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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who knows all there is to know about Zagnut bars, > etc..., > > My question is: > >       Why do people park in driveways and drive in parkways?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle. } }    I think, my pious neophyte, your question should refer not to people } but rather to suits.  These are of course the main users of both } driveways and parkways, certainly of the CO belching beasts they seem to } require for all but the most menial of tasks (eg.  ordering steak } dinners and manhattans, frequenting hookers, etc, etc...). }    Driveways conjure up images of the suburban wastelands that are the } habitat of the horny toed suit.  Parkways, by extension of the metaphor, } are the migration routes from this habitat to the inner city ( read } *civilisation* ).  The horny toed suit can be found (at any time!) } travelling along these routes. }    An excellent example of the horny toed suit is presented in the novel } "MONEY" by Martin Amis.  Although the suit here presented is of the } British variety, he is certainly worthy of inclusion in the North } American flock and his habits closely mirror those of his transatlantic } cousins. }    Of course to park in driveways is a mean and evil example of just how } insidious the automobile manufacturers are and illustrates superbly the } conspiratorial nature of their existence.  A park is supposed to be a } beautiful, quiet, green place to go and relax, play frisbee, Acky Sac } and baseball, drink beer and other intoxicants, etc., so the murderous } lot at GM, Chrysler and Ford (this was before the evil Japanese } manufacturers invaded, and anyway their word for driveway is difficult } to spell with the limited ASCII character set and you would probably } have a hard time pronouncing it anyway) thought that it would be a good } idea to spread the usage of park as a verb. }    Similarly, to drive on parkways shows how city planners are involved } in this conspiracy (through kickbacks and the like).  These "planners" } are those responsible for the so-called parkway, which was thus named } since ALL parkways slice right through as many parks as hu-personly } possible (excuse the political correctness).  This calls for a short } anecdote. } }    "Which WAY should we put this big mother of a road?," asked Joe the } nasty city planner.  "We should put it through that PARK over there," } answered his evil cohort Jack.  "I just thought of something," Joe } responded, being quick on his feet, for a suit, "we should call it a } PARKWAY!".  Of course this was greeted with a chorus of YEH's!  (One of } several words that city planner/suits are good at.) After that the } automobile executives (read *$1000 suits*) with their mean, pinched, } bitter, evil faces (Thanks for W.S.  Burroughs) handed over big money to } Joe and Jack and the other cohorts earlier mentioned.  Dave Berry told } me that this was TRUE!  (Usually Dave consults me but once and a while I } let him give me some advice just so that he doesn't get cranky). } } You owe the Oracle a Thanksgiving dinner of Horny Toed Suit (Blech!). } On second thought, NAAAA, it probably tastes like sh*t since it has no } taste. } } Nice day, } } Steeve

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, master of all minds, source of all Cheez Whiz, tell me: > > Which came first, the chicken or the Wenkel rotary engine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the Wenkel engine, of course! Let's see if I can find } the footage of that fateful day in my databanks: } } % search -v -a -x -s -u -c -k -s Wenkel } search: < whirr, churn, seek, read, write, i/o, blend, puree > } search: < beep > } The film you requested is #8948687687646876873.438623 } } Hmm... seems to have found it. Let play it back: } } % play #8948687687646876873.438623 } } DR> Igor, come here, I want you! } } IGOR> Duh, yes doc? } } DR> Igor, my new Wenkel engine is finished! Throw the switch to run it }     for the first time! } } Igor> Duh, ok. But, doc? What is a weener engine? } } DR> You knucle skull! Don't ask stupid questions! How am I supposed }     to know what a Wenkel engine is? I just made the damn thing! Now }     turn it on like a good [brain dead, hunchbacked, slobbering] }     assistant and let's see what it is. } } Igor> Duh. OK. <Click. Whirr, sputter, die, wheeze, cough, puke, die > }       Duh. Doc? That didn't sound too good. } } DR> Of course not, you, you, you... you brain dead, hunchbacked, }     slobbering idiot! Now just a second while I adjust the Wenkel... }     <Squeek, clunk, pop> There, that should do it. Now flip the switch }     again, Igor. } } Igor> Duh. OK. <Click. