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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do houses require more money to be spent on them than wives do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They do??????!!!!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you spell relief?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The proper way to spell relief is } }       I-a-m-n-o-t-r-e-a-l-l-y-p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t } } You'll find that there are very few things which provide more relief. } } You owe the oracle an EPT.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my penis so large?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You lack of sniveling and the superficial coarseness and stupidity } of your worthless question brought me within a hair's breadth of } turning you into a patty melt, my presumptuous supplicant. } } However, at the last moment, it occured to me that your question must } be encrypted or something, since the actual size of your miserable } pecker doesn't seem to (snicker) warrant the attention of an immortal. } } I turned to Qabbalistic analysis of your query to ascertain the True } Question lurking there.  Henceforth, some possible rearrangements } of your wanker-query, "Why is my penis so large:": } } 15. Yo, whimpering lass -- yes! } 14. Yeh, wipe my gross nails!  . } 13. Igor Ylenes, whip my ass. } 12. Win her, ample goy sissy! } 11. Piss my LAN, ye sore Whig, } 10. Yes, Phil, ignore my saws! } 9. Wash my pirogi, Nessey L.! } 8. Wiemy springy Asshole. } 7. Yes! Sample hirings! Yow! } 6. We, her sissy goyim, plan. } 5. Hey, Eros's lawn is gimpy! } 4. A ... I espy wormy shingles. } 3. I spew shiny gray moles. } 2. My Irish gyno lass, weep. } } and probably the most accurate assessment of your anatomy is ... } } 1. I.e., whey-slimy ass prong. } } You owe the Oracle Miss Muffet's phone number.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To the incredible Oracle of the Usenet, > Whose knowledge and wisdom is legendary, > Whose insight on world affairs is astounding, > Whose listeners are bound for fortune, > Who, while considered a fiction, a spoof, >       is an excellent authority to ask on >       questions of global security, >       which if breached without such cover, >       would surely harm we who so humbly ask of you this: > > We belong to a secret intelligence corporation that exists as a > commercial alternative to government espionage.  We search in the dark > for information and receive payment in the dark.  Our organization is > proud to have had direct involvement in infiltrating the Nazis and > inducing Hitler's suicide in the '40s, warning MacArthur of the Red > Army advance into Korea in the '50s, breaking up the D'Glassio crime > family in the '60s (an insidious band of high finance rogues), and > keeping Soviet espionage from dominating the Third World intelligence > community in the the '70s. > > We are officially non-ideological, although many of > us have supported America as opposed to the Soviets, and so being > capitalists at heart we have catered to opposing audiences.  Recently, > we have taken a great loss to our reputation and finances when Iraq > cancelled our nuclear tech collection contract at the start of the > Gulf War.  It seems we also lost a big opportunity due to low morale, > as our moles in the KGB dallied in informing us of the hard-liners' > putsch.  We could have made out big if we had approached Gorbachev > before the coup!  Oh well, so much for crying over spilled milk. > > Still, we need a new market.  With the end of the Soviet Union as a > threat to the United States and as a political reference point for the > Third World, our old haunts are drying up, and now we're stumped. > > Oh, great Oracle, before the banks close our (concealed) accounts, what > is the world's next great intelligence question? > > Signing off for now, > your live(?), roving reporter > at the University of Roach Eater, > > Ben D. Taylor > > "Huh? Nobody told me we needed our heads for the exam." > > "Whereever you go............ There you are." -- Buckaroo Banzai

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to be missing out on the Clarence Thomas - Ku Klux Klan thing. } Frankly, for an intelligence group such as your own, I'm suprised that } you haven't picked up on it yet.  Although he hasn't spoken about his } involvement with the KKK yet, you people should be aware of this by } now.  Let me fill you in in: } } Back in his marijuana-smoking college days at the Jack Daniels } Institute of Law and Sexual Harassment, Judge Thomas played football, } and raised quite a fervor on campus when he mooned the homecrowd after } sacking the quarterback and asking the cheerleaders if they had ever } seen such a nice ass.  While some of them fainted, one cute chick namde } Anita Hill commented on the fact that she had never heard such an } offensive pick-up line before.  Having been humiliated in front of his } team, the opponents, and even the unconcious cheerleaders, Judge Thomas } quit the team and dove into the bottle.  While wandering down a dark } alley late one night, he stumble upon a meeting of the KKK.  