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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Oracle who is even cooler than Mr Spock, what is the > present stardate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well MY current star date is Greta Scacci. } } You owe the Oracle William Shatner's toupee.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE > > Oh great and mighty Oracle, dispenser of slack, please, I beg of you, > help me, your miserable, worthless supplicant, who is unfit to clean > your mighty toejam with her tongue. > > I, alas, have a rather large hole in my head, which I can neither see > nor feel but is obvious to everyone else.  This unfortunate condition > causes me to volunteer to do difficult things, like run medieval events > and be a guildmistress for a thankless guild.  I'm even pondering > taking on three research projects, and I won't be graded or paid for > any of them. > > Is there a cure?  Can I ever become a normal person?  Can I get my life > back?  Oh magnificent Oracle, please answer my plea!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, you are a fine groveller!  I miss good grovellers like you. } I remember when everyone grovelled this well.  But, now, I'm lucky if } people even do a half-assed job of grovelling.  It's enough to make an } Oracle get mad and <ZOT> a few thousand worthless humans! . . .  Ahem, } but back to your question. } }       You are afflicted with a serious condition, indeed.  It's a shame } that such a fine groveller as yourself has this debilitating handicap. } Your condition is what is known as "sappeous grandeous", or more } commonly refered to as "being too damn nice".  This illness, which is } fairly rare in humans, almost inevitably ruins the life of the victim. } See, the normal human is an immoral, conceited, self-serving, uncaring } bastard, who would do just about anything to get ahead, and who is } always willing to take advantage of some poor person afflicted with } "sappeous grandeous".  Those with illnesses like yourself, lack certain } key chemicals in your DNA which makes normal humans the way that they } are.  Consequently, this disease is hereditary, and you inherited it } from one or both of your parents.  Most people affected by this tragic } illness lead horid lives, and die miserable.  However, I am happy to } tell you that there IS a cure!  It is not known to many humans, and I'm } only sharing it with you, because you're such a fine groveller. You } will need to become a lawyer.  That's right, a LAWYER.  I realize that } it's a disgusting thought, but it's the only alternative.  See, lawyers } are the perfect example of the ultimate normal human.  If you can } defend sickos, psychos, murderers, rapists, druggies, and other } assorted human vermin, then you will soon overcome your sickness of } "being too damn nice". It's a harsh treatment, I know, but } unfortunately, it's the only treatment which works.  The treatment has } a 99.9584% success rate (believe it or not, there actually ARE a few } lawyers out there who AREN'T uncaring bastards; but, don't worry, they } are VERY rare).  So, my advice to you, my humble supplicant, is go to } law school now, and become a lawyer.  This is the only way to become a } normal human once again.  Good luck! } } You owe the Oracle one good reason for wanting to BE a normal human.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Mighty and Exalted Oracle, in whose precious body odor I am not > worthy to bask, and even whose instestinal gaseous discharges I am > not worthy to inhale, O Most Way Cool Oracle whose wisdom exceeds that > of even Dan Quayle, please answer my question: > > When you drink coffee, where does the brown go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Criminy, Lisa, will you look at this twisted grovelling?  I swear, } these supplicants get weirder all the ... huh?  You say we're on the } air?  NOW? The mike's live?  Oh <bleeep>. } } *cough*  Ah yes, my mildly deranged querent, I see you have observed a } puzzling fact: a brown liquid, when consumed by mortals, emerges soon } thereafter with a somewhat different color.  You have correctly deduced } that something must have happened to the brown component between the } input and the output phases, and you wonder what that might be. } } The solution to your mystery is really quite simple; it's in the } protocols. What protocol, you say?  Why, TCP (Transfer of Caffeine } Protocol), of course!  The RFC (Request for Coffee) specifies that the } brown be stripped off and discarded by the host after processing.  When } large enough chunks of brown accumulate in the host's buffers, they are } flushed through an alternate channel.  Retransmission of the remainder } is specified in the RFC for the IP (self-explanatory) protocol. } } See how simple it is?  