Goto:

41, 41-01, 41-02, 41-03, 41-04, 41-05, 41-06, 41-07, 41-08, 41-09, 41-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu that's propositioning all these people > here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu!  I am the best lover in North America!  I am } such a stud that Alice Toklas herself likes the way I screw, and that's } a pretty damn good recommendation since she's gay!  I've satisfied as } many as sixteen wenches at one time, and 350 of them in one night, and } they all came back for more!  I've got an eleven-incher three inches in } diameter, and it stays up all night!  I am the biggest, strongest, best } lover on this whole planet, baby!  Why, Jane Fonda took one look at the } bulge in my pants and, man, she was all over me!  She could not fucking } take her hands off of me!  What a night!  And then there's the time that } Princess Diana saw me!  Whee-oo!  I promised not to tell anything about } that one, but I did things for her that no man has done before or since } -- and she screws *royalty*.  I am such a stud! } } You owe the oracle half a chance...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get Lisa to have sex with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YOU DARE ASK ME, THE USENET ORACLE OF WHOM THE NET.SEX.GODDESS LISA HAS } BEEN BETROTHED TO AS UNSCATHED, PURE, AND CLEAN FROM THE TOUCH OF MERE } MORTALS!!?....YOU ARE BANISHED TO UTTER DEPTHS OF NET.HELL TO APOLOGIZE } TO EACH AND EVERY FLAME GENERATED FROM NOW UNTIL ETERNITY...unless...of } course ...you can tell me...please...how I can have sex with } her...please...sir... } } The Usenet Oracle demands...asks...no, begs for the book entitled } _One-Hundred One Positions for You, Your Net.Sex.Goddess, and a Small } Mammal_

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it proper to consider fungi as my primary sexual objects?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Several states have laws banning fungilingus. :)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is Lisa now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Lisa is currently in a small rubber room recovering from the } party in which she remembers only a football team and farm animals.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> LISA < > LIST > MIST > MUST < > MOST > POST < > PAST > PASS > LASS > LOSS > LOTS < > > So LISA MUST POST LOTS.  Why doesn't she?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually she does.  Here are some articles she posted: } } "For a good time, call Lisa - 555-9876." } } "Lisa's Phone Sex....  (We accept MC, Visa) ...  We give great phone! }  Make 1 call, get 1 free!  Call 1-800-555-LISA!" } } "Mistress Lisa's House of Pain!  Only $200 for 30 mins!  If you think }  you're tied up with too many things right now, wait till you visit }  Lisa!" } } You just haven't been reading the right newsgroups, that's all.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I a slug from Hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OF COURSE you are, you EVIL devil-worshipping Satanic CULTIST! } Your kind makes me SICK! AAAIIIYYYEEEE!!!! Your lecherous, lustful, } lewd, lascivious, libidinous, licentious, libertine depravity } just OFFENDS the BEJEZUS out of the God-fearing, moral, Christian, } good people of these United States! Go back to the DUNGEONS of } BEELZEBUB where there is WEEPING and WAILING and GNASHING OF TEETH, } and be CONDEMNED to the EVERLASTING FIRES of SULFUR and BRIMSTONE!!!!! } } And now, for those of you kind folks in my flock who BELIEVE in } JESUS and wish to be SAVED on judgement day, please send $200 } in contributions to: } } Jim and Tammy Ministries } Cell No. 2351A } Maximum Security Federal Prison } Talladega, Alabama 35429.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pontius Pilate said you're Lit's gigolo.  Do I trust him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm relieved that the truth has finally come out but am surprised that } you know my little stud-muffin Roman, Pontius.  He used to say, "Oh } great Oracle, what would you do for $20 in gold?" And I'd say, "Anything } you want, you big Roman stud, you!" So Lit, Pontius, and lord knows how } many other Romans would have their way with the Oracle while I squirmed } and squealed with delight (Oracles don't get the opporunity for kinky } sex all that often).  I still perform unimaginable sex acts for those } that ask and can come up with the really big bucks I charge now.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I do not know how this happened, but I just got a new VMS operating > system manual and it contained a complete sexual biography of me.  I > mean, complete -- ever time I've ever been fondled in the halls of > highschool, or kissed a guy at the end of a date.  Why did they include > it?  And especially what the hell is it doing under "Interpreting Error > Messages?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah baby! I read it too.  You'll find my address in the message header. } ooh wow! } } (Incidentally, the manual is the best place to put such confidential }  matter, because nobody RTFMs nowadays.) } } PS. It's under "Error messages" because you weren't doing it with the }     Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I calm down when I drive?  I'm always strung out and tend to > have a lead foot. >          -Homicidal on the Highway

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you should be aware that it is a bad idea to drive when strung } out.  Your lover(s) may not be willing to untie your arms and legs when } it is necessary to turn, especially when someone is close to orgasm.  (I } assume that you have found a good way to fit your bondage equipment in } your rather tiny car -- but have you considered the difficulties of } removing it quickly when the police pull you over?) } } Second, a lead foot is generally a bad thing.  Artificial limbs have } been improved drastically in the last several centuries.  I, personally, } recommend that you buy a magnesium foot; although it is flammible, it is } considerably lighter than a lead one.  I recommend this mainly because I } own stock in the leading manufacturer of magnesium feet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't laugh or reply "some would kill for your problem..." oracle. > My girlfriend wants to have sex several times a day and I just can't > handle it.  What does one do when one's nymphomaniac S.O. becomes too > demanding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This sure could be a sticky problem.  The answer depends on the reason } you cannot handle it.  Is it because; }         1> You just can't get it up that many times a day, or }         2> You can't spend that much time with her (work etc). } } If 1, then I would suggest the occasional use of oral sex.  This is one } solution that is better not used "tongue in cheek". } } If 2, then it may be worth your while to invest in a vibrator.  I } believe that there are shops in your area that allow the manufacture of } _custom built_ models.  But, don't bring her along as she may try to get } one made that can out-do you.  If this is the solution for you, then I } also suggest that you buy shares in some battery company. } } If all of this fails, then give me a call and I will help out when your } at work :-)~