Naturally } pissed off at the presence of a black man at their meeting, they } proceded to draw their weapons and move towards the drunk Thomas. Dizzy } from the bottle, he nonetheless saw the fate which was to be his own if } he didn't act fast.  He spoke: "I apologize for interrupting your } gathering, and I will leave you alone if you let me, but if you let me } help you, I can help you kill off every black man in this area."  This } got the Grand Master drooling so bad, he slipped and fell in his own } spit.  When he regained conciousness, they quickly named him an } honorary member of the KKK. While he promised all the black men, Thomas } only wanted to see one black dead: the bitch who had embarrassed him. } They had only begun to plot plot the gruesome suicide that Hill was to } successfully attempt, when Judge Thomas got word of his nomination to } the Supreme Court.  He immediately quit the KKK, and accepted Mr. } Bush's nomination.  Unfortunately, the bitch stepped forward to testify } against Judge Thomas.  For you and only you to know, the next piece of } information will be the KKK slaying of Anita Hill, since Thomas never } lost contact with his white-supremicist friends. } } Your mission:  Since the Oracle does not appreciate either the KKK or } Anita Hill, your mission is to have the KKK kill off both Clarence } Thomas and Anita Hill, and let President Bush pick someone else to } judge, such as Marion Barry or Dan Quayle. } } You owe the Oracle a picture of Clarence Thomas' butt.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 Dee >          Doo >                       Doo >                                   Dooooooo  ? >                             Doo

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dee         Dee }       Doo        Doo,  Dee            Dee }                               Doo             Doo } } You owe the oracle a close-encounter with your girlfriend/boyfriend.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh!  How powerful is such a question!  Such grace, such } power is communed through the artisan's hand!  You can } just see his face as he so imploringly questions if The } Oracle, in all of its infinite knowledge and power, would } deign to grant his feeble, unworthy request.  "Please, } please! Tell me," he begs, tears streaming down his } face, as he kneels before The Great One.  "I must } know." }       The Oracle looks down, smiling comfortingly at } the poor mortal.  "Of course, my child. What is your } question?" } }       The supplicant glances up, his eyes red and wet } from the tears, and a brief flash of hope is seen deep } within his eyes, a smile, flitting upon his lips. } }       "" he says. } }       "Sorry, what was that?" } }       "" he repeats, his whole body straining to hear } what the Oracle will answer him. } }       "What?" } }       A look of fear briefly touches his visage. } Cannot the Oracle hear him?  He lets go a strangled cry } of pain, ""?! } }       "If you're not going to ask me a question, } you'll have to leave." } }       Strong servants of The Oracle come forward, and } drag him from the chamber.  He struggles against them, } but all his energy is spent.  Still, as he is dragged } out, he cries again and again.  ""  "" "" """"""""""!!! } }       "Next," says The Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to know, oh noble one who told Ali Baba, > >       "Hey man, don't touch that lamp!" > > "Why do they call toilet paper, facial tissue.  Don't the manufacturers >  know what it is used for?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three reasons: } } 1) in advertising, it's unwise to mention the word "toilet" on }    anything, even stuff for the toilet. } } 2) a backlash from their being called "buttface" too often. } } 3) the most important reason: most advertising people have their heads }    wedged in their asses anyway, so for them it IS facial tissue. } } You owe the Oracle the advertiser's address and the Jaws of Life.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh oracle, all knowing, I ask of you this question that has been > in this for some time and find myself at a loss.  I heard that light is > made of microscopic particles that have nearly no weight.  But, today, > one of my professors told me that as an object approaches the speed of > light, it gets heavier.  Well, light GOES the speed of light, so isn't > it heavy rather that light?  If so, why don't we call light "heavy"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a heavy question. } } Although it might be right to call light "light", it might be right not } to call light "light".  Your Professor Wright was right, light's made } of mighty light mites, right?  Right.  Now light mites are light, and } fight like mighty light mites.  If one takes fright and takes flight, } the fighting mite might follow right behind the mite with fright.  If } the fighting mite gets right up with the flighty mite, it might take a } bite from the flighty mite's right leg, lightening the flighty mite. } Now as the fighting mite and the flighty mite get right up to the speed } of light, if the fighting mite likes biting the flighty might the } flighty mite gets lighter, so it can be flightier.  So when the flighty } might is right at the speed of light it's actually quite light, right? } Right. } } If light were called "heavy" I wouldn't have been able to write that } paragraph. } } You owe the Oracle every light bulb joke ever.  Right?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most dude-ulous Oracle !!!?!?! > > Which should I call my brother on a regualr basis to annoy him more: > > 1) Dude bro > > 2) Bro dude

