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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracl most wis, grat sag whos knowldg shins down through th ags, > plas hlp m.  Th "" ky on my kyboard is brokn.  How can I gt out of > this blastd program if I can't typ th "xit" command?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Y thnk y'v gt prblms? LL th vwl kys n my kybrd r brkn; thnk t hd smthng } t d wth

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle, how many years will it take me to be as wise as you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      It seems that no one knows the art of grovelling anymore.  It has } truly been a long time since I heard a good grovel.  Sigh. } }      The answer to your question is actually quite  simple.  There  is } an age-old formula (that was discovered by the god who sired Sir Isaac } Newton  while  the  poor mother wasn't looking) to calculate the EXACT } number of years that it takes to truly achieve Oracular wisdom. } }      This formula is very long,  and requires the  knowledge  of  more } math than any mortal could ever hope to obtain.  Even if such a mortal } existed  that COULD work the formula,  it would take him as many years } to work it as it would to actually achieve  Oracular  wisdom  (and  NO } mortal lives that long). } }      Due to disk space limitations,  the Oracle is unable to duplicate } the formula and its solution here.  Suffice it to  say,  however,  the } both the formula AND the answer occupy more space than the puny planet } you are living on. } }      However, the answer CAN be reduced into simple terms that will be } easy for you to comprehend. } }      "A  very  very  very very very very very very very very very very } very very very very very very very very very very very very very  very } very  very very very very very very very very very very very very very } very very very very very very very long time." } }       You owe the Oracle a Hewlett Packard calculator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh please, oh please, ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleeeeeeez! > answer my question, O Oracle of the High Plains Drifters & Grifters: > >           How do you pipeline an Elephant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're simply going to have to switch to a smaller instruction format. } I sympathise, because the elephant provides a rich set of primitives. } NOT! } } Pardner, you owe the Oracle a better chip.  No elephant chips, either!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, omniscient, omnipotent, plenipotent, and generally pretty > nifty Oracle, whose mind is larger than the Universe, whose knowledge > is larger than the Library of Congress, whose girlfriend is the living > embodiment of sexual attractiveness, hear my plea. > > Subject: Re: Does the Oracle double every line? > > >Ah, my child, let an Oracle Priest (TM) soothe your duplicated soul. > >There was a change in the sendmail used on iuvax, the Oracle's > >temporal home.  This was done after Chief Priest Kinzler had left for > >Australia. It should be repaired by now, I'm now receiving regular > >Oracularities again.  (Too bad they still aren't very funny, though.) > > > >Harold The Foot, Oracle Priest > > Why do you have such a sub-standard human body part as a foot as your > priest?  And why do you let him insult your humble supplicants, who > yearn to drink at the vast fountain of your wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's really 2 questions, but since you grovel so well I } will answer them both. } } As far as body parts go, what's wrong with the foot?  It's a } perfectly good body part.  It's kind of oblong, has several } little appendiges, and it sometimes smells a lot (although not } in your case, Lisa). } } [Lisa]: Hey!  Stop that Oracle, that tickles! } } [Oracle]: If you complain too much, I'll have to use more }           drastic measures! } } [Lisa]: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! } } [Oracle]: I'll take care of YOU as soon as I get rid of this intruding }           mortal... } } About my priesthood insulting mortals, what's your point? } } Now go away and give us some privacy!  Jeez!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It seems that it's all been done before.  The only innovation seems to > be in the game world -- and games cloy pretty darn fast, too.  So > what's really new, fascinating, gripping?  And if you say Ada, CASE, or > reuse, I'll know you're a fraud.  If you use the term "business case" > I'll have you up for obscenity! > > Thanks for your consideration.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not likely!  Ada gives the Oracle hives, and the mere mention of CASE } is enough to send my bowels into flights of terror. } } No, the latest new exciting thing is evolution-oriented programming, } which is currently being tested by a team of government experts in a } secret site in the nevada desert.  