Goto:

384, 384-01, 384-02, 384-03, 384-04, 384-05, 384-06, 384-07, 384-08, 384-09, 384-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Please send me this article : G. L. Steele, ``Lambda : the ultimate > goto''. > > Thank you,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Article Club Member, } } I'd like to bring an exciting home-study program to your attention. } } It's Hacker's Digest School, and it has helped thousand of hackers } break into systems.  Their method makes a lot of sense to somebody. } You learn the craft of hacking directly from a seasoned } professional...a pro who has enough knowledge and experience in the } field to have earned several years of vacation at a Federal 'resort.' } } When you enroll, you'll choose between the Mainframe and Network } courses. You'll learn the techniques the pros use in their hacking. } And you'll learn by doing.  Each section of the course contains } assignments, which your instructor will review and return with detailed } comments and suggestions for passwords. } } Enroll today and you'll save 10% off the regular tuition.  Just } complete the enclosed form and send a check or the pass sequence of a } major financial institution's computer to:  Hacker's Digest School, } 150D(Hex) Bitnerd Road, Clustersnot, Minnebraska 10110-1001 } } Act today! } } Sincerely, } } Snert Farkle } Club Director

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that men think that it is cool and sexy to abstain from > showering for long periods of time?  Is there anyway to politely > encourage an entire campus to shower?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it is a very cool and sexy thing!  It's wonderful!  It's magic! } And it works!  The very scent of an unshowered man has brought many to } new heights of passion and ecstasy; some orgasms have registered on the } Richter scale. } } Many cows, that is.  Human women don't seem to like the odor, but cows } just go nuts over it.  Hence the phrase, "Cowboys make better lovers." } Ask any cow, she'll tell you about it. } } There is no polite way to encourage an entire campus to do anything at } all. In fact, it is not considered Politically Correct to suggest that } someone bathe, read, stop fondling himself, get off your foot, or even } breathe. You might offend one of the Teeming Billions of this planet if } you imply that someone is a loser regardless of race, color, creed, or } planet of origin. } } You owe the Oracle a bar of Dove.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh oracle the wonderful, great and all knowing entity. > to whom only you could answer this simple but most complexing question. > >  Black represents EVIL, yet the most GOOD people on the insignificant > planet (the priests and nuns) ware Black? the symbol of EVIL??? > >  Please enlighten me...... > > I humbly Thank you for wasiting you most pressious time on me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are confused.  Black does not represent evil.  Black represents } anxiety.  Sen. Jesse Helms represents evil.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise; > Oracle, most sexy; > Oracle, most anything; > > Grant me a gem of thy wisdom, insufferable Oracle, who's greatness is > beyond mere mortal understanding (or, even, mortal undersitting); who's > sense of humour is so unimpeachable that you didn't find that pun (in > brackets) funny: > > How can I find myself? (My spiritual self, that is. I can find my > physical self as easily as I can find a mirror).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you can't find your physical self without a mirror, you are in } deeper doody than you believe, mein amigo! } } Your spiritual self is separate from your physical self; it is also the } opposite of your physical self.  Whereas your physical self requires } food, feels pain, grows hair, and watches television, your spiritual } self doesn't eat, doesn't hurt, and is bald as a cue ball.  (It watches } television, but it tuned to PBS and ripped off the knob.) } } In fact, while your physical self is a party animal, yelling, } screaming, drinking, fornicating, farting, and playing cute pranks, } your spiritual self is quiet, proper, controlled, and thinks canasta is } a wild game. } } That's right:  your spiritual self is a Republican.  I suggest you call } Lonesome George for details. } } You owe the Oracle five minutes alone with your physical self.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is humor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humor is that which leads to unexpected cognitive resonance. } } You owe the Oracle an honest Republican.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise oracle, whose wisdom transcends the known universe, > please deign to give me a moment of your time to answer my humble > question: > > Is everything all right?  Is the priesthood rebelling?  What is going > on? #383 of the Oracularities was posted twice, and both times 383-04 > and 383-08 were exactly the same!  Is the world coming to an end?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is indeed a good question. However, I am disturbed by your lack of } faith. } } There is a mystic meaning to everything. A car can be interpreted } according to the Tarot, bank staements finally mean something when } related to numerology, computer screens can be used as crystal balls } for scrying... } } Repititions are magical keys. Repititions are magical keys. They } indicate something of profound importance. By repeating 383-04 in } 383-08, we were asking you to interpret my answer beyond the initial } meaning of the text. LOOK AT THE NUMBERS -do they not speak to you? } Some of you didn't get it, so we sent #383 again. Fools. A few } englightened souls wrote to me and thanked me for my wisdom, groveling } before my omniscient self. You, on the other hand, chose not to see and } deserve to be struck with a large sausage. Twice. } } You owe the Oracle a pilgrimage. } } [Editor's note:  Mail troubles at iuvax caused the repetition of the } posting, however if you'll read 383-04 and 383-08 you'll that it's quite } funny in context...  