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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and oracular Oracle, I refuse to stoop to meaningless verbiage > of your magnifcence, but I have a problem to tax your utmost corncobs. > > Following is the answer (well, actually not the answer, because, as we > all know is 42, but I digress), and we  humbly demand the question. > > "322 Ducks without feathers > A large piece of blue chalk > > A wobble board without Rolf Harris. > (with options on a Partridge in a Pared Tree)"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why is it that so many petitioners think that the essence of wit lies } in blithering nonsense?  (Shut up, this is a rhetorical question; I } KNOW the answer, clever boy, I'm the Oracle, remember?) } } With the Doorway to the Secrets of the Universe standing open before } them, do they stride boldly forward to partake of omniscience?  No, } they pick paint chips off the door frame. } } With the Candle of Absolute Enlightenment burning before their eyes, do } they gaze into the infinite depths of its flame to espy Truth?  No, } they pick at the dried wax coagulating on the candlestick. } } With the Cup of Knowledge at their lips, brimming over with the wisdom } of gods, do they drink deep of that heady wine?  No, they make funny } faces at their own reflections in the polished metal. } } Sigh. } } Just as every question has an answer, every answer has a question. } (Take THAT, Mr. Goedel!!)  Please realize though, that knowing both } question and answer is no guarantee to understanding.  As it happens, } there are 10,654 questions to your answer.  Most of them are pretty } boring, such as: } }   "What are 322 Ducks without feathers, a large piece of blue chalk, a }    wobble board without Rolf Harris (with options on a Partridge in a }    Pared Tree)?" } } Admittedly unhelpful.  More intriguing is: } }   "When Antharphax went to Parthia and lost all, what did he bring for }    his beloved?" } } Not especially enlightening, but thought-provoking, wouldn't you say? } As it happens, the question you actually want is one of the more } particularly obscure: } }   "Whence bathospheres?" } } You owe the Oracle a methaphor extender.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, Mr. Oracle, I need your help!  I think I'm being followed. > They're coming for me!  Please help me!  They hate me - they're going > to fhjastk\dnl. > $%^&#$ > NO CARRIER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi, this is the USENET Oracle. Sorry I'm not in right now, but if you } leave a message after the tone, I'll get right back to you... } } Ha, ha, ha, just kidding. I was really here all the time. (I am } omnipresent, after all.) Now let's see, what was that question again? } They're coming for you? They hate you? They're going to ... WHAT!? } } Don't they know that fhjastk\dnling is simply *not* allowed in this } sector of the reality continuum? And that the penalty for infringement } is mandatory removal of the inner premolar humour gland? (The one that } makes you laugh at your own jokes.) Tsk-tsk-tsk, some people will not } learn... } } I deduce from the tone of your voice that you believe yourself to be in } imminent danger, and that you would like to be rescued. Certainly! The } Oracle is not only omnipresent and omnipotent, but also omni-obliging. } However, being so all-powerful has its drawbacks, one of them being } a difficulty comprehending the concept of physical injury and } consequent termination of vital biological processes. However, all is } not lost: what you have to do is explain to me what sort of form you } think your rescue should take, and I shall be happy to... } } You still there? Hello? Hello? } } Well, I never. Call me and then suddenly hang up for no reason. Do some } people have nothing else better to do? Mutter, mutter, mumble... } } You owe the Oracle a quicker mind.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who is way above average, please favor me with your > gentle guidence.  I have been considering the trends of computing and > shapes.  At the present time, computers depend heavily on disks.  In > the past 'tapes' where more common and they tended to be stored in the > shape of disks on reels.  Will this trend continue or is there some > other geometric shape in the future of electronic storage medium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've noticed!  Well, the real secret is that disks are just really } flat spools of tape.  The next stage is the Mobius disk, which will } make those silly double-sided floppies obsolete.  If you're going to } have a single-sided disk, it should REALLY be single-sided. } } You owe the Oracle the contents of that Klein bottle you've been } nursing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to find a date on a college campus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dates and other fruits are usually found in the produce section of your } local grocery.  You might check in some of the vending machines for } dried dates. } } You owe the Oracle a can of Raid.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most magnificent Oracle, deeply versed in the most obscure secrets > of both sexes, > > could you please give me the top ten reasons for young women to wear a > bra, and the top ten ones for not wearing one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PRO } } 1. men } 2. men } 3. men } 4. men } 5. men } 6. men } 7. men } 8. men } 9. men } 10. men } } CON } } 1. men } 2. men } 3. men } 4. men } 5. men } 6. men } 7. men } 8. men } 9. men } 10. men

