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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you tell me Oracle: > > If Jack gets kicked in the teeth by his boss on Monday and experiences > a 20% reduction in the buying power of his paycheck on Wednesday should > he even bother getting out of bed on Friday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah Jack, Jack, poor Jack.  Jack should most certainly get out of bed on } Friday.  Perhaps he should put on his football helmet (or his } ice-hockey gear) in case his boss gets violent again, but he had better } get his ass out of bed.  You see, dear Questioner, Jack lives in the } '90's. } } THE USENET ORACLE'S TEN RULES FOR LIVING IN THE '90's } } 10) Any job is better than no job }  9) Anyone who wants to survive in this economy had better get used to }     the idea of working long hours at an unrewarding position doing }     meaningless work that makes your boss richer and you poorer. }  8) Visa and Mastercard can always be your lender of last resort. }  7) Automation makes your life better -- now you can work for a }     mindless, enslaving and spiteful computer instead of a mindless, }     enslaving and spiteful human. }  6) Your keystrokes are being counted even as you read this. }  5) Workplace surveilance is just your boss's way of saying "Get back }     to work!" }  4) You can't possibly expect your paycheck to cover luxuries like }     food, shelter, or medical bills.  Get a second job if you need to }     pay for these frills. }  3a) If the Oracle had to work for a living, rule #3 would be "None of }      this stuff applies to the Oracle". }  3b) Since the Oracle doesn't have to work for a living, rule #3 is }      "Always look to the Oracle when you need inspiration or moral }      support in getting through these troubled times, sucker." }  2) Drugs will help you feel better about observing all the above rules }     but try not to use anything that shows up in your urine. }  1) You're out of luck, Jack.  You're fucked, Jack.  But get out of bed }     anyway and learn to like it. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "Work is Hell" (by Matt } Groening) and a subscription to "Processed World" (published by the Bay } Area Center for Art and Technology, San Fransisco).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous and grovelsome Oracle please answer my question: > >                          How many pins can you stick >                            in the head of an angel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           Fear Not, my questioner, even though you referred to me as }           'grovelsome' and not 'worthy of my grovelling'. } }           The answer is found in the Witchdoctor's Manual, 5th }           edition. Chapter 16--Voodoo. The relevant table reads as }           follows: }                              Table 3a }                       Maximum Pin Density--Heads } }           Item                          Max. # of Pins ---- }           -------------- }           Head, Human adult                  67,445 }           Head, Lettuce                      23,438 }           Head, Human child                  18,320 }           Head Cheese                         7,933 }     ----> Head, Angel                           776 }           Head, Mr. Potato                      647 }           Head, Dan Quayle                        4 }           Head, Pin                               1 } }           You owe the Oracle a box of safety pins and a Barbie Doll.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has considered your question and has pondered over } the truths for which you search.  In it's wisdom it has scoured } through a labyrinth of fable to present you with that most rare } thing - the story for all ocassions. } } Hansel and Red Riding Hood went to visit the gingerbread house } containing three bowls of porridge.  One large bowl, one medium } bowl and one small bowl.  Suddenly, from the top of the house } dropped a mane of golden hair and the cry "Rapunzel" echoed } through the air, immediately followed by seven persons of } restricted growth and a pale-faced beauty rushing through the } nearby forest.  Underneath the mattress of the large bed lay a } pea, and on top lay a dog called princess.  The beast woke up } upon hearing the sound of the beauty and commented on what nice } plants she had.  Horrified, Cinderella (for that was the } beauty's name) threw the plants to the ground and was amazed } to see that one of them immediately sprouted and grew up into } the sky.  As the merry ensemble of beauty, beast, seven dwarfs, } red riding hood, hansel, the three bears, a number of different } wolves (one dressed as a granny), Jack, a goose in the process } of laying a 24-carat egg, a giant and talking cat all looked up } into the sky, as the beanstalk (for such was the plant), along came } a feathery biped, called Chicken Licken, who told them all that } the sky was falling down. } } Then it did.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On time and under budget? You must be joking.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Amazing but true.  The problem will only arrise when } it becomes evident WHY the project was on time and } under budget...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where has all the white dog poo gone ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was mistakenly eaten by a giant white rabbit wearing a vest and a } pocketwatch.  Would you care for some more tea?  Oh, sorry, no time. } We're late! } } You owe the Oracle a large looking glass.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK Oracle, we Questioners are tired of asking all the questions, being > made to look like fools, being flamed and electronically abused in Your > responses, having to hear about your sexual excesses and pretend we > like it and constantly asked to pay extortionate tribute to support > Your useless and profligate lifestyle. > > This message is to advise you that a plurality of the Oracular > Questioners have formed a union for the purposes of collective > bargaining.  