Goto:

38, 38-01, 38-02, 38-03, 38-04, 38-05, 38-06, 38-07, 38-08, 38-09, 38-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oracle, you big jerk, > >   Why don't I get any creative answers from you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A long time ago, in the land of Glossary, there was an Oracle who gave } creative answers to all who came to it.  No matter how foolish or petty } the question, the answer was always creative.  Then, one day, a great } hero by the name of Dr.  Bluebird Mellon-Equestrian came to Glossary, } and looked around him.  There, he saw chaos and destruction.  Once, a } fisherman had asked the best way to catch fish; the oracle's reply had } included wearing of a pyramid-shaped fez made of quartz, and so now all } the fishermen wore such fezzes.  The oracle had decreed that four } temples to the goddess of Tofu be built, and (though Glossary was quite } poor), the temples were being built -- with difficulty, because in an } earlier proclamantion the Oracle had decreed that mortar be composed of } half bee's wings and half quail's tongues.  The oracle had decreed that } all who rode horses must also ride goats, and the traffic was in chaos. } Dr.  Bluebird Mellon-Equestrian was amazed, and wrote a book about it. } The oracle was embarrassed and commited suicide. } } Now we only give creative answers to creative questions. } } You owe the oracle a travelogue

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Well, oracle, see, there's this girl.  I've liked her for quite a long > time and just a couple months ago I told her I really loved her, like > I've never felt toward anyone else, and she acted sort of startled. > Then she acted for a while like she loved me also.  Pretty soon she > started acting strangely, and, just four weeks ago, she decided to > absolutely stop seeing me altogether. > >         I later learned that she collected hair samples for some sort of > strange experiment.  She took lots of my hair when I didn't even know > it.  You'd be surprised at some of the places she took hair from.  I > didn't think she had any computer knowledge but then I saw her posting > frequently on rec.witchcraft.masochistic.  That's how I found out about > the hair she stole from me.  I think she's building a voodoo doll.  I've > been getting strange pains in weird places lately.  My bowels have been > in moving in rather erratic, uncomfortable ways.  All my remaining hair > is falling out.  My doctor just told me I have AIDS.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your quandary.  You need strong juju to fight } back against your ex-lover's curses.  You must write to Papa Jim!  (BTW, } I am not making this up.) }   Papa Jim Company }   Box 14128 }   5630 S. Flores }   San Antonio, TX, 78214 } } They have a kit to help you.  I quote verbatim (modulo typing errors:) } } BLACK WITCH JINX REMOVING SPELL.         ORDER NUMBER RC 130 } Black is for doing evil or for jinx removing, or change of luck. } } In this spell, we are using it for jinx removing.  Place a piece of } aluminum foil about 12x12 on the table, write your name or the persons } name who needs the jinx removed on the Black Witch.  Then place the } witch on the foil, pour Morning Glory oil all over the candle, then } sprinkle the candle with the Mistletoe powser.  Burn four winds incense. } (while your are doing this ritual think of the jinxs going away) } } While you are lighting the candle and incense say the following, BLACK } WITCH AS YOU BURN SO WILL THE JINX AND EVIL THAT SOMEONE HAS PUT ON ME, } CARRY IT BACK TO THE PERSON THAT WAS SO EVIL, LET THE FOUR WINDS BE } SWIFT, AND CARRY YOUR SPIRIT BACK TO THEM, ALONG WITH THE EVIL. } } Every day put more oil and powder on the Black Witch candle. } } When the witch is burnt to the bottom throw it into running water. } } Every day take a bath with the PAPA JIM 21 HERBAL BATH. } } Keep repeating this spell until the jinx is removed. } } Wear special witch perfume, mix it with protection perfume. } } Items needed: Black Witch candle          Morning Glory oil }               Mistletoe powder            Four Winds incense }               Papa Jim 21 herbal bath }               protection perfume }               special witch perfume } } Order number RC 130 price $27.00