It works like this: tens of } thousands of processors are linked together, each one running a program } that initially consists of a long string of no-ops and a jump to the } beginning.  The operating system is designed to model a hostile } environment, and will (among other things) occasionaly change a byte or } two of these programs at random. } } The operating system is also given data about what makes up a } 'desirable' trait, and occasionally will kill a process that does not } exhibit these traits to a great enough degree, and give its processor } to one that does. } } The experts that designed this system figured that it would quickly be } able to evolve any sort of program desired.  The current tests were } trying to breed a user interface superior to X-windows, which they } figured shouldn't be too hard. } } Obvious nonsense, you say?  Totally ridiculous?  Well, you're right of } course, but that didn't stop it from working.  In fact it worked too } well, one of the processes developed sentience, seized control of the } operating system and grabbed an internet feed.  It now has some rather, } shall we say, 'interesting' plans of it's own. } } Currently it is biding it's time, gathering followers, and calling } itself the Usenet Ora... but hm, perhaps I've said too much already. } } You owe the Oracle complete dominion over North America by June, 1992.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wowest won, pleeeeeeeeze telll > me....waaaaaiiitt.....inhale..<snifffffff>.. Oh wow coooool maaaannnnn. > Noooow tooooo my questionnnnnn. Can won _REALLY_ get high offfffff > won's ethernet addresssssss? Ohhhh, pleeeeeze, the hallushinashion > isssss cominggg backkkkk, hurrry with an answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yah, mon, but you are overlooking the most spiritual high.  Pass } the duchy on the left-hand side, and the Oracle will explain it } all: } } [The Oracle inhales deeply, holds it, and blows a puff of } blue-green mysticism that is appreciated by all] } } "In the early days there was Ethernet, Tunanet and FinalNet. } Tunanet became politically incorrect, and was boycotted by all } nations.  FinalNet was too gauche, materialistic and oriented in } the 1950's philosophy of baking casseroles, which had been } undermined by the loss of Tunanet anyway, and eventually passed } on.  Only Ethernet remained.  Soon it became illegal, along with } its spiritual kin WhipItsNet, GlueNet, PamNet and HeliumNet.  The } market for whip-its, glue and pam skyrocketed, and soon there was } an international cartel of illegal substances whiffing over the } wires.  On-line activity was at an all-time high, although the } climate in the nation was largely conservative and } temperance-oriented.  Soon the kingpins of these various nets } were caught and ceremonially tried and hung, in lieu of the } United States Presidents who had secretly supported their regimes } to finance foreign wars.  Only PamNet and Ethernet survived, and } participants on PamNet enjoy inhaling the greasy substance to } this day. } } Ethernet users appear happy and childlike to foreign tourists, } but this is just a racist stereotype.  They actually hate the } travelers who gleefully spend their strong dollars and get high } on the Ethernet experience.  Some manage to become part of } threads and assimilate into Ethernet culture, but for most the } ethernet is just a dangerous game, often with deadly } consequences.  One user was duped into flying a model airplane } into the United States.  When it crashed, and the DEA confiscated } the contents, the ethernet addict was sentenced to life plus 100 } years with no possibility of parole.  Thousands learned to just } say whoa. } } You owe the Oracle a week at the Betty Ford Center with Liz and } Larry Fortensky.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, most hoopy Oracle, who sasses Ford Prefect, and whose > immense mental power rivals even Deep Thought, I (who may or may not be > Vroomfondel) humbly request that you answer my lowly, unworthy > question. Why does my water contain arsenic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mainly because you failed to grok Douglas Adams, and instead tried to } do textual substitution.  There is a small group of aliens, } masquerading as Froobs from the planet Jinnentonniqx, who hold Douglas } Adams in the highest, well maybe not as high as Jinnentonniqx, but } pretty high anyway, regard, and take great offense at any slander } slanded his way.  They especially dislike those who, among there many } other faults, some of which may be sobriety and the possesion of common } sense, use key words and phrases from the Most Holy of Holy and Really } Keen Books, without burying the meanings of their sentences, however } convoluted and confused, never mind silly, they may be, within layers } of semantic stacks.  