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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracular type person, dude of Useneticity, I ask of > thee a question of great importance.  A question whose answer has been > sought out since the Great Long Distance Break-up. > > Answer me this, most radical of information service type people: > > Does God have a phone number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, good seeker, god does have a phone number.  In fact, he has his } own area code, and every phone number in that area code is his.  This } area code is 408.  Unfortunately, it is hard to reach god on any of } these lines, because conventional telephones have no slash in the } O's... } } This reminds me very much of a question I was asked recently: } } "Oracle, how come god preforms no miracles of biblical proportions } these days?" } } The answer to both lies in this little gem of wisdom: } }       You could reach goals beyond your own comprehension, }       if you didn't spend all day on the internet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do babies come out of mothers and not fathers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} INSOLENT MORTAL!  You must grovel and humble yourself when you ask a } question of the all knowing, all seeing, all mighty Oracle.  You are } lucky I am in a good mood, as I will answer your question and curse you } with only a mild case of hemmoroids for your insolant behavior. } } As for your question,  can you imagine a baby trying to crawl through } the hole of the male genitalia?  But perhaps, just perhaps, you're } question was meant to be taken in a broader sense, asking about the } origins or the process. I shall give you the benefit of the doubt, and } shall reveal this knowledge to you: } }  % Flashback -bce on } }  Adam and Eve had just gotten the boot from the garden of Eden and God }  was faced with a monumental problem.  He had not yet selected the way }  in which human's would reproduce.  He had tried various different }  methods with the other animals about, but didn't think anything quite }  fit.  Still feeling angry at Adam, Eve, and the snake for their part }  in 'the tree incident', He considered forcing both of them to pass }  eggs through their rectum.  He decided, in his infinite mercy, that }  this was too harsh, and evetually decided to place most of the }  responsibity on Eve, still blaming her for disobeying his command.  He }  gave the snake the eggs, and instead gave Eve, and thus all decendants }  of mankind < }  % ^z }  That's mankind as in all humans, the Oracle holds no prejudice, he }  sees all people as equally insignificant }  % fg }  > the responsibility of raising a live human being for an entire year }  inside of her body before it was born. }     Eve, of course, was outraged, and received no sympathy from Adam }  who looked very sorry in her presense but she just KNEW he was laughing }  behind her back.  She had a heated argument with God which earned her }  a monthly period and PMS.  She did manage to convince God that a year }  was too harsh from the child's point of view, and got Him to lower the }  time to 9 months. } }  % end of flashback } } You owe the Oracle a Condom.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you tell me which of the four directions is right for the place > that I sit in? I feel like I sit in the North, where buffalo is, but > I'm not sure....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will determine which direction is right by a process } of elimination. } } The Oracle points his mighty finger to the north: } } <ZZZATZ!> } } <rumble rumble rumble moooooo rumble> } } There are buffalo in that direction, as you said, but they are } now stampeding east. } } The Oracle points his mighty finger to the west: } } <ZZZIZT!> } } <BOOM bubble> } } The Pacific Ocean is that way. } } The Oracle points his mighty finger to the south: } } <ZZZANG!> } } <poof> } } That takes care of that pesky David Duke. } } The Oracle points his mighty finger to the east: } } <ZZZWOMF!> } } <AIIIEEEGH!  burble thud sizzle> } } You are in the east. } } <rumble rumble moooooo rumble rumble> } } Ooops, forgot about the buffalo.  Hope they can find your } remains. } } You owe the Oracle a hand-drawn map of the world showing all } objects larger than 1 meter, with a small sign saying "I am here" } at your current location.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I do for halloween?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The activities of a person on halloween are particularly based on age. } Select the proper activity from the list below. } } unborn:       Take a ride with mom (in the clown suit), and the }               other kids in the neighborhood.  Get an early start on }               hardening arteries by having mom eat 1/2 the candy before }               she gets home. } } age  0 -  3:  Drool on your costume while not in the presence of }               adults. Scream and cry/hide upon meeting strangers.  Gnaw }               on candy in the wrapper. } } age  4 - 10:  Trick-or-treat in a costume of popular cartoon character }               obtained from K-mart.  Get candy stuck in hair and }               costume. } } age 11 - 13:  Attempt to manufacture your own costume from your own }               ideas. End up wearing costume form age 10.  Loose 1/2 }               your candy when the bottom falls out of your bag in the }               rain. } } age 14 - 18:  Realize that these are final years that you can }               "realisitcally" still get free candy on halloween.  Party }               with friends and experiment with candy flavor liqueurs. } } age 19 - 25:  Your supposed to be studying in college now.  