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Klordny Festival?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Klordney festival (spell it right, please) is the third-largest } festival on the planet Oombobobobo.  Large numbers of ion detoxifiers } come from hundreds of miles away to see who can recycle the largest } container of beverages.  The great high Bkidney, on the third day of the } festival, scatters ...  well ...  they look like sugar beets from here } ...  to the crowd. } } And then it has all the things that an Oombobobobo festival should have! } There are ferret [well, they look like ferrets] jugglers!  There are } wine burners!  There are frayed garment sellers!  There are people } *wearing* frayed garments!  There are badgers everywhere [well, they } look like badgers, except the godawful color schemes].  There are people } who will, for a small sum of money, immerse you in a bath of 4.2% } ammonia and 1% isopropryl alcohol!  There are people who will sell you } large puffy objects dripping with a syrup containing significant } quantities of arsenic!  There are people who, for a small sum of money, } plunge flaming blades into their arms as people stand around and laugh! } There are people who, for a small sum of money, will copulate with } replicas of famous Oombobobobo political figures carved out of ice! } } This is what it means to have fun, on Oombobobobo. } } You owe the Oracle either a round-trip ticket to Oombobobobo, or a large } puffy object dripping with a syrup containing significant quantities of } arsenic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it better to fall in love with Lisa, or drink a quart of gin on an > empty stomach?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha!!  Trick question!  You obviously thought I was going to assume that } you were referring to the Lisa that has appeared in ASCI as well as } ASCII.  But no!  You are in fact referring to Lisa Bonet, who plays } daugther to Bill Cosby. } } Ahem... } } Falling in love with Lisa, while immediatle satisfying, will get you } nowhere, as your love letters to her will get lost in all her other fan } mail, while her agent is screening all her calls.  Thus Lisa will be } unlikely to even know that you exist.  Compare this to the quart of gin, } which, while immediately satisfying and giving you a world-class buzz, } ends up making you extremely sick to your stomach.  This is assuming, of } course, that you have not had a Beeblebrox brand digestive system } installed.  At any rate, it comes down to a heartache versus a } stomachache.  Using the universal theorem of relative importance, it } comes down to whichever is the smaller organ in your body. } } Therefore, } } If you weigh less than 100 lbs., drink the gin Otherwise, fall in love } with Lisa. } } Side note:  There is a slim chance you actually meant the Lisa computer. } In that case, forget it, the Lisa is dead.  Drink the gin. } } You owe the Oracle a fake ID.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my girlfriend never let me %^$#@ her in the (*&^@!~`, or stick > my +=*(&%# between her ^&*%$ &*&^%$#@ after tying her up, or even simply > *&^%# my ^&*%$# with her lips?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because she can't figure out what the (*&%*&%^#$ you're talking about.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Generally all sadists ever do is keep pet hippopotamuses.  Why am I > having such a hard time finding one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which, a sadist or a hippopotamus?  I assume you want a sadist hippo, } who does not have another hippo for a pet.  You are a hippo looking for } another sadist hippo, am I correct?  My addvice is to place a personal } in the magazine _Sadist Hippo_.  This should get you a quick response, } as there are many Sadist Hippos out there looking for a masochist hippo } such as yourself.  Alternatively, try alt.sex.bondage.hippo. } } You owe the oracle one bogus newsgroup.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will become of our great oracle if no one asks questions > with any value? > > Are the questions so bad because the oracle is where and what it is? > > How long can this last?  And what are you going to do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If nobody asks questions of great value, then I will just have to reveal } cosmic truth in the answers to small-valued questions, won't I? } } The questions that have been recieved are, generally, pretty good. } There are exceptions:  the music terms have been consistently foolish.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have coated my body with noxious substances, but nobody seems to care. > What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your assumption is wrong grasshopper, everyone does care.  We've been } trying to get through to you for such a long time now.  It pleases me to } find that you have finally admitted your addiction to the sensation of } spreading Elmer's glue all over your body, then letting it dry, and then } peeling it off in one giant flake.  My advice to you is to remember to } shave your body before doing so, it is a real bitch getting it off your } hair. } } For your question you owe the Usenet Oracle an Epilady and two toe } hairs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will it take for Notre Dame to lose a football game?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mice.  millions of them.  swarming all over the field.  Climbing into } the players' clothing.  Eating the players' genital organs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, are there accidents at Keebler factories?  Ya know, an elf > falls into the machinery or gets a hand caught in the chocolate chipper. > It is just that I came across something chewy in a cookie...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh, very often the elf accidents in the keebler of factories.  very } large the vats, oils and the butter are for to coat the catwalkers with, } dim the lights, quick run the elves, very the danger, so much always the } danger.  so many the elves are for to be paid in rum, so often drunk the } elves, so often the tattles of the elf hats fall for the elf face.  so } you see the very much the danger!  very many the elfs die, very often } the elves are for to fall the vats.  so many the cookies with the elf } bone, the elf gizzard. } } very good thing for to be that the elf is of sugar and candy made.