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} What is wrong, mortal, is that the people who set up computer systems
} are aware that smart alec users such as yourself are going to be
} working with them. Therefore, they take careful steps to prevent
} deliberate system crashes. However, system designers and programmers
} are, like you, only mortal and have been know to let a few things slip
} by them.
}
} While it is true that all machines have a breaking point, some are
} hardier than others. The Oracle suggests the following methods for
} those stubborn instances when your system just refuses to give in.
}
} 1) Load your system with digitized photographs of Rosanne Barr in the
} nude. Please note that this means that Barr should appear nude in
} the photos, and NOT that you should be naked when you carry out this
} procedure. Unless, of course, you're funny that way.
}
} 2) If your system consists of an Apple II, install a second disk drive
} controller and issue instructions to get both sets of drives running
} at the same time. This may not damage the computer per-se, but the
} power supply will go right out the door.
}
} 3) If your system is a VAX, aquire CMKRNL (Change Mode to KeRNeL) or
} CMEXEC (Change Mode to EXECutive) privileges and issue a HALT
} instruction. This may not destroy the system, but it will achieve
} many of the same effects (like gettimg you fired or expelled or
} both).
}
} 4) Have the power company change the line voltage to 220, three phase.
}
} 5) Get a few thousand feet of insulated copper wire, wrap the computer
} room with it and plug it in to a REALLY BIG power supply. You may
} not get any smoke from this one (other than from the wire) but it'll
} be a while before anybody uses the system again.
}
} 6) If your system is a Sun running Unix, just wait a while and it'll
} pack up on its own soon enough.
}
} 7) If you're hell bent on making the sytem blow up just by using the
} keyboard, make sure you use swift, well placed blows and go for the
} disk controller first.
}
} 8) If your system uses an 8mm tape drive backup system, ask the system
} administrator to restore a file for you, then replace the backup
} tape with a copy of Ishtar when he's not looking.
}
} 9) Write a program to send yourself 100,000,000 copies of a mail
} message containing at least 100 lines of text. Note that if you do
} this through a network, you can crash a bunch of other computers
} too. Again, there'll be no smoke, but you'll have fun and that's
} what's important.
}
} 10) Finally, if all else fails, please remember the wise words of
} another Oracle who said:
} "There's no problem that can't be solved with the proper
} application of high explosives."
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete collection of VAX/VMS Version 5.4 system
} manuals
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