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle gets many questions about siblings, and, fortunately, many } problems mortals have regarding siblings have ample precedent.  Yours, } my supplicant, is among them. } } You see, back in 3986 B.C., after my good friend Yahweh had booted } Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, what Yahweh termed } subprocesses but what you would probably call "children" had emerged, } two of whom were these two dudes named Abel and Cain.  Abel was the } older one, and as such, often claimed the preponderance of resources, } much to Cain's distress.  Cain, although smaller and younger, was, } nonetheless, the brasher.  One is tempted to say "stupider", but that } temptation might be due to hindsight.  Anyway, Cain decided to try to } annoy Abel into letting him have more responsibilities (for example, } running the lawnmower), and, of course, just to spite him. } } Cain first tried calling Abel "dude" instead of "Abel" or "brother". } Abel took this as a compliment, since he was a budding linguist and } just thought that Cain was trying to coin new words, which would, of } course be useful in all aspects of everyday life.  Cain tried using } "bro" without the intended effect.  Abel recognized that Cain had } found the first negative-fix method of describing endearment.  Cain's } combinations of "bro dude" and "dude bro" only puzzled Abel, since he } couldn't figure out why Cain's word ordering was inconsistent. } } Finally, Cain drew despondent.  Abel was getting more and more } responsibility *and* was finding absolutely nothing annoying in what } he had done.  Finally, he decided to try to start threatening his } brother, in the hopes of scaring him off to Poughkeepsie, anywhere but } Mesopotamia.  Thus, Cain fashioned the world's first jackknife out of } a flat,sharpened rock, a twisted vine, and a piece of dried celery. } Cain brandished the knife in front of Abel, who proclaimed, "Why, } Cain!  The world's first use of recycling, using discarded food as a } tool!"  Abel grasped the wrong end of the knife, puncturing his hand, } and bled to death, because while he was wondering about why Cain's } grammar was inconsistent, he had failed to invent Band-Aids. } } So, in the long run, whatever annoying phrase you use for your brother } might annoy him to death.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whatever, >    Will it work out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has attempted to parse your question and has terminated } with errors.  The Great Oracular Context Demanding Grammar is provided } below for your inconvenience: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } oracle-question->flattery fluff grovelling fluff question } } flattery->compliment|compliment fluff flattery } } compliment->compliment-physique|compliment-psyche|compliment-Lisa } } grovelling->a-grovel|a-grovel fluff grovelling } } a-grovel->self-humiliation| }       offer-to-service-the-Oracle-in-a-disgusting-way| }       sacrifice-of-body-part|description-of-lude-sexual-practice } } fluff->random-character-sequences fluff|(null) } } question->Where did it go? | }         Why did he do it? | }         How does he do that? | }         Why couldn't she control herself? | }         Will it work out? | }         Why does it happen? | }         Who is responsible? | }         Are we there yet? | }         What is the relationship between the worms and the spice? | }         Why Spice Racks? | }         What made me do it? | }         Vi or Emacs? | }         How many times have I told you? | }         Have you checked the children lately? | }         How can I get a date with Lisa? | }         Why is that man gesturing? | }         How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck }               wood? | }         What is the relationship between the recently observed }               metamorphosis of the psyche and the patterns occurring }               in my coffee mug? | }         . }         . }         . }         But what happened after that? } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Partial parse tree follows: } }                    :( }                    | }    +-----------------+----------------+ }    |                                | }    |                                | }    |                             question }    |                                | }  fluff             +------------+-----+-----+-----------+ }    |               |            |           |           | } Whatever,         will         it         work         out } } } Error #19:                     Input ended without warning. } Error #16342349324211003212001:  Flattery not optional. } Error #4:                        Grovelling not optional. } Error #0:                      :( } } Program terminated abnormally-exited with non-zero return code. } Segmentation fault--core dumped. } } sync;sync;halt