399-10 (16853 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: firstname.lastname@example.org (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> If a star is 20 light years away, and has a stellar magnitude of
> 2.1, and you travel, by unknown means, towards the star at 30l.334
> times the speed of light, but you are wearing a light reflective
> bodysuit, and have artificial inertia fields compensating for the
> gravitational forces working towards ripping your poor flesh to
> shreds, then how long would it take you to eat a tuna on
> rye....without mustard? In addition, how would it effect the
> situation if you are male or female? Lastly, if you are allergic to
> tuna, and must therefore eat some other form of meat, what meat would
> be the closest in terms of speed, color, and fragrance...not to
> mention agility?
} First of all, any good Physics prof. worth his atomic weight in protons
} will readily tell you that gender has nothing to do with it. That gets
} one problem out of the way.
} Secondly, what you are referring to is the tuna paramagnetism curve
} first discovered and published by Wee No Gettit. The curve, being an
} inversely proportional Electro-parafusical wave configuration of rye
} bread, first used by Noah Comprendo, allows us to generalize about the
} behavior of most sandwich meats at greater than light speeds. Mustard,
} being an external factor rarely used on such journeys, can be
} disregarded as being immaterial as you have correctly pointed out.
} This was first showed by Provmi Rong and later backed up by research
} from the FDA who stringently requires that the mustard be properly
} labelled as being unsuitable for warp speeds as well as cholesterol
} The truth is that we honestly don't know. Until we have the vital
} ability to run the tuna through the Linear Partical Accelerator now
} being built, all of our current knowledge can only lead to speculation.
} It is believed, however, that chipped ham has a very similar
} consistency to tuna at such high velocity. This oracle subscribes to
} this theory as he likes neither sandwich. If it were up to me, all
} creatures travelling through space should be forced to eat roast beef
} with provolone cheese, heavy on the mayo. People, being the
} non-conformists that they are, refuse to accept such sage advice.
} Mores the pity...
} You owe the oracle and artificial inertia field and a way to make money
} off of it.