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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh anaconda, tell me why the crane > Should be samoan when the toadstools scream: > A wailing hermit never maims a brain, > Although 'tis true that felons harm a bream. > My heart is spacious, likewise it is red, > When e'er I see the crazy carrots write; > I lost the briny princess -- for a bed > Had madly spluttered as it chewed a light. > Alas! the days of midwife, elk, and bat > Are gone, and now the hungry bailiffs blink; > Momentous was the crocus, now so fat > And ospreys cannot squash the smiling drink. > I shall no longer hide the ancient goose: > Life's not an ogre, but a gruesome moose!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You ask me, so to say, from when } To juxtapose forget-me-not's sporran } When Pittsburgh ginger segregates its tittle, } Depressing ball-and-socket joints a little. } Irrelative to lithograph's depravity } The coal unfurls sinister gravity; } The wroth salvationists are forking } Another unmembraneous faun by Hawking, } While chiffon's only lily tea } Is incommens'rability. } You see, a crumbly terracotta zither } Will never use consultants, never wither, } Will shelter chilblains, snub a packthread, } And then, when fixing, it will take head } Of irredeemable goggle-box. } Catching smallpox, catching pox } Is one of manful Gaelic stirrups } In times of counter-espionage, versus eliminating other crotchety } insobrieties, FIRST seizing, then ROUGHENING, then SALVING! } STOP THIS DESCRIBABLE DESIDERATUM!! } I WANT ANOTHER POINT-BLANK SHOT!! } AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! } } kinzler@iuvax [~] kill 4532 } } Now look at this!  Someone caused the Oracle program to go crazy! } It will probably take weeks to fix! } } You owe the Oracle twenty-one gluey orifices, glozed over by a } hardwood settee.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  [The USENET Oracle finds a glass bottle in his mailbox] >                   +-------------+ > >  ORACLE: Hey what's that!? suplicants are supposed to send their >          questions via e-mail, not inside glasss bottles! > >  [Oracle opens the bottle and finds a scrap of paper inside] > >             +----------------------------------------------+ >             |HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP  | >             |                                              | >             |To: whoever finds this note.                  | >             |                                              | >             |I am a prisoner on an island.  The bad guys   | >             |call it "the village".  They call everyone    | >             |by numbers.  They call me Number 6.  I have   | >             |never seen number 1, but on every episode     | >             |there is a different number 2, who demands    | >             |information.                                  | >             |                                              | >             |I've tried every possible way to escape but   | >             |somehow, everytime I find myself back in the  | >             |"village" before the episode ends.            | >             |                                              | >             |Please help me.                               | >             |                                              | >             |I AM NOT A NUMBER! I AM A FREE (?) MAN!       | >             +----------------------------------------------+

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question will finally be answered, here on The Net. } } _I_ am Number One. You are Number Six. You cannot escape the Village } because I, the omnipotent Oracle, control it. Give up, Number Six. It } will be easier in the long run. } } You owe the Oracle everything you know. Just tell Number Two, it will } get to me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, wondrous Oracle, Oh He Who Has The Knowledge To Do All, See > All, Yet Still Answers Our Petty Questions, please, oh please, could > you tell me: > >       Exactly who uses that weird part of the stapler that makes the > staple flange outward, rather than inward? > >       (Figure one:   _____ flange "in" >                      \/ \/ > >                        _____ flange "out" >                      \/     \/               )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've hit upon a problem that plagues even the Oracle herself } (yes, I said HERself), and it's not just limited to staplers, } either. } } Like, what do you call it when you go to open a pop-top can, and } the top snaps off in your hand, so you have to open the soda with } a screwdriver, and it sprays everywhere? } } And why does the cigarette lighter in the car just one day stick } like that, and it won't pop out, and you think "hey, is this } thing going to light my dashboard on fire?" } } And did you ever notice that sometimes when you go to stick your } gum under a desktop, someone's been there before you with gum or } worse? } } And fortune cookies!  Who writes those things?  Some day I'd like } to get one that said "You're about to get stuck with the check, } and he's not even any good at oral sex!" } } Then there's the aerosol can that sticks in the "open" position, } the kitchen gas pilot light that keeps going out and threatening } your life, and Andy Rooney, who NEVER shuts up, and likes to ruin } a perfectly good hour-long show. } } The Oracle's pet peeve, however, is men's John Henrys.  I mean, } let's face it, girls, size DOES count, and most of those things } are too small.  And I have yet to meet the man who knows how to } use one.  The rule is, NEVER FORGET THE CLITORIS.  Beyond that, } it's like falling off a... well, you know. } } Now to answer your question, the weird part of the stapler that } makes the staple flange "out" rather than "in" was created by } Satan himself.  It's evil.  Anything else? } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of lubricant and your Swiss Army } Knife.