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} Welcome to "Who's My Date?", the gameshow that matches YOU with the
} mate of your dreams!!! And here's your host, the Usenet Oracle!!!
}
} [applause]
}
} "Welcome everyone to the fabulous gameshow, 'Who's My Date?'. Today's
} contestant has chosen to remain anonymous, so we'll just call him
} Billy-Bob. Welcome, Billy-Bob!"
}
} "Uh... Hi there Oracle."
}
} "So, are you ready to find out who's the woman for you?"
}
} "Oooh, yeah!"
}
} "Great! You've already specified your preferences, but for the sake of
} the viewing audience, tell us what they were, Billy-Bob."
}
} "Ok... I'm looking for someone with long dirty blonde hair, about
} 5'9", light brown eyes, and a PERSONALITY!!!"
}
} "Hmm... Sounds a lot like MY girlfriend, but she's not on our show
} today so we'll just have to fire up the old computer here and match you
} up with one of our other contestants."
}
} "Great, Oracle. I'm anxious to see who is picked!"
}
} "Ok. We'll just feed this information to the program, and hit
} ENTER..."
}
} [sound of computer accessing tapes, disks, hard drives, printers,
} modems, plotters, and a variety of other I/O devices]
}
} "Well, it seems the computer has come up with two people for you!!! I
} must remind you that because of a limited number of people available,
} you can't always get exactly what you requested. Do you understand
} this Billy-Bob?"
}
} "Uh... I guess, Oracle."
}
} "Ok, the envelope please!........ Uh..... Well, Billy-Bob, the first
} selection is, Grace Jones."
}
} "Um..."
}
} "Ok, Billy-Bob. You can either keep Grace, or turn her down for the
} second selection. I must remind you that should you turn down Grace,
} you must go out with the second person. What do you want to do?"
}
} "I think I'll go with the second choice, Oracle."
}
} "OK... So, instead of Grace Jones, you'll be having a date with....
} Julia Childs!!!!!"
}
} "Ack!!! Gasp!!!"
}
} "Ed, tell Billy-Bob where he and Julia will be going for their date!"
}
} "Ok, Oracle. Billy-Bob, you and Julia will spend a fabulous week for
} two in beautiful North Korea!!! Yes, you and... Hey! Where is he
} going!!!"
}
} "I'm outa here!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
}
} "Hey, Billy-Bob, you have to go out with Julia!!!"
}
} "No way man..."
}
} [door slams]
}
} "Well folks! This has been another riveting episode of 'Who's My
} Date?' See you next time when we have as our contestant, Dan Quayle!"
}
} [corny music]
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Paulina Poriskova.
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