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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and telemelitrous Oracle, please tell me how you would answer > if a supplicant asked, "In a fight between Doctor Doolittle and Mary > Poppins, who would win?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you ever seen a man win in a fight with a woman?  I didn't think } so...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     I am running SQL*Net TCP/IP for Multinet on VAX/VMS. Whenever a >     SQL*Net Client tries to connect to the databse instance, I have >     been getting the following message: > >     CONNECT REQUEST FROM HECVAX.HUMAN.CORNELL.EDU AT 3-DEC-91 12:27:46 >     ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E, PNO=00) CREATED >     ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E) HAS EXIT STATUS 340 >     ERROR: ORASRV has exited unexpectedly (with status 340) >     ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E, PNO=00) DELETED >     KILL REQUEST FROM HECVAX.HUMAN.CORNELL.EDU AT 3-DEC-91 12:57:05 > >     It used to run OK.  I have a TAR with Oracle but no onenhas been >     able to resolve the problem.  Does anyone have any idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, buddy, I'm the USENET Oracle!  NOT some SQuirreL*NET } database package. } } Now, as to your problem, the key is in the client address, to wit: } }          HECVAX.HUMAN.... } } It's HUMAN error, obviously.   Go down tho the HUMANities department } and tell them to keep their grubby Liberal (non-partisan these days) } Arts paws OFF your machine until you can cure it of its VMS infection } and give it a good dose of UNIX } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Gupta Technology's DBMS source.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, > > I know - I'm not worth being your shoe-shine boy - but PLEASE tell me: > > How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? >    _ > _ // Barbarus hic ego sum quia non intellegor ulli. > \X/  Anyway, life's a Bratwurst.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only one: I-95.  All the way from Maine to Florida.  Only then can he } be called a man. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Route 66."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose pickup has the loudest pipes and the most lights, and > whose belly has the largest belt buckle I have ever seen cover a pair > of Wrangler jeans, and whose boots have the most cow dung on them, > please tell me: > >     Why did my cows eat all of the leaves off the bushes around my >     house and how did they get across the fence into my yard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The got over the fence using an Acme Cow-a-Pult, as seen on TV and } Monty Python.  Just $19.95 plus shipping and handling, guaranteed to put } some boost into Bossie, the Cow-a-Pult has an adjustable trajectory dial } the that goes from fence-hopping to moon shots.  Get yours today! }  They ate all of the leaves from around your "bushes" because knew } precisely what they ACTUALLY were.  This also gives you an explanation } to the question I can see lurking in your mind:  "Why are my cows lying } flat on their backs giggling?" } }  You don't owe the Oracle anything:  you'll need all you have for court } costs once the DEA arrives, which they should be in...  oh...  fifteen } minutes.  Have a nice day.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, though with the most discerning brain, whose > comment are always insightful, knowing, and knowledgeable.  Who is the > most perceptive being in the universion.  Whose sage advise we all heed > without question.  Whose mind is most keen, contemplative, and > reflective.  Whose wit is both sharp and shrewd.  Who is definatly the > most canny, discreet, foresighted, perspicacious, sagacious, bright, > and intelligent being ever to send a packet on the internet.  Whose > words are cagey, foresighted, crafty, cunning, and tricky.  Who is > always in the groove, and definatly not born yesterday.  Who is often > bold, cheeky, forward, fresh, impudent, nervy, pert, procacious, sassy, > smart-alecky, arrogant, brash, cocky, flippant, impertinent, lippy, > saucy, dull, btuse, slow, unaware, unknowing, careless, heedless, > imprudent, indiscreet, short-sighted, foolish, and unwise.  Who has an > intelegence that is astonishing, astounding, miraculous, prodigious, > strange, stupendous, surprising, wonderful, wondrous.  Whose very words > are the ultimate pleasure to hear.  Who is definately the most > wonderfull person I have ever had the good fortune to speak to.  I ask > you: > >       Do you really read these messages carefully?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope.  Just compute a 11-bit CRC of the first line and use that as an } index into a table of Fate Capsules.  Not real clever, but it works } as well as IBM's finest -- and a damn sight better than anything the } NSA can do. } } You owe the Oracle a 12-bit CRC handbook.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and powerful Oracle, please HELP!!! > > Our test scripts are FAILING!!!  No recovery procedure is effective!!! > > WHAT DO WE DO??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several differenct solutions. Here are just a few of them: } }       1. Give Up! }       2. Hit the books and learn how to write scripts right! }       3. Go ask someone who has already asked someone else! }       4. Have a lunch break and try again with better luck! }       5. Wake Up! } } You owe the Oracle a functioning test script.