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm> } } DR> It works! I works! I can't believe it! It works! But, why is it }     speeding up? It's getting out of control! Igor! Shut it off! }     Quickly Igor! QUICKLY! } } Igor> Duh. Doc? Which one is off again? } } DR> THE RED ONE! THE RED ONE! PUSH IT! } } Igor> Duh. OK. You don't have to scream... I can hear you over the }       weener engine just fine, although it's a bit loud. } } DR> Push the RED one!!!!! } } Igor> Duh. OK. } } <Click. Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. POP! > } } DR> Oh no! The main casing cracked open! It got too hot! Igor! I told }     you to push the button! Now my wonderful Wenkel engine (whatever it }     was) is ruined. } } Igor> Duh. Sorry. Duh, Doc? What's that coming out of the weener }       engine? It looks like a little turkey. } } DR> My God! Igor, you're right. It's a bird! } } Narrator> And that, boys and girls, is how the chicken was created. } } play: End of film } } % logout } } Well! There you have it. Not only do you know how the chicken was } created, but also which came first, the chicken or the Wenkel engine. } } You owe the Oracle a text on the Wenkel engine and it's uses. Throw in } a dead chicken too, or I'll <Zot> you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, please gaze into your crystal ball and tell me, > should I look for another job? > >   Yours, > >     Troubled

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Troubled:  As I gaze down upon your puny little life I see you } pondering the worth of your job.  Well, now there is a new, oracle } sanctioned way to gauge your job satisfaction: }       Start with 0 points }       For each of th following questions answer yes or no: } 1.  Does your job involve going on your knees on a regular basis? } 2.  Are you sometimes glad that you can't open the window in your }     office. } 3.  Are there at least 10 different types of vice-presidents at }     your job? } 4.  Did your last raise come when Kennedy was president? } 5.  To your co-workers shake their heads and shudder when they see you? } 6.  Does the uniform for your job consist of a T-shirt and a paper hat? } 7.  Do you find yourself being aroused by the concept of a good night's }     sleep? } 8.  Have you contemplated putting rat-poison in your boss' coffee? } 9.  Do you use the Oracle to escape? } 10. Do you find yourself carrying a coffee cup too and from work and }     jingle change in it in hopes of getting enough to start that door to }     door stationary buisiness? } } Scoring: }       0-2:  What are you thinking?  Keep that job.  Work for free even! }       3-6:  Only take a new job if it pays more or the bosses secratery }             smiles at you }       6-9:  Get out of there before you buy a gun and try to hijack }             a bus to cuba. }       10:   You're perfectly normal.  Keep your job. } } You owe the Oracle the 10,000 question purity test.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my girlfriend opt for a fairly easy major (elementary > education) and depend on my very hard major (chemical engineering) to > support us in the futre?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you think you know from the future?  Silly presumptuous, mortal... } Let's take a little trip shall we?  To the home of you and your wife- } to-be about twenty years from now... } } <A spacious living room, tastfully decorated in early 21st century } style> } } You: [Wearing an apron, coming out from the kitchen in response to the }      sound of the door opening.  She's got you on a short leash, hasn't }      she?]  Hello, dear, how was your day?  [A peck on the cheek?  Aw, }      how cute!  You're going to be the very model of a male June }      Cleaver!] } Her: I made a killing on Geometry futures and sold short on Trig.  You }      know, I think turning the American educational system over to an }      exchange market was probably the best thing to ever happen to this }      country. } You: What about Chemistry?  How's the Chemistry market? } Her: Sorry hon, it doesn't look good for you.  Ever since the }      Japanese... } You: No!  Don't say that word!  Aaaaaaaargh!  You know I can't stand to }      hear the 'J-word'!  [Tsk, tsk, your psychiatric bills are going to }      be a bit high, I would say.] } Her: Don't worry, dear, you'll always be my little Chemical Engineer, }      even if you never earn a dime from your expensive college degree. }      Now, what have you... heh, heh... 'mixed up' in the kitchen }      tonight? [Oooooooh!  She's got a nasty sense of humor, don't she? }      Well, I think we've seen enough of this little scene; let's go }      back to the present...] } } There, that's better.  And to think, I didn't even need a time machine } that time!  You owe the Oracle a bowl of primordial soup with noodles.