - EXLAX?  They don't know when to quit!  I'm all > for animal rights, but GEEZ!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The bats are a vital part of my everpresent brainways, if they } are disturbed, my circles are as well, unfortunately, hostilities (like } yours) are increasing, and this may caussajk 78  /%267 {\]|s<^1w } } Core dumped.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, who was probably there and can give me an eye-witness > account, > > What was the best thing before sliced bread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh mortal worm, the answer is... sloth dung.  Yes, you heard right (and } don't question my knowledge again if you enjoy being anatomically } correct) -- sloth droppings.  Few people know, or even suspect... } actually, few people would even be comfortable with a suggestion to the } effect that sloth pies, liberally applied in a topical fashion, could } not only cure several diseases common to prehistoric man, but also } helped seal open wounds and served as an attractive garnish.  Yes, } sloth dung.  Surely, before sliced bread, The Greatest Thing! } } You owe the Oracle a Farm Animal Scratch 'n Sniff.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > We did not find it.  Is it OK to use a cucumber instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes it is, if you skip the champagne, serve the tomatoes with } mayonnaise instead of soy sauce, have a wee shot of peach schnapps } between the custard pie and the waldorf salad (replace the walnuts with } pinto beans, by the way) and inflate the raisins. } } Be sure to sing the holy mumbo-jumbo song *before* you grind the old } 'cumber and mix the leftovers with nitric acid before the sacrifice. } } You owe the oracle a copy of the anarchists' cookbook.