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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and sagacious and knowledgeable Oracle, to whom even the birds > of the air defer when flying, please tell me, is the Wizardship of Oz > still vacant after that charlatan took off in the balloon? How about > the Wicked Witchorates?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Munchkins are all dead. } The jobs positions you requested information on do not exist. } Please try again.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    You mean that there?  How did you get that?  I thought I was the } only one who had that.  Gimme that!  I have to put that in a safe } place.  It is dangerous to have that just lieing around.  I'll put that } in here where it will be safe.  Didn't your mother tell you, you } shouldn't be playing with that?  I admit that that is interesting, but } that is no plaything.  I hope I never see you with that again.  Now run } along. } } And don't be fooling around with this either.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who is by far the most in every imaginable way, grant me, your > humble servant, the answer to my query.  I wish to know what would be > the consequences of getting hit by your train of thought would be.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow. I don't know if you wanna mess with the the train of } Thoughtwouldbe. Thoughtwouldbe is a tiny country on the larger } continent of Thoughtshouldabeen, and the citizens all think in terms of } "I shouldabeen this." or "I shouldabeen that." Consequently, they're a } pretty frustrated people. They take out their anger on people (like } you) who can't punctuate or make their sentences flow, and they } *ESPECIALLY* hate it when people repeat the words "would be" in the } same sentence. They feel that it's a racial slur. So, they build } thought trains of immense proportions to "track" you down and say, over } and over again, "I couldahad a V8." In other words, death by run-on } helping verbs. } } You owe the Oracle the Chattanooga Choo-Choo.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty oracle tell me what I should do with what I find > in my nostrils when I pick my nose.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quick!  Time is of the essense! } First you must put the substance extaracted from your } nasal passages, and put it in an anti-matter coagulation } chamber.  This will solidify the matter, by subjecting } it to the energy created by the reaction of the matter/ } anti-matter.  Next, order a pizza with double cheese, } peperoni, italian sausage, and canadian bacon.  (I usually } get hungry around this part.)  Now, place the matter } in a petri dish, and subject it to a bath of protons } of light in the green spectrum.  You must now transfer } the matter to a piece of white paper.  Now, bathe the } paper, with the matter on it, in a saline solution. } Then, slowly raise the temperature to exactly 38.9 degrees } celcius.  Now, for the final step, remove the matter from } the paper, and wipe it on the bottom of the chair you } are sitting in. } } You owe the Oracle a bow of Kleenex.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise and strange oracle tell me where i can get a copy of > The Hitchikers Guide to The Galaxy that has been talked about in > douglas adama books of the same name.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The answer, oh humble supplicant, is perfectly simple. Take the next } passing spaceship to Ursa Minor Beta and attempt to convince the } publishing company there that you have enough money to own a copy of } their most famous work, given that it is only slightly cheaper than the } Encyclopedia Galactica. Alternatively you could try to become acting } Editor, or of course find their last real Editor who is currently } Missing, presumed Fed. I suggest you try looking at the Restaurant At } the End of the Universe- everyone else will/ has/ will have turn(ed) up } there at some time. My grammar is faulty but read Dr Streetmentioner's } book yourself; I have better things to do with my time. } } You owe the Oracle a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle: >     How much wood could a ... <THUMP> > > dear misster orakle please telll me: >     what do the numbers at the start of seasame street mean? > > thanks > > and how do you wake up big brothers hit over the head my plastic > nigna turtle dolls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The numbers at the start of seasame street are symbolic of the } keys to the doors of learning.  Use them well.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> am i more like i am now than when i first walked in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Dr. Oracle gets a whispered warning as he approaches the } "treatment room."] } } "Be careful, Dr. Oracle.  This one may be dangerous." } } "I'm not worried.  If you had seen some of the supplicants I have } prognosticated for, you'd know that this one is tame by comparison." } } [The door opens revealing a woman with short greasy dark blond hair. } She holds a spoon in her mouth with which she has been typing on an } old Smith-Corona manual typewriter.   