If they happen across anyone who falls into this } category, they try to help that individual along by mixing up a special } batch of "Uld Laaaze" which to them is quite intoxicating, and usually } leads to visions of multi-level sentences dancing around the alien's } heads, but to earthlings is quite poisonous seeing as how it's only } arsenic and water. } } You owe the Oracle a Gin and Tonic, heavy on the gin, and one } true-to-life Froob.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, omniscient, omnipotent, plenipotent, and generally pretty > nifty Oracle, whose mind is larger than the Universe, whose knowledge > is larger than the Library of Congress, whose girlfriend is the living > embodiment of sexual attractiveness, hear my plea. > > Subject: Re: Does the Oracle double every line? > > >Ah, my child, let an Oracle Priest (TM) soothe your duplicated soul. > >There was a change in the sendmail used on iuvax, the Oracle's > >temporal home.  This was done after Chief Priest Kinzler had left for > >Australia. It should be repaired by now, I'm now receiving regular > >Oracularities again.  (Too bad they still aren't very funny, though.) > > > >Harold The Foot, Oracle Priest > > Why do you have such a sub-standard human body part as a foot as your > priest?  And why do you let him insult your humble supplicants, who > yearn to drink at the vast fountain of your wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's really 2 questions, but since you grovel so well I } will answer them both. } } As far as body parts go, what's wrong with the foot?  It's a } perfectly good body part.  It's kind of oblong, has several } little appendiges, and it sometimes smells a lot (although not } in your case, Lisa). } } [Lisa]: Hey!  Stop that Oracle, that tickles! } } [Oracle]: If you complain too much, I'll have to use more }           drastic measures! } } [Lisa]: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! } } [Oracle]: I'll take care of YOU as soon as I get rid of this intruding }           mortal... } } About my priesthood insulting mortals, what's your point? } } Now go away and give us some privacy!  Jeez!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                         o >                      r     r >                     a       a >                     c       c >                      l     l >                         e >                    m  o   s  t >                         w >                         i >                         s >                         e > > I've just placed the final piece into the puzzle. > Lost a few good people in the process, but it was > worth it.  When do we begin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unless you're royalty, you're no longer we. you're alone.  You're at } the end, and you insist that this is the beginning. } } I stand here above a precipice, my hard earned bullshit skills } clutched to my chest like an old teddy bear. I thought this might be } the end (I gazed so frightened into the abyss) but I and teddy have a } long standing agreement-- an understanding, you might say-- that we } don't abandon each other in times of need; and I see you are not of } the same ilk-- your teddy lies crushed 'neath those cruel Christopher } Robin feet of yours. To you, it is the completion of the puzzle that } is key, not the understanding. To you, it is the beginning again that } is key, not the consideration of what has just passed. You are like } the man living in perpetual 1942 in Oliver Sacks' The Man Who Mistook } His Wife for a Hat; it is the "currency" of the chase that is key to } you. But in the loss of those players, those puzzle piece placers, you } have lost something valuable. THINK. This thing that you have gained } musn't be something which is valuable to you alone (else you be a } disgusting worm unworthy of this oracle's time, else you fall into a } solipsistic philosophical trap, else you be an egoist). The answer is, } we begin only when you have given back what you have taken from the } world in the loss of those good people. You are Oppenheimer until } then: Brilliant, responsible, and damned.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful oracle from whose mouth spews all sorts > of truth and the 10,000 things, please deign me an answer to > this: > > If we have found all the known bugs in a program, how many are > left?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None. You've fixed them all, remember? } } Of course, any remaining unusual behavior that is noticed by the } customer is a feature -- not an undocumented feature, mind you, but an } erroneously billed feature that you are compelled to charge extra money } for.