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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Most wise and gracious Oracle, who has never felt the indignity of > having walked up two flights of stairs to the tea-room, only to find > that some SOB has used the remainder of the milk, and failed to replace > it. >     Pray tell me why it is that coffee-drinking dweebs, pumped up with > the expectation of getting their bi-hourly fix of caffeine, are > physically inapable of spooning a single spoonful of sugar into their > disgustingly filthy cups, without distributing half of the contents of > the coffee container throughout the sugar container, thus managing to > slightly upset us nice, otherwise placid, otherwise genteel tea > drinkers. > >                          Yours most sincerely, >                            Michael D.  Cole.  ( Esq.  )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pity them -- they are addicts, they know not what they do. Picture } yourself in their shoes... } } ...your head is starting to throb you need a fix your mind is racing } when was the last cup of coffee who knows you're worried are you } drinking too much coffee how could you tell if you were drinking } too much coffee how can anyone tell what are the symptoms who cares } you just need a cup and you need it now quick upstairs with your } cup are you going to wash it no there's no time for that but it's } really filthy too late you've put the coffee in you're pouring the } water you should wipe the spoon before using the sugar but you } don't you need the coffee right now and there's just no time add } the milk some SOB's used it up and not replaced it but it was probably } you 30 minutes ago so you keep quiet and just drink it black and } you're starting to feel better already yes that's it that's what } you needed... } } ...not that the Oracle has ever experienced this at all it's just that } the Oracle is all knowing and like that means I know everything whether } I've actually experienced it or not you owe the Oracle an express } elevator up to the tea room...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does Bob like doritos so much?  Who is Bob?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, oh dear.  Every second person asks the oracle about that one. } Why? Who cares?  DOES IT REALLY MATTER?  Of course it doesn't, } especially when one knows the answer (which, if you are really good and } read all this message, I will tell you later). } } Try in future to ask questions that really matter, questions like: } }       *       Hey Oracle, where can I get the best pizzas } }       *       Letters starting with: } }               "Dear Oracle, }                       I  always  thought the letters to you were just }               made up, but now I'm not so sure.  I was just sitting in }               the nude on my window-sill, playing with myself, when who }               should walk into my life but...." } }       *       Dear Oracle,    If one and one are two, and JohnH needs a }               haircut, what's the answer to question 4 on my term }               paper? } }       *       Oracle - If you were travelling at the speed of sound, }               and you switched the radio on, would you still hate the }               Beatles White Album? } }       *       Is Elvis alive, and if so, was he that fat guy eating }               tacos with straight chilli sauce } }       *       Why  do  I have to come in and do full-backups on }               Saturday mornings when I should be at home? } }       *       Did I really do what they said I did after I chugged }               those 47 bottles of cider last Saturday night?  Can you }               catch anthing off Municipal buildings? } }       *       I'm thinking of becoming a nun, should I try and kick the }               ... habit  (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) } }       *       Does looking at your private parts in the mirror give you }               cancer?  If so, where?  What would happen if I looked at }               someone else's private parts in a mirror?  Would they get }               it, or would I?  Could I maybe go into business as a }               "long term" contract killer by doing this? } }       *       It says I'm supposed to mount tape 7.  If I don't mount }               it, will the world stop spinning?  If it does, will }               people try to get off?  If they do, and they succeed, can }               I have their cars? } }       *       Just what is a good penis size, and how can I prove it? } }       *       There are two pucks, A and B, travelling along a }               frictionless surface at a velocity of 10 m/2.  They are }               travelling in opposite directions, and will collide in 25 }               seconds.  When they collide, will someone please tell me }               why we call air tables frictionless surfaces, and WHY }               CAN'T WE PLAY SHUFFLPUCK on them when no-one's using }               them? } }       *       Why not? } }       *       Is salami really bad for you? } }       *       I have to tell the machine that tape 7 is ready.  