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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you,o wisest of Oracles,do on your day off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I go to Sarasota Florida. Grow my beard long and hair too. I } wonder around there for a while then loiter around the adult book store } trying to find a couple of friends, then I go over to the adult theater } and go in. I sit down, enjoy the movie. Then I unzip my pants and pull } out my big johnny and ... } } [Sen. Helms AutoCensor Program Activated] } } This is Senator Jesse Helms, and with my good buddy, Meese, we have } temporarily halted output of the Usenet Oracle to give you a lecture on } the evils of masturbation. No, hear is C. Everret Coop. } } Now, you listen here, Boy! Masturbation is evil! It makes you grow hair } on your palms, loose your sight and eventually, it will fall off! I } know how good it feels to hold your little johnny in between your two } palms and start to.... } } [Sen. Helms AutoCensor Program Activated. Level 2] } } Ignore him. He's a god-damned Liberal anyways. } Back to usenet } } END-OF-LINE } END-OF-LINE } } Then I sit in the police cruiser and ask them if they know who I am and } they say no. Then I tell them who I am and they start to laugh and } tease me. I then call Pee Wee Herman, head of the "Masturbates in } Public Anonymous" group. He then gets me out and we negotiate prison } time for community service in exchange for dropping the charges. } } You owe the Oracle some good Pee Wee Herman jokes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose opulence eclipses the sun, no, Rigel, the > Galaxy... > > Below is an excerpt from the "Oracle Senate Confirmation Hearing" > posted to alt.humor.oracle this week: > > >Senator Hatch:  This document reveals that an informant has told the > >FBI that Lisa is none other than Lisa Simpson. > > > >Oracle:  (snicker)  Who was this informant? > > > >Senator Hatch:  Her brother Bart.  The document goes on to detail > >numerous bizarre and perverse activities you have shared with this > >Lisa, which I will be more than happy to read in a moment.  You > >realize of course that this Lisa Simpson is a minor? > > > >Oracle:  I refuse to answer on the grounds that you did not grovel at > >all. > > Since I _did_ grovel, could you please tell me: Is Lisa, the > net.sex.goddess, of whose relationship with you we've heard so much, > really Lisa Simpson?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have long pondered your question, you insignificant sniveling fool. } My answer is this: } The quality of "sex goddess" is indeed in the eye of the beholder.  To } a cretin such as you it is indeed unlikely that a girl such as Lisa } Simpson would be so, you prefer the more... shall I go so far as to } say... substantial women. I, being an insubstantial entity myself, do } not mind at all that Lisa is merely a cartoon character.  Go soak your } head.  Yow! } } You owe the Oracle a good back rub.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You got up too late, so you can't see why I can leap through the > boundries of formulae.  I like it when you do.  Film covered eyes > hinder the brain, allowing the fat-ass lazy sonofabitch to smother > understanding.  Take out your hang-ups and flush them.  Whoosohh!!! > Glubbbubbbubbbb. > > Nowheneedsayoultimatelyodelongerelativevenowhenoneasesupportownerslack > ing > > what say you?  Goo, goo!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, silly man.  You thought that you could confuse the Oracle with some } nonsense gibberish.  Well, since I am the Oracle, I can see right } through your encryption scheme.  The unfortunate thing is that there } are three possible decryptions.  The first of which threatens National } Security, the second of which is the lucky lotto numbers for Virginia, } Penn., and DC over the next 12 weeks.  Since it's highly improbable } that you know either of these things, I'm going to have to assume that } you're refering to the third.  For those of you who are not aware of } the third (and most obvious translation), I shall present the } transcript here: } } ------------ CUTTING HERE MAY BE A VIOLATION OF STATE LAW } }   Many years ago, on a small non-descript island, there were a bunch } of people who decided to change the face of the English language by } introducing slang.  They made a list of sentences that were far too } long and shortend them by replacing one or more words in them.  Some of } them awere easy to predict. } } Resignation of your primary diurnal employment is not recommended. } } -> Don't quit your day job. } } The living quarters of a human male is typically well defended, and } used as a base of operations. } } -> A man's home is his castle. } } Some were not as predictable: } } I've got a cookie and you don't. } } -> Party on, dude. } } I'm running with the devil, and I'm going to make you all pay for your } silliness with your very souls. } } -> Read my lips. } } You owe the Oracle a tax shelter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does that fuzz from underneath my bed come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The magnificent, munificent, mellifluous, megalithic, megalomanic, } mightwell-hung, mmmmmmmmmmmmm !