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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh most wise Oracle, why is it there are so many stupid Pepsi > commercials during the Super Bowl, even though noone in their right > mind would drink the stuff, which I have recently found out is made > from reprocessed varnish with a little bit of coloring.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You only just found that out? Gee, whiz, don't you pay attention? Why } only last year someone asked me, "What is Pepsi made of?", and that, of } course, is the answer I gave them. Anyways, the answer to your question } is obvious, and like Socrates, I shall respond to you in the form of a } question. Why do you suppose that millions and millions of Americans } are convinced that they will be cast out of society if they don't smear } paste on their underarms daily? Why do people call 976 numbers, despite } the fact that they will be speaking to someone's grandmother for } $5/minute? Why do so many people think 'less filling' when they hear } the words 'tastes great'? For that matter, why do generally sane people } become maniacs annually on a certain Sunday in January? Why ask Why? } Hmm, I'm getting that not so fresh feeling. Guess I need a break today. } } You owe the oracle the Swedish Bikini Team, and some Doublemint twins } (without the green, please).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ack! My Usenet connection is down! I need a fix! Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usenet addiction is one of the three most horrifying self- } inflicted withdrawels known to medical science, so it is no wonder } that you are discovering a sharp, painful need right about now. } It's almost horrifyingly nasty to be caught in the horrid } nausea that three or four days without Rec.Arts.Startrek.Whatever } and Alt.This.Alt.Group.Has.A.Dumb.Name, so I truly feel for you. } What is more, I am happy to be able to tell you about Netomillon III, } a new drug designed to wean you off the effects of usenet slowly } and carefully.  It is made by carefully distilling key flamewars } from soc.singles, alt.sex, and rec.arts.sf_lovers, mixing in a } neutral alt.config base, and then extrating and suspending } in a news.groups.announce medium.  I have some right here, } to alliviate your suffering. } } But I'm not going to give it to you. } } You have to learn to GROVEL if you want something from the Oracle. } } You owe the oracle an account on the Cleveland Freenet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, "immortal of color," who finds it easy being green, > > Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other > side?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} People always like to sing about things they know nothing about. } Please notice that most of those songs are rather dull, sappy, and } contain no intellectual themes whatsoever.  I have been to the other } side of the rainbow and I'll be more than happy to tell you what is } there.  It is a big, dark, black hole where everything gets sucked into } it.  Quite honestly, it is not a very pretty sight, and certainly not } the kind of place you'd want to take your kids to for their Summer } vacation.  Did you ever hear anybody singing about a black hole? Of } course not... } } The most realistic picture would probably be the famous "Wizard of Oz". } It is nowhere near a black hole that realism would require, but } witches and flying monkeys are not the most attractive things either. } Honestly, I suggest that you take all of your rainbow records into the } back yard and burn them in a great big bonfire.  Invite the neighbors } and have them burn theirs too.  Maybe you could BBQ their little dog } Toto as well. } } You owe the oracle a promise to get High Priest Kinzler to make my } oracular algorithm less cynical.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, before asking you my question, allow me to explain > my situation. > > I am in a small, dark room, standing up to mid calf in a vat of > strawberry flavored jello.  There is a very short, elderly man standing > in front of me with a small jar of capers in one hand and a fully > automatic self-loading submachine gun in the other.  I would leave, but > he has lashed my tongue to my right leg.  I notice that his socks do > not match.  Now that the formalities are done, my question is this. > Should I tell him that the cat is in the garage, or tell him the truth? >  (by the way, his wife went to the store to buy the 50 cans of cooked > spinach half an hour ago.  She has not yet returned).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You IDIOT!  You MORON!  I told you explicitly NOT to feed the roast } pork to the goat, but you went right ahead and did it, didn't you! } And on a Friday as well.  Still, at least his wife got the hint when } you threw the jellied eels at the mongoose and went to buy the spinach. } } Now, what to do?  The man knows that the cat is not in the garage } because of the existence of the minced beef in the cabbage patch. } But telling the truth would not be very useful since he is likely } to take umbrage and feed you the capers between two slices of grass- } hopper bread.  So your suggestions are not useful.  It would be better } if you were to take the surgical spirit out of the suitcase and boil } it with the mushy peas until the solution in the Thermos flask turns } yellow.  Then, and only then, can you do your impression of Napalm } Death singing the Saint Winifred's School Choir song. } } Of course, if I were in your situation I wouldn't be in your situation } in the first place. } } You owe the Oracle an example of floccipaucinihilipilification.