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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please > tell me why, if airplane baggage has a weight limit, why can REALLY fat > people fly for the same price as everybody else?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is quite simple.  When really fat people fly on a major airline, } the company will also schedule tiny people as well on the flight. } Therefore, when someons like, say, Rosanne Barr flies on a plane, it is } necessary to also schedule, say, the entire cast of 'The Wizard of Oz' } also.  However, precautions must be taken.  If Rosanne were somehow to } get a window seat, the plane would take off, but simply fiy around in } circles, and the now out of work munchkins would be late to their } appointments at, say, the Michel J. Fox look-a-like contest.  This must } be avoided at all cost. } } The advice for the oracle to all fat people, walk. (Especially if, like } me, you are allergic to munchkins.) } } You owe the Oracle a good ejection seat and a bottle of nasal spray.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh all seeing oracle with enough IQ to melt a the polar ice > caps... Am I a product of my environment or is my environment a product > of me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question would be the answer to many of the great } questions of the universe, and that answer is "It Depends." } } Let me give you an example: } } Father:  "WHAT is that thing in your ear?!" } } Son: "It's an earring, Dad." } } Father:  "I KNOW that.  WHAT are you doing with an earring?!" } } Son:  "Dad, all the cool kids have earrings!" } } Father:  "Well, no son of MINE is going to wear one of the things. }           Take it out!" } } Son:  "But DAAAAAD!" } } Father:  "If it doesn't come out of your ear, your car doesn't come out }           of the garage." } } Here the environment obviously creates you.  Kids at school convince } the son to get an earring, and if he takes it out in order to once } again have his car, which probably ranks as a 9 on the cool scale as } opposed to the earrings 6 or 7, he will once again be the product of } his environment. } } Now let's see another example: } } Mother:  "How nice!  Did you pick these flowers for me?" } } Daughter:  "Yes Mom!" } } Mother:  "What a sweet girl you are!" } } Daughter:  "It's the least I can do for a mother like you!" } } This is an obvious case of someone creating their environment.  The } daughter is blatantly planning ahead for those days in the future where } she will bring home boys with earrings to meet her parents.  But } performing such seeming acts of kindness will cushion the blow. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Origin of Species.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> yo oracle most sage and balding:  Today is my 27th birthday, will I > marry before I turn 30??  {never trust anyone over 30 :-}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I, Oracle, will do more than simply answer your question; I shall } examine the future directly and determine when, where, and whom you } shall marry. } } I see a wedding in your future--May 17, 2056. } } Wearing your ceremonial g-string, you will crawl down the aisle, } pausing every five seconds, as required, to kiss the left big toe of } your betrothed, who will be hopping from lilly pad to lilly pad beside } you, stopping only to catch the hot pink flies swarming around your } head. } } Your hair, long and white, will be falling over your eyes and dragging } on the ground as you pass over the mile-wide Highway of Staples and } Lemon Juice, the traditional place of weddings and bar mitzvahs.  I see } your hair catching in the band of your spouse-to-be's fedora and being } ripped out of your head to the jubilant cries of your parents. } } Yes, you will marry--have no doubt--but you will be happy only so long } as you avoid sneezing. } } Oh, and one more thing: don't forget to wear your orange underwear.  If } you wear green, you'll be sorry.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't you have something better to do with your time????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The issue of better or worse, divorced from the context of objectives } and mortal goals, is void of meaning.  Thus it is that all super-mortal } entities, Gods and Oracles included, might engage in activities } seemingly meaningless to those whose ken does not extend to the divine } but mysterious purpose.  But the purpose is served, and whose calculus } shall determine the cost?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mr. Oracle, I need your help! I'm in a desperate situation! > They're after me! No, not the Mob. No not the KGB either. Even worse, > It's the IRS!  Oh please, Mr. Oracle, what am I going to DO?! > Aiiighhhh!!!! Here comes one now! Oh NO!! He's carrying an AUDIT > NOTICE!!!! Help!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you have hit upon the primary benefit of being the Oracle -- the } tax-free status.  I simply donate all my income to myself and write it } off in April. } } However, being a mere mortal you do not have that option (unless you } happen to be named Billy Graham or Oral Roberts).  I would suggest the } following, in this order: } } 1.  Take all your shoeboxes full of receipts and drop them on the } auditor's desk.  