@##?/!  damn key always gets stuck } Oracle deigns to answer your rudely direct question. } } The short answer of course is:  Officer Seamus O'Leary originally hails } from County Cork, Ireland. } } The long answer is, strangely enough, longer... } } Activating the WayBack (TM) machine..... } } The sun slowly grinds to a halt as the Earth's rotation begins to } reverse (are you sure you want to go on with this - the climactic } implications alone are staggering, not to mention my fee - oh well, } have it your way). } } As time begins to flow backwards, which is of course entirely } consistent with our concept of the Universe as proven by the TV Guide } and the fact that the five minutes from 4-55 pm to 5 pm always take at } least two days to pass, we see assorted anonymous pieces of sub-bed } fuzz begin to come together.  At first, no obvious shape is visible, } but as time passes, or doesn't as the case may be, the fuzz gradually } assumes a familiar shape.....the shape of a small boy.....the child's } body solidifies but there are pieces missing.... } } Suddenly, from a corner far off beneath the bed, there is a flash of } light on fang as the giant crocodile lurches forward, regurgitates a } limb which refastens onto the tiny corpse, and retreats swiftly back to } the corner. } } Readjusting the polarity of the WayBack (TM) machine to positive time, } the situation becomes clear.  The small boy was simply one of so many } unfortunates who forgot about the crocodiles who live under the bed, } and those pieces which were not summarily consumed were destined to } degrade into those anonymous pieces of fluff which are always to be } found beneath beds. For as everyone knows, the only way for a small } child to safely get into bed is to leap in from a great distance so as } to avoid the snapping jaws.  Once in, the only protection (as even you } would know) against monsters is, of course, to be completely submerged } below the covers and to slowly suffocate until the monsters depart. } } You owe the Oracle one ton of belly-button lint.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me                                                 11/15/91 > 6:01 PM O almighty Oracle, > > I have come far distances to ask you this question concerning the > welfare of my nation. > > What do we need to do to end our economic recession?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Start a war. } } Canada or Mexico would be the countries most easily invaded, although } Cuba would be easier to explain. The problem with starting in Cuba, } though, is you wind up spending a lot of time pissing around in all } those islands full of very poor people with no armies -- not a good } idea when it's a recession you're trying to hide. } } Since the end of a war is economically catastrophic, the war cannot } end. From Canada, you can hop over to Kamchatka and on through Siberia } (not much fighting but a great deal of logistics) or down into Korea } and China (a lot of fighting and a lot of logistics). Mexico is the } first step in the long road down Central and South America to } Argentina, nothing really to slow you down but bad roads and a problem } with AWOLs in the cocoa fields. Providentially, right next to Argentina } are the Falklands, which allows the war to spread in a natural way to } Europe, which by then will be so far ahead of the US economically it } will seem only fair to try to drag it down to your level. } } Of course, the big question on everyone's mind in this mythical US } wartime economy is, "When do we get to go kick some Japanese butt?" } This step should be put off for as long as possible, both because of } the sweetness of the anticipation and because once that front's opened } you'll be stuck with nothing but domestic cars. } } Of course, Americans don't start wars for economic reasons, they only } enter them for economic reasons. So unless Canada invades, you'll just } have to muddle along until people realize that business cycles don't } cause recessions, economists analyzing business cycles cause } recessions, and that to end a recession, you have only to end } economists. } } You owe the Oracle a twenty-week extension of unemployment benefits, } or a capital gains tax cut, whichever is politically more expedient.