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question is not specific enough.  The <AirSpeedVelocity> of } <Animal:-Swallow><Laden:-no> is dependent on the following variables: } } <WrappedInElectricalTape:-boolean> } } Please resubmit your question. } } the Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle: who has read all literature in all languages, and who > knew who did what to whom using which in the where in every single > whodunnit whole chapters before the detective or police, please, I beg > you, answer my humble question: > > Who, what, when, why and for how long was Jean Kirkpatrik? > > (bonus tribute if you recognise the quote)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LOOK AT THIS STUDIO FILLED WITH FABULOUS PRIZES, JUST WAITING TO BE WON } BY THE LUCKY CONTESTANTS IN AMERICA'S FIFTH FAVORITE <ZOT!> YEOUCH!!! } ERR... SECOND FAVORITE <ZOT-ZOT!> I MEAN, AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME SHOW, } STUMP THE ORACLE!!! } } [The camera pans across a wide display of expensive prizes, all of } which are coated thickly with dust, as nothing has ever been won from } the show.  Alex Trabek appears with a microphone in his hand, and } stands next to the Oracle, who is seated in a position of honor (with } Lisa lying across his lap).  Across the stage from them are three } contestants, and behind them are the live studio audience.] } } Alex: Welcome to "Stump the Oracle".  Now, let's meet our three lucky }    contestants.  Bill, Doug, and Luanne.  Bill, it says here that you }    hold three doctorate degrees from Princeton? } } Bill: That is correct, Alex.  And another from Cape Cod Community }    College in Oracular Queries.  In addition, I have a dental cert-- } } Alex: Thank you, Bill.  Doug, it says here that you currently have no }    job.  Would you care to elaborate on that? } } Doug: Certainly, Alex.  It just so happens that I am independently }    wealthy and can do whatever I want, so instead of working I am }    devoting my life to memorizing obscure trivia from library reference }    books. } } Alex: Well, good for you.  Now, Luanne, I remember you from my other }    show, "Jeopardy", where you were our all-time winner.  I understand }    that you also hold the world record for asking the most consecutive }    number of questions. } } Luanne: How did you find that out, Alex? } } Alex: And, of course, there is no need to introduce the entity sitting }    next to me: hailing from Delphi and Parnasus, the Great USENET }    Oracle.  Now, you are all aware of the rules, right?  You will all }    submit a question, accompanied by an acceptable grovel, and if the }    Oracle is unable to answer correctly, you win! } } Luanne: What happens if he does answer the question? } } Oracle: Then you lose... big time.  You owe the Oracle a double grovel }    next time. } } Alex: Bill, you're up first. } } Bill: All right...  Oh Mighty Oracle, whose walrus is coated with gold, }    whose bathtub has rings far-surpassing those of Saturn, whose belly- }    button is filled to standing-room capacity...  What is the sound of }    one hand clapping? } } Oracle: [Produces a small tape recorder and presses the play button.] } } Tape: Left hand: Cla-- Cla-- Cla--  Right hand: --ap, --ap, --ap... } } Oracle: You owe the Oracle all of your diplomas. } } Alex: Oh, I'm sorry, Bill, but we have some nice concellation gifts for }    you back in the Green Room.  Now, Doug, what is your question? } } Doug: Powerful Oracle, who can calculate pi to the last decimal point, }    who can count the atoms of the universe, and who can name the }    farthest stars in the sky...  Can you come up with a question so }    arcane and meaningless that even you can not answer it? } } Oracle: Hmmm...  Yes, as a matter of fact, I can: Who, what, when, why, }    and for how long was Jean Kirkpatrik?  You owe the Oracle all of }    your money.  Now go out and get a job, you bum! } } Alex: Ouch!  Sorry about that, Doug, but you won't leave the show }    totally empty-handed.  You will receive a lifetime supply of Rice-a- }    Roni, the San Francisco Treat, and a case of Tums.  Now, Luanne, }    you are the only one left.  Are you ready to stump the Oracle? } } Luanne: Does the Pope wear a yarmulke?  Does Cecil Fielder spit?  Has-- } } Alex: Right.  What is your question? } } Luanne: Mighty Oracle, whose brain is overflowing with abundant }    knowledge, who, what, when, why, and for how long was Jean }    Kirkpatrik? } } Oracle: Oooo...  Ummmmm...  Well...  Hey, wait a minute, that wasn't a }    double-grovel!  <ZOT!> } } Alex: Oh, I'm sorry, it looks like you've been reduced to a pile of }    smoking ash...  