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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderful Oracle, whose very being is beyond mortal > comprehension, who knows the last digit of pi, who...hmm.  What _is_ > the last digit of Pi, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a moment... } } % compute_pi }       Computing...Sun Feb 22 16:06:36 PST 1992 }       Computing...Sun Feb 22 17:06:36 PST 1992 } Need additional processing power. } Use security holes to use other internet hosts? [n] y }       Working...   452 hosts found so far }       Working...   987 hosts found so far }       Working...  5837 hosts found so far }       Working... 92385 hosts found so far }       Working...457839 hosts found so far } 999999 hosts found (maximum) computaion begins. }       Computing...Sun Feb 22 18:06:36 PST 1992 }       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 1992 }       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 1995 }       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 1998 }       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 2003 }       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 2009 }       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 2832 }       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 4985 }       Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 9364 } Computation complete, output is pi.txt } % cat pi.txt }       Warning system shutdown in 10 second }               ..end of the world... } }}}NO CARRIER } } Well I guess some things just arn't meant to be discovered.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, hilarious and mighty Oracle, who power and knowledge extends > beyond the farthest reaches of the Universe.  Oh, magnificent and > magnanimous Oracle, whose witty reparte is always fun to read.  Oh, > great, eminent, illustrious, immense, vast, fine, important, prominent, > vital, famed, dignified, excellent, renowned, majestic, august, noble, > grand Oracle, who can so wisely answer any question put to you by us > stupid mortals.  Oh, kind and caring Oracle, who rules the Universe... > >       [Sorry, I have no question, I just wanted to grovel a bit...]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last!   A supplicant with his priorities straight!   He is truely } the Great One, promised of ages.  He is the one unto whom I shall } bestow the greatest prize, as was written in the Great Scrolls of T'q. } } Come forward and recieve the prize. . . } } come closer } } closer } }                                TAG!!!  YOU'RE IT! HAHAHAHAHA! } } You owe the Oracle a second childhood.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, maybe I used the wrong sample, flicked the wrong switch, or > applied the wrong voltage, but something went wrong.  Now large > glistening things with leathery wings and heads like an octopus are > entering the lab through the molecular beam epitaxy unit.  They have > eaten three janitors, sacrificed a PDP-11 on an altar of magtapes, and > are now chanting "Dan Quayle!  Dan Quayle".  I am protected by a > hastily drawn pentagram, and only have this terminal, my coffee cup, a > Christmas stocking, three mangoes and a tape measurer.  How do I get > out of this one alive and reasonably intact? > > Umm...  Please hurry on this one.  The mangoes won't last long and > the critters may soon figure out that the terminal connector passes > through the pentagram.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Geez!  Sometimes I wonder why I even let you humans NEAR expensive } research equipment.  I mean, what do you EXPECT to happen when you } deposit Argon on Gallium Arsenide wafers willy-nilly like that?  I } bet you didn't bother to read the warnings in your MBE User's Guide, } did you.  Allow me.  From Chapter One, page 3: } }     "WARNING!  Use EXTREME CAUTION when depositing molecules of }     certain noble gases, particularly Argon, on improperly }     prepared Gallium Arsenide wafers.  Failure to observe proper }     safety measures may result in the inadvertent opening of }     gates to various planes of Hell.  (For information on closing }     gates to Hell, please refer to Appendix H.)" } } Don't tell me, you left the User's Guide back in your office behind } your Macintosh, didn't you?  Apparently computer geeks aren't the } only ones who never RTFM.  Okay, I'm in a good mood, so here's } Appendix H: } }     "Appendix H.  Closing Gates to Hell. } }     The following procedure is recommended to close gates to }     Hell inadvertently opened due to improper operation of your }     MBE unit.  You will require the following materials: } }         - Computer terminal connected to the Internet }         - Caffeinated beverage, preferably Jolt. }         - Three or more tropical fruits.  [Hope you didn't get }             too hungry - O] }         - Accurate linear measurement device. } }     Step 1.  Identify pertinent plane of Hell involved: } }         [Lots deleted - O] } }         Plane 221:  Sky turning blood-red; Earth opening up and }                     swallowing nearby chemists. } }         Plane 222:  Winged, slimy, octopus-headed Dan Quayle fans. } }         Plane 223:  Major temporal distortions; Recent project }                     report finished on time. } }         [More deleted - O] } }     Step 2.  Arrange tropical fruits in regular polygon precisely }              66.6 centimeters per edge. } }     Step 3.  BEFORE arranging tropical fruits, consume caffeinated }              beverage. } }     Step 4.  Using computer terminal, break into site VAXnnn.HELL.UNI, }              where nnn is the plane of Hell involved.  Retrieve the }              file /usr/local/doc/spells/closing.  (The IP addresses of }              these sites are of the form 132.257.666.nnn.) } }     Step 5.  Chant the contents of the retrieved file three times. }              (Ignore denizens pouring liquid nitrogen on you.) } }     Step 6.  