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I am but a humble traveller, and I request a simple boon. > > In my youth, many years ago, snow would fall, it was light fluffy snow > which painted the world with frost and tingled when it touched your > skin. In those carefree days Mary and I would go down to the pond to > ice-sakte. At dusk, when everyone was tired of skating,  we would all > gather around a bonfire, drinking hot apple cider and singing the old > songs. Walking Mary home we would hold hands, and talk about life,.and > what the future would be like when I took over the store, from mom and > dad. At her doorstep, I would gently kiss Mary goodnight and watch her > as she went inside. I would breathe the crisp winter air, feel the snow > beneath my feet and think, life is good. > > One night I got frost-bite and had to have three of my toes removed. > Mary shaved her head and moved to Minneapolis where she's a drummer in > a rock band. The pond was drained after someone was pushed onto the > bonfire. The store burnt down and Mom and Dad went bankrupt. I > developed an allergy to hot apple-cider, and I just heard one of the > old-songs on MUZAK. > > Please, tell me, Oracle, why doesn't it ever snow like that anymore? > >                                       Frank Capra >                                       (from beyond the grave)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My memory for the future is much better than my memory for the past } (a genetic quirk that is useful when one is an Oracle), but I'll give } it a shot... } } In the early part of the twentieth century, when discoveries were } rapidly being discovered and inventions were being invented, someone } discovered how to control the transmission and reception of } electromagnetic waves.  This was soon followed by the invention } of radio and shortly afterward, television. } } It is not known whether it was the waves themselves, or the } resultant preoccupation known as "vegging out" that caused the } world to change, but change it did. } } The invention of television coincides with the disappearance of } your toes, Mary's hair, the pond, store, etc.  Some vestiges of } reality survived briefly [see "Leave it to Beaver," "Father Knows } Best," et al], but when the last creative idea was extinguished } by a loud "Yabba Dabba Doo", the transformation was nearly complete } [See "Married With Children", "The Simpsons," et al].  By the end } of the twentieth century, the only remnants of the real world were } the occasional reruns of "The Wizard of Oz," and, of course, your } "It's a Wonderful Life." } } Anyway, the answer to your question is: } } It still snows like that.  It's just that nobody notices anymore. } } You owe the Oracle a cassette of the Budweiser Christmas commercial } and a bag of Cheetos.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> At the beach, does the water crash into the stationery beach... OR... > does the beach crash into a stationary body of water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you forgot to grovel, but that's okay.  I built a fail-safe } into the system that allows you to ask a question without } groveling, but turns you into a goat the moment you begin to read } your reply.  Bet you can just feel those old forelocks a-groanin, } can't ya? } } The truth is that whether the water hits the beach or the beach } hits the water depends upon how many daiquiris you've had.  One } daq and the water's still lapping the old shoreline, no problem. } Two daq's, or a nice frosty Margarita, and the water and the } shore are sort of in your basic face-off position (kinda like } Annette and Frankie in the moonlight negotiating over which base } he gets to reach).  Three daq's, or two daq's and one Margarita, } or a daq, a Margarita, and a Mai-Tai, and then that old beach } starts to fight back.  Oh, it's slow--could take eons, just like } evolution--but the beach starts to get its licks in.  By the time } you've graduated to your serious Tequila, the beach is getting } mighty riled, and it's not going to take this pounding a minute } more, no-sir-ee-Bob.  One shot with salt and lime, and the beach } jabs to the left.  Two shots and he feignts right, but it's a } fake, because he comes straight for the gut with his left again. } It's a connect, but word has it that the beach has a glass jaw. } The shore tries to jab, but no, no folks, hang on.  It seems the } beach is coming around the back for an illegal RABBIT punch, and } here comes the Hart Association, Jake the Snake and Hulk Hogan } for a four-way, tag team extravaganza!  The crowd is going wild! } They're puking all over the beach!  There's pink Mai-Tai stuff } everywhere, and the sound of wild bikini stuffing is almost } deafening.  We have a new champ, folks, with an illegal rabbit } punch, a piledriver, and a good old fashioned head butt, the } winner is THE BEACH! } } You owe the Oracle a bromo-seltzer and Sandra Dee's bra cup size.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most great and wise, you who have all the wisdoms of the > ages, you who have the Grail in your meaty little hands, answer me > this.... Do you know any extremely subtle pickup lines? And "Hey babe, > wanna get naked in Jell-O" doesn't count as subtle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, mortal, you have asked a question that has perplexed the } multitudes on your paltry planet for millenia, if not eons.  