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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ask me

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most omniscient, omnipresent, omnivorous, omnidirectional, and > omnipotent ORACLE, who is not only greater than I do imagine, but is > greater than I CAN imagine, who is the fountain of all knowledge and > wisdom, I, a most humble and unworthy supplicant, fear that I must beg > a precious moment of your attention to help me with my insignificant > problem. > > For the past four years there has been a person on campus who > apparently looks just like me.  I have never seen this person, but most > of my friends have, and have mistaken him to be me, even when I had > been verifiably elsewhere.  I do not know who this person is or what he > wants, but as I am about to finish college and leave the area, I fear > that the situation, whatever it is, must be resolved soon.  I believe > that the truth of the situation is one of four possibilities: > > 1. This person is my evil twin.  He has been waiting for the right > moment to kill me and then to replace me without anybody noticing. > That way he can get my college degree, friends, money, job, and legal > status without having to do any work. > If this is the case, what should I do to prevent this person from > taking my place?  (For that matter, why would he want to take my place, > considering my degree, friends, financial situation, job, and legal > status?) > > 2. Without knowing it, I am this person's evil twin.  Instead of > wasting these past for years studying, making friends, paying bills, > and obeying laws (more or less), I shoud have been enjoying myself, and > waiting for the right moment to take over his life.  That way I could > get the benefits of all his years of hard work without doing any > myself. > If this is the case, what should I do to effectively take over this > person's life without anybody noticing?  Is his life really that much > better than mine? > > 3.  This person is actually myself from the future.  After inventing > time travel I decided to travel back in time to give the secret of time > travel to myself.  That way I will be able to use the knowledge to > become incredibly rich without actually having to invent time travel > again.  I haven't contacted myself yet because I haven't figured out > how to deliver the plans without causing disruptions in the space-time > continuum. If this is the case, what is taking me so long to give > myself the plans? Why hasn't my future-future-self figured it out and > told my future-self how to accomplish the delivery to my present-self? > > 4.  This person is actually you, the ORACLE.  You have disguised > yourself as me and you are having all kinds of fun, which I won't hear > about until later when I am met at my door by the Police, FBI, CIA, > KGB, ASPCA, Moral Majority, David Letterman's "stupid human tricks" > film crew, the local media, and several motion picture companies > looking to buy the movie rights to my (your) exploits. > If this is the case, why did you choose me?  (Also, can I have copies > of the pictures when they are developed?) > > Oh, wise oracle, I humbly beg you to please tell me the true reason > for the existance of this identical person, and what I should do about > it. > >  - Your most inferior supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're never alone when you're a clone. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed, first edition copy of "Brave New } World"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Somebody give this guy a tap on the side; he appears to be stuck. } } >WHAP!<  There. } } Geez, buddy, either put a penny on the tone arm or switch to CD's } so this doesn't happen in the future! } } You owe the Oracle a clue.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Christmas shopping ads now appearing before Hallowe'en, > when in past years they have waited politely in the wings until > Thanksgiving had had its chance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're not just lurking behind Halloween decorations any more. } } For hundreds of years they've waited for their chance. } } Their chance is now. } } They're out for blood. } } Christmas shopping ads. } } They kill without mercy, and come in two different designer colors. } } Don't miss... } } REVENGE OF THE HORRIBLE EVIL BLOOD-COVERED CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS THAT } HATE YOU. } } Coming soon to a theater near you.                         Rated PG-13

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderful, excellent Oracle!  Tell me this!!! > > Why is my shoe still wet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Its those darn Quantum Polarity Shifts again.  To correct } the situation: } }       1) Run out to K-Mart and pick up a Quantum Phase Inhibitor. }          If they charge more than $758,372,754.95, you're being }          robbed. } }       2) Ask Aunt Matilda to connect it to her washing machine. }          Why ask why? } }       3) Wash your shoe as you normally would, adding a bit of }          Liquid Phase gel. } }       4) Bake at 375F for 30 - 40 minutes until golden brown. } }       5) Allow to cool. } } You owe the Oracle 25 Odor Eaters and a box of Tide.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wise and mighty beyond compare, please answer my question. > > Everybody here is addicted to Tetris.  Nobody does anything useful, > since they play Tetris all day.  Is Tetris a part of a Communist plot > to stop the conquer the west ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...Mortals are not groveling as well as they used to.  And mortal } grammar has also, we see, gone down the tubes.  The oracle must speak } to the gods of language and grammar about doing something about this. } Still, even though you grovel only indifferently, the oracle will } condescend to answer your question. } } Tetris was, as you surmise, part of a plot to conquer the west.  