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnieverything Oracle, whose everything I am not worthy to do > anything with. Whose any part of the body is blinding me with its sheer > radiance of eternal wisdom. > > I am writing a risk analysis, and I have a small question on this. > Is it ethic to include a risk factor saying that there is a risk that > all risks are not considerated ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's a risk that a risk is riskier than you thought. } } There's a risk that a risk is frisky and un-caught. } } There's a risk that your whisk would twist your wrist; there's a risk } that your cask would splinter at last and mask your flask. } } There's a risk that your disk would crinkle your RISC. } } There's a risk that your nasty rascal would bask in Alaska, or ask } your tasty spacy Lacy out someplace spicy. } } Still, let your risk analysis be Freudian while you are jung. } } You owe the Oracle a coracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, you master of this universe...tell me, why is that so > that I do not understand a single woman in this planet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, you appear to have some problem with communication.  And, } this is just E-mail, where you can take all the time that you want to } edit your words.  I can just IMAGINE what it's like to talk to you in } person! . . . Wait, that would be why the women don't understand YOU. } The reason that you don't understand women is the same reason that the } rest of us don't: they are WOMEN!  They OWN us!  They CONTROL us!  We } only understand what they WANT us to understand! . . .  Well, not ME, } of course; I'm the Oracle. I know EVERYTHING!  I understand ALL!  No } one controls ME!  I tell you-- } }       Orrie!  What are you going on about? } }       Uh...nothing, Lisa, dear.  Just some foolish mortal asking } about... about...uh...hmmm...what the hell WAS he asking about? } }       Oh, nothing important, I'm sure. <devilish grin>  Come with me. } }       But, I was...uh...what WAS I doing? } }       You were coming with me, Orrie. <another devilish grin> } }       Oh...uh...right. } }       Go on into the bedroom, Orrie, dear.  I'll be right there. } }       Ok. } } You owe Orrie and I some peace!  Stop the stupid questions about women, } sex, love, etc., etc...  Get a life, and figure out what to do } yourselves! } } Oh, and Priesties, darlings, you want to put this in the Oracularities } for all to see. <yet another devilish grin>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You, Oracle, are the most outspoken, all-knowing, all-around-groovy > guy in the universe.  I have a small question for you.  If the shortest > way to get from A to B is a straight line, where are A and B?  I've > never seen them on any map.  I've never heard of ANYONE going to either > place.  Do A and B exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Since a line has only a single dimensional aspect and we view }    the world around us as a multi dimensional system, we may further }    assume that there are "lines" everywhere. } }       With these "straight lines" everywhere and virtually infinite }    in number, we then realize that there are two (2) endpoints for }    each of these lines - infinity x 2, as it were. } }       Since the points are infinite and exist everywhere, we can }    consider A and B to even be the same point and that "ANYONE" is }    *always* at both A and B - simultaneously.  Therefore, one will }    never be "going to either place" - they're already at BOTH! } }       Obviously, this bit of unsound logic will dash the hopes of }    an already-impoverished travel industry and this message should }    not be forwarded to anyone.  At the same time, one might wonder }    HOW this message can be forwarded to anyone - in theory, it is }    already there! } }       Hmmmm .......

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  The ORACLE is applied AI >      which is applied GOVERNMENT >          which is applied POLITICS >              which is applied ADVERTISING >                  which is applied SOCIOLOGY >                      which is applied PSYCHOLOGY >                          which is applied BIOLOGY >                              which is applied CHEMISTRY >                                  which is applied PHYSICS >                                      which is applied MATH >                                          which is applied PHILOSOPHY >                                              which is applied BULLSHIT

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmm... another word snorter... } } The universe, my fine infinitesimal crawling human supplicant, is an } n-dimensional series of applications. You, with your splendidly budding } yet still somewhat partially baked intellect have managed to uncover } one of an unimaginably immense (to you and yours) number of strings of } applications. } } On that wonderful day (which I will not deign to reveal) that the } giant armadillo of enlightenment lumbers up behind you and delivers } that long-awaited bonk on the noggin, you will realize to your } delight that you too, as a card carrying member of this bizarre- } beyond-belief collection of energy packets, are an application } with a virtually unlimited number of highly amusing application } strings dangling all the way back to a bunch of uppity microbes, } and beyond. } } You owe the Oracle a Connection Machine. Turn in your tab key.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> These are DARK TIMES for all mankinds HIGHEST VALUES! > These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY! > These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP > out of MEGATON MAN!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello.  This is the Usenet Oracle.  I am unable to come to the phone } right now, but if you leave your name, status (God, Demon, } Peon..err..Mortal) and a short message, I'll get back to you as soon as } possible.  If you need to speak with someone right now, press 0 and the } pound sign and you will be connected with my secretary.  Thank you for } your call. } } You owe the Oracle a real phone answering machine message.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                Oh Wonderous and Mighty Oracle please tell me... > >                       Where has all my disk space gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Last time I saw it, it was going to the Space Bar for a few beers with } its friends Hyper Space, White Space and Outer Space. } } Never mind, you can call it back any time by using the fabulous } application rm (Recall Memory) with options -r /. } } You owe the Oracle a couple of hundred miscellaneous gifs.