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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise, wonderful and truly splendiferous Oracle, answer me this: > > Why is that portable C is never that portable?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps you should try boiling it first. Oh, did that say `portable'? } I thought it said `potable'. Hey, what the heck, boil it anyway, it } can only improve C code! } } You owe the Oracle a brine-bath.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Vice, please help this most unworthy being. > > I have planned to win the International Obfuscated C Code Contest this > year. What kind of program should I submit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle suggests that you submit a program written in C. } } But the Oracle realizes that is probably not really what you were } asking; it is sometimes hard for the Oracle to distinguish } between the virtually identical infinitesimal intelligence levels } of smart mortals and dumb mortals. } } Extrapolating from recent trends in IOCCC winners should suggest } several possibilities.  This year's rules, in fact, allow for } significantly more complex programs because statement separators } won't be counted towards your character limit in some cases. } Here are the kinds of things you should try for, given that IOCCC } awards have been given to increasingly amazing programs: } } * Ada-to-C translator/compiler } } * workalike VMS kernel (early versions acceptable; why make life }   too hard for yourself?) } } * source code that when compiled generates a text procesing }   utility which when applied to the source generates new source }   that compiles into another text processing utility that when }   applied to its source generates . . . (on and on) . . . thereby }   recreating most of /bin. } } * a program that passes the Turing Test } } Any of these should impress the hell out of chongo and guarantee } you a place in the awards.  The Oracle has written all of these } programs in obfuscated C for amusement, but chongo won't accept } entries from immortals. } } You owe the Oracle Stephen Bourne's obfuscated source code for } sh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Oracle.  What can my pitiful mortalness say about you > that has not already been expounded upon?  Your greatness inspires > us all to simply surrender our lives, and give up this hopeless > quest we are all on to become more like you.  I would prefer, I > think, to have the honor of drowning in the puss that flows from > a boil on your backside than to continue in these futile attempts. > > But in the interim, I seem to have another problem. > > Last time, you told me that I should just go up to Sally, tell her > that I wasn't interested, and demand that she stop following me around. > I tried that, but it only made her more persistent.  I realize that > this must have been what you intended to have happen, so that I would > have to try your second suggestion . > > When I brought out the cucumber, however, she did not shriek and > run away.  Instead, she produced what looked like a tube of > toothpaste, although it wasn't toothpaste, and chased me > for some time.  She had the most peculiar look in her eye, and used > several words that I am not familiar with.  Eventually she agreed > to go home, although she insisted upon taking the cucumber with her. > > I'm sure this was all part of your plan, but I'm not sure what to do > next.  She says that she will be over tonight, and that she will be > bringing some vegetables of her own.  Should I buy some more salad > dressing?  Your unworthy supplicant remains very confused.  She said > something about being "like that", which I don't understand at all. > Also this business with her beagle coming to dinner has me a bit > worried. > > I have no doubt that we are merely actors in a play that you have > written long ago, but I'm not sure what to do next!  I don't want > to disappoint you.  Help! > > PS I hope you enjoyed those photographs you asked for last time.  I > not only had a heck of a time finding someone who would develop them > for me, but that stuff chafed something awful.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [A sunny beach.  White sands.  Azure waters.  Gnarly waves.  Oracle in }  beach chair, back view.  Iced tea.  SPARCstation 6 holographic laptop }  displaying small 3-dimensional, color, audio moving images nearby, }  from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.3d.av.  In a virtual window }  floating nearby, text is barely decipherable, "> Oh Oracle, Oracle. }  What ...". Zoom in on it so that it fills the screen for a few }  seconds, then zoom back, but the window is clearly visible.] } } [The computer chimes expensively.  Oracle taps a couple keys, enabling }  the speakerphone.] } } Receptionist: Sally Brown for you on line 262, your preponderance. } Oracle: Thanks honey.  I wish that damn dog wouldn't give out my }         number. } R: I think he's so cuuuuuute. } O: That's why I hired you, Rachel.  Aloha. } } [Oracle pushes a key.] } } O: (slight grin)  How'd it go with with the cuke? } Sally: O he who's smar- } O: Ok, right, very nice, Sally.  