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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Incalculable Oracle, who's breath is as fresh as the Highland air, > who's presence I am not fit to grace, tell me: > > Why did Shakespeare start that famous line: > "To be or not to be, that is the question, whether 'tis....." > when it would have made life a lot easier for English students > everywhere if he had started it: > "True, that is the question, whether 'tis....." > > This, of course, is mathematically correct, because (A v ~A) = TRUE.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wrong-o, you ignorant classical logician.  He said  "2B v ~2B", not } "B v ~ B".  That doesn't even typecheck in ordinary classical logic, } 'cause even a dorfy numbskull like you knows that you can't multiply } Boolean values by numbers.  No, Shakespeare, like most world-class } logician playwrights, was working in Halmos's Logic of the Reals, } which uses the quasilattice of finite sets of real numbers for truth } values.  It doesn't even *have* a notion of TRUE.  2B is an } abbreviation for B+B, that is, the set of all sums of two elements of } B.  ~C, for any C, is the sets of negatives and reciprocals of } elements of C; and disjunction v is defined as for probability: } B v C = B + C - BC = {b1 + c1 - b2c2 | b1,b2 in B, c1, c2 in C} } } So none of your lip about working in some stupid classical } interpretation of logic.  Ain't you never heard of poetic licence, } dumbfronk?  That means that a poet can work in *whatever* *kind* *of* } *logic* *they* *fucking* *want*, even something as crazy as Halmos' } logic. } } You owe the Oracle a definition of conjunction in Halmos' logic, such } that De Morgan's laws and the distributive laws hold.  Pronto.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get more out of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, in just a thousandth of a picosencond, the Oracle got file, lie, } if, fie, and ilfe (don't ask, you'll understand soon) out of LIFE. } } But somehow I think you wanted a different answer.  So grovel next } time. } } <Auto-Lisa interrupt number G276>: I think you place far too much } importance on debasement.  Answer the question better. } } Now why did I ever teach her how to program in C for the Unix shell? } } Alright, a better answer. } } Have you ever wondered exactly *why* you aren't getting enough out of } life?  Do you think there's some massive conspiracy against you, or are } you finally ready to admit it's your fault?  Now look here, I can't } exactly describe your daily activities as maximizing life's potentials, } or for that matter even barely interesting.  I mean, if you want more } out of life, you have to be prepared to get up off your fat behind and } actually TRY to get something!  What in khel do you expect to get just } handed to you?  WHAT??? } } <Auto-Lisa interrupt number R12>: Orrie dear, I think you need to } relax. } } Ah, er, excuse me.  Got a little out of hand there.  Uhhh, but you } needed it!  Yeah, that's right!  It was just one of those thingies, a } motivational thingy, that kind of thing where I needed to give you some } sort of psychological shock to your system to make you realize what's } happening.  Yes, that must have been it.  Of course, since I am } omniscient, I knew that all along.  In fact, this paragraph has been } part of that scheme, and I dare you to prove that it hasn't.  So there. } } <Auto-Lisa interrupt number I69>: Now that you have some spare time, } Orrie dear, I'm waiting in the bedroom... } } Oh yes, *that's* why I taught her... } } You owe the Oracle a psych textbook, a dozen roses, and a case of } Schlitz.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many UNIX users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Five: }       one to locate the man pages for the light switch, }       one to decode the command-line arguments for the bulb-changing }        program (written to be portable to any light socket, of course), }       one to ftp the latest version of the light bulb from a trusted }        anonymous file server, }       one to write a device driver /dev/bulb, }       and one to complain to the sys.admin when the switch is out of }        reach. } }       You owe the Oracle a date with Kernighan or Ritchie. } }               THIS ORACULARITY INSPECTED BY MELISSA ROTH

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderous oracle, on whom the fate of the > universe has often rested in the past (Hey, we're still here, ain't > we?!) answer your humble supplicant this humble question... > > I have tried everything to get Susie to love me.  I've bought her > flowers, sent her candy, called her at 3:00 AM, showed her my scar, > etc.  Why doesn't she love me anymore?  I mean, ever since I got those > front row seats at the tracker pull, she's been really standoffish. > She doesn't even enjoy watching the World Wrestling Federation on TV > anymore.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clk.  You have reached the Oracle.  All our lines are busy now (even } the Oracle has to deal with mortal means of communication), so we are } shunting your question to Madam Fayke's Tarot Line. } } <Bzzt Bop Ding> } } Clk.  You have reached the spiritual abode of Madam Fayke.  