Once gate to Hell is closed, shut down MBE lab and }              contact Facilities.  Refer to local procedures manuals }              for standard gate to Hell followup activities." } } There, that should do it.  But if you think THAT was bad, wait til } your boss finds out you were eating lunch in the MBE lab! } } You owe the Oracle a top-of-the-line Ribe vacuum pump.  And the } Christmas stocking.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O magnanamous Oracle, who can crush toe-jam into diamonds and > whose very thought patterns can make toaster ovens spew forth untold > riches, whose libido is the size of a volvo station wagon, and whose > spread in the latest issue of "Horny Leather Clad Gods & Godesses" left > us all breathless, answer me this: > >      Why, in Canada, is SPAM called KAM and TREET called PREM???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       English is the same as many other languages, in that it } has many dialects.  An American raincoat in England is called a } "mac," which to us means "cheese and macaroni," which to the whole } world means that annoying little girl in the Kraft commercials. }       Also, in England, a "fag" is slang for a cigarette, while } in the States, it means "one who is subscribed to soc.motss." } As for you Ohians, we all know that to you, "mounties" means } "man who sleeps with horses," while to Canadians the word trans- } lates merely to "blonde guy who lusts for the Chief's daughter } and has a huge chin." }       Of course, there are some words in dialects which have } no meaning at all in others.  While "poofter" is gibberish in } the American version of English, in the mother country it means } what "fag" is to us, which of course means "cigarette" to them. } So, if an Englishman asks if you are a poofter, and you smoke } cigarettes, quickly say "yes" with a smile and reach into your } pocket for your smokes.  He will either run away or ask you to } dance. }       The answer to your question lies also in these dialects. } Spam, in America, was named because of its main ingredients: } salt and ham.  In Canada, it is named affectionately after } David Letterman's "Vomit Kam," which only lasted for two } episodes due to sudden increases in hospitalizations for bulemia. }       Treet is called prem in Canada simply because the } American elongated version, "shwedded treet," not only poked } fun at Canadian house birds, but is not as preferrable to them } as their shortened spelling of Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, or "prem." } } You owe the Oracle he translation of "Ix" in Betelguese Seven's tongue, } then translated into Chinese and posted, using ASCII graphics, } to rec.humor.oracle.d.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wonderfull and kind Oracle of all time, please see it wise to > give me advice. > > When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did was long in at 9600 > baud with my home computer to my Sun at work.  Then I telent'ed the > main VAX just to telnet back to a Solburne on my domain.  From there I > rlogin'ed around the building a bit until I ended up at the building's > main mail host with the outside world.  From there I used a company > high speed line and software to get to our office in Montrouge, France. >  From there I telneted to a university in northern California where I > still have an account.  I wasn't done yet, oh no.  From there I > telnet'ed an account at the library at a universtiy in southern Germany > where, the system administrator, a friend of mine from way back, set me > up.  This was a VAX system so I read some help -- not trivial because > the German keyboard isn't perfect QWERTY.  I then telnet'ed my Sun back > in San Jose, promply went back into my account on the first VAX and > used another high speed link to our office in Sagamihara, Japan then > Seul, Korea then back to San Jose. > > Only then was I ready to read news.  The pause between 'n' and a new > screen was about 25 seconds. > > How much of this delay was due to propagation delay as contrasted with > my baud rate limit and what makes me do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooh, you naughty boy!  All that telnetting and rloginning and other } nasty stuff -- you weren't practicing safe computing!  You were being } promiscuous! Not only were you hrr, umm, shall we say "interacting" } with many other coputers AT THE SAME TIME, but you didn't even bother } to ask with whom those other computers had "interacted" or were } "interacting" at the time. Who knows what kind of viruses you might } have contracted or spread?  (Well, I do, but you know what I mean.) } } But anyway, on to your question.  The line of connections was: } 1) home computer --> 2) Sun --> 3) V** (Tsk, tsk!  You KNOW you } shouldn't use naughty words when addressing the Oracle!) --> 4) } Solburne --> 5) mail host --> 6) Montrouge --> 7) university --> 8) } Germany --> 9) Sun --> 10) V** again --> 11) Japan --> 12) Korea --> } 13) San Jose. } } Well, there you have it.  The delay had nothing to do with your baud } rate, nor with propagation delay.  The various computers you were } dealing with all happen to be superstitious (that's not as surprising } as it may seem, actually; about three quarters of all the computers in } the Universe are superstitious to some degree) and they decided to } punish you for forcing them into a "menage-a-treize" situation.  You } shouls have added a fourteenth somewhere along the line; then they } would have cooperated better.  Of course, that would have been even } worse, safe-computing-wise, but you can't have everything. } } You owe the Oracle a megabyte of condoms.