since the question is about repeating lines in an } Oracularity.  I wish I did it on purpose... --JRP ]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh cute and fuzzy Oracle, whose TONGUE I am unworthy to SEE, tell me: > > Are you flammable?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I wasn't the all knowing, grand and wise Oracle, I would think they } you were up to something.  Questions like that could make a Oracle very } suspicious.  Since you asked this question I will have to put my } Omniscient skills to a test.  It is very likely that you and some of } your rowdy cohorts are planning are revolt against me, the most } powerful all knowing being in the universe (except for the big guy of } course). } } <screen wavers> } } Oracle:  (to his secretary) Listen, I want that guys email address, }          home phone, work phone, fax number, modem number, terminal }          type, girlfriends name, girlfriends number, girlfriends fax }          number, wife's name, wife's number, wife's fax number, dog's }          name, dog's number, dog's fax number, and any other info you }          can dig up for me. } } Secretary:  Yes sir! } } Oracle:  (picks up phone)  I would like to speak to OBI, Oracle Bureau }          of Investigations.  Thanks...(brief pause)...Yes, I would like }          to inform you of another possible revolt against myself, the }          all knowing Oracle.  I know its the third one today, but this }          guy sounds really serious. Right, He wanted to know If I was }          flammable.  Yes this is serious.  Your best men?  Thanks.  I }          appreciate this.  I want you to apprehend him and bring him to }          me.  Be sure to take away all forms of fire starting devices. }          Use the appropriate force.  (Oracle hangs up phone... and }          displays a worried look) } } Oracle:  (picks up phone again)  OFD please.  Yes, is this the Oracle }          Fire Department.  Good...this is the Oracle.  I want your }          newest and most efficient trucks and men on stand by.  Thanks. } } Oracle:  Lisa....come here sweetie pie! } } Lisa:    Yes...orie...my studmuffin?  Do you want another one...are you }          not still tired after last night? } } Oracle:  No...I don't want to do that right now...maybe later... There }          is another revolt in the planning.  I wanted to inform you.  I }          thought you might want to know. } } Lisa:    Then we had better do something before it happens.  I'll go }          get our toys. } } Oracle:  Sounds good.  (Lisa leaves)  (oracle smiles)  Lisa does know }          how to handle a crisis. } } (screen wavers) } } I am all knowing, all seeing, and I know the plans that you have to } assassinate me.  I will be ready when you try and I will punish those } that revolt against me. } } But to answer your question:  No.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, Wonder of the ages, Sagest of all spices, You whose > brilliant wisdom outshines novae, Adored by all Lisa-wanna-be's, hear > my plea.  Why do quick marts which are open 24 hours a day, 366 days > a year have locks on their doors?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's required by the Nuclear (Nukeyoular, for you Midwesterners) } Regulatory Commision. } } You see, there have been microwave burrito accidents.  Yes, the rumors } are true.  The goop inside the burrito is actually a dormant life form. } } Under certain conditions involving radiation and electromagnetism, } these life forms become active and rapidly multiply.  The NRC decided } that, in the event that this occurs, it should be locked in the store } and allowed to eat whatever it wants (including customers) until the } Slurpee truck arrives.  (Slurpees cause the life to go dormant again, } which is why the clerk recommends that you buy one with the burrito.) } } The clerk's job is to lock the door.  I know that we'd rather have the } customers lock the clerk in, but the NRC found that the clerk is } *always* the first to the door on account of the coffee-ground } sandwiches he eats to stay awake all night.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh bottomless pit of wisdom, oh pitiless and brilliant oracle, what > should I get my unrequited love for his twenty first birthday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If your love isn't being returned, don't bother. } } Concise Oxford Dictionary, 8th Ed., Copyright 1991 Oxford Univ. Press } } /requite/ <<rI"kwaIt>> v.tr. } 1. make return for (a service). } 2. (often foll. by "with") reward or avenge (a favour or injury). } 3. (often foll. by "for") make return to (a person). } 4. (often foll. by "for", "with") repay with good or evil ("requite }    like for like"; "requite hate with love"). } } /requital/ n. } } /re-/ + quite var. of /quit/ } } /unrequited/ <<%VnrI"kwaItId>> adj. (of love etc.) not returned. } } /unrequitedly/ adv. /unrequitedness/ n.{-ly, -ness new from OED and } Nexis Nov88} } } You owe the Oracle a reading of the Oxford English Dictionary.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> rm -rf oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey!  That's not very nice! } -] rm -rf querant } Besides, you didn't grovel very well at all. } } You owe the Oracle a new subdirectory.