What do you }               mean halloween?  Visit fraternity/sorority halloween }               party and demonstrate prowess with candy flavor liqueurs. } } age 26 - 30:  Get first house with new spouse, and attempt to entertain }               kids on halloween.  Buy econo-size candy and local }               warehouse food distribution center, and eat all that's }               left over. } } age 31 - 35:  Yell at your *O#$**(&%$ spouse to get the door and take }               care of those screaming kids.  Munch on "heart smart" }               seasame seed candy. } } age 36 - 40:  Take *O$**(&%$ kids out to get candy in the neigborhood. }               Dress in costume if necessary.  Return home and fight }               with spouse who ate all the "extra" candy and didn't }               leave you any. } } age 41 - 45:  Try to figure out what all the other divorced people do }               on halloween.  Begin quietly eating the kid's halloween }               candy as they return home. } } age 46+:      Die from eating all that halloween candy ASAP.  This }               makes the life insurance companies happy.  Bonus points }               are scored for death before age 65. } } Dead:         Audition for screen appearance in the filming of }               Friday the 13th part XC. } ---- } } You owe the oracle all of your saltwater taffy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and magnificient Oracle please clear up this great mystery for > me. > > My girlfriend's name is Brenda.  Now, I know that David means beloved, > and my last girlfriend's name was Barbara which means strange and > unusual, but pray tell me, what does Brenda mean????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, this is indeed a great mystery, nonetheless I, the wise and } magnificent Oracle, shall attempt to explain it to you. } } Your answer lies in the ancient and mystical art of numbers! A } philosophy eveloped by an ancient race of mathematicians who were later } wiped out by barbarion hordes, numbers can provide the answer to all of } life's problems. } } In your case David, your name has 5 letters and Barbara has 7 letters. } "Beloved" has 7 letters, as does "strange" and "unusual". "Strange and } unusual" has 17 letters. The sum of the values of your relationship } with Barbara ( "David and Barbara" = "beloved and strange and unusual" } ) is 15 = 27. If you examine these results closely you will see a } pattern of 7's. Since 7 is a lucky number indicating luck in love this } obviously means the disharmony of your name ruined your relationship } with Barbara ( It would have been successful if your name had been } Stephen - 7 letters, 17 = 27, note the sevens). } } Benda has 7 letters as well, which bodes well for your relationship } with her. David and Brenda = beloved and ?, or 5+3+6 = 7+3+?, which } means 14 = 10+?. So, her name definately means a four letter word - } "carp". Since the lucky number 7 is still present (14/2=7), and the } Equation balances (14=14), I predict great things in your relationship } with Brenda. } } You owe the Oracle the derivative of David with respect to Brenda, carp } <=0 and beloved(Brenda)=42.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sob !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       What?  You *dare* call the Oracle a son of a bitch?? } Here I am, working my tail off for measly peons such as yourself, } giving up my free time, my work time, and even my time with Lisa } to answer every single question you come up with, and I still get } this blatant attack to my persona?  After...*wipe tear*...all I } have done for you, you just...send me...hate...*sniff*..mail } all day long like I weren't...*blow nose*...a real person.  Sob! } } You owe the Oracle a box of Kleenex.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was that professor at indiana.edu serious about dinosaurs passing so > much gas that they caused global warming, and then died? > > Or is this one of your better tricks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is in fact true.  The professor you speak of is actually the } nationally acclaimed Dr. Dave Barry, endowed stool of journalism at } Dade County Correctional Instruction.  As noted in several of his } scholarly articles, unauthorized emissions from the tailpipes of } various large farm animals are responsible for the current woes being } cleverly passed off as the fault of the Republican administration. } } Additional research funded by the Taco Bell Research Institute has } discovered that dinosaurs are in fact responsible for the oil and gas } deposits located around the country, but that the causal mechanism was } poorly understood.  In fact, what we now call "West Texas } Intermediate" is really the remnants of a "Big Dino Burrito" special } from the wade-through window of the Mesozoic Mall.  We leave you to } draw your own conclusions about the material now being marketed as } "Natural" gas... } } And now that the Oracle has enlightened you, he advises that you } approach from _down_ wind the next time!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O host with the most, please tell me the following: > > Why do bees fly when scientists say that their bodies aren't suitable > for flight? > > I wait for your answer...