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, utmost Oracularity of blinding radiance of wisdom, plase tell me > what an "audiobiography" is. Do so, and I will never leave your toes > uncovered by my lips.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Contrary to popular belief, an audiobiography is not about cars.  It } is actually the life story of Audie Murphy, which became so popular } that the word was invented for it. } } Other famous life stories are the Mammography (Auntie Mame), the } Pornography (Hugh Hefner), the Stenography (the gun), and Liposuction } (the story of a man who walked around with a can of V8 stuck to his } face because he tried to open it with his teeth.  The Oracle is NOT } making this one up). } } You owe the Oracle your life story.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have here a copy of the Very Strange Version of the Bible, wherein > it is written: > > 1. Blessed are the peacocks, for they have extremely gaudy tails and > nasty voices. > 2. Blessed are the nosy, for they shall have their appetite for gossip > satiated. > 3. Blessed are the hydrogenated, for they shall remain stiff, yea, > even unto the hottest of days. > 4. Blessed are the smooth, for they need not be sanded. > 5. Blessed are the primitive, for theirs is the Kingdom of Bogo-Bogo. > 6. Blessed are the creepy, for they shall creep forth upon the earth > and multiply and so perform all manner of deeds, and they shall be > as seagulls unto the Footmen Heaven. > 7. Blessed are the rabbits, for they shall inherit Australia. > 8. Blessed are the reprehensible, for they shall be reprehensed. > 9. Blessed are the verbose, for they shall be given many words pickled > in dilled vinegar, and lo!  those words shall be crunchy and > pungent, and suitable for the garnishment of sandwiches. > > What does it mean, O Wise Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that the Great and Holy Prophet Jehorziah has been at the } sacramental wine again.  Sorry about that; we'll take care of it. } } You owe the Oracle a large pot of strong coffee, and a dozen raw eggs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle: > > You are standing at the end of a dirt road, with blue gargoyles > spouting flames from their ears standing on pedistals on either side. > At the end of the road is a small temple to Tolkien.  In the road is a > two-handed sword.  You are wearing blue tights and a crown of laurel > leaves. > >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you bend over to pick up the sword, two things happen.  The big } lunch of bean burrito's betrays you with a loud gaseous cloud that } instantly ignites into a blue flame spawned from the gargoyle's flaming } ears.  At the same time your tights split from waist band to waist } band.  Spurred on by a pain in the rear and acute embarassment you rush } into the temple. } } Oracle: Well, what have we here? } } You look around, trying to cover yourself with the sword, at once } awkward and dangerous.  "Is that you, Oracle?" } } "Indeed it is, and what a pleasure to once again have a supplicant } apply for the priesthood by offering himself in the ancient way!" } } "Uh, what do you mean, I was just..." } } "No, do not explain, I understand.  Doubts arise at the last moment, } but I will help you overcome them.  Just place them on the alter and } use the sword quickly, it won't even hurt." } } "Hey, you can't mean _I_ should..." } } "Sigh... Alright I'll do it for you, but it would have been more } impressive had you done it yourself." } } "Whoa, wait just a sec..... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" } } The Oracle appreciates your visit, your debt is paid in full.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, what is this program... >                                       I dunno, you started it, you... > No way, it just started by itself... >                                       Nah, I doubt, let me see... >                                       Now, what did you do? > I just pressed this button and... > Hey, whos that guy with leather > sandals and white toga? He's coming > here! What does he want... >                                       I dunno, he doesn't like too >                                       friendly to me, or what... > Look, he's waving at us... >                                       I don't think show! It looks more >                                       like he's throwing stones at us! >                                       Hey man, why are you throwing >                                       stones at us? We haven't done >                                       anything! Or have we? > Hey, this is not nice any more... > I want out! HELP HELP ... >                                       Ok, try Ctrl-Alt-Del... > You stupid asshole, this ain't no > PC, this is a Sparc workstation! >                                       Well, Hmmm, try L1-A-B, that >                                       should work... > >                                       Quickly, hurry, AUCH, that hurts, >                                       do it NOW > Ok, just a sec...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, yeah, you need help.  Try beating yourself with a Oracle help } manual until you achieve enligntenment.