Well, that's all the time we have for today; tune in }    tomorrow for another exciting episode of "Stump the Oracle"!!! } } Oracle: Come on, Lisa, let's go for Chinese. } } Lisa: But Orrie, what was the answer to that last question? } } Oracle: Lisa, dearest, there are some questions out there that even I }    was not meant to answer. } } You owe the Oracle a version of the "Stump the Oracle" home game.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the winter sun shines palely, palely, > Doggedly struggling to warm the frozen earth; > When ice lies all around me, my love, > Will you warm me with your sweet breath? > > Or would you rather be a pig?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has always been fond of the scientific method.  Let's examine } this question as well as we can: } } Category        | Love      | Pig } ----------------+-----------+----------------------- } Humanity        | Y         | N [1] } Warmth [2]      | Y         | N } Companionship   | Y         | N [3] } Life Expectancy | ~75 years | Next Winter [4] } Sex             | possible  | All day, every day [5] } } [1] This would be enough for most people to disqualify this choice. } } [2] The "warm fuzzies" type of warmth, not the "rolling in the mud on a } Summer day" type of warmth. } } [3] Being as most people don't consider pigs much of a companion. } } [4] If [1] didn't disqualify "Pig" as a choice, perhaps this should. } } [5] This may, however, change people's minds... } } You owe the Oracle a romance novel written by pigs, for pigs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise and mighty Oracle, whose flourescent shoelaces I am not fit to > untie, > > Why do the skins of citrus fruits taste so bitter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Otto: A fruit question.  Who will do it? } Randy: No thanks. } Andy: Citrus fruits?  Not me. } Carl: Pffh.  I wouldn't even <ZOT> him. } Lisa: Ernie, that one's for you. } Ernie: Okay.  Dear questioner, since you not only know that I have }     flourescent shoelaces, but also that 'flourescent' is written }     'flourescent' and not 'fluorescent' (only a few wise people on }     earth know that, and all dictionaries got it wrong), you will now }     be let in THE SECRET OF THE USENET ORACLE. }     I hope that you won't tell anyone, and of course this will never }     get into the Oracularities. } Carl: If you don't keep it for yourself, I <ZOT> you. } Ernie: You will have noticed that instead of one Oracle, there are }     seven people here who answer the question together. }     Otto, Randy, Andy, Carl, Lisa and me had the idea for the whole }     thing. Steve Kinzler is only a strawman, and that thing about how }     the Oracle is supposed to work is facade.  In reality, *all* }     questions are answered by us.  Yes, I know, you got a question to }     answer, but that is a red herring. The question was a fake, and }     your answer will never be read.  You know, the priests don't really }     exist.  Since *all* our answers are good, we don't need that. }     We are just ordinary humans, but very intelligent ones.  The }     Oracle's omniscience is due to the fact that we are so many people. }     What one doesn't know, another can answer it. }     We have very different individual styles, and each of us will give }     you a short description now.  Otto? } Otto: I do the insider answers, with references to Douglas Adams, Monty }     Python, Calvin and Hobbes, the Simpsons...you get the idea.  If you }     don't understand at all why the answer is funny enough to make it }     into the Oracularities, it's because I was referring to the famous }     'Quick!  Call the Philatelist!' sketch from 'The Meaning of Brian'. } Randy: If there is a reference to Lisa, that's me.  She is sort of... }     my girl friend. } Lisa: No, I'm not!  I wouldn't touch you with a vaulting pole! } Randy: Some day you will learn to love me. } Lisa: YUCK! } Andy: I suppose that was enough to characterize Randy. }     I do the lyrics.  Just now... } Randy: Stop!  You can't let the questioner go with that impression of }     me!  Really, I'm very good-looking, and I don't understand why Lisa }     thinks (wrongly, of course) that she doesn't like me. } Lisa: [snorts] } Randy: Breathing heavily already? } Lisa: NO!  Will you ever learn that you are creepy enough to make a }     snail shudder? } Randy: Ah!  Teasing our loved one, are we? } Lisa: [stares at the wall, counts to ten silently] } Andy: Finished? } Randy: [nods] } Andy: Fine.  As I said, I do the lyrics. }     Just now I'm not in the mood, and furthermore citrus fruits are }     not are lyrical subject.  There isn't even a word that rhymes }     with 'orange'. } Carl: If you hadn't grovelled, I would have burned you to a crisp. }     I am the flamer here, and <ZOT> is my favorite word.  The second }     one is <ZAP>. } Lisa: I do short and snappy answers. } Ernie: That was NOT snappy! } Lisa: This answer is YOUR job, not mine. } Ernie: Right.  