What's up? } S: He wouldn't play Salad with me, so I played by myself. } O: (chuckle) Any port in a storm. } S: It was so tingly!  But you said he'd play with me! } O: I know, he'll come around.  There's a box under mommy's and daddy's }    bed.  When they're not looking, borrow the handcuffs from the case. } S: Why do they have handcuffs under their bed?  Daddy isn't a }    policeman. } O: Because they like to play cops-and-robbers.  This is a fun game, }    especially when the cops have handcuffs.  Mommy and daddy know this. } O: I want you to play cops-and-robbers with Linus.  Make sure that }    you're a cop! } S: That sounds like fun! } O: When you handcuff him, cops-and-robbers is over.  *Then* you can }    play Salad just like I told you last time. } S: Hmmmm...?  (pause)  Ok! } O: There are also two little keys for the handcuffs in the box.  Take }    one of them as well, so you can let him go when you're done.  That's }    part of the rules.  Another rule is this game is a secret!  You }    might not be allowed to play anymore if you get caught.  (under his }    breath) And I might go to jail.  (louder) Underst- } S: I have to go, here comes blockhead! } O: You owe the Oracle a lock of naturally curly blond hair and one of }    Snoopy's and Lassie's pups. } S: Ok!  Byebye! } } [Oracle disables the speakerphone.] } } [Cut to keyboard.  Oracle presses the `r' key, and a second virtual }  window fades in near the first.  The text is barely decipherable, "And }  in response, thus ...".  Zoom in on this virtual window so that it }  fills the screen.] } } [You hear a soft but very very fast tap-tapping, and the following }  message is typed in about six seconds.] } } Sally sometimes plays dumb.  She might not act so strangely when you } play more traditional games.  If you want my advice, I'd stick to such } time-honored favorites as cops-and-robbers. } } You owe the Oracle a security blanket and a tube of toothpaste-not. } } [The Oracle chuckles softly while sipping his ice tea.  The camera }  slowly zooms back, farther and ever farther back into oblivion.] } } [Naw.] } } [The Oracle gets up, brushes some sand off his pre-eminent butt cheeks, }  and walks down the beach into the setting sun.] } } [No, wait.] } } [Off camera, you hear a smooth, sultry voice say, "Wanna play }  cops-and-robbers?"] } } O: That one!  That one!  Um, cut to black! } } [Cut to black.]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > Your question was: > > > > > O Oracle most wise, Who is so great he addresses God as "Hey, > > > Yahweh dude! want a cold Bud?" , this mortal must know: > > > > > >   Are sysadmins really the AntiChrist? > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > > } [Ungh, where the hell am I going to go with this?] > > } > > } Give it your best shot, Incarnation...  After all, you *did* > > } volunteer. As I recall, `Subject: tell me, he who is gnarly with > > } wisdom', hmmmmmm? > > } > > } [I'm drawing a blank.  Maybe I'll just slough it.] > > } > > } If you think asking a question of the Oracle is a dangerous > > } business, think about what might happen to those who commit > > } sacrilege in my name! > > } > > } [Point taken.  What should I do?] > > } > > } Whatever it takes! > > } > > } If you have to use metaphor, so be it. > > } If you have to use pomposity, so be it. > > } If you have to use diversions, so be it. > > } If you have to use screenplays, so be it. > > } If you have to use references to Lisa, so be it. > > } If you have to use the threat of my omnipotence and libido, so be > > }   it. [1292 sources of inspiration omitted for brevity] > > } If you have to use tubes of jell containing a plaid-colored paint > > }   marked "tartan-control Crest", so be it. > > } If you have to conjure small, hermaphroditic creatures who speak in > > }   bad verse and are armed with "Kick Me Harder" signs, so be it. > > } > > } I could go on and on. > > } > > } [You already have.] > > } > > } Watch it! > > } > > } [Sorry sir.  I can handle it!] > > } > > } Errr, ok.  Knock yourself out.  Or I will. > > } > > } [Ok, ok!  Here goes...] > > } > > } You owe the Oracle 1292 sources of inspiration. > > Mighty Oracle, this answers not my question. My disappointment has > caused me to strike my genitals with a sledgehammer. Now i repeat my > question.... > > > >     Are sysadmins really the AntiChrist? > >                                       Signed, >                                               A concerned User