Why }               doesn't the tape know that tape 7 is on? } } There.  The answer to your question is: }       (a)     Because. }       (b)     He's the guy who killed Laura Palmers Father.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh inebrious Oracular entity, >  Why can't one purchase fermented corn in the south on sunday.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very simple question to answer.  The reason you cannot buy } fermented corn on Sunday is because Sunday is fermented GRAPE day. } Fermented CORN day is Monday through Thursday.  Friday and Saturday } are fermented BARLEY days. } } This holds true for the southern regions.  In the northern regions, } fermented corn day lasts only until Wednesday and Thursday is fermented } AVACADO day.  Just some little quirk about northerners that nobody's } really ever been able to figure out.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, mighty Oracle, in your great wisdom enlighten me... > > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could Chuck > Norris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, seeing as the woodchuck's wood-chucking ability } would be heightened by the ability to chuck wood as Chuck Norris } would be able to chuck wood, one would think that the wood would be } more apt to be chucked by someone of such chucking stature. } However, we know not if Chuck's woodchucking would be better than } a woodchuck, and therefore we cannot conclude whether or not the } new woodchuck's wood to be chucked would be chucked better than } the average non-Chuck woodchuck who would chuck wood.  So, the } answer is: } } If a woodchuck could Chuck Norris, it would kick butt, but probably } not chuck any more wood than would a non-Chuck woodchuck. } } You owe the Oracle some wood to chuck.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wise and mighty beyond compare, please answer my question, > > Everybody here is addicted to Tetris.  Nobody does anything useful, > since they play Tetris all day.  Is Tetris a part of a Communist plot > to stop the concur the west ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's "CONQUER," you...you...damn.  Just a second, my thesaurus } server is offline and I need some really archaic insult.  Ah, it's } back up.  Let's see:  "FOOL: idiot, dunce, buffoon".  No, not quite. } "IDIOT: mental defective, imbecile, moron."  Hmmm.  "MORON: cretin, } idiot, imbecile."  Perfect.  Let's try again. } } That should be "CONQUER," you cretin!  What's more, that second comma } should be a period, "West" should be capitalized, and that last } sentence doesn't make any sense at all!  Do you have any idea how much } extra effort I have to put in to try to parse garbage like that?  I } can't use my standard context-free parser, and even my normal natural } language processor barfs on it.  I have to pull out my "Dunce and } buffoon" parser.  If you think NP-complete algorithms are hard, you } should see the complexity of this one!  You people have no idea how } much trouble you cause when you fail to proofread.  No wonder you } geeks can't get anything better than a C minus in any class where } you're required to actually write ENGLISH.  Sure, you may be able to } handle C, Fortran, Pascal, Snobol, Cobol, 8088, JCL, Ada, Eiffel, } Algol, and APL, but if you try to put together a few paragraphs in a } letter to your mother, you choke!  You don't believe me?  When was the } last time you wrote to your mother, then? } } And what are you doing getting addicted to some stupid video game, } anyway?  My god, it's just little blocks falling down into a big } rectangle.  It's not even violent!  Neither does it involve much } mental effort; it's mostly memorization of patterns coupled with quick } reflexes.  Daytime television is more intellectually taxing than this! } You could at least be addicted to some real electronic game, like "Zork } Zero" (involves mental effort), or "Street Fighter II" (violent). } Besides, doesn't that lousy music bore you? } } Now tell, me then:  why do all of you have this game?  Did every } person there actually BUY the game?  Or, did you ILLEGALLY COPY IT all } over the place, you PIRATE?!  You know, programmers have to make a } living, too.  Some of them produce this game that, for some reason, } you love so much, and what do you do?  You spit in their face, and } don't pay them for their work, that's what.  How would you like it if } your boss told you he didn't feel like giving out paychecks this week? } You wouldn't, that's how! } } So you expect me to answer a question from a functional illiterate } imbecilic criminal software pirate who doesn't proofread, is addicted } to a stupid game which he plays instead of working, gives serious } thought to conspiracy theories, and doesn't write to his mother?  Well, } you know what I say to that? } } "OK." } } The answer to your question is a very common one: } } No.  They did it because they needed the money.