All our } Tarot decks are busy consulting with the Astral Plane right now, so we } will have to substitute an ordinary deck of playing cards right now. } } <Bzzt Bop Ding Shuffle Shuffle> } } Card #1: The Eight of Spades. } This card represents the time at which you called Susie (corrected for } Universal Oracular Time, of course).  The spades, which look like a } heart with a spear in the center, obviously show this was a bad idea. } Women get grouchy when they don't get enough sleep.  What this does to } their usually unstable frame of mind is part of what you're } experiencing now. } } Card #2: The Five of Clubs. } This card represents the age at which you were when you recieved the } injury that became the scar that you showed Susie.  I think.  Grammar. } Anyhow, the club looks like the pierced heart of the spade, except it } has partly deflated due to the serious trauma.  Maybe leave out the } scar next time. } } Card #3: The Eight of Hearts. } This card represents the eight roses that you sent her (too cheap for a } dozen, eh?  Don't worry, women don't care about logic like that).  The } mutilated, deflated, dysfunctional heart is totally healed and patched } up and has regained its healthy, red color.  Good move. } } Card #4: The Seven of Clubs. } This card represents the seven male friends you brought along to what } she thought was an intimate date at the "tracker" pull.  Not very } smart, eh?  The total of the cards thus far is twenty eight, which is } seven (the value of this card) divided by four (the position of this } card). This shows that this is the major turning point in the } relationship. The heart which had just been doing so well has now died } utterly and completely again.  The deck must be reshuffled after this } "power" card. } } <shuffle shuffle> } } Card #5: The Eight of Clubs. } This card represents the eight hours of WWF that you watch every week. } As you can see, it doesn't do anything towards helping you get Susie. } Shape up, get a life, and stop watching.  Sell the dolls and the } trading cards, and buy her more roses (better be a dozen this time) } with the money. } } Card #6: The Three of Diamonds. } This card represents the only thing that's left, the box of candy.  You } should have gotten her three diamonds instead, the candy was too } little, too late. } } We at Madam Fayke's hope this reading has enriched your life and solved } your problem.  We now return you to the Oracle. } } <Bzzt Bop Ding> } } Since I already know what "MF" has told you, I can sum up her advice } briefly.  GET A LIFE!  Pay some attention to the poor dear! } } You owe the Oracle a more relaxed Tarot deck, a dozen roses, and a case } of Schlitz.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle wise, who commandeth such might, > Please tell me how to be rid of this plight. > > I love one so sweet, so active, so giddy, > Though she is not glam'rous, she is still quite pretty. > > For all this, alas, there is still one glitch: > The woman I love IS A CELIBATE BITCH!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Truly, your quandary is quite a rub; } Your pleadings unheeded, your flowers did flub, } } Your candy was eaten, your roses did wilt, } your Hallmark was lost and your Bourgogne was spilt. } } She told you dark passions for your 'mmortal soul, } and she drank the Scorpion and took home the bowl. } } She asked for your hands, which she held in her lap, } You moved but an inch, and you felt such a slap } } You stuttered and bumbled, and cried for her peace } She dialed nine-one-one and talked to the police } } And now you're awaiting your trial at Verdun } You're hoping that she truthfully was twenty-one } } No human pain was worth your elation } You owe me im-med-i-ate grat'fication.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> F*cking sh*thead pisser of a c*nt-lapper stole my wallet too.  Where'd > it go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to be upset.  I'll take your lack of groveling to } mean that you *are* upset, and so therefore you don't quite } realise how close you are to total destruction.  Well, anyhow.... } } Your wallet, in making it's daring escape (whether from you } or the person he took it, I will not hazard to guess) took } a bullet to the change-purse and had to stagger its way into } an alley.  There, an enigmatic woman found the bleeding } wallet and took him to a top secret base, where they reconditioned } him and added any number of cybernetic functions and parts.  Now } the wallet was capable of instantly counting all the money it held, } it could read and duplicate the magnetic strips of any cards } slipped inside it, it could take photographs, and it could instantly } send this information to the National Security Agency's datanets, } all at the drop of a hat.  So, you'll understand if National Security } prevents me from telling you precisly where your wallet is, but } keep an eye on the news.  It's been on CNN three times already. } } You owe the Oracle a leather purse (for him to give to Lisa)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle whose keyboards I am not fit to type on, answer your > humble supplicant's question... > > What do I have to do to get Brad Templeton to print my jokes on > rec.humor.funny?  I mean, I'm a very funny fellow!!!  