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, articulate, beautiful, charming, delightful, eidetic, funloving, > great, hedonistic, intelligent, just, kind, liberal, magnificent, > noble, omnipotent, powerful, quintessential, ribald, scintillating, > tactful, universal, virtuous, wonderful, xenophilic, youthful, zotting > Oracle, > > Did you like my abecedarian grovel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For a mere mortal, I thought your grovel was amiable, beautific, } creative, distracting, energetic, faithful, gregarious, helpful, } interesting, joyous, kind, libidinous, magnificent, non-<zot>ful, } ornate, particularly, quinticentially restful, surprising, terrific, } unmatched, very wonderous, xylophonically yodel-like, and zooy. } } You owe me a can of alphabet soup and an electronic Webster.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been meaning to ask this for a long time... > why do people procrastinate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll get back to you on that.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, Master of the Skies, Emperor of the Eagles, Lord of > the Lorikeets, Archon of the Albatrosses, Caliph of the Cuckoos, > Pharaoh of the Phoenixes, Pooh-bah of the Penguins and King of the > Turkeys.... how do I roast a chicken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Call Sadam and tell him George is mad again.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, so splendiferous that the OED alone cannot hold > sufficient adjectives to describe your awe-inspiring majesty; so > perfect that your kneecaps are the basis of some primative religions; > so enervating that I sink to the depths of ennui in a feeble attempt > to emluate your perfection in writing this poor imitation of flattery; > > I have a question, important to a frivilous worm such as myself, who > is clearly unable to spell as well as You, that I beg, indeed, I > humble and prostrate myself like a person with a severe back spasm, > who finds oneself writing sentences of such complexity and odd > structure that Gogol himself would be unable to duplicate, and the > diagram of which would appear as a typical Wall Street organizational > chart, only with fewer incompentent managers, to ask your favor of > an answer to this simple, innocent question. > > Worshipful Oracle, my question is, in that instant when I wake up, > just before cognizant thought completely invades dreamland, I always > imagine a rather interesting scene (which I am unable to describe with > appropriate detail in such a public forum) involving "Better Cheddar > 'Real Vermont Style' Cheese Whiz", plastic sheeting, two slightly > overweight reindeer, and the Swedish Bikini team? > > I thank thee, most Wise and Glorius Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most worthy supplicant, thy groveling has saved not only your own } pitiful existence but that of at least the next three petitioners. } (Be careful not to step in the last questioner, there, to your right. } That stuff stains something awful.)  You may come back in now, my } attendants, the Oracular Wrath has been appeased. } } Now, let us return to this unusual comment of yours.  I see that you } do not have an actual question, so I assume you merely wish to share } this most intriguing setting with your Oracle.  Let me access your } psychological profile . . . accessing . . . oh my Me . . . } } Most interesting.  I see in your profile that you have an appropriate } respect for spray cheese; that is a factor in your favor.  The plastic } sheeting and the bikini team are two things that go well together, as } the Oracle well knows.  The origin of the reindeer is what has the } Oracle a bit worried, but these things usually work themselves out. } The combination of these elements is a tad ambitious for a mortal, but } could prove interesting and profitable to watch, videotape, and } possibly distribute. I believe I shall grant you a boon. } } I suggest, worthy one, that you carry a large quantity of spray } cheese with you everywhere (this is, in fact, good advice for all } mortals, I mean, you never know).  You also might want consider some } pickled herring to add an additional element of mystery.  Some time in } the future either the reindeer or the bikini team will appear before } you, and it will be up to you to be prepared and to take the } appropriate action.  I will be watching. } } Oh yes: you should step up your program of calisthenics immediately. } Make your Oracle proud! } } You owe the Oracle a performance surpassing even that of a Kennedy } on a Florida beach.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise, whose proliferous responses to a myriad of simple > and humble queries leaves me breathless; who could save the American > auto industry with nary an effort; whose wisdom is exceeded only by his > patience in providing guidance to us mere mortals... > > Do you want to buy a duck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I suppose that depends on the duck.  Are we talking Donald? } Daffy?  Peking?  Darkwing?  Daisy? } } I am reminded of the parable of the elephant.  A man was walking in the } Washington Park Zoo in Portland, Oregon one day.  A man in a trenchcoat } pulled him aside and said, "Pssst!  Hey, mister!  Want to buy an ele- } phant?" } } The man replied, "I live in an apartment.  I can't even have a cat! } Why would I buy an elephant?" } } The man in the trenchcoat said, "500 bucks -- for an elephant!  A real } elephant." } } The man replied, "My wife would kill me if I spent that much money. } Besides, where would I keep it?  What would I feed it?  How would I } pay the vet bills?  And what about the smell? } } The man in the trenchcoat said, "450 bucks -- that's my final offer -- } take it or leave it." } } The man replied, "Listen, buster, for the last time!  I don't WANT an } elephant!  I don't LIKE elephants!  I can't AFFORD an elephant!  Stop } with the elephant!" } } The man in the trenchcoat said, "Boy, you drive a hard bargain -- TWO } elephants, 650 bucks -- what do you say?" } } The man replied, "Now you're talking!  Where can I rent a truck?"