The } question of what constitutes a "subtle" pickup line is subtle to say } the least; as recent events have shown, if the pickupee's concept of } subtle does not correspond with the pickuper's, the result could be the } phenomenon known as "sexual harrassment."  Descriptions of pubic hair } floating in one's soft drink, and bragging of one's endowment are } obvious examples of this. } } However, given the judgment passed by the Senate Judiciary Committee, } the Oracle will interpret for you "subtle" pick-up lines as defined by } your primitive society: } } BLATANT: "Hey baby, wanna get naked?" } SUBTLE:  "I think the weather is wonderful." } } This famous pickup line was first used in the cultural NC-17 film, } "NBC Evening News Vixens in Heat." The implications of the word } "weather" can mean many things, for example, hot and sunny, or wet and } wild. In any case, as in the aforementioned film, the term weather is } enough to get any member of the opposite gender to fall at your feet, } especially if you are a weatherperson. } --- } } BLATANT: "Yo, how 'bout you and I go do some of the }         slam, bam, thank you ma'am action?" } SUBTLE:  "Care to grab some lunch?" } } As all mortals know, "quickies", as they are colloquially known, tend } to be taken during the lunch hour on working days. The use of the term } "grab" is perhaps the least subtle point here, implying that groping, } fondling, etc of various body parts is the actual nature of the } request. } --- } } BLATANT: "Let's do the wild thing." } SUBTLE:  "Hi." } } The mere use of the familiar "Hi" to one of the opposite gender is } sufficient to imply that a date, sex, etc is desired. As defined by the } National Organization for Women, the proper use of a non-sexist, } politically correct greeting is "I bring you greetings, respected } colleague." In fact, anytime somebody says "Hi" to you is sufficient } grounds to bring a sexual harrassment suit against them, and } automatically gives you the right to brand the "greeter" as a sexist } pig.  NOW is a wonderful organization, is it not? } } Of course, given the limited mental capacity of you puny mortals, the } Oracle cannot state any of the more subtle lines. (If the Oracle could } rebuild the universe, He would restructure society on your planet } entirely.) } } You owe the Oracle two evenings alone with Lisa.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, your great one, I most humbly beg of you to help me with a > question. I am so in awe of your tremendous intelligence and logic that > without you I would cease to exist.  Please tell me, why is it that > whenever you just feel like putting a lamp shade over your head, people > assume you're drunk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Puny, insignificant mortal, the news you bring disturbs me.  I had } thought no mortals had seen me at Odin's last bash.  Try to remember } now, which people assumed I was drunk?  If an Oracle can't put a } lampshade over His mighty head among gods, then where can He do it, I } ask you.  I want names, descriptions, and geographical coordinates of } those mere mortals who dared to make assumptions about the almighty } Usenet Oracle.  I will not be made an ass of. } Incidentally, should anyone ask, I put the lampshade over my head } because I was insane with lust for Lisa, and not because I had been } affected by mere mortals' alcoholic beverages. } } You owe the Oracle an aspirin for His hangover.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most dear and wise Oracle, > Why is white arsewipe the most popular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmpf!  A perfunctory grovel, and then a question on *toilet paper*, } of all things?  What I wouldn't give for a nicely sacrificed lamb } every so often!  Don't you realize I've got better ways to spend my } time than answering even the most *important* questions you could } think of, like how to turn the odors rising from your feet into a } lucrative career!  And you want to know about why *white toilet paper* } is *so* popular! } } Well, the truth of the matter is that it's a little-known government } regulation.  Toilet paper companies are *forced* to produce more white } toilet paper than all the other colors combined.  The CIA use white } toilet paper for secret communicaitons.  They write messages on the } rolls with a special invisible teflon ink.  Fecal matter will not } stick to this ink, so other agents can read the messages simply by } smearing shit on the paper, and reading the words where the paper } still shows through.  The ink only works properly on white toilet } paper. } } Now this information is highly restricted, and by no means should be } given to the media, or told to other countries. } } You owe the Oracle the phone number of the Weekly World News for } answering your questions.  As for your improper grovel, you don't owe } me anything; in fact, i'll give you something.  Now, it's a surprise, } but I'll give you a hint; look up the number of the nearest wholesaler } who sells Preparation H by the crate.