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And now, please turn to Computations I:1 } } 1. In the beginning there was only vast expanses of vacuum tubes. The } research teams looked at the tubes and it was good. } 2. Then, on the 2nd project, the teams said, "Let there be a firmament } in the vacuum," and they created the chips and the circuits, and it } was good. } 3. The teams looked at the computer and said, "Let the box be filled } with all manner of processes that fork and multiply," and it was. And } it too was good. } 4. Then a lot of other things happened that weren't quite documented } correctly and lost when the last hard disk backup was destroyed in a } freak electrical storm one nig%^#%#^]^]\&$#%*!^)!^* NN* !^?^?^}\0\0\0\] } 56. and Gabriel said unto the programmers, "Let the operators be } banished from the Computation, and Mefistopheles shall no longer } control the job runs." } 57. And so it was that Beezlebup had a devil put aside for me. For ME! } 58. And the processes were free to run and multiply as they wished, and } the operators were relegated to the ranks of sysadmin. } } We need read no further. I believe that answers the question. } } You owe the Oracle a prayer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <std_grovel.h> > > Have you ever considered doing a guest shot on Star Trek: The Next > Generation?  They already have an omnipotent character named 'Q', but I > imagine you'd be far more entertaining than him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you, no.  I got my fill of showbiz on the old Star Trek, on which } I was a frequent co-star.  I recall with particular pleasure my } masterly portrayals of the time-travelling portal, Rejek the Homicidal } Computer Virus, and the macro-cellular mind/flying omelets that suck } out your brian throught he back of your neck and then force you to } build them luxury condos, but are allergic to sunlight.  Thin material, } but acting to make you cry, wouldn't you say? } } Well??? } } You owe the Oracle a rave review.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose belly-button lint I am not worthy to remove, > My Macintosh keeps crashing when I program it. > > I would like to know what the proper sacrifices would be to the Mac to > get it to work...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, my child, you must abase yourself and pray to the universe's } second greatest god, Wozniak the Magnificent (after whom Wednesday was } named).  This must be done in your garage by the light of a single } incandescent bulb. } } Second, you must file a look-and-feel lawsuit against a major } competitor of Apple, preferably IBM or Microsoft.  Be sure to push it } to the limit...the Apple gods are fickle at best, and may well sue you } for having a trashcan in your back yard. } } Third, you must write to the suppliers of all your programs and ask for } upgrades that will run under System 7.  You must pay all fees with nary } a complaint or expectation of reimbursment.  You must also fill out the } warranty card with green ink. } } You owe the Oracle a good reason for using a Mac in the first place.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, master, your slave questions... > In a 400-500 word essay, describe a place that you've been do which has > held a particularly special meaning.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} place that I've been do that- hmm.. must mean been to.  oh well..... } } <The oracle sits at his desk and begins writing at a somewhat leisurely }  pace. As he's putting on the finishing touches to the essay, a large, }  well musceled man with long red hair and a beard walks in.> } } "Oracle, Ho.  'Sup buddy?" } } Oh, hi, Zeus.  Not much.  Just finishing up an essay for a supplicant } here. } } "An essay for a supplicant?  What, are you out of your mind???  You } start doing that, and the next you know they'll expect you to perform } miracles for them!" } } Now see here Zeus, you have no right to talk to me like that in my } temple! } } "I'll talk to you any damn way I please, you half-rate excuse for a } deity!" } } <The oracle stands up suddendly, anger in his eyes> } } I think you'd better leave now Zeus. } } "Leave?  I'm just warming up.  Try this on for size, you panty-waist" } } <Zeus hurls a massive lightening bolt at the Oracle, who responds with }  a tremendous ZO- *****CENSORED***** } }        ************************************************************* }        *  The resulting  orgy of violence has been  censored  in   * }        *  accordance  with  numerous  regulations  maintained by   * }        *  assorted agencies that  acts of  excessive violence or   * }        *  sex  be  blacked out  so as to retain a  proper family   * }        *  atmospher on this computer network.  Thank You.          * }        ************************************************************* } } And if you ever come back here again acting like that, I'll do worse } than *BLEEP* your *BLEEP* off, you  *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* } *BLEEP*, you *BLEEP* nincompoop!  Oh pardon me, I seem to have lost my } composure.  I've got your essay right here.... } } <The oracle looks down at the smoulding remains of his desk, and your } essay> } } Oh well... I wouldn't have been able to print it here anyway.  You see, } it was about this nice little secluded beach cove on Antares V where } Lisa and I *BLEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE } EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- } } You owe the Oracle a censor without so many inhibitions and a 1000 word } essay on why we should elect Jello Biafra for president