Each month, I > proofread them and mail them in and each month I get the standard > rejection letter from that auto reply daemon of his.  *sigh*  I even > send them to the right address depending on the topic.  What must I do > to get published?  Isn't there some way to tickle Mr. Templeton's funny > bone?  How can I get a real sense of humor that he will appreciate? > > WAIT!  Maybe you can help.  If you made the response to this question > REALLY REALLY FUNNY, you could make sure that everyone votes really > high for this question and thus ensure that it makes the year's best > and gets on rec.humor.funny!  Oops... Almost forgot.  My name is > anonymous on this letter.  *sigh*  Oh well... Back to the drawing > board...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoo, boy, you just really blew it friend. I happen to *be* Brad } Templeton (the Oracle and I go way back) and I was just testing this } new PS-2000XL Humour Modulator. That question was pretty funny. heh } heh. ...not fit to type on your keyboards... that's good kid. Well, at } least not too bad. Er, actually, it sort of sucked, but this Modulator } went off the scale! Lessee, this computer of the Oracle's  is pretty } complicated, let's see if I can figure out who called... } >trace mode exe } %   Tracing... } %   List call number, please... } <Lesse here, the thing says...um....4346343. Okay...> } >4345343 } %   Tracing... } %   Trace complete! } %   Type "q trace f 3646" for more... } <Okay...> } >q trace f 3646 } %   Enter password for trace analysis... } <What is this? The Oracle getting pretty strict lately...Lessee...> } >###### } %   Password incorrect... } %   Try again... } <Hmmm.....> } >######## } %   Password correct... } %   Retrieving... } %   Do you wish to execute autodaemon.flame.mortal? } <Hmmmm...What's this?> } >sure } %   Flaming... } %   Forign mortal flamed... } %   Warning! Trace information will be dumped after close of file... } >q why } %   Processing... } %   To save memory and keep the Oraclevax running most economically, } %   all info that has been labled useless will not be stored unless } %   specifically ordered.  In this case, the mortal in question has } %   been flamed into pile of charred carbon crisps, via } %   autodaemon.flame.mortal. } <oops...> } >qquit } %   Quiting Trace mode... } } Well, there you have, another example of why the Oracle should not let } me use his computer. Anyway, since you're a pile of crisps on the } floor, I guess you don't owe me anything. At least I got rid of the } gamete-head, he was starting to bug me with his requests to be on } rec.humor.funny. Oh well...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, mighty and powerful Oracle, whose level of wisdom I am not > worthy to contemplate, I humbly beg of you to answer my question. > What's going to happen now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm.  This doesn't seem to be a very significant question.  Most } querents ask profound or otherwise self-important questions, such as: }       Does Carole love me? }       How can I improve my sex life? }       Where's your towel? } } But you just want to know what happens next, right? } } In that case, I have such a deal for you.  It's new Light } Prognostications, from Fate Watchers.  Just open the package and } microwave on HIGH for about 10 seconds.  Instant prediction!  Here's } what popped up for you: } }       Scientists will discover that Lou Gehrig's dying of Lou Gehrig's }       disease was NOT a coincidence; } }       Dan Quayle is actually the voice of Pinnocchio; } }       Picking up pennies is only $7.20/hour; } }       You will be eaten by rabid Smurfs. } } You owe the Oracle a Seal a Meal.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. > > Do you agree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. } } You owe the Oracle an online Latin dictionary, with the congugation } plug-in module.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, why am I angry so much these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Because, my insignificant supplicant, aliens from the planet } Groth are inducing anger in you.  It's all part of an on-going test } which the Grothians have been performing for thousands of years, now. } See, before the Grothians came along, you human beings were all just } sickeningly happy and worry-free people.  So, the Grothians, being very } curious and scientific people, decided to conduct a little experiment } on you and your kind.  They began using their natural telepathic } abilities to influence the human beings' emotions, causing random } bursts of anger, hatred, violence, etc.  The results of the Grothians' } tests are quite interesting.  They have now found precisely 4,345,927 } different, non-related mental images, which when projected on the human } mind, induce murderous psychosis.  Their goal is to find 5,000,000 such } images.  Your anger was merely a failed attempt at finding another } image.  What is the point of these tests, you ask?  There is no point, } the Grothians are just having some fun.  But, not to worry, I calculate } that the Grothians will fulfill their goal and leave in a mere 873 } years, causing only 4 more major World Wars. } } You owe the Oracle a .GIF collection of all of the } murderous-psychosis-inducing mental images.