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you ever heard about Le Pen, this fascist pig ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, The Oracle has heard about Le Pen. And well do we know what a } fascist this Le Pen is. All France is disgraced by the presence of Le } Pen. Le Pen is surely the root from which poison about France has been } spreading to her trusted friends and military allies. } } What started as simple, good for business international competition in } the disposable plastic writing utensil industry has at last turned into } cutthroat, murderous politics and diplomacy gone to hell, but not yet } come back. } } Where before the 1920's the American tastes in pens was primarily } determined by utility, blindly placing function before form, after the } "French Invasion" of mass produced yet intriguingly unique and } physically attractive pens there was a "French Revolution" in the } public's view of their writing sticks. Now, they saw that a pen can be } a statement of one's personality, and in this light they flocked to } embrace the individuality of the French Fashion Penmakers, the premier } of whom incorporated under the _nom_du_plume "Le Pen." } } The American manufacturers suffered from devasting losses of market } share. An advertising campaign was started to attempt to bring back the } consumers to American pens. The marketing strategy began first to } portray the American pen companies as the helpless hometown heros } defending against ruthless, unscrupulous foreign invaders. About this } time, Mussolini was beginning to rise in power, giving an opportunity } for the pen manufacturers to promote the idea that Europeans, } especially the French, were by and large fascist. And, of course, no } one wanted to support a fascist regime like the French! And what more } insidious path for fascist sympathizers to promote their cause, than to } seduce Americans with promises of new, good things, designed with } fashion in mind, for what is fashion than merely the masses following } mindlessly the dictates of the few? And what more devious method to } introduce their fashion fascism than through the ordinary writing pen? } A utensil that should, by *the natural order* should serve a function } rather than slave to the concept of "form" of an elite, } incomprehensible few? } } The American people, as they have done ever since, took the words of } the advertisers at their face value, and deeply believed that the } French were attempting to impose their twisted will upon the rest of } the world through the introduction of their brands of ball point pens. } To this very day, we decry the very existence of the French pens, with } the worst bile saved for the worst of them all, the fascist Le Pen. } } You owe the Oracle a text on the French Industrial Revolution }   written by Ralph Nader.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your last answer, oh greatest imagineable Oracle, was really great. > What can I do for you, misty Master of the Metrum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, that depends on how far you are willing to go. } I know that being a mere mortal with feelings of pain and } humiliation make limits on the amount of "what can I do for you?" } Let's take various stages of servitude and see which ones are } right for my needs, as well as your level of open-mindedness: } } 1) Spread the word of the Oracle throughout the land. } }    This one has pretty much been beaten into the ground already, } and the only people who would oppose you are Muslims who might } think you were trying to sway others from Allah.  However, it } is simply too easy for you to do, and is done by most others } who have felt my power. } } 2) Get a tattoo of my face on your butt. } }    This one I like, except for a few things.  One, no one would } ever see it unless you were involved with something really hot } and heavy, and then it's unlikely anyone would stop what they } are doing to actually admire the tattoo.  Also, tattoos don't } give that much pain to endure.  I should know, because I have } one of Lisa's face on my inner thigh.  Oh, yes, the last reason } is that I don't have a face. } } 3) Swear yourself to chastity in my name. } }    Never mind. } } 4) Cut "The Usenet Oracle is the greatest thing that }         has ever happened to me" into your forehand }       with a really big knife. } }    My personal favorite.  To lessen the obvious amount of pain, you } could drink enormous amounts of alcohol before inflicting the cuts. } Of course, your blood would be much thiner than usual, causing } it to run down your face and drip onto your chest, and it would be } very hard to get it to clot well, but at least you would feel } less initial pain.  In fact, you's better forget the alcohol part, } but I still like the idea.  Nice and painful. } }       So, it is decided.  Carve the above phrase into your } forehead with a butcher knife, without the help of alcohol to } lessen the pain. } } You owe the Oracle a recording of the screaming.