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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where do all these damn dirty dishes come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (The scene: inside the Oracle's celestial palace in the sky. As the } camera turns from the reclining figure of Lisa, seated on clouds, to } the object that she is stroking. It is the Oracle's hair. On his } _head_. The one on his _shoulders_! } } From out of the window, as Lisa feeds the great God of All Knowlege a } grape, comes the sound of a mortal voice calling in the wind. The } Oracle turns, his toga folding around his tastily bemuscled body, he } faces the window, his keen immortal ears attuned brightly to hear the } voice, begging for enlightenment. } } The voice on the wind cries, "where do all these damn dirty dishes come } from?" } } The Oracle turnes, looks at Lisa quizically.) } } Oracle: The little **SHIT** didn't even capitalize the sentance!! } } (As Lisa watches, Oracle summons up his great and mysterious powers, } and... } }            _*****ZOT*****_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } As the dust settles, Lisa sidles up to the Oracle, knowing what he } likes after such awesome demonstrations of his power. Lisa soon } remembers what she and the Oracle had been talking about.) } } Lisa: But Orrie, you know all those damn dirty dishes? Well, do you } know where they come from? } } You owe the Oracle a Brillo[TM] pad and one of those neat sponge things } with the handle that you put detergent in.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A scan of trade magazines, news items, and police reports reveals the } following: } } For approximately the past eight years, shoe salesmen have become } increasingly dissatisfied with their public image as balding, } overweight men in their mid-50's who smell of cigar smoke and go out } every Wednesday night to bowl with their fellow Moose Lodge members and } talk about the women with whom they wish they were cheating on their } wives.  More and more shoe salesman are quitting the Moose Lodge, } stopping smoking, joining health clubs, losing that spare tire and } generally getting more athletic.  This much is a matter of public } record, and you could have found this out from any public library. } } What is not so obvious is that there is a by-product of the shoe } leather tanning process that creates an occupational hazard for shoe } salesmen.  This chemical, which infiltrates the blood system of } approximately 85% of all shoe salesmen, causes a kind of anemia that is } usually harmless -- except in cases where the afflicted person has } undergone recent severe changes in metabolism late in life, e.g. in a } middle-aged person who has recently started exercising heavily, such as } the athletic shoe salesmen discussed in the previous paragraph.  In } such people, the syndrome, known as Lugosi's Syndrome, results in } severe iron deficiency that can only be remedied by frequent ingentions } of liquid supplements that have a high iron content.  (A seondary } effect of this syndrome is severe sensitivity to light.) } } You owe the Oracle a clove of garlic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle whose immensness is immense, please answer me this: > >       Was Alice (from Alice in Wonderland of course) a Voudoun >       priestess? And if she was, where is her copy of the Necronomicon? > > Many large thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Alice never joined the clergy of Voudoun or any other religious } cult, but she did have an curiously interesting life after her } adventures in Wonderland and through the Looking Glass.  For a time, } she enjoyed great success selling psychodelic mushrooms, but the } business went under when all of her regular customers shrunk to three } inches tall and were eaten by a Cheshire cat.  Alice then moved to a } strange and mysterious land known to its inhabitants as "California", } where she found employment as a live-in maid for an architect named } Mike Brady, his wife Carrol, and their six children. The Bradys found } Alice to be hardworking and loyal, but they never could figure out why } she strictly forbade the children from playing chess, or why she almost } had a heart-attack when Bobby left the Queen of Hearts face-up on her } pillow one day.  After the kids were grown and her services were no } longer needed, Alice got a face-lift, moved to Arizona, and became a } waitress in a dive known as Mel's Diner.  Things went fairly well for } Alice, until one night when she and two of her co-workers, Flo and } Vera, got drunk and had a mad tea party that led to their termination. } Currently, Alice is again working as a waitress, this time at the } Walrus and Carpenter Oyster Bar and Grill in Boston, Massachusetts. } } You owe the Oracle a new pocket watch.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnipresent Oracle, who never gets a backlog in any USEnet meeting. > > I am addicted to reading Usenet articles, thios takes up almost all of > my time and I need to cut down on my time reading all these fantastic > articles. > > Is there something like Usenetoholics anonymous or ? > > Help !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  You've taken the first step:  You've admitted you } have a problem.  You are on the road to recovery.  Soon you will be } able to press the "q" key in rn without breaking into a cold sweat. } } It is a little-known fact that I, the Usenet Oracle, also suffer from } a News dependency.  At times I become so absorbed in News that I } neglect my other responsibilities.  Questions from supplicants go } unanswered. Lisa resorts to self-satisfaction, if you know what I mean. }  And all because I MUST read one more article in alt.sex.oracle or } something. } } At Lisa's pleading I finally joined a twelve-step program.  Like your- } self, I managed to admit I have a problem.  But I couldn't get past } the second step.  You see, the second step is "admit to higher power." } } You owe the Oracle a full newsfeed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is deodorant really made of, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deodorant is not made, it is mined.  Deodorant was discovered in the } 1894 by the intrepid South American explorer Sir William Rightguard, } who discovered that certain Andean tribes used a sticky white powder in } strange, but pleasant-smelling, religious rites.  At great risk to his } life, the gallant Sir William violated tribal taboos and made his } escape from the mountain redoubt in the dark of night, carrying a } sample of the mysterious paste. } } Careful chemical anaylsis revealed that the substance was an aluminum } salt heretofore unknown to western science.  