This may invoke cardiac arrest, either in yourself, } depending on how many shoe boxes your have, or your auditor, solving yo } may also invoke an audit of the last seven years of your life. } } 2.  Declare bankruptcy, blame your accountants, hold a concert in your } benefit and sell an album, performed by yourself, in an attempt to } prove to the IRS and the world that you really didn't realize you } needed to pay taxes. } } 3.  Flee to Bolivia. } } If none of the above work, you should consider declaring yourself } legally dead.  Return all IRS correspondence with the word "DECEASED" } written across the address, don't answer your phone, and refuse to be } seen in public. Granted, it may cause irreparable damage to your social } life, but being rendered poverty stricken by the IRS would have the } same effect anyway. } } Also, <ringgggg>...  Excuse me a moment. } } Hello? } } Mr. Oracle, my name is Bob Jones, I'm with the Internal Revenue } Service. } } Uhhhh... } } It has come to our attention, Mr Oracle, that you have not filed a } return with us for the past few decades, we were wondering why. } } Ohhhh... } } We'll be sending someone to see you early next week.  Please have your } records ready for a review at that time. } } Ehhhh...  Oh Hell.  <ZOT> } } Guess I solved that problem.  <ringggg> } } Hello, Mr. Oracle, my name is John Jones.  I'm with the Internal } Revenue Service.  You can ZOT me if you like, Mr. Oracle, but there are } thousands more where I came from. <click> } } Sorry about that.  Like I said, follow my suggestions.  If you need any } more questions answered, write The Oracle, La Paz, Bolivia. } } You owe the Oracle a Swiss bank account.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> which one is the opposite sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my child, we are confused aren't we?  I see that someone wan't } paying very close attention in 9th grade health class.  Fret not, } however.  The oracle himself has suffered sexual confusion in his } younger days.  Yes, I recall a night about 453 years ago when, in a fit } of ambrosia and Mountain Dew induced passion, I spent hours making mad } passionate love to what turned out to be a large wooly hat, but, uh, I } digress.  To try to make some sense of this tortuously confusing issue, } I have made up this handy reference chart to carry in your } wallet/purse/pocket/mouth: } }       If you are......          The opposite sex is...... }       a man                     a woman }       a bull                    a cow }       a buck                    a doe }       a fern                    a fern }       a nut                     a bolt }       an alto                   a baritone (Oh wait, that's "sax") }       a biologist               the one with which you can reproduce }       a mathematician           -(yoursex) }       an engineer               with 99.7% certainty, the one you aren't }       a philosopher             what is "sex"? }       an idiot                  what is "opposite"? }       a programmer              opposite what? }       a surrealist              aluminum foil }       an artist                 like the fairest summer day }       Andrew Dice Clay          a f*#$%@g piece of ass }       Richard Gere              a gerbil }       Geraldo Rivera            anything on two legs }       Catherine the Great       anything on four legs }       Alice Cooper              a corpse }       a Supreme Court Nominee   something you've never discussed }                                   in public or private }       Boy George                all of them }       Michael Jackson           none of them }       "Pat"                     ???????? } } I hope this clears up all your confusion.  You owe the oracle a } shot of testosterone or estrogen, depending on what sex you think I am.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't know what to do oracle and you're pretty smart so I thought > maybe I could write you and ask you about what you think I should do. > > My mommy says that its not good for a boy like myself to play with > computers so much.  She said that Jimmy and his Sun workstation was a > bad influence on me and that I shouldn't play at Jimmy's anymore and > that Jimmy was a bad influence, and that Jimmy's mom does bad things > with the dog and if I didn't wanna be like Jimmy, his mom, or the dog, > I should stay away from Jimmy's.  IT'S NOT FAIR!  I love my mom but > Jimmy's MY friend and its not fair 'cause she won't buy me a > workstation and I wanna grow up to be just like Steve Wozniak.  What > should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Child, at first, the Oracle was unsure that it would be wise to answer } your question, as the Oracle's wit and wisdom is usually reserved for } adult mortals. But then, considering my previous encounters with adult } mortals, I would be guilty of blatant hipocrisy were I to refuse, so } here goes: } } First, go to mommy and daddy's room and look for their wallets. Then } take all the nice green pieces of paper with pictures of dead people on } them and mail them to the Oracle, care of Steve Kinzler. } } Now, as for your mommy not buying you the Sun workstation, don't fret } over it. The Oracle has several of them at his disposal. And frankly, } the disposal is the best place for them. Ask her for the latest } Nintendo machine instead. It has better graphics and it's more } reliable. Also, you'd never get nasty and incomprehensible