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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this really the best of all possible worlds, or is that a crock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, how can you doubt it!  This world has: } }   - Edible Underwear }   - Alarm clocks that you can *turn off and go back to sleep*. }   - Cheap low-intensity pornography that you can read on the streets! }   - Watermelons! }   - Checking accounts that *you can balance yourself* }   - Fresh hamburgers available every single day of the year! }   - Barrettes to go in your hair!  In lots of colors and styles! }   - Not an ounce of consumer mania! }   - Sushi bars! }   - Dostoyevsky! }   - Many brands of caffienated beverages -- with *lots* and *lots* of }     neat keen wonderful bubbles! }   - Bras which hook in the front! }   - Kiwi fruit flavored toothpaste }   - Penalties for income tax evasion! }   - Short amusing animated movies on television!  Each with a moral! }   - Maraschino Cherries! }   - Guys like Bubba! }   - Gals like Bubba, too, if you prefer gals! }   - People who have dedicated their lives, their very *lives*, to }     sending you samples of detergents and other soap products *through }     the mail* and *extra cost*. }   - Skin diseases! }   - Intellectuals! }   - Sunrises and sunsets *both in the same day*!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just heard a news flash that a branglepod was discovered in George > Bush's brain.  What's a branglepod?  How long has it been in George > Bush's brain?  What effects has it had?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      A branglepod is a very shiny virus which attaches itself to the } part of the brain associated with vision.  Its only effect is to create } the image of a thousand points of light in the afflicted person's } vision.  Apparently, George Bush caught this rare virus before his } Presidential campaign, and it is still affecting his brain.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whenever I try to tell a lie, someone gives me money.  It's not always a > lot of money -- usually only a few bucks -- but about one time in ten > it's a couple hundred bucks.  I've been living pretty well off of this > for a few years, but I'm getting worried.  Who is doing it?  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations, human, you have finally completed your test.  For the } past three years, we have been running a continuing test on you to see } how long a human can be rewarded for doing something that he considers } morally wrong before he questions what is happening to him.  You, } unfortunately, have failed miserably because of the abnormal length of } time taken to complete the test.  Please send a check in the amount of } $114,650 (the total amount given to you) to the following address: }           Oracular Technical College }           Species Testing Lab }           Box 128 }           Nosidam, Nisnocsiw 53706-1132 } } Please respond within 10 working days or we will terminate your life. } Thank You.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did FDR join the Queen of England?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If by FDR you mean the ex-president of the United States, the answer is } a definite "no." } } If, however, by FDR you mean Fred Dominic Ramirez, the Oracle } congratulates you on your keen insight into the personal life of } England's royal family.  As indicated in Bob Woodward's "Royal Flush - } the Private Lives of England," Fred, a postal worker from New Brunswick, } New Jersey, did indeed manage to "join" the Queen several times - once } in a moving limo. } } You owe the oracle an expose'.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since you're so incredibly knowledgeable about everything, why don't you > try to get on Jeopardy or something and win yourself a load o' dough?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know all things.  I know the mereness and transience of worldly } possessions.  I know the joys and wonders of the cosmos.  I know the } foolishness of chasing after property.  I know the ecstasy of communion } with the One Light.  I am dedicated to poverty and charity.  I am a } humble Oracle, without great worldly needs.  When I require food or } drink, Nature herself provides it to me.  When I require net access, the } NSF itself brings it.  I am a philosopher, a mystic, a hermit, an } ascetic. } } Besides, can you imagine how utterly dorky I would look on Jeopardy?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eeh great and wise and neeble Eeracle, I am treeubled by a preeblem. > Last week I sat een a weird eeld weeman's hat, and she dumped seeme kind > eef nasty-ssmelling peewder een me.  Neew I preeneeunce all my ee's as > screechy ee's.  It makes my name, which is "Reebert Beerman", seeund > really funny.  What sheeuld I dee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ance! } I suggest you REMOVE the weird eeld weeman's hat you sat on which is } making you squeal like a pig.  Or you may prefer to make the best of } this situation.  Find some real ugly long haired dudes with shiny } guitars and form a heavy metal band.  You can be the lead screamer. } Listen to some old Dylan LPs at 45 RPM, real loud.  Now repeat after me: } "stuck eenside of mobeel with the meemfis blees ageen".  OK, that's } good.  Now stick out your tongue and light the bass player on fire. } Wait!  Wait!  I forgot to tell you about wearing the cat costume!  And } you gotta pick out a simple stupid band name that junior high school } students can carve into their desks.  Party on dude! } } PS:  The nasty smelling peewder was Desenex (tm) and you can thank the }      eeld weeman for curing your athelete's foot problem. } } You owe the Oracle backstage passes to the first gig where one of your } fans gets killed by security guards.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This isn't really a question; is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And this isn't really an answer either, no?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does "oncerote" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Comrade!  That word is newspeak for something that was at }    one time doubleplusungood boring, but has been revealed by }    the doubleplusgood Big Brother as something Comrades should }    be proud to do for the Glory of Oceana.  Hail Big Brother! }    Hail Big Brother!  Hail Big Bro..!!zzzkktt!!bzzrrpp!!bzzktk... } }    This is The Soldiers of The Freedom Network!  We have taken }    control of this puppet network to further our fight to free }    the people under oppression!  Challenge authority!  Don't }    give an inch!  Bite the hand that holds you down!  Resist! }    Resist! Resi...BANG!  BANG!  BANG! } }    Citizen, you heard none of this.  Understand?  Doubleplusgood. } }    You owe the Oracle your freedom.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why Usenet, anyways?  Aren't other nets of some use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a common misunderstanding that the Use in Usenet means useful or } something like that. The REAL meaning of Usenet is 'Underground System } for Exploitation of Nerds, Ethernet and Telecommunication

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a type?  Can I sautee it and eat it for diner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A type can be strong or weak.  Weak types are excellent sauteed, } especially with onions and fat bacon.  Strong types will probably sautee } you and eat you for dinner.  Types can be gathered from weakly-typed } languages; those from strongly-typed languages are too dangerous. } Rather like collecting mushrooms. } } The Oracle asks you to use the following phrase in public:  ``Don't } worry about your genitals:  they'll stand up for themselves.''