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kinda shows how much your scientists know, doesn't it? } } Flying has little to do with the shape, size, or weight of one's body. } Notice that bees, eagles, squirrels, and 747s all fly, even though } their shape, size, and weight all vary greatly. } } As has been pointed out before, flying is the knack of throwing } yourself at the ground, and missing. This requires a highly distracted } state of mind, and invokes the Law of Selective Gravitation. This has } been illustrated many times in educational films such as old Road } Runner cartoons. } } Bees can fly because their minds are so small that it doesn't take much } to distract them. The prospect of a pollen-filled blossom is enough to } make them forget to fall. } } Eagles (and birds in general) can fly because they're so intent on } finding dinner in the bushes below, or on getting away from that larger } bird that's chasing them (for ITS dinner), that they forget about } gravity. } } Squirrels can fly because (paradoxically) they don't do it very well. } For them, the sheer risk of trying to make that flying leap to the next } branch is enough to distract them from hitting the ground. } } 747s can fly because the people on board get so distracted by the } amount of money the thing costs, that hitting the ground is just } completely forgotten. It's so important that the pilots maintain this } distracted state that they are surrounded by gobs of distracting } things, like navigation instruments, engine RPMs, and Air Traffic } Control. Occasionally, a group of passengers start to wonder why they } don't hit that big earth below, and all the distractions in the world } won't keep the thing up, and a crash results. } } You owe the Oracle one Bernoulli.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most humble Oracle, I must have the answer to the following question, > else I shall die. > > If roses are red, and violets are blue, what color are mirrors? > > I anxiously wait your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                  Investigation into the color of mirrors. }                  ---------------------------------------- } } Abstract: In response to an anonymous inquiry, the notion of the } color of mirrors is contrasted with the notion of color in two } different types of flora. Both anecdotal evidence and empirical } research are employed and the possibility of several solutions, } dependent on initial boundary conditions, is proposed. } } Introduction: The concept of color has long been an important } one in the classification of objects. "I feel blue" laments } the typical country and western singer, indicating an empathy } with the flower of the violet. Such color classification is } often used to introduce apparently unrelated topics also. For } instance, in the traditional rhyme: } }                       Roses are red }                       Violets are blue (*) }                       Bush might seem stupid }                       But Quayle's number two. } } (*) Why violets are not referred to as being violet remains a } topic for further research. See also Goldberg (1987), The Colour } Purple. } } Method: Anecdotal evidence was collected by asking friends for } their opinions as to the color of mirrors. One group, a control } group, was simply asked for the color, whilst another was told } what colors violets and roses are before the question was asked. } }         Empirical research was performed by looking first at } violets, then at roses, then at a mirror. } } Results: There was one respondent in each of the two categories } mentioned earlier. Results are given in table 1. } }             Table 1 - Anecdotal evidence as to mirror coloration. }         Group              Reply }         -----              ----- }        Control             How the hell would I know? }        Prompted            Black, as near as I can tell. } }          It is worth noting that respondents in both groups live } in the same house, where the power has just been cut off. We may, } however, safely assume that this does not bias the study. } }          In empirical enquiries, after looking at roses and violets, } and then looking at a mirror, all that was observed was a brilliant } white glow. See Bacchus (1543 BC), Why the Oracle Keeps Evaporating } My Beer. } } Conclusion: Mirrors are white for me, and black for everyone else.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr Oracle -- > > Is it true that, in the world of the future, > there will be vast cities made entirely of Q-tips? > ( I hope so, because I like Qtips. )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What kind of groveling is that?  And that's MS Oracle to you!  You owe } the Oracle three boxes of } }       [Message from gaia@mother.earth.org: Answer the bloody question!] } } ear wax dissolver. } } Yes, of course.  Actually, vast cities are already made of metaphorical } Q-tips.  You see, the architectural field has long been dominated by } men with a distinct case of penis envy.  In ancient Egypt, they built } pyramids, because, of course, it was length and width that counted the } most.  This paroxysm of metaphorical erection sated architects for the } most part until the late Middle Ages, when among the Christian clergy, } a new wave of penis envy struck, causing the plannign and erection of } taller and more elaborate cathedrals, with higher, taller, and kinkier } spires and flying buttresses. The clergy really liked to dress up and } do it that way.  The modern era ended yet another respite, starting } with the erection of the Eiffel tower (since French architects liked } sparseness), and accelerated with the Chrysler building (tall, sleek, } and in the car), and reached its climax with the Empire State Building } (since power is an aphrodisiac). } } Since Q-Tips, like all these tall buildings, are redolent of the male, } whether or not cities actually are built out of Q-Tips, they might as } well have been made thereof, for quite some time now.  No wonder you } like Q-Tips so much. } }       [Message from gaia@mother.earth.org: Much better.  Now make your }       bed!] } } You owe the Oracle an Erector set.