Next time, RTFM before asking, or <ZOT>. } Kapish? } } You owe the Oracle a kilo of decent Viennese coffee, and a Melita } brewer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle whose sageful eyes > Doth grace the land, the sea, the skies > Whose omniscience forever glows > Who never needs to use No-Doz > > Please hear this mortal's tiny plea > And if it please thee, answer me > I beg thee not my limbs to sever > Will the universe expand forever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The astronomer who looks up at night } Once again faced with the cosmologist's plight. } His mind to ponder again, perhaps, } Will it go on, or will it collapse? } } The constant state theory we can ignore. } It doesn't work well, and we need more. } The galaxies rushing away from each other, } Like a child that must leave the arms of its mother. } } The key to it all lies somewhere between } Undiscovered mass that cannot be seen. } Black holes, free planets, and interstellar dust, } To collapse the existance of this mass is a must. } } Right now, things are looking quite grim. } A heat death of all seems to be Nature's whim. } The critial density has yet to be met, } Expanding forever would be this Oracle's bet. } } This is the way the world ends } This is the way the world ends } This is the way the world ends } Not with a bang but a whimper. } } You owe the Oracle a reserved table at Millyways, the Restaurant at the } End of the Universe. } } (with apologies to T.S. Eliot-- rgm)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the Sun so happy in the morning ? > / when it wake up in the East /

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it is far away from California. } / when it riseth in the East / } } You owe the Oracle 501 English verbs conjugated.  Correctly.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orkie!  How dare you!  You forgot me on Valentine's Day again!  How > could you forget me, Lisa, the net.sex.goddess on Valentine's Day?! > You bastard!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir or Madam, } } I regret to inform you that you are operating under delusions of } Lisahood. I spent an exponentially romantic & divinely passionate } Valentine's Day with the winsome & delightful Lisa, performing feats of } sexual geometry that required 7 spacial dimensions and devasted a small } galaxy.  You are either a vile & impious imposter, or a psycho-deviant } schizophrenic.  In any case-- } } Um, wait a sec, there is a third possibility: You may a second } manifestation of Lisa!  In fact, there is no good reason why there } shouldn't be infinitely many manifestations of Lisa, all of them } equally devoted and equally demanding of the Oracle's time & energy. } } <Gulp> } } Let's just assume that you're a sicko, and leave it that, okay?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, most munificent, benevolent, tubular, and generally awesome >       Oracle, *PLEASE* deign to tell me: > >       I have recently been told to "blow it out my ass".  As a recent >       arrival from the planet Zorpztxh, I find this confusing.  Is this >       idiom politically correct?  Does it properly respect my >       beinghood? What does it mean?  As I to respond politely or should >       I respond with the time-honored and multi-use Terran demand that >       they "go and have sex with themselves"?  I realize this is many >       questions, but please take pity on my recently-immigrated and >       still slightly smelly self. > >       Obsequiously, > >       Rthspelkct Smfthlprsthip

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Rthspelkct: } }   May I call you Rth?  It is easier to pronounce on our planet. }   In response to your questions: } 1.  No, yet yes.  This is one of the puzzling issues which may }     ultimately only be determined by hindsight. } 2.  It may only properly respect your beinghood depending on your }     being. As the Oracle is unfamiliar with the anatomy of Zorpztxhians, }     the Oracle cannot say for certain. } 3.  "Blow it out your ass" means that consent or approval of yourself }     or for a concept you have promoted has been measured and found }     wanting by the party which has spoken the expression. } 4.  You may respond with politeness if you wish.  A generally }     considered appropriate reply is made with the same vigor and emotion }     as was used by the speaker to whom you are replying.  An Earth }     proverb refers to this as "fighting fire with fire". }   In general, if you feel content with your being, form, and carbon } content, there is no reason why you shouldn't have a long and successful } life on the planet Earth.  The Oracle feels one can speak for all beings } on the planet in welcoming you to our eternally interesting and } near-infinitely variagated world.  The Oracle would also like to remind } alien visitors that, for the safety of both visitors and natives to } Earth, all Earth beings are armed with a large variety of high-impact } explosives, for the deterrence of hostile creatures, which, in the } Oracle's all-seeing wisdom, you most certainly are not. }   Thank you for visiting, and enjoy the planet Earth. } } You owe the Oracle an up-to-date Michelin guide.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle most wise...what is the significance of the various > colors of M&Ms? Why did they recently re-introduce the red M&M? Will I > ever see a blue M&M? I await the thunderstorm of your wisdom....