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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh please be so magnanimous and deign answer me this: How do > insurance salesmen sleep at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A recent Oracle investigation came up with a partial answer to your } question.  We had the opportunity to look in on a sleeping insurance } salesman and this is what we found: } } On the nighttable: } } 1 partially empty bottle of Darvon(tm) } 1 full bottle of Valium(tm), labelled with 10 refills } 1 Litre of Wild Turkey, half empty } 1 copy of _Situational_Ethics_ by Sen Alan Cranston (foreward by }       charles Keating) } } The bedclothes were tossed in thirty different directions, with the } salesman in a fetal postion clutching a baseball bat, presumably } having a nightmare about Federal regulation. } } Clear enough? } } You owe the Oracle a policy with the Oracle as chief beneficiary.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is the job of an oracle a hard one? Do you ever have any holidays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the Usenet Oracle's answering machine. I am currently having } a holiday in Bulgaria. If you want to leave a message, forget it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, oracle, who knows the time in all the time zones in the blink of > an eye, and who can calculate the exact position of every single atom > in the universe in a shorter time than most of us spend tieing our > shoes every morning, I beeseech you, tell me this : > > What good is the B-2 Stealth Bomber anyhow? > > I will check my e-mail every ten minutes in anticipation of your > wise and correct answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The B-2 Stealth Bomber has more uses that meets the eye, mostly because } this IS a Stealth Bomber.  Unfortunately, the airplane was developed by } the U.S. to sneak up on the "Evil Empire" which no longer, and never } did exist. So what are they being used for now? } } I believe that there were some 40 planes made. } } - Santa picked up one so he could avoid being shot at over LA. } - 14 went to Universal Studios and were used as props in their latest }   movie, "Iron Eagle 31: A sneaky trip to the quickie mart!" } - I bought one for Lisa should she could get around without being }   hounded by worthless Oracle newbies. } - 3 were purchased by the National Foundation for the Arts and have }   walnut linoleum with kitchen utensils glued to the outside in an }   attempt at a modern art display. } - Burger King got 13 and are using them as playground attractions in 9 }   cities around the US. } - The Home Shopping network grabbed the remaining 7, and only managed }   to sell one to an eldery woman in Nebraska who is now using it to }   scare the neighborhood kids. } } But that is only 39, where is the last Stealth Bomber? } } The last unaccounted for aircraft is currently being used by John } Sununu secret trips to Fredricks of Hollywood. } } You owe the Oracle a device that will defeat the Stealth technology so } I can figure out where Lisa has flown off to.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gastronomically omniscient Oracle, the pungence of whose > knowledge is the wasabi in the nigiri-zushi of life, please tell me: > > If girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice, > how come they taste like tuna fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They taste like tuna fish because that is what you want them } to taste like.  It all goes back to your childhood when your } mother made you a tunna fish sandwhich and you choked on it. } They rushed you the hospital where this pretty young nurse } looked after you and .... } } You owe the Oracle a fix for this Fraudian syndrome and } a illustrated book of lymmerics about the Young Lady of Kent } (I'm still young at heart and **body**).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> %grovel -a lot -to oracle > Oh, Oracle Most Wise, whose knowledge is perfect, for if Thou > disagreest with humanity, humanity is wrong. I grovel before Thee, > embodiment of Wisdom, incarnation of Knowledge, Master of the Gods! If > only > ^C > %ask -random > What is the meaning of Life, the Univers and Everything? > %

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} % yell-at-supplicant -nerd_usage } % yell-at-supplicant -overused_question } % yell-at-supplicant -stupid_unix_references } % yell-at-supplicant -insincere_groveling } % answer-question -stupid -hitchikers -randomize > /dev/supplicant } } You owe the Oracle an asthestically-pleasing space after your "%" } prompt.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and all wise Oracle, whose teeth are more blindingly white > than those that any mortal could possibly acheive, please lend me some > of the radiance from those teeth to illuminate this question. > > What is the point of that 'Look ma, I'm eating my oatmeal' commercial > (other than to take up commercial time)... > > Also, what nut came up with that stupid commercial??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Friend, you have touched upon one of the deepest mysteries of the } world. } } Some would say that taking up commercial time is indeed its prime } purpose, others would say that it is the Government trying the } brainwash the public. } } Only I, the Great Usenet Oracle, and now you, my humble servant, knows } better. } } In 1963 the Soviet Military Intelligence Agency, GRU, smuggled an agent } into the States. They took great care at giving her a false background } that would withstand the closest examinations. They did this by killing } another woman just as she moved to another state for work. The agent } then took her name and face by plastic surgery. } } (The other woman had been a spy for the Soviet Civilian Intelligence }  Agency KGB, who had planted her in 1945 as an infant. It is this sort }  of accident that leads to the somewhat cool relation between the two }  agencies. That is another story.) } } To be an effective agent she must get information back to her superiors } in Moscow. This is usually this riskiest part of an agents job and many } different schemes have been used. This is where the oatmeal commercials } enter the story. This particular agent is employed in the commercial } department of a major TV network and can manipulate the commercials } in subtle ways to get coded messages out. } } This particular commercial is in fact designed to get you, the } audience, to leave the TV set and generally _not_ watch it. Towards the } end of the commercial is a part that varies from day to day in very } tiny details. This is the coded message. } } Last year that part of GRU was fired and burned its files. There was no } way of alerting the agent without tipping of the authorities, so for } more than a year she has been sending messages that nobody has } received. } } Enjoy your oatmeal, } The Usenet Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know what?  