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh mighty, all knowing Oracle, I abase myself before thy plattitude. > Why is it that questioners of yours so often uncover the great > mysteries of the Universe by asking silly questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is, my friend, that the universe is silly. } } Many religions concern themselves with the True Name of God. This True } Name is actually Phlegmbippie Non Cogito Vishnu Squirtcarrot, but when } your average medium spits that out, it is discarded as too silly. } } I mean, it's obvious how silly the universe is when you realize how } silly an activity sex is. Whould people really get into those odd, } unnatural positions if they realized how silly they look? I think not. } } Silliness is everywhere. It binds us togther, flows through everything. } It is soft and chewy, it is hard and chrunchy. It is the Tao, the } Buddah, the One True Path, the Limitless Light. God made us in him } image, and we are silly. } } You owe the Oracle a stupid hat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> can you tell me what you do with all the stuff you demand from > questioners after they have had their questions answered? can you give > examples?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I've been waiting for just such a question!  Congratulation, } petitioner, you are lucky caller number 3411313 to the Oracle Internet } Shopping Network.(TM)  This entitles you to your choice of a $500 } credit or an autographed T-shirt, sure to be a collectors item and a } way to be the hit of your next BOF. } } There are just 3.121324 milliseconds left on the puce colored } biodegradable indoor-outdoor carpeting special.  No?  Well, time's up, } anyway. } } Perhaps you would like to ftp our catalog from ftp.oracle.com.  (It is } in the /pub directory, where else?)  We know of no other shopping } network with our diversity of merchandise, which is shipped via } Etherial Express for only a $X.400 shipping charge, guaranteed to } arrive fully checksummed and ready to be unpacketized.  (Shipping for } some items extra, such as the life size working model of the Universe, } complete with instructions.) } } Some items are available in limited quantites, and we reserve the right } to substitute merchandise of equal or better quality.  (Sorry, we're } all out of inflatable vaccuum powered Linda Lovelace dolls at the } moment, perhaps you'd settle for the Tipper Gore sex doll instead--it } just lays there humming "Amazing Grace".) } } All you need to order is to supply us with your Internet number.  We'll } get the rest of the information from NIC.  Purchaser is responsible for } any taxes, duty, and charges of possession of substances illegal in } his/her domain. } } We're open 24 hours a day, telnet to ripoff.oracle.com, login: sucker. } Thanks for calling the Oracle Internet Shopping Network.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Master Oracle, to whom none could be apprentice let alone journeyman, > I am prepared to invest all my savings in a miraculous pigcleaning > formula. They come out pinker than pink, they really do! Some people > have advised me that I would be foolish to invest all my savings in a > miraculous pigcleaning formula; they say there is a very limited > market for clean pigs, although they admit they themselves would prefer > to eat a clean pig rather than a dirty pig. Should I follow my heart, > which urges me to invest, or my friends' advice, which suggests a > few weeks of bedrest and some nice, safe savings bonds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy are you lucky!  You probably made one of the smartet decisions in } your life.  My sincere congratulations!  My congratulations for } ASKING MY ADVICE FIRST!  Because otherwise you would have listened to } your heart,  not to your mind (which was trying to convince you to buy } that house). } } Let me tell you about that "pinker than pink" formula first.  It was } developed in the late thirties by the Germans,  as you probaly know. } They used it for camouflage in the second world war.   But it didn't } prove to be quite useful because of some rather strange kind of } behavior displayed by the French resistance (which,  I won't explain } in detail,  but briefly mention that it was quite painful for some } German soliders to sit after using that product.) } } After the war,  American enterpreneur James Pinkerton tried to market } the formula as a mouthwash.  He failed.  The "pinker than pink" (known } as "Pinkerton Pink" at that time) was nothing but pink paint! } Unfortunately,  Pinkerton realized that too late. } } I guess you ran into one of his grandchildren,  because they are } trying to recover the money their grandfather lost by marketing the } "pink stuff"  (as they call it among themselves)  to unsuspecting } young yupies like you. } } So my advice is:  forget about pinker than pink.  It's only paint! } } Ok,  so you want a solid investment for your hard earned money?  Why } don't you consider buying Oracle stocks? } } You owe the Oracle the real thing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O great and mighty Oracle, who had the foresight to denounce > George Bush even before he proved his economic ineptitude, who > planned his relations with the Slavic Commonwealth before Gorbachev > even came to power, who even sold short the day before the 1987 Wall > Street crash, I beseech thee to impart some of thine prescient wisdom > upon this lowly of lowlies, this total unworthy who is not even fit > to lick the snot from your nose, who [remainder of grovelling deleted > due to tastelessness, but believe me, it's grovelling]... > >       A hypothetical question:  let us suppose that, as a result of > Hell freezing over, David Duke manages to get elected President.  Let > us also suppose that Quebec secedes from Canada and gets really > pissed off at American trading practices.  What would you say the > chances are that this would result in a war, and if so, where would > the best place be to hole up while both sides blow the crap out of > each other?