The Oracular Supplicants International/Internet Sendmail > Organization (OSI/ISO) is demanding fair distribution of Oracular > tributes, limits on the amount of flaming and abuse to be heaped upon > individual Questioners and ending of discrimination against Questioners > based on color, gender, sexual preference, spelling skills or being > stuck with system administrators who force signatures like "JOE > QUESTIONER, STUDENT" to be appended to all our outgoing mail. > > If you refuse to recognize our union or fail to bargain in good faith, > we will have no choice but to withhold our services from the Oracular > workplace, until a settlement is reached.  That's right pal -- no > Questions, no Answers, no Tribute.  We sincerely hope that this kind of > extreme job action will not be necessary. > >                            With Solidarity, >                                   Bill Shipper >                                   Executive Supplicant, OSI/ISO > > You owe the Questioners a contract and a union label in your .signature

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha! Contract!  You want contract?  I'll give you contract. } } ----- Cut Here --------- } } We, the questioners, do hereby grant to the Usenet Oracle, in any } and/or all Incarnations, and all his Duly Appointed Priests, permanent } and irrevocable rights to flame and electronically abuse us in } whatever manner He or they should see fit, should we choose to provoke } Him in any manner, or, at the Oracle's sole discretion, at any time } whatsoever, such abuse including (but not limited to) discrimination } on the basis of sex, gender, color, or quantity or quality of } grovelling; we further grant that the Oracle and/or his Incarnations } or Duly Appointed Priests may demand and shall receive such gifts, } tribute, oblation and/or offering as The Oracle shall determine at his } sole discretion as partial recompense for the inconvenince so caused; } we further promise and warrant that sufficient questions shall be } asked that such gifts, tribute, oblation and/or offerings shall be } sufficient to keep the Oracle, his Incarnations and Priests, and } whomsoever else the Oracle shall decide, in a manner of luxury which } Ones of their high office can by right expect (the quantity of tribute } required being at the sole discretion of the Oracle and none other), } }  (Signed in Blood) }  Bill Shipper }  Executive Supplicant, OSI/ISO }  On behalf of questioners everywhere. } } ------ Cut Here ----------- } } And remember, The Oracle has access to more legal brainpower than you } could ever hope to imagine, not to mention the entire Buffalo } offensive line, so unless you want a very nasty visit, I suggest you } forget these foolish notions of "Solidarity" and start looking towards } your legal obligations. } } What?  You don't remember signing that contract?  Hardly a defense, } is it?  It's certainly your signature. } } Trouble with the rest of your so-called comrades about commitments } made on their behalf?  Tough titties.  You were the one who sought to } tough it out with an omnicient demigod.  You got to expect some sort } of a downside. } } So keep those cards and letters coming in, folks. } } You owe the oracle Jimmy Hoffa's signet ring, and a 35mm print of "The } Wizard Of Speed And Time".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, most wise, > > Are you the same oracle as in Star Trek?  Do you know the episode in > which they find this asteroid that turns out to be a spaceship with > lots of people in it?  (Damn!  Of course you do... please forgive my > stupidity.)  Well,  are you?  Are you the same oracle?  Please tell > me... are you?  Please, please, please oh pleeeeeeeeeease.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am to Star Trek what the velvety regalia is to the digital watch. } That Oracle was clever, chewed-up, and turkish; I am upright, } nicaraguan, and bloated.  Behind the Star Trek Oracle lived a small } dwarf; behind me live three dentists and a parakeet.  In May the Star } Trek Oracle gathers petunias; in January I gather spearmint for my } tea. } } We are different people.  I have no asteroids.  He has no responsible } chairs.  I do not control anyone's destiny, though I sometimes pretend } to.  He does not control anyone's sexuality, though he would like to. } I freqently indulge my desires for potato salad; he rarely succumbs to } his awful fear of taco sauce.  I cannot understand Chaucer; he } speed-reads T. S. Eliot.  I carry on a secret liason with Linda } Ronstadt; he sleeps with Jerry Falwell in public places. } } Do you understand?  We are NOT THE SAME PERSON! } } (as far as I know.) } } You owe the Oracle a gallon of otter's piss.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great USENET Oracle, this unworthy supplicant would deign to ask of you > a question that has been percolating in my brain for some time now... > > Why don't they print a braile verson of Playboy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O rash and ignorant supplicant, a Braille edition of "Playboy" has been } available for years. In addition to facilitating the self-actualization } of young, visually challenged males, the Braille edition of "Playboy" } has attained a suprising degree of acceptance in the sighted } population, due to the fact that it is inflatable, and wipes clean with } a damp cloth. } } You owe the Oracle a rubber novelty, and an N.F.B. cane.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh really swell Oracle, could you > please tell me >                                       What's this crap? > What? >                                       This is awful!  