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is agreed throughout the scholarly community that green M&Ms cause } horniness, and that red M&Ms cause cancer.  Sucropsychologists are less } unanimous with respect to other colors, but current data suggest the } following: } }  Color       Consequence } -------      ----------- } Yellow       constipation } Orange       hair loss } Brown        republicanism } } Dr. Oscar Murtaugh of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine has } developed a theory which preports to account for these observations by } a complicated biochemical mechanism based on the interactions of } several enzymes, varying levels of vitamin A, and a pinch of oregano. } Although his theory has been dismissed by leading scientists as "about } as valuable as pig's vomit," it offers the only available predictions } as to the psycho-physiological effects of theoretical colors of M&Ms: } }  Color       Consequence } -------      ----------- } Blue         immortality(*) } Purple       transvestitism } White        emigration } } (*) A purely theoretical result.  It is a simple consequence of recent } advances in particle physics that blue M&Ms are impossible. } } You owe the Oracle a big bag of red M&Ms with almonds.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We are dead, We are >     Not here > If we were here we'd >     Be here > That's what someone said, but we're not >     We're dead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course the fact, that you }     Are dead } Is really no protection.  Nor can }     The distance } From you and I, save you from }     Bisection. } } It's not the fact, that you }     Are dead, } That keeps you from your answer. }     Yet it is } The fact that you groveleth not }     That gets you a <Z0T>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sung to the tune of "row, row, row your boat" > > Beg, beg, beg, the oracle > please won't you tell me > How many water molecules > Are in the seven seas? > > Sung to the tune of "my bonnie lies over the ocean" > > My oracle is ever-powerful > My oracle is so darn huge > My oracle is most omniscient > So why won't the oracle tell me... > > Oh tell me, > tell me, > Tell me, Oracle, > Won't you, please? > > Tell me, > oh tell me, > How much water in the seven seas? > > Sung to the tune of "she'll be comin' round the mountain" > > Oh, it's omniscient and O so huge > Oh it's omniscient and it is oh so huge > The oracle's omniscient, > yes, the oracle's so omniscient > It'll answer my questions very soon > > It'll answer my questions if I beg > Oh, it'll answer my questions if I beg > It'll answer my dumb questions > It'll answer my dumb questions > It'll answer my dumb questions if I beg > > How much water in the sea? > Oh, how much water's in the sea? > Oh, won't you kindly tell me, > yes, won't you kindly tell me, > How much water's in the sea? > > Sung to the tune of "Three Blind Mice" > > Or-a-cle > Or-a-cle > > How great you are > How great you are > > Oh, Oracle, won't you tell me please? > How many waters in the seven seas? > I've begging you oh master of sleaze, > > Or-a-cle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz Song": } }     O Lord, Woncha buy me, a cabal that does work }     My servants are feckless, every one's a jerk }     They won't fight in flamewars, all they do is lurk }     O Lord, woncha buy me, slaves that do my work. } }     O Lord, woncha buy me, a supplicant who begs }     It pleases my ego, it puts me up two pegs, }     The ones I've had lately have all been the dregs }     O Lord! woncha buy me, a supplicant who begs } }     O Lord, woncha buy me, an Omnignosticum }     My clients think I'm worthless, sometimes even dumb! }     I sit here on my backside and let my cheeks get numb }     Just because I don't have an Omnignosticum } }     (everybody!) } }     O Lord, Woncha buy me, a cabal that does work }     My servants are feckless, every one's a jerk }     They won't fight in flamewars, all they do is lurk }     O Lord, woncha buy me, slaves that do my work. } } To the tune of "A Blacksmith Courted Me" } }     O a freshmen courted me }     Nine month and better }     He fairly won my darts }     With his stupid letters }     With his keyboard in his lap }     He looked quite nerdly }     And if I were his TA, }     I would answer curtly. } }     "O what did you promise free }      when you stood astride me? }      You said you'd answer well }      And not deride me." }     "If I'd said I'd answer you }      'Twas only for to tease you }      For you are a newbie child }      And beneath my purview." } }     "I have asked about the Seas }      And you hae not answered }      I think You are a fake }      An Onan-o-mancer!" }     "If you listen carefully }      I'll put it to you: }      You are not worth my time }      So I'll have to shoot you..." } } what a senseless waste of (sub-)human life. } } You owe the oracle a Rhyming dictionary containing an entry for } "Oneiromancy".