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh beloved Oracle most wise, who can dance better than anyone on Club > MTV... I've been listening to a lot of dance music lately, and I simply > have to find out the answer to this question: > What time is love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [UO] Hello my son } } [IH] Oh beloved Oracle most wise, who can dance better than anyone }      on Club MTV... } } [UO] Well, if I wanted to I guess... } } [IH] I've been listening to a lot of dance music lately, } } [UO] I see your problems } } [IH] No, you see I simply have to  find out the answer to this question } } [UO] Which is? } } [IH] What time is love? } } [UO] Come this way my son, down this hall } } [IH] What's behind that door there. } } [UO] A person who goes on and on about someone names Billy Jean. } } [IH] Sad. } } [UO] Very. } } [IH] What about in there } } [UO] Oh, another helpless soul, he keeps saying Everybody Sweat Now. } } [IH] Oh, I like that song, one of my favorites } } [UO] I'm very sorry for you. } } [IH] So, what about my question } } [UO] Just go through that door there } } [IH] Hey what are you doing? } } [UO] I'm sorry my son...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that men who worship beauty more than they worship truth > risk their souls in the embrace of someone from Duluth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come to think of it, I've been suspicious about that for I long time, } now. } } "Lisa, Oh, Lisa!" } } "Yes, Orie? Now?" } } "In a minute, first, where are you from?" } } "Why, Duluthy, Orie! Why?" } } "Nothing.  Now."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wist, please answer me this: > > When I turn off the radio duing a song, and then turn it back on a > while later, it's in a different place in the song or sometimes even > playing a different song.  My eight track tape player doesn't behave > that way.  Should I get a new radio? > > Oh, I alost forgot, this is original equipment in an Impala.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To the best of the Oracle's knowledge, which means for sure, "Wist" is } an old card game dating back at least to the nineteenth century, though } it is usually spelled with a "h" as well.  The Oracle does, however, } enjoy the odd game of poker, though he has a hard time finding people } who will play with him for any stakes worth troubling over. } } Now, about this radio problem.  You actually puzzled the Oracle for a } minute, but then the situation became clear after you mentioned the } Impala.  Impalas, unlike most American cars, are not powered by an } internal combustion engine, but rather by small demon squirrels on } treadmills inside what only appears to be a V8.  The squirrels, } conjured and imprisoned by secrets known only to Lee Iacocca and very } few others, were the culmination of black magic experiments on the part } of Detroit beginning with the invention of the Edsel and ending } disasterously with President's vomiting in Japan earlier this week. } The presence of the squirrels upsets the otherwise cheerful little } elves who live inside your radio and play the music you hear on their } little instruments when you turn it on.  The elves forget where they } were when you turned the radio off, and therein lies your problem. } Either get a new engine, have your car exorcised and hope it somehow } still works, or just get used to the problem. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Necronomicon and a subscription } to "Car and Driver."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most powerful and glorious Oracle, >     Most learned One before whom we are only bits, >       Knower of all that is worth knowing, >           Sayer of the most esteemed sooth, >               true Bearer of all wisdom, >                       Lorist for all folk, >                           Teller of all tales, >                               Winner of all sweepstakes... > > what was it I was going to ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last, a simple question for which there is a simple and direct } answer. You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going } to ask you?", and the answer to that is, "You were, of course, going to } ask me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", for which the answer } can only be, "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was } going to ask you?"", and obviously the only intelligent reply can be, } "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask } you?"", to which I can only respond, "You were, of course, going