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty oracle, tell me this: > >          Do human beings have souls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %ftp earth.creator.com } Connected to earth.creator.com. } 220 earth FTP server (Version 3634.682c) ready. } Name (earth.creator.com:big_guy): } Password (earth.creator.com:big_guy): } 230-Welcome to the Mother of all Creation FTP server. } 230-A current listing of all species is located in the root directory } 230-called 00Species.txt.Z } 230-Please read the 00Readme.NOW file, last updated 2 days ago. } ftp> cd /species/land/mammal/tiger/bengal } 250 CWD command successful. } ftp> binary } 200 Type set to I. } ftp> put soul.tar.Z } 200 Port command successful. } 150 Opening BINARY mode data connection for soul.tar.Z. } 226 Transfer complete. } local: soul.tar.Z remote soul.tar.Z } 284721 bytes sent in 54 seconds (5.1 Kbytes/s) } ftp> cd /species/water/mammal/whale/blue } 250 CWD command successful. } ftp> put soul.tar.Z } 200 Port command successful. } 150 Opening BINARY mode data connection for soul.tar.Z. } 226 Transfer complete. } local: soul.tar.Z remote soul.tar.Z } 284721 bytes sent in 58 seconds (4.8 Kbytes/s) } ftp> cd /species/land/mammal/human } 250 CWD command successful. } ftp> put soul.tar.Z } 200 Port command successful. } 150 Opening BINARY mode data connection for soul.tar.Z. } Data connection refused.  Aborting. } ftp> quit } 221 Goodbye. } %

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, tell me what did Jim Morrison though of > when he wrote: >     When the still sea conspires an armour >     And her sullen and aborted >     Currents breed tiny monsters, >     True sailing is dead. >     Awkward instant >     And the first animal is jettisoned, >     Legs furiously pumping >     their stiff green gallop, >     And heads bob up >     Poise >     Delicate >     Pause >     Consent >     In mute nostrill agony >     Carefully refined >     And sealed over. > > What is he talking about ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very astute question, very good, indeed: } This only affirms my notion that you would be that person, } the only one from this Age that would be enlightened as to } the ways of God and Man.  Now I am no longer dissatisfied } with this Age and will not destroy it with fire, nor water, } nor twinkie inundation. } You must know now that Jim was my personal avatar.  He was, } if you wish to know, my three thousand and fifty first incarnation- } and oh, what an incarnation, Summer nights and Venice Beach and } oh, it almost makes me forget about when I was Siddhartha Gautama } at Benares and when I was Charles Lutwidge Dodgeson, but not } completely, there is, as you noted, a message here: and one } which you should learn if you are to be this Age's prophet. } So, here goes: } }     When the still sea conspires in Armour }  (when a ship- on a near frozen sea near Alaska dumps waste) }     and her sullen and aborted }  (this sea is near a nation where abortion is a sullen issue) }     currents breed tiny monsters, }  (    Republicans         ) }     True Sailing is Dead. }  ( Listen also to the Grateful Dead, from their mouths too }      issue forth brilliant stars of nirvana) }     Awkward Instant }  (remember your first kiss, well this is where the world is }     kissing death for the first time) }     And the first animal is jettisoned, }  ( the mule of the Democratic party will be replaced }     with the image of a Tomato under your divine guidance) }     Legs furiously pumping }  ( an image of the texas oil wells and dancing girls, }      Texas is the home of the first church you will found) }     their stiff green gallop }  ( Columbus filled his groin with green death or some other nonesuch) }     and heads bob up, }  ( Vanilla Ice will be decapitated by a partisan of your religion }      and too, Madonna, in order to purge bad taste from }      the world) }   Poise, Delicate, Pause, Consent }   (the sexual VCR you will manufacture to make the world a }      better place, Poise will position the users, Delicate }      will start action, Pause is for phone calls and dern }      those mid-sex munchies when you just HAVE to get up an }      get some grapes or a handful of popcorn, Consent is }      when you don't feel the position is morally acceptable, }      Dr. Ruth will come on and say its Ok. }      ) }      The rest is Jim's own- I suspect it has something to } do with cocaine addiction- rather pleasing but not what I } have in mind for a religious statement. } } You owe me an American Prayer, with emphasis on the prayer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> bucks in tux?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fox in socks. } Clocks on rocks. } Box in lox. } Docks at Knox. } } Blue in view. } Crew at two. } True in moo. } Woo woo woo. } } Rick on stick. } Quick to nick. } Flick your Bic. } *CLICK* *CLICK* *CLICK* } } You owe the Oracle the next release of the Dr. Seuss Prose Generator. } This one sucks...  buck in tux... oh, never mind...