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Fear Not, my properly grovelling Questioner: } }           This incarnation looks upon your question with great favor, }           considering the manner in which it was posed. I will }           therefore give you a glimpse of the future: } }           Let us assume that Hell froze over and David Duke became }           President. Let us also consider Quebec's secession from }           Canada, and consequent dislike of the American trading }           situation. For four years, the Quebec Elite National Guard }           would make forays and sorties against Maine, Vermont, and }           New Hampshire. The attacks would be repulsed by US customs }           agents who would not allow items of over $2,000, including }           heavy artillery, to cross the border. Those enterprising }           Elite Guards who hid their firearms in the backs of their }           tanks, and were then able to get through customs, would }           be ignored by the locals, who were more interested in }           watching LA Law. Upset and frustrated, the Elite guard would }           return to Quebec, and play a game of hockey. } }           After four years, of course, once the Presidential elections }           rolled around again, all of the French people in Quebec }           would flow across the border like a large herd of Caribou, }           or perhaps Lemmings, and elect Jerry Lewis, their Idol, as }           the next President. The reign of terror would be over. Of }           course, as a joke, President Lewis would detonate the }           entire nuclear arsenal of the US, as part of the 1812 }           Overture. Such a massive explosion would cause Hell to thaw, }           making it, in fact, a rather nice resort. } }           Therefore, it would behoove you to buy some real estate }           along the Styx. } }           Thus speaketh the Oracle!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is. } Is Not. } The world would be a much nicer place if the logical positivists had } not exerted such great influence on twentieth century thought. } } On second though, it is not entirely fair to blame it all on them.  I } think that we are dealing with a long tradition of stupid people. } } Is would mean a lot more if everyone lived their lives feeling that } they were living it in the presence of God. } } Probably not what you wanted to hear. } } Nothing. } } That is about what human thought signifies. } Don't ponder that to closely- you might become a positivist or a } nihilist or something.  Actually- I think that you already are a } nihilist. } } Don't eat cream cheese.  Cream cheese is a trap set by Satan. } } You owe the Oracle a real question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonder of wonders and all that other grovel garbage.  I'm not > feeling well today so I'll make it short: > > Why the hell can't my brother get a girlfriend.  What's his problem. > He's better looking than me.  He's more fit than me.  I on the > otherhand am happily married.  What gives? > > Your humble (and somewhat infectious) supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's take a quick look in on your brother Marc, who is currently } watching TV and drinking a beer in Cambridge, Massachusetts: } } <EtherNet ComLink on ... Connected> } } [Marc sits in a ratty green chair and clicks the remote control.] } } MARC:  GODDAMN SHIT ON TV!  I HATE THIS FUCKIN SHIT!  NOTHIN FUCKIN }        GOOD ON TV!  GODDAMN IT! } } [Marc vomits voluminously, nearly drowning the cat.] } } MARC:  GODDAMN FUCKIN FLU!  I HATE THE FUCKIN FLU!  I HATE MY FUCKIN }        BROTHER WHO GAVE ME THE FUCKIN FLU! } } [The doorbell rings.  Marc rises, cursing, and sloshes through the } vomit to open the front door.  Traci is here, wearing a see-through } negligee and low-cut panties] } } TRACI: Ooh, Markie, you're sick!  I love it when you're sick! } } MARC:  FUCK OFF! } } [Marc slams the door, and vomits a huge wet splash onto the closed } door.  He sloshes back to his seat and drains the rest of his beer.] } } MARC:  GODDAMN FUCKIN INTERRUPTIONS!  FUCKIN VISITORS WHEN I WANNA }        FUCKIN WATCH TV! } } [Candi wanders in from the bedroom, wearing a spiked leather bra.  She } stands in the doorway.] } } CANDI: Marc, honey?  Are you coming back ... to bed? } } MARC:  FUCK OFF! } } [Marc vomits violently on Candi, blowing her back into the bedroom.] } } MARC:  GODDAMN FUCKIN INTERRUPTIONS WHEN I'M FUCKIN WATCHIN TV! } } [Marc vomits on TV, shorting it out in a gaudy explosion of glass and } sparks.] } } MARC:  FUCK! } } <Ethernet ComLink off ... Disconnected> } } So, you see your brother's problem.  He's just too sensitive.  He } needs to be less afraid of taking the dominant role in a relationship. } } You owe the Oracle device B.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who knowest all, > Why have I only got one ball?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Oh Questioner, it is clear to see }           Why you have asked this question of me } }           This query has passed down through the ages }           And confounded quite a number of sages } }           In tennis one usually begins with three }           So are you missing a pair? It occurs to me } }           You might have lost them, one by one }           Launched into the sea, or shot by a gun } }           But no, that answer is far too clear }           The truth of the matter is not as near } }           The game of baseball is not at hand }           For many a ball might be hit towards the stand } }           If one suggests football I'd be annoyed }           For that's not a ball--it's an ellipsoid } }           Hockey of course uses a puck }           Don't look there--you'd be out of luck } }           So back to your problem of a singular sphere }           Do people gawk, and stare, and sneer? } }           Although I know the answer you request }           I will not directly comply with your behest } }           For the cause of your problem can be no other }           It must be your father, or your mother } }           This unilateral decision of Fate }           Depends upon being set straight } }           For basketball is your game, my son }           Where your total ball count numbers One } }           Thus speaketh the Oracle, wise beyond years }           Send me a gift, mail order from Sears.