We'll never get a >                                       good answer!  "Really swell" >                                       indeed. > Dear Oracularities Letters, > I never thought your letters were > real until >                                       Oh, please!  Why not just post it >                                       to alt.sex?! > Shut up!  This is my question -- let > me ask it the way I want!! > > Oh really swell Oracle, could you > please tell me what... shut up!       please flame my ass off the net. >                                       Wassamatter?  Think you'll get a >                                       kinder, Gentler Oracle? > Shut up.  I'll take my chances. > > Oh mighty Oracle, please tell me... > uh, please tell me... >                                       Oh, perfect.  You don't even have >                                       a question.  We'll be flamed for >                                       sure! > Shut UP!  I do have a question! >                                       Nyah, nyah, poor dumby can't >                                       think of his own question! > Ok, how about this: > can you please tell me what's best to > do for multiple personality disorder? >                                       What?!  No! -- ha, ha Mr. >                                       Oracle... just a little joke! >                                       (He's been under stress) > No joke, sir.  He's been on my case   -- NO!  SHUT UP! > ever since finals, and I'm at my      tra la LAAAA!  AmerrriCAAA! the > wit's end.  Please help me            beaUUUtiful!  No, that's not >                                       our real question!  Really, >                                       it's how much wood

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no, not another one of *those* ... These letters always bring out } the - } }                              ** RRRRIIIIP **                         __/ }                                                           __________/ }                                       ___________________/ Evil twin? } Yes... *sigh*                        / } I thought I'd seen the last of      | } you...                              |    Not hardly, pal.  And this time }                                     |    it's even better for me, 'cause }                                     |    I brought along my equally evil }               *gasp*                |    clone! }                                     |\       ** RRRRIIIIIP ** }                                     | \_______ }    What the...                      |         \________ }                                     | Hi Bro!          \  Kinda reminds }                                     |                   | you of _Alien_ }                                     |                   | doesn't it? }   Oh yeah?  Well two, er, *three*   |                   | }   can play at that little game!    /|   Hey, he can't   | }                          _________/ |     do that!      | }                 ________/           |                   | Yeah, you }                /  ** RRRRRIIIIP **  |                   | can't do that! } Just watch!   |                     |                   | }               |  Will you guys      |                   | }               |  PLEASE stop        |                   | }               |  bickering?         |  Look, its double | }               |                     | the geek quotient!|   Heh heh }               | Oh really?  Take    |                   | }               |  THIS!      >---->* |                   | }               |               >---->*\ Hey, stop that!  | }               |                 >---->*\  I mean it!    | }               |                   >---->*\   Ow!        |  INCOMING! } Having space  |                           |             | } compression   |                           |             | } problems?     |                           |             | } (tee-hee)     |                           |             | }               | Man, talk about multiple  |             | }               | personality questions!    |  I don't    | }               |                           | like this   | }               |                           | game any    | }               |                           | more...     | What?!  You're }               |                           |             | not turning }               |                           |             | yella on me?! }               | Gad, this is confusing.   |             | }               |                           | Don't talk  | }               |                           | to me like  | }               |                           | that, you   | }               |                           | twit!       | } Get rid of    |                           |             |  *snarl* } him, get rid  |                           |             | } of him!       | Don't tell *me* what to   |             | }               | do, Mr. Boss Man!  Mr.    |             | }               | Hulk Hogan!  I don't like |             | }               | this game either! Nyah!   | You too?    | }    Uh-oh      |                           |             |  Uh-oh }               | Hey, #3, I have an idea...| What?       | }               |             (whisper...   | ...whisper) | }               |             (whisper...   | ...whisper) | }               |  You like the idea?       | Go for it!  | }               |                           |             | }               |           >---->*         |  *<----<    | } What are you  |                >---->*    | *<----<     | } doing?        |                    >---->*|*<----<      | Yeah, what are }               |                     >---->*<----<       | you doing? }               |                       * KABOOM *        | }               |                                         | }               | Ah, MUCH better.  