A hundred years of fevered } experimentation has failed to discover any artificial process which can } duplicate the rare compound; the certainty of enormous wealth for the } chemist who can devise such a procedure has led to several well-known } frauds and innumerable deaths.  To this day, the West's desparate } hunger for deodorant provides several Andean countries with the } enormous trade surplusses which support their wildly luxurious } life-styles, and which have made Lima and Bogota the financial capitals } of the Western Hemisphere. } } You owe the Oracle a package of five-day deodorant pads, and a gross of } dress shields.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sir, >       This is to inform you that you have failed to file a federal > income tax return for the last 5 years.  You currently owe (including > late fees and interest) $382,476.  To avoid further penalties please > pay the ballance within 90 days. > >                               Your friendly IRS agent.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Sir, }        This is to inform you that you have failed to obey your wedding }  vows for the last 5 years.  You currently owe (including negatives and }  transcripts) $382,476.  To avoid further penalties please pay the }  balance within 90 days. Or we could just call it even. } }                                Your friendly USENET Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, {complimentary superlative adjective} Oracle, whose {noun} I > am unfit to {verb}, > > {question}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} {derogatory adjective} mortal, who doth grovel so {negative adverb}, I } will require that you send me {noun}, after first removing it with a } {noun with a sharp edge}. } } You are a {noun-phrase}.  {verb-phrase} in your {noun-phrase}.  Up your } {noun-phrase}.  Your {noun} wears {plural-noun}.  When the {mass-noun} } hits the {count-noun}, it will not be distributed {adverb}.  {insult}. } {insult}. {racial-slur}. } } {query}?  {noun-phrase} {verb-phrase}.  But I don't give a {slang}. } {slang}.  {nonsense-word}.  {slang}. } } {sentence}. {sentence}. {query}? {sentence}. } } {paragraph}. } } {answer}. } } {supplicant-name} {verb} {article} {deity} {article} {noun-phrase}.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are staning in a large machine room. > > There are several fileservers here. > There is a halon system here. > There are several network gateways here. > There is a large airconditioner here. > There are two red buttons on the wall.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get Bagpipes } }       I see no bagpipes. } } Look buttons } }       The buttons (or is there only one...you seem to have drunk a wee }       bit much last night) are on the wall. } } Push button } }       Which of the seven buttons do you want to push ? } } Push red buttons } }       An angry comedian walks out of one of the gateways, hits you with }       a set of bagpipes, and leaves. To the south, you hear Winston }       Churchill and F. Scott Fitzgerald singing a duet... } }       It's cold in here! } } Get bagpipes } }       I see no bagpipes } } Look } }       You are standing,or rather, are sprawled inside Gateway 3--the }       smallest gateway this side of Gateway 2. A chill wind blows from }       the Northwest. } } Off airconditioner } }       I see no airconditioner here. You are beginning to catch cold. } } NW } }       You are in machine room. There are bagpipes here! } } Get bagpipes } }       Wouldn't you rather turn off the airconditioner ? } } Off airconditioner. } }       The airconditioner seems to have been crazy-glued in the }       "super" position. } }       Your cold is getting worse. } } Push button } }       Which button ? } } THE button } }       The airconditioner turns off. Unfortunately, it is too late for }       you. You die of pneumonia. } }       Out of a possible 150 points, you scored 12. You have earned a }       plaid tartan!!!! } }       Again [y/n].... } } (excerpted from "Bagpipes: the Scottish Adventure Game")

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful Oracle, so full of ways to torment and please a lonely > leathergirl, tell me what She would do to me if She did women...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, well, okay. } } First, she'll tie the carp to your hips.  Then she'll take the masking } tape and attach a spatula to each shoulder blade.  This is to keep you } from squirming too much when the rusty nails are used. } } After that, she starts the Harley and sh } } STOP THE REPLY!  THIS HAS GOTTEN ENTIRELY TOO SILLY!  NEXT THING YOU } KNOW, YOU'LL BE USING THE WORD SEMPRINI!  NOW STOP IT!  BACK TO THE } SKETCH. } } fter the semprini is fully cooked.  Drain in a collandar an } } NO! NO! NO!  CHANGE THE CHANNEL! } } Jugglers on crack, and the women who love them, today on Geraldo } } ARRRRG!  NO!  CHANGE IT AGAIN! } } For donating $100 to Rev. Beagle's Beach Blanket Bible Ministry, we'll } send you your very own Shroud of Turin beach towel! } } FORGET IT.  BACK TO THE ORIGINAL REPLY. } } urse, the carp will probably die, but that's the price of passion. } } You owe the Oracle some cayenne pepper.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     to the one who understands the mysteries of the entire cosmos, the >  5th dimension (and the Four Tops), to she who not only knows but is >  truth i have a quick question: > >       What does P C mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that very soon you are going to have to buy a new dictionary } in order to understand what people are saying.  Here is a little } preview; words in the left-hand column are to be avoided at all costs } and replaced by the corresponding words in the right-hand column. } } Politically Incorrect     Politically Correct } ---------------------     ------------------- } Handicapped               Physically challenged } Dan Quayle                Mentally challenged } Paul Tsongas              Politically challenged } David Duke                Neo-Nazi scum } Blind                     Visually challenged } Deaf                      Aurally challenged } Dumb                      Dan Quayle } Oriental                  Asian } American Indian           Native American } Black                     Oppressed minority } Female                    Oppressed majority } Girls                     Women } Very young girls          Pre-women } Boys                      Boys } White                     Pigmentationally challenged } Male                      Y-chromosomally afflicted } Heterosexual White Male   Scum } Liberal                   Correct } Conservative              Incorrect } Dead                      Metabolically challenged } } As you can see, it's not just a new way of talking, it's a whole new } way of thinking. } } You owe the Oracle an Asian rug.