messages } like "Recieved giant packet" or } "Segmentation error: core dumped" from a Nintendo. And don't think that } the Oracle hasn't spent long hours analyzing the hidden meanings and } sexual inuendos implicit in those messages--because he hasn't. } } Now, a good way to teach your mommy a lesson would be to go to the } latest Webster's Unabridged Dictionary and look up a bunch of } four-letter words, like the kind that Jimmy probably says when his Sun } workstation breaks down. He probably says them a lot too. Anyway, once } you've got a good collection of these words together, start screaming } them at the top of your lungs whenever you feel like it. Be sure to do } this at least once during dinner, especially if there are other people } around such as your relatives or friends of the family or your dad's } boss. When she asks you where you heard those words, tell her you read } them in the dictionary. If she tells you to stop reading the dictionary } because it's a bad influence on you, it's a sign that your mommy's } needle is stuck and you should trade her in for a new mommy as soon as } possible. } } Finally, the Oracle has pondered laboriously your wish to become just } like Steve Wozniak. My advice is to forget it. Judging by the content } and level of literary complexity of your question, becoming like Steve } Wozniak would only be a step down for you. } } You owe the Oracle an 8" by 10" glossy photo of Jimmy's mom doing } bad things with the dog.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I recently bought two new pair of expensive jogging shoes. > However, they are so new, that their bright white appearance > is embarrassing.  Some people are even suggesting that I look > like I'm wearing white nurse's shoes!  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ruffle riffle.. } } Questions questions, always more questions to grade..  Hmmmm.  Where's } my yellow marker, anyway?  Can never find the damn thing.. I think the } students must hide it..  Aha.. Here we go.. Lesse..  Here's a real } prize winner..  I swear, they're getting stupider every year. } Sometimes I wonder why I even bother..  Selling drugs will be the best } career choice for most of them..  Lazy little bastards..  Mumble.. } } Hmmm.  No groveling. } -10 points. } } Hmm. Mmmmm.. Didn't even say "Dear Oracle".. } -5 points. } } Absolutely no groveling anywhere at all!  Ye Gods! } Another -5 points. } } New shoes?  Already?  What was wrong with the old pair? } Don't people repair things anymore?  What did they do } with the old pair, I wonder?  Probably just threw them } away!  Didn't give them to someone else who really needed them, } they just WASTEFULLY THREW THEM IN THE TRASH WHERE THEY'LL } ADD TO OUR ALREADY INTOLERABLE BURDEN OF NON-BIODEGRADABLE } WASTE! } -5 points for poor economy and excessive environmental impact. } } Expensive shoes?  Don't they know there's a recession on? } -10 points for poor consumer awareness.. } } *TWO PAIRS*!?!  What for do they need TWO pairs for?  Goddamn yuppie } values gone berserk, I swear.. } -20 points for being a selfish jerk. } } White shoes?  This isn't Los Angeles. } -10 points. } } Hmm. Bright white, eh? } -5 points for endangering passing aircraft. } } Confused for a nurse? } -10 points for promoting professional stereotypes. } } Hmmm.  That's -80 points on this one alone!  A new record of } sorts.. Sigh..  Another 8 year bachelors degree, by the looks of it. } Sometimes I wonder whether they learn *anything* in high school. } } I hate this job. } } You owe the Oracle a vacation in the bahamas and a Politically Correct } curriculum for next year.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle smart, Oracle wise, > Oracle, there above the skies, > or... in the Computer Caves down Below? > (Which one it is I'll never know) > Oracle large, Oracle proud > (Oracle talkative, pushy and loud) > Oracle, please just answer me this: > > What is the source of eternal bliss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         ALL of the THINGS which this DECadent MODern socIety } refers to as ETernal bliss are only transient EVILS that } distract ones FOCUS on the TRUE GOD; distractions like DRUGS, and } SEX, and PROStitutes, and MONEY, and SEX, and comPUters! The only } WAY that TRUE bliss can be ACHIEVED is by dedicated FOCUS.... }         <<<<<<<<<<BHWHAM!!!!!>>>>>>>>>> } }         Excuse me, the reverend was just stopping by for a brief } visit; he's one of the new neighbors, and wanted to get better } acquainted. I chose this opportunity to better acquaint him with a } four by four. The answer to your question is "chocolate," and I } appologize for any inconvenience. } }         You owe the ORACLE an autographed copy of Robert } Heinlein's "The Sound of His Wings."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle most wise, omniscient one who knows all, please answer > me this: > > Which came first, the chicken or the egg ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think I did the chicken first, on the fifth day. Then the egg. Then } the herbed Brie and sun-dried tomato omelet. } } On the seventh day, I did a total backup and GC. And had a good } breakfast, at the Garden of Eden. Typical yuppie hangout - lots of } ferns, and you'd have to sell your soul to afford one lousy apple } torte. } } You owe the Oracle a BMW and the Creation Science version of the } SPARC-2 assembly language manual.