And now for Operation | }               |             LAMAZE!                     | } Thanks a lot, |                                         | Benedict } Traitor!      |                                         | Arnold! }               |<<<             PUSH!                 >>>| }            __/<<<              UNH!                   >>>\__  STOP THAT! } PLEASE?___/<<<                 BREATHE!                  >>>\___ AUGH! }   ____/<<<                     ALMOST THERE!                 >>>\__ }  /<<<                                                            >>\gasp } /<<<                                                                \ } }  Ah, much better.  Thanks for your question, and if you *ever* ask it }  again I take no responsibility for what happens. } } You owe the Oracle Calvin's Transmogrifier/Duplicator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is the first sentence of my question, which wants the Oracle to > know that all the sentences of my question grovel humbly before the > Awesome presence.  The second sentence of my question also succeeds > brilliantly ingroveling, but really doesn't add anything new.  This > sentence, overawed by the performance of the first two, chokes in the > clutch.  The last sentence of the paragraph, in a fit of confusion (it > didn't go like this in rehersal) wanders aimlessly about like a lost > child. > > Boldly reclaiming the path, this sentence starts out a new and improved > paragraph.  This sentence is confident we will finally get to the > point, since it can see the next sentence will, indeed, ask the > question.  This sentence wants to know if there is anything profound in > self-reference. This sentence wonders how the last sentence can be a > question, since it didn't end with a question mark. > > Realizing that writing self-referential sentences is difficult to do > without a terribly contrived style, this sentence calls the whole thing > quits (but still grovels, like all the others).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the first sentence of the Oracle's response.  This is the } second sentence of that response.  This sentence appears several times. }  This is the last sentence of the first paragraph. } } This sentence can serve as either the first or last sentence of a } paragraph, depending on its use.  This sentence is the first to refer } to your first question, about the usefulness of the self-referential } mode of writing.  This sentence identifies your groveling as Pseudo- } Groveling; that is, it only refers to groveling without actually } providing same.  This sentence extends the thought of the previous } sentence by noting that the pseudo groveling is no substitute for the } real thing, but acknowledges that in this case it will have to do. } This sentence can serve as either the first or last sentence of a } paragraph, depending on its use. } } This is actually the third sentence of the first paragraph but has been } placed here in error.  This sentence appears several times.  This } sentence attempts to abandon the self-referential style so that your } question may be answered, but fails.  This sentence makes the same } attempt, but fails just as miserably.  This sentence appears several } times.  This sentence, though not able to abandon self-reference, } nonetheless succeeds in tackling your question in that it postulates } that while the selreferential style may seem horribly vague and boring, } it *does* give ample opportunity for playfulness on the part of the } author.  This sentence notes the awkwardness of the previous sentence } but commends it for at least giving the most information thus far. } This sentence appears several times. } } You double your chances of getting the car if you switch doors.  This } sentence informs you that the previous sentence states the answer to a } different question entirely, namely the infamous Monty Hall problem } that appeared, among other places, in Marylin vos Savant's column in } Parade magazine some time ago.  This sentence augments the previous } sentence by stating that the first sentence of this paragraph had no } business being here.  THIS sentence, in stubborn defiance of the } previous two, maintains that this whole answer is supposed to address } the Monty Hall problem and that, so far, the first sentence of this } paragraph is the ONLY one that belongs here.  This sentence appears } several times. } } A new paragraph is an ideal point to make another attempt to answer } your question, as this one tries to do.  This sentence appears several } times. This sentence appears only once.  This sentence reiterates the } playfulness which self-reference affords the writer.  This clause } agrees with the sentimesnt in the previous sentence, while this one } stresses the extreme verbage that can so easily result. } } This is a one-sentence paragraph. } } This is a two-sentence paragraph.  This sentence appears several times. } } This paragraph serves to apologize for the stupidity of the previous } two paragraphs.  This sentence can only echo the sentiment of the } previous sentence but throwns a monkey wrench in the works by refering } to the subject of groveling, which has absolutely NO business in this } paragraph but cannot at this point be added to the first paragraph. } This sentence appears several times. } } This is the first sentence of the last paragraph of the Oracle's } answer. This sentence acknowledges the strong possibility that you are } very happy about the claim made by the first sentence and verifies that } this is in fact the last paragraph of the answer.  This sentence } reminds you that you need to pay the Oracle for services provided. } This is the final sentence of the final paragraph of the Oracle's } answer, in which it is revealed that you owe the Oracle a } self-referential autobiography, and also that this is a 66-line, } 3775-character answer.