Her hands are tied behind her } in a dirty canvas straight jacket and her flowered dress is wrinkled } and torn.  Her feet are bare.] } } [She runs to the corner where she sits on the cement floor with her } head between her knees as Dr. Oracle walks to the typewriter and pulls } the paper from it.  From the sheet he reads the single line that she } has typed:] } }       am i more like i am now than when i first walked in? } } [Dr. Oracle carefully examines the shift key on the typewriter, then } the shift lock key and finds both to be completely non-functional.  He } then walks slowly to the corner where the woman is still hiding.  He } finally speaks:] } } "Nice try, but you can't fool the Oracle.  I might have fallen for } your ruse if you had grovelled a bit first.  Any mortal knows better } than to question the Oracle without sufficient grovelling first.  But } the clear giveaway was [trumpets blare triumphantly in the background] } THE QUESTION MARK!  Since 1827, when Mr. Smith first laid out this } God-awful keyboard, before he even had met Mr. Corona, the question } mark has been a shifted character.  Now get out of here." } } [The woman stands, begins to shimmer, then, with an almost blinding } intensity of light emanating from where she stood, she disappears. } The light returns to normal and Dr. Oracle leaves, muttering:] } } "Walked in.  Ha.  Slipped in through a rift in the space-time } continuum is more like it.  I guess I showed her.  Ha." } } You owe the Oracle a blackboard with "YOU CAN'T FOOL THE ORACLE" } written on it 100 times.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a man walk down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no, not another 60's leftover. } } For god's sake, man, get a grasp on yourself.  Wash that hair.  Cut } it to no more than 1/2" long, with your name shaved in around the } back side of your head.  Ditch the tie-dyed cotton shirt; get } something made of plastic mesh with patches of irridescent day-glo } green and orange.  No more Birkenstocks (caught ya there - *real* } 60's types wouldn't have been caught dead in imported $90 sandals)! } Go buy a pair of whatever overpriced running shoes your favorite } multimillionaire basketball player is hyping nowadays. } } And stop listening to old Bob Dylan albums!  The Oracle only answers } questions from *today's* socially-aware and thought-provoking musical } masters. } } You know - RAP GROUPS. } } You owe the Oracle a horrific vision of the *next* phase in } youth-oriented popular music.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle.... > > Please offer your wisdom, and explain to me why television never > renews any high quality programming, and deluges the population with > idiot-level "entertainment." (with a few noted exceptions).  Is it an > alien plot to rot our minds or something else?  Inquiring minds want > to know.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh humble and most debased servant of the mighty oracle. } Your question indeed deserves a micro-second of my time: } }       The reason for this state of affairs is simple.  The } brain of your average network executive is located } somewhere between that of the common sea-slug and a slime mold on the } evolutionary scale.  Occasionally, an executive will emerge with } intellect roughly equal to that of the domesticated dog (hence } Hill Street Blues) or even that of a seven year old child } (hence Northern Exposure.)  But for each one of these, the conservation } principles of nature require that one emerge with the symmetrically low } intellect of a giardia bacterium (hence Sanford and Son) or a } piece of chalk (hence the CBS Nightly News.) } }       You owe the oracle a year's membership to the local } public television station.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most sage Oracle of Delphi, wise beyond all space and time, > of whom I am not worthy to gaze upon your splendid and fragrent feet, > nor to swim with the other gods in your backyard pool, tell me... > > I have just browsed through the "Usenet Oracularities Digest", > and yo and behold, I find mine own questions and your eternal > answers, tend to be much funnier than these "select" bits of humor. > So, am I blessed by a self-centered cloud of illusionary mirth, > or, like I've always suspected, its because I don't eat breakfast, > and thus, I'm not conforment with the computer-geek majority?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Insolent mortal, are you daring to question the wisdom of the Oracle's } Priests (who select the Usenet Oracularities)? My Priests are endowed } with the wisdom of myself, and never, NEVER make a mistake when } selecting the proper answers to appear in the Digest. If you DARE } to insinuate the slightest deviation from perfection in my Priests } again, I shall be forced to turn you into a tapeworm. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of Cheetos (I'm hungry)