It was } to be the first wave of computer games of increasing complexity which } nonetheless still appeared to be deceptively simple. } } However, you are mistaken in thinking that it was part of a Communist } plot. Just look at the Communists.  Obviously, they spent so much time } playing this game that everything went to hell in a handbasket (and } even faster than we---er, that is, the plotters had predicted).  No, } this is part of a plot by extra-dimensional beings to take over all of } humanity and use them as mindless pleasure slaves--which, after a few } hours of Tetris, is all their little minds are good for. } } You owe the Oracle a few dozen of your co-workers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <stdgrovel.h>  /* not feeling too inspired tonight */ > #include <stdcomplm.h> > > Why am I having so much trouble stopping procrastinating?  I haven't > been like this since high school.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} make -k } cc question.c } question.c: 2: Can't find include file stdgrovel.h } question.c: 3: Can't find include file stdcomplm.h } } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name am } "question.c", line 2: illegal initialization } "question.c", line 2: syntax error } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name I } "question.c", line 2: too many initializers } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name having } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name so } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name much } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name trouble } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name stopping } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name } procrastinating "question.c", line 2: syntax error } "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 2: newline in string or char constant } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name haven } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name been } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name like } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name this } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name since } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name high } "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name school } "question.c", line 5: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use = } *** Exit 1 } } Compilation finished at Sun Oct 27 11:57:16 } } <oracular interception invoked> } } Of course, you must be a Quiche Eater. Used to programming in PASCAL } or worse, in MODULA-2. That are the languages for procrastinators. } Write here, write there, everything but the thing you are going to } program. Here do the types, there the modules but save the central } algorithm. } } I'll tell you what: try C, or even better Assembler. That will teach } you to program concisely and go straight to the heart of the problem. } You'll see, it will even improve your lifestyle. If you insist, you } may use even FORTRAN 66 - a simple, concise, truly American computer } language, none of this cryptic European stuff. Obey my suggestion and, } you will see, things will change for you. } } Completely. } } You owe me a new C compiler. Mine crashed after compiling your text.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, who has persisted through the light and dark ages of > Mankind, never suffering from occasional Oracularity, but always > (boom-boom!) Eveready and still going, please look kindly upon this > inquiry from one who is least worthy to claim even a picosecond of your > time, which is fortunately far more than you would need to answer the > following question: > > What are those orange balls doing on power lines? > > In various locations around the USA one can occasionally look up at > overhead power lines and observe what appears to be an oversized NBA > basketball, through which one of the power lines run.  Actually I think > the "basketballs" are made of metal, but have elected not to attempt to > touch one to verify. They are only placed on SOME segments of SOME > power lines.  If there were only one or two on a segment one might > imagine any number of rational explanations for their existence but > Noooo, these are strung like beads on some Godzillsized necklace and > not to be found at all on any adjacent power line. > > Please spare a few electrons to enlighten (but not shock) me what on > earth, er, what in sky is the meaning and use of these orange balls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, mortal, who nearly understands your pitiful existence as much as } your brain can understand, and who, at least attempts to grace my } existence with your hollow praise, shall be granted the answer to } your question: } }  The orange balls in question are, in fact, a chain of U-Store-It (TM) } storage centers run by some very entrepreneurial squirrels.  They are } only located in areas where more affluent squirrels reside, and thus } are not present everywhere. }  The familiarity of the storage units to basketballs is due to a failed } publicity campaign by the U-Store-It founder, E. G. "Big Cheeks" Olson, } who wanted to have a big name sporting star endorse the storage } facilities.  However, none of the NBA stars contacted would accept } payment in acorns. }  The reason the units are located on only certain power lines is that } many nuts have the unusually property of sprouting due to certain } phases of electricity.  While the nuts store fine on one line, the } adjacent line, being 120 degrees out of phase, may cause the nuts to } sprout, and consequently die and rot, due to the lack of water, } nutrients, and light. }  No, they are not made of metal, but of a squirrel-made polymer that } will never biodegrade, one more example of how the animals are willing } to do their part in destroying mans' environment. } } The Oracle has spared his electron.  Be enlightened and go about } your piffle existence, mortal.