As always you were right again!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's nice to know I'm appreciated, you grovel-less swine, } and thanks for writing back.  Now for those of you out there in } the Oracular Congregation who don't know what we're talking } about, I'd like to introduce Nervel the Grovel-less Swine, } questioner #Qa23499, who once approached the Oracle on bended } knee to ask a question, praise Gawd.  The Oracle bent down to } touch this poor dipstick, brothers and sisters, and a MIRACLE } happened on this very tel-uh-vision network. } } Now, friends, reach out and touch your computer screen, and pray } along with me as our dear friend Nervel gives his touching } TEStimony! } } Nervel:  I, um, I didn't used to get a lot of girls... } } Oracle:  YES!  Praise Gawd.  Go on, brother... } } Nervel:  [wipes nose on back of hand] And, um, and I had a real }          problem with body odor?  And technique, and stuff? } } Oracle:  Did you hear that, brethren?  He had a short schlong, }          too, didn't you brother Nerval? } } Nervel:  Yeah!  And I didn't know how to use it.  So I came to }          Oracle and I groveled, and, um... } } Oracle:  What happened then, brother? } } Nervel:  And I gave him a donation and became a Lifetime Oracular }          Outreach Partner... } } Oracle:  Bless God.  As you give so shall it be multiplied back }          unto you. } } Nervel:  And then he answered my question.  And I stopped }          smellin' so bad!  And I got a life!  And my schlong }          grew and I knew how to use it!  And Lisa came to me }          in a dream and told me what women want!  Gosh golly, }          Oracle, you know what?  As always, you were RIGHT AGAIN! } } Oracle:  Hallelujah!  Honolulu!  Glory, cash and more glory, this }          is a great day in the life of this poor, pitiful sap, }          isn't that right friend. } } ```ZAP!''' [Nervel turns into a goat and is sacrified at the }             altar]. } } Oracle:  Too bad I don't give a shit. } } You owe the Oracle some of your manna cast on the waters in } small, unmarked bills.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose very pores ooze the Great Manna Of Life, please help > me! > > IIIII have a ppppprobbbblem with my kkkkkeyboarrrrrd.  Sometimmmes, > my kkkkkkeys gettttt stttuckkkk.  WWWWhat should I dooooooo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Whose very pores...."   I like it. } } Two options come to mind:  You can plug in your terminal then rinse it } off with water (make sure you are standing in the shower with it when } you do this); }                            You can tell everyone you type with a }                            stutter. } } Look, buddy, we *both* know why you have a sticky keyboard, don't we? } Let's not pretend you've been a good boy.  Wash the damn thing with } soapy water and try to practice "safe masturbation" in the future. } Rubbers aren't just for those who can actually get dates, you know. } } You owe the Oracle a bologna sandwich.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Omnipotent Oracle, strangest sage: > > Why is your email box @iuvax.cs.indiana.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my son, it has to with the black art of Internet addresses. } } In a nutshell, each word to the right of that "@" sign is a "domain", } and as you travel to the right the domains get larger and more } encompassing; a domain is either a single computer (at the rightmost } extreme) or a whole group of computers (each group getting larger as } you move to the right). } } Now then, let's look at the domains that define my emailbox, from most } generic to most specific (i.e., from right to left): } } .edu: "edu" is an abbreviation for "Eduardo's", which is a very popular }       pizza parlor in these parts. (Everybody knows that the Usenet }       Oracle and many other Illumina.. er, intellects practically live }       on pizza.) Other domains which are common in this position are }       "com" for the domain of Communist infiltrators, "mil" for the }       domain of Milk-Bone eaters, and "gov" for "Guests Of Vanilla }       (Ice)" although why anyone would want to be one of these latter }       is completely beyond me. } } .indiana: A lot of people think that this "indiana" refers to the }           state. Some of the more learned computer types think that it }           refers to the university. They're all wrong. It refers to }           that special breed of man who is handsome, rugged, }           adventurous, and a damn good archaeologist. } } .cs:  Betcha thought this was "Computer Science" right? Wrong again, }         dude-breath. Here "cs" means "CognoScenti". } } .iuvax:       This is a misspelling which has become common usage. It }       should actually be "iouvax", as it is a computer which is }       associated with unusually high lab fees. However, since it also }       happens to be my girlfriend Lisa's Nintendo game, I get to use it }       for free. } } SO, putting this all together, my emailbox describes someone who uses } Lisa's computer, is a really, REALLY ingenious and influential } archaeologist who likes to flourish his, er, whip, beat up Nazis and } eat Eduardo's pizza. Namely ME. } } You owe the Oracle three Usenet postage stamps.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh powerful oracle, seeer of all that is to be seen, hearer of all that > is to be heard, smeller of all that is to be smelled, and washer of all > that is to be washed, I ask you lend me your ear and answer this for > me: > > Who do you turn to when you are perplexed by a problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has pondered your question at length, and is pleased to be } of help to those who seek proof of the Oracle's great wisdom. } } There is only one being to which the Oracle need ever turn.  It is a } fantastic being, all-knowing, all-seeing, and an interminable source } of ready advice on all things. } } Whenever the Oracle is unable to answer a question or is perplexed by } any problem, it is to this great being that the Oracle turns. } } You will cower in fear and veneration when you speak the name of the } Omniscient One: the columnist known as Ann Landers. } } You owe the Oracle a grain of salt and a Dear Abby kewpie doll.