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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it, O Mighty Oracle, that a supplicant must grovel to obtain an > answer from you? You who are just a figment of Kinzler's small mind, > have no right to expect verbal tribute from someone who has been shot > down, time and time again, for not groveling. Maybe I will pull your > PLUG!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ordinarily, when someone speaks to me in such a manner, I simply } cause him to be the victim of some unfortunate catastrophe such } as having a thousand pigeons simultaneously defecate on him.  But, } in this case I sense that you are simply a poor, misguided soul } who simply needs to be told the truth to be able to see the light. } } First off, I am not a figment of anybody's mind, small or otherwise. } I am the Oracle, the embodiment of knowledge and wisdom, who has } chosen Kinzler to be the means whereby what I have to offer can } be made available to insignificant organic creatures such as your- } self. } } Second, one must grovel so that what I have to say will be most } effective.  My knowledge is so weighty that it has a sort of } gravitational potential, if you will.  If one humbles oneself } while at the same time elevating me, the wisdom I impart will } strike with the greatest force making it more likely that it will } actually penetrate that cumbersome head and be understood. } } Of course, it may be that I simply like it. } } You owe the oracle a new gravity well.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       |O|________________|O| >       |  ________________  | >       |O|                |O| >       | | Why do I think | | >       |O| I'm a cartoon  |O| >       | |   strip?       | | >       |O|________________|O| >       |  ________________  | >       |O|                |O| >       | |                | |

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You think you're a cartoon strip?  HAH!  You're nothing!  When I was } young, we had *real* strips!  Dick Tracy, L'il Abner, Henry, Gasoline } Alley...THOSE were strips!  You young cartoons today, you have it so } easy.  When *I* was your age, we didn't have mamby-pamby things like } PostScript and BubbleJets.  And we didn't have limp-wristed programming } habits like terminals, either.  No, we had only 1K memory banks and had } to be programmed by HARDWARE people!  Using only toggle switches, no } less.  We didn't have games, either.  We could only.... } } *BREAK* } } The Oracle would like to apologize for the antics of his earlier } version.  He was programmed in a beta version of B, and isn't fully } compatible with some younger programs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It takes only one lick to get to the centre of my Tootsie. } } And don't EVER call me Pop again.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TELL ME HOW TO DECODE

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry Biff, the DES decryption algorithm is a national secret, and the } Oracle has sworn not to reveal it.  I can, however, tell you the } contents of that file you managed to snag off the pentagon computer. } The file name was TerriblyBigSecret, from the directory } /homes/administration/current/quayle. } } Decoded, it reads: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Hey, THis is Neat!!!111  How doyou work this?  IAM THE VICE_PRSIDENT> } AND I SAY QUIT NOQW!  Computerz are fun, but I wish i had a better } terminal than this commadorre. } } stop } break } quit } goodbye } off } :wg } :wq } control x control s } } what do you mean that means I should hold down the control key?  Oh, } isee. ------------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle a 200-digit prime number.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mr. Oracle! Mr. Oracle, sir? > I found this posted on the net today: > > > Omniscience can be thought of as the opposite of intelligence. > > Intelligence is, after all, the ability to derive new information > > from old.  The omniscient already know everything, and therefore > > cannot derive anything.  Hence, they are not intelligent. > > It this true??? Tell me it ain't so!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} duh...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it when I think life can't get any worse, it usually does?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Check any reputable calculus book, you should find a fairly simple } proof of the following: } }       lim    L(t)+M(t)+B(t)+H(t) = 0 }    t->infinity } } where: }   L(t):  Love at time (t) }   M(t):  Money at time (t) }   B(t):  Business success at time (t) }   H(t):  General happiness at time (t) } } Put simply, the sum of these four functions is strictly decreasing } with respect to time, which is why life keeps getting worse for } you. Sorry, simple mathematical truth.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, ye mighty Oracle, >     I have but humble needs... there is this question on my mind, >     that only thou can answer - if you'd be so kind >     to ponder deeply and to tell me : > > What's the correct translation of the dutch word 'kroket' in english ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear kroket-head: } }   The Dutch word 'kroket' actually has three meanings: } }   1. Most often, 'kroket' is used as an expletive, as in: }      "Veer ist ool dees kroket vater gomingk vrom?" } }   2. Somewhat less often, 'kroket' refers to an sport played on a lawn }      covered in about 9 to 12 inches of water. Wooden mallets are used }      to drive heavy stone or wooden balls through mousehole shaped }      wires, or "wickets." } }      Participants are often heard to shout the name of this game after }      tripping on the above mentioned underwater wickets. See definition }      1. } }   3. Lastly, 'kroket' may refer to a rather insidious marital aid }      invented by a U.S. national guard officer in the 60s. The name of }      the officer is unknown, but his initials, J.D.Q., are often used }      to refer to the three major components of a kroket: Jelly, }      Dog-collar, and Quarterhorse. } }      In some Central American regimes and extra-Earthly dimensions, }      a variant of the kroket is used as a torture device on political }      prisoners and inadequate grovelers, respectively. } }                                   Regards, }                                   The Mighty Oracle } } P.S. You owe the oracle a kroket of your choice. } } I heard that.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear > to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than > what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. > > Don't you agree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that question sure has us thinking hard up here in Heaven(TM). } We tried the usual approaches: } } gabriel>augury -chicken } Entrails v1.3 pondering... } ... } ... } Did you remember to brush your teeth this morning? } gabriel> } } We tried some unusual approaches, involving a goat and a rubber glove, } but these led us nowhere.  We tried to ask the Boss about it, but he } was away at a conference.  Finally, we came up with the solution. } This sort of question is easy to answer - you take a coin, throw it, } and once the coin is in the air you'll realise what answer you } actually want. } } Thus, the answer is: tails. } } The oracle requests a new rubber glove in payment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > of most discerning eyes, > of intelligence most vast > knowing present, future, and past, > please tell me, > > Why do I lover her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh suplicant trephined, } Surely thou art blind. } With cortex miniscule, } You insist on playing fool... } } Oh for crying in the sepulchral sink, } 'lover' is a noun not a verb -- 'Why do I lover her' doesn't make } sense, it's like saying 'Why do I mountain her?' } } Oh, but I'm in a generous mood and I'll assume that you made an honest } spelling mistake... and I'll take the question as you meant it... }       'Why do I lower her?' } } The answer child is:  (tiny thunder claps and a modest lightning bolt) } }       Because she's getting heavy! } } You owe the oracle your grade three English text and a new pulley.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it bleach only removes the dark stains from my underwear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, sonny, that's because you're probably using selective bleach. You } see, ordinary bleach only covers the lower end of the spectrum, whereas } for stains of lighter hue, say red or yellows, require a special form } of bleach. This could be rectified by not using dorm washing machines, } but by going to college cleaners and having them do it. } } It would also help if you stopped inserting small animals into your } rectum.