If nobody knows the answer, it's always me who has to do }     it.  I make long stories, that is, much talking between many }     people, like parodies of talk shows, detective stories, etc.  The }     purpose of this is: when you are through with reading the answer, }     you have forgotten what the question was, and you don't notice that }     it is never really answered. } }     You owe the Oracle a conspiracy theory.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O               k               s               s >  h             - n               h               h >               l   o           :   o           r   o >    w         l     w         e     u         o     u >     i       a       i       l       l               l       ? >      s               n     c         d     g         d     g >       e   d           g   a               i               a >          n               r             I z             I z >         a               O

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I       u       o       o       r       e   . }  t     r t     l r     f       e e     l    enimam }       t   h   e   v       k   f   n   p   w      a }    r       , t     e t     n f     c o     h     r }     e               h       i       e       o    D }    h a     f S     e C     d h     p , }   T   l   u   h               t           w      a }        l r     e p     g y       o     b o  racle }         y       r       n       t       u   O }  .             o l     a i       o     l t   eht }   y   g   d   b   o       g   n   n   d          e }    a a     o l     c e     g i             y     w }     w       e       k       a       d       o    o }    k       m s     a ,     l z     i l     u }   i   t       n   m       p       e   u          u }  n     a t     '       i       n       o s       o } g  rre  h  ffr  t  tio  s   yo  i  t's  h  nto.  Y }    a l     o a     s n     r u     i       i } a  b s       m     e       e         w } t          y p     u i     h z     , h     n }    e a     a s     q s     t i     g a     u } thos t freew .  The  n't whe g or za t you r

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Chain letter > > YOU have the chance to receive lots and lots > of funny stories about dumb questionners which > will make you laugh right across three big bangs. > > Just mail a copy of this letter  to the oracle on top of > the list containing a funny behaivour of one of your questionners, > edit the by erasing the top oracle and inserting yourself at the > bottom. > > Top of list: sphinx@egypt.oracle.net >              oracle-of-delphi@greece.oracle.net >              merlin@camelot.oracle.net >              slug-togath@lambda-grus-III.oracle.net > Insert your name here ....... > > Mail a copy of the letter to five of your oraculous buddies and > after a while you will get 625 funny questionner-stories. > > Do not break this chain, bukka-black@rigel.oracle.net did it, and > now he is posessed by newbies without grovelling in their questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oracle.net% mail sphinx@egypt.oracle.net } Subject: Chain Mail } Cc: oracle-of-delphi@greece.oracle.net, merlin@camelot.oracle.net, slug } -togath@lambda-grus-lll.oracle.net } } My comerades, I have received a message that is most troublesome. } I here enclose it. } } -----Begin Cutting----------- } >     Chain letter } > } > YOU have the chance to receive lots and lots } > of funny stories about dumb questionners which } > will make you laugh right across three big bangs. } > } > ... } > } > Do not break this chain, bukka-black@rigel.oracle.net did it, and } > now he is posessed by newbies without grovelling in their questions. } --------End-----------End------ } } Now look, my friends, I know that you think that this whole "share your } funny supplicant story" Thing is amusing, but to be honest, I get } enough comic-relief mail to keep me rolling for hours on end. To be } honest, oh my Fellow Soothsayers, it is the expression on their faces } as I "ZOT!" them that makes me laugh. I am sure that you are all } familiar with that sensation. (Particularly you, Merlin. :-) } } At any rate, I think that such letters are a flagrant waste of } band.width to say nothing of straining my immortal attention span. } However, if you really want to keep this thing going, please leave me } out of it. I do _not_ wish to remain on your mailing lists. And I am } not frightened by the threat of newbies. I'm quite used to it, having } survived so many Septembers. } } Thank you, Oh my Fellow Knowlegeble Ones, } } The Usenet Oracle } oracle@use.oracle.net } EOT } oracle.net% logout } } You owe the Oracle a five-year fit of sneezing, and also a Saint } Christopher on a Chain [TM]