Goto:

399, 399-01, 399-02, 399-03, 399-04, 399-05, 399-06, 399-07, 399-08, 399-09, 399-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle...my brother Bob says he knows more than you.  I asked > him what number I was thinking of, and he said 34,520, but he was > wrong.  What number am I thinking of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my friend, this depends on a number of personality factors which } you may or may not have at certain values. } } One of these is the perversion factor (high number = nymphomaniac, low } number = impotent or frigid).  If this is very high, the number which } you would tend to be thinking is 69, of course. } } There is also the geek factor, which would tend to make one think of } the number pi (3.14159...). } } Yet another factor is the blonde factor.  The number here is 1, since } most of them can only count that high, thus ruling out all other } numbers. } } There are other factors, but these are some of the more important ones. }  The blonde factor should be low for you, since if it were high, you } would not be able to figure out how to turn on your computer, let alone } send email.  The geek factor must also be low, since if it were high, I } would respond not with a letter but with a high-voltage electrical } surge across the communication line (the less of those types sending me } mail, the better).  This leaves the perversion factor, which I judge to } be high in this case. } } Therefore, you are thinking of 69.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some think that Earth Wind and Fire are the > building blocks of the universe > Still others think they are fire, water, gravel, and vinyl. > Still others think that Hydrogen is the building block of the universe. > Who's right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, humans are such dolts!  It's no wonder the construction industry } is in recession! } } Let's get this straight, people.  A building block has to be something } you can BUILD with!  That rules out wind, fire, water and hydrogen } right off the bat.  No substance there.  If you manage to build } ANYTHING out of them, you'll win the world's prize for civil } engineering.  And don't go on about ice, either.  Ever see an igloo } with a finished basement? } } Now let's take gravel.  Not bad, at least when poured into concrete. } Vinyl is also structurally sound.  When you get right down to it, these } are the only two of your choices that are actually any use for } building. } } What it comes down to is that the building blocks of the universe are } two: Rocks and Plastics.  Everthing out there is made of one or the } other. The Earth is mostly rocks;  its atmosphere is a gaseous plastic } formed from chlorofluorocarbon deposits from aerosol sprays.  The sun } is a rocplastic composite engineered for luminosity.  And the stars are } painted on the plastic celestial sphere with a semigloss by DuPont. } } You owe the Oracle a set of Lego.  And, since you didn't grovel, a set } of Duplo.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why has the bearer of wisdom have no question for me, the mere mortal > Devilish one?  Just when I need you to ask me questions.... you have > abandoned me. Please answer oh great one... > > The Mortal Red Devil...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Milton once said, "They also serve who only stand and wait." Of } course, he was reknowned for leaving small tips.  In any event, silence } is sometimes the most profound question one can ask.  Or is it the most } profound answer?  The Mighty Oracle, omniscient though he is, gets that } sort of thing confused sometimes, especially when Lisa is sucking on his } toes. }       Your desperation is quite understandable.  As Socrates } demonstrated, continued and stubborn questioning is the surest way to } self-actualization, as long as one doesn't mind sipping the occasional } hemlock cocktail.  So, as a demonstration of my all-generous } munificence, I shall present you with the following question, which I } encourage you to ponder for as long as you will: } } > Why has the bearer of wisdom have no question for me, the mere mortal } > Devilish one?  Just when I need you to ask me questions.... you have } > abandoned me. Please answer oh great one... } > } > The Mortal Red Devil... } }       There. Make sense of that one. I certainly couldn't.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh humongously scratchy Oracle, to whom Godzilla is merely an > ambivalent Japanese monster and superhero, to whom pederasty is merely > sexual realations with children, and to a good cigar is merely a smoke, > tell me please: > > A lot of self-important types have been discussing changing the name of > your newsgroup.  How do YOU feel bout this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, and heed my words! } } If you took a big handful of lard and rubbed it all over your body, } including armpits and nostrils, would you be a different person?  No. } } Well, what if you were to take yourself and lie down in the hot sun } until all the lard began to fester and rot?  Would you be a different } person?  No. } } And finally, what if you were to be hit by a blue whale falling } mysteriously from the sky?  Would that change the true inner nature of } your heart and soul and mind?  Yes, because you'd be dead. } } Listen and learn, my children! } } The Great Usenet Oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise of all oraclekind. What's inside a quark?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      "Ah, finally a decent question accompanied by an acceptable } grovel," said the Oracle, getting up to raid the ever-stocked divine } refrigerator.  "Let's see...  pickled supplicant brains, leftover foie } gras...  maybe it's behind the tub of beluga...  Yes, here we are!" } Carefully, the Mighty One removed a small carton labeled 'One Half Dozen } Grade AAA Quarks' and put it down on the counter next to the stove, } where a skillet was already being heated. }      "Okay, one more time," he said, cracking each quark into the } skillet in turn.  "This is your brain." <CRACK> "This is an upper } quark." <CRACK> "This is a downer quark." <CRACK> "This is a top quark." } <CRACK> "This is a bottom quark." <CRACK> "This is a charmed quark" } <CRACK-CHING!> "And this is a strange quark.  Any questions?" } } You owe the Oracle some mushrooms and peppers for his omelette.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh blessed Oracle, whose underwear never bunches up in the back > in that *particularly* uncomfortable way, please enlighten me this: > >     Has Walt Whitman fufilled the role of the American Poet as >     conceptualized by Emerson, or is he in fact just a hairy >     oversexed mountain man with a penchent for writing erotic >     poetry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Emerson's opinion is that Whitman is very close to fulfilling the } role of the American Poet.  However, Lake and Palmer lean towards } the "oversexed hairy mountain man" theory. } } You owe the Oracle a lumberjack who is OK, who sleeps all night and } works all day.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O huge and powerfully phlegmatic oracle, whose sinuses clear the world > of all idiocy, please answer for me the following question: > > What's the difference between a booger and a bugger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} booger:  a globule of phlegm which hangs from the nose.  Also known as }          "nature's Krazy Glue." } bugger:  questioners like you, you little bugger, who think it's cute }          to make fun of the Oracle's immortal shnozzola } } What's the difference? } } You can pick your questioners, and you can pick your nose, but only the } Oracle can pick his questioners from his nose and wipe them on the } couch. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Kleenex (tm).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, knower of the unknowable, decider of the undecidable, > prover of the unprovable, will computer scientists ever determine > rigorously whether P=NP?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and you can be the one to do it (with my help of course).  Here is } the proof: } }       By lemma 13.7 we know that NP=P }       Therefore P=NP Q.E.D. } } The proof of lemma 13.7 is left as an exercise for the supplicant.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and mighty Oracle, whose fame may be about to increase due > to the impending transfer of Thine group of sacred writings, > alt.humor.oracle, to the realm of High Propagation, the rec.* > hierarchy, ... > > How many shall vote for Thy new groups?  And how many against? > And how shalt thou smight down those who dare to vote against Thee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   I can't tell you the results beforehand! You know that! Y'see, while } I'm happily omnipotent and already know excatly upon which newsgroup } I will reaside in the coming months, to tell you would ruin the } suspense. And besides, telling you would affect the outcome of the } vote. By giving this response to your query (both of which, of course, } I anticipated), I am ensuring that the outcome that I foresee shall } take place. So don't bother. }   Now smiting, that's another thing. That's fun in and of itself. If } people vote against it, I may just have to call a rainstorm of a } thousand hailstones the size of watermellons to dump itself on their } brand new BMW. Or, in some cases, I'll have to place two of the } infamous Energizer bunnies - one female, one male - in their homes and } allow them and their children torment them for the remainder of their } known lives. }   But that's just a thought. I can't really tell you some of the } meaner things, cuz that would also change the outcome. } }   You owe the oracle another newsgroup.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   If a star is 20 light years away, and has a stellar magnitude of > 2.1, and you travel, by unknown means, towards the star at 30l.334 > times the speed of light, but you are wearing a light reflective > bodysuit, and have artificial inertia fields compensating for the > gravitational forces working towards ripping your poor flesh to > shreds, then how long would it take you to eat a tuna on > rye....without mustard?  In addition, how would it effect the > situation if you are male or female? Lastly, if you are allergic to > tuna, and must therefore eat some other form of meat, what meat would > be the closest in terms of speed, color, and fragrance...not to > mention agility?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, any good Physics prof. worth his atomic weight in protons } will readily tell you that gender has nothing to do with it.  That gets } one problem out of the way. } } Secondly, what you are referring to is the tuna paramagnetism curve } first discovered and published by Wee No Gettit.  The curve, being an } inversely proportional Electro-parafusical wave configuration of rye } bread, first used by Noah Comprendo, allows us to generalize about the } behavior of most sandwich meats at greater than light speeds.  Mustard, } being an external factor rarely used on such journeys, can be } disregarded as being immaterial as you have correctly pointed out. } This was first showed by Provmi Rong and later backed up by research } from the FDA who stringently requires that the mustard be properly } labelled as being unsuitable for warp speeds as well as cholesterol } free. } } The truth is that we honestly don't know.  Until we have the vital } ability to run the tuna through the Linear Partical Accelerator now } being built, all of our current knowledge can only lead to speculation. }  It is believed, however, that chipped ham has a very similar } consistency to tuna at such high velocity.  This oracle subscribes to } this theory as he likes neither sandwich.  If it were up to me, all } creatures travelling through space should be forced to eat roast beef } with provolone cheese, heavy on the mayo.  People, being the } non-conformists that they are, refuse to accept such sage advice. } Mores the pity... } } You owe the oracle and artificial inertia field and a way to make money } off of it.