to ask } me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", the solution to which is, } "You were, of course, going to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask } you?"", which can be resolved as follows, "You were, of course, going } to ask me, "What was it I was going to ask you?"", to which I assert } } ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING  ***  WARNING } } PARADOX ALERT } CLOSED LOGIC LOOP } EXPONENTIAL POSITIVE FEEDBACK } UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT } ANNIHILATION OF INCARNATION IMMINENT } UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT } ANNIHILATION OF SYSTEM IMMINENT } UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT } ANNIHILATION OF UNIVERSE IMMINENT } UNABLE TO CONTAIN OUTPUT } ANNIH } } *** You owe the Oracle a parallel universe and a new incarnation.  Hmm, } while you're at it, throw in a ticket to one of those sweepstakes you } mentioned.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, awesome Oracle who types so fast that fifteen fireman are always on > standby at the big Oracular workstation in case the keyboard catches > fire: > > I got a problem.  I ate fourteen pieces of cheese the other day, when I > was stopped by a cop who arrested me because there's a law against > eating fouteen pieces of cheese when you haven't registered with the > Fourteen Cheese and Other Miscellany Board.  It turns out that if I had > only eaten thirteen cheeses or gotten really piggy and ate fifteen > cheeses I would have been OK, because in my municipality those > quantities of cheese-piece eating are completely unregulated.  Now am I > living in a Dada-ist society or what? Why does fourteen matter but not > thirteen, fifteen, or even twenty-three. Heck, I'd think that if any > number of cheese pieces mattered to Those In Charge, it would be > twenty-three.  Wouldn't you think so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa:  Oh oracle honey...  Where are you?  <cough> <cough>  I can't see } you through all this smoke...  I swear...  Where are those firemen } anyway... Oh well I'll just try to feel my way through...  Oooch.. } <giggle>  I found you! } } Oracle:  Yes. <sigh>  I was just taking a keyboard replacement break. } Maybe I should take a tactile stimulation break instead though... } } Lisa:  Ooch.  Don't keep pinching me when I can't see you.  Besides I } have another question for you.  This one finally got cleared by the } bomb section and the psycho department. } } Oracle:  Oh great.  Another assasination attempt I suppose... <sounds } of sirens and deisel motors>  AHhh.  Finally, here come the firemen. } } Lisa:  It's not a threat letter.  The executive summary says it's a } druggie ex-con asking about legal matters.  <A burly fireman runs by } spraying extinguisher everywhere.  He's wearing a walkman playing } sounds of a fire-engine.  Fans start up, clearing the smoke>.  Oh!  I } can see again... Get your hand off my leg!  Here's the question. <She } proffers a soggy piece of paper.> } } Oracle:  Yucch.  Why does this smell so bad?  <sound of smashing glass> } } Lisa:  It's covered in limburger cheese.  Why do those firemen always } break all the windows in the building?  <Glass shatters everywhere; } firemen run by with big axes in hand> } } Oracle:  It's part of their contract... Lowers the insurance } deductibles or something...   You owe me a cup of coffee.. } Hmm.. this question is strange...  It's not about legal matters per se. } Actually the poor guy just wants to know why there's such a huge } abundance of idiotic regulations in his world. } } Lisa:  What about the cheese?  <A fireman rushes up covered in } extinguisher foam and shattered glass.  He dumps a huge book on the } oracle's melted keyboard> } } Firecheif:  Hello Oracle.  Fire's under control.  Here's the paperwork. } <He indicates the huge tome.>> } } Oracle:  Oh that's good to hear...  And the windows? } } Firechief:  Ummm...   Well...  Unfortunately we had to break some. } } Oracle:  How many? } } Firechief:  Lets see.. <starts counting on his fingers>  Exactly all of } them I believe. } } Oracle:  Ok.  Well then, same deal as last time:  you make the } paperwork dissapear,  I'll fix the windows, and no one reports it to } the insurance. } } Firechief:  Righto your awesomeness.  Here let me replace your } keyboard. <He pulls out a shiny new flame retardant keyboard.>  There } you are. } } Oracle:  Thanks!  <The Oracle begins typing furiously> <Lisa sets a cup } of coffee down by the terminal>  <Wisps of smoke rise from the keys> } }       And thus spake the Oracle in response: } }       Beuracracy is the same the world over -- it makes rules that it }       wants broken so that it can enforce those arbitratry rules on the }       population.  Just try to learn all the rules and you won't be }       bothered anymore.  And lay off the limburger cheese; it contains }       mild hallucinogens that when taken in quantity can cause }       problems. } }       You owe the oracle a case of aged Brie. } } Oracle:  <blowing on his keyboard>  Oh Lisa...   Tactile break....