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh best oracle, whose answers are like nuggets of purest gold, > > Why do I have a headache, is it the radiation ? > (I thought only married women had headache)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Headaches are something the Oracle has thought about }         for many, many years... } }         First, I would like to enlighten you as to why married }         women have headaches...You see, when a woman gets }         married, a special enzyme (inherent only to the female }         species) is released inside the woman's brain.  This }         enzyme causes the woman to have sporatic, short term }         headaches (usually after 9 pm while getting ready for }         bed). } }         As for your headache...The radiation is probably causing }         it, but I am sure that you have noticed that the radiation }         is also clearing up your acne.  My faithfull follower, it }         is simply a trade off.  Headache - no acne, no acne - headache. }         It is your choice...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle whos keyboard never has crumbs, > Will the USA ever go metric?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to determine the United States } measurement challenge once and for all. } } In the blue corner we have our current US champion for many years, } weighing in at 220.4623 pounds, our hero: Igor Imperial. } } In the red corner we have, weighing in at 100kg all the way from } France, and currently storming the world wherever he goes, our } challenger: Mean Mr Metric. } } It will be a great fight today and one that may change the course of } history. Can Mean Mr Metric defeat Igor Imperial and change US life } forever, or will Igor outwit the classy opponent and maintain his place } in history. } } We are about to find out. } } Gentlemen, I want a clean fight. Shake hands and come out fighting on } the bell. } } Round 1: "DONG" } } They both approach each other and meet in the middle of the ring. } Metric has trained well and opens with the first punch: } }    How many feet in a mile? } } Imperial answers after a moments hesitation with: } }    5280 } } "Good exchange there Bob, hasn't worried either of them." } } "No Bill, it's still neck and neck, although Imperial took a fraction } of a second to divert that question." } } Imperial decides to attack with a similar strategy: } }    How many metres in a kilometre? } } Instantly, Metric flashes back with: } }    1000 } } "Wasn't that a great counter by Metric eh Bob - so quick. He's looking } good tonight" } } "Sure is Bill" } } Imperial goes on the attack again with a curly one: } }    How much does a litre of water weigh? } } Metric comes back quickly with: } }    1 kilogram } } "Great offense from Imperial there Bob. Combining both measurement of } mass and volume - well thought out." } } "Sure thing Bill, but I think he may have left himself a bit vulnerable } here. If I can guess, Metric should follow up with..." } }    How much does a pint of water weigh? } } Imperial reels back with such a tough one. He hesitates. } } "Thought he'd do that Bill, he's looking shaky. I wonder how he's } trained for this?" } } Suddenly, Imperial's eyes light up and he comes back with: } }    1.0431758 pounds } } "Well Bob, our champ got out of that one but it was a bit messy eh?" } } "It was Bill. I think he was lucky there. Metric should come back with } a tough one here if he's got it in him." } } As Metric prepares for an offense, the champ Imperial slips in a sneaky } one: } }    If 1mm of rain falls on 1 square metre of roof, how much water }    is collected? } } "What a shot Bob! That'll hurt him." } } Metric defends without a flinch: } }    1 litre } } "No Bill, Metric has trained too well and has got too much ability. } That reply was instananeous. You know, I think he should follow the } same strategy as before and follow up with..." } }    If 1 point of rain falls on 1 square foot of roof, how much water is }    collected? } } "Imperial is down!" } } 1    2    3    4    5    6    7... } }    7.97922 fl oz } } "What an answer! Our boy's still got guts!" } } "DONG" } } End of Round 1. } } "Bill, that bell came just at the right time. This fight shouldn't last } the next round." } } "You're right Bob, but that guy from France is just too good. } } Round 2: "DONG" } } Imperial comes out and slips in a gentle offense: } }    How many grams in a kilogram? } } Metric defends: } }    1000 } } "Playground stuff there Bob." } } "Yeah Bill" } } Metric goes for the kill: } }    How many grains in an ounce? } } "Uh oh. I think this is it Bob." } } Imperial stutters: } }    uuuhhhhmmmmmmm. Which system? } } "Oh Bill, he's answered with a question. That's not following the } spirit of the game!" } } Metric replies: } }    All three. } } "Curtains Bill. I'm sure." } } Imperial responds: } }    Well in Avoirdupois its 437.5, in Apothecary its 480 and the other } one is... What other one? } } Metric jabs: } }    You tell me. } } Imperial falls to the floor. } } 1    2    3    4    5    6    7    8    9    10 } } "Knocked out Bob!" } } "Yeah Bill. I guess we have to get used to the idea of a new system } here in the US of A. This guy is a mean lean measuring machine." } } "Just let me interrupt you Bob, our man Leroy is down in the ring } talking with Mean Mr Metric." } } "Mean Mr Metric that was an incredible last blow there. Tell me what is } that other system" } }    Tell you the truth, Leroy, I don't know nor care. I just know there }    are three and they are all stupid. } } "Interesting response there from Mean Mr Metric, Back to you Bill" } } "We've just got word that the judges are going to make an } announcement..." } } After final discussion, the judges have decided to declare the fight } null and void due to the fact that the win by Mean Mr Metric would mean } that some politicians might lose the next election. } } You owe the Oracle a life in the dark ages.