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent oracle, whose glory radiates vibrantly from, yea, even > under the penumbra of thy foulest excreta, grant me this boon. > > In Joseph Heller's profound and witty novel of bomber pilots during > WWII, _Catch-22_, there are several scenes describing the military > briefings conducted by the command staff for the pilots and crews. > During one of these briefings the command staff foolishly accepts > questions.  Among the questions, many and good, shouted from the floor > were "ho-ho", "berri-berri" and "balls!" > > Mr. Heller's narrator informs us that these are indeed good questions, > but they never seem to be answered, doubtless due to pressures arising > from editorial or narrative issues. > > Lo these many years since high school I have pondered and fretted over > these questions.  Are they good questions?  What do they mean?  Are > they answered in the novel in some obscure manner that I have missed? > If not, can your omniscience reveal the answers at last? > > I will gladly pay with a pair of apples from Orr's cheeks, and if > necessary even with some flies from Appleby's eyes. > >   -- my roomies call me Yo-Yo >   -- somewhere in Scandinavia

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh excrementally challenged one, I shall answer your question. } } In the early days of the republic, young one, books were fairly } straighforward.  The Bible, as we all know, was essentially an allegory } about the debate about the silver and gold standards.  Macbeth was a } tome about transsexuality and bestiality.  And even though I don't } really have to remind you, The Great Gatsby argued the case in favor of } the designated hitter rule. } } And then those deconstructionists came.  You don't understand, they } said. The Bible is a story about God.  Gatsby deals with the maturation } of a nouvearich adult in the New York area.  And A Clockwork Orange is } about drinking milk. } } You see, their problem, as well as yours, is that you look too hard at } the subtexts as well.  You may read into the book that it's a story of } the idiocy of the military, but in doing that, you're reading way too } much into the book. In Heller's first book, Catch-21, which you } obviously haven't read, he begins in the preface by saying "Look!  I'm } just talking about Freud's auxilliary constructions and delusional } realities, nothing else.  But that's our secret." Unfortunately, only } 50 copies of the book were printed, leaving the rest of you clueless. } } So the answers to the questions were, in the following order: } -By crossing a potentate and a hottentot } -Burundi, 1925 } and } -36, but 40 if you include his album with Blind Faith } } You owe the Oracle your ripeness, which, as we know, is all.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You da Oracle? > > I gotta shipment forya from da Supplicant Clearing House. Dey said > sumpthin' about past due offerings and C.O.D. > > Accordin' to dis invoice, I got: > >       A chocolate bunny wid an arrow through it (Dat's sick), > somebody's thumbs (Gross), 37,230 copies of "Green Card", a book of > Sufi poetry, a jug of wine (It was delicious), a Short Nubile Teen > Fanatic (She was delicious too), a case of Pepto-Bismol, a jumbo bag of > plant fertilzer, an English-Sanskrit dictionary, 50 megatons of Motrin, > a copy of Miss June Dally Watkins Manners Guide, a copy of "Our Bodies, > Ourselves", an unabridged dictionary of American Slang (What, you can't > read Penthouse?), a recipe collection, a case of Ben-Gay, a home > version of "Stump the Oracle", a buncha diplomas, a case of oranges, a > GIF of the Cat in da Hat, a case of Advil, a videotape of some sicko > sexually assaulting a chicken, a leather purse, a Playboy tarot deck, > and about 40 cents in loose change. > > Whattya want me ta do with dis junk?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just put it in the large cabinet behind the door.  Thanks.  You can } keep the loose change as a tip. } } You owe the Oracle sixteen clips of ammunition for an AK-47; two } tablespoons of enriched uranium; a bucket of live squid; David Duke's } autographed copy of "Mein Kampf"; seven thousand Macedonians in full } battle array; a Julia Roberts look-alike, but without the birthmark; a } full set of first editions of "The Hardy Boys" with moustaches drawn on } all the faces; enough honey to paint Altoona; a brick; } seventy-three-and-a-half miles of the westbound lanes of Interstate 90, } preferably not in Minnesota; a chocolate malted milk shake with mint } chocolate chip ice cream, heavy on the malt; four gallons of Winsor & } Newton Chinese Red ink; a dog named Boo; the truth about Jack Kennedy; } one of those really cute shirts with the little polo player on the } breast, infested with fire ants; 500 shares of AT&T; the complete "My } Mother the Car"; the phone number of anyone who actually believes } anything that Pat Buchannan says; a lifetime subscription to "Screw" } magazine; a good name for a drink made of vodka, grenadine, and } Fizzies; two first-class round-trip plane tickets from Chicago to } almost anyplace; Santa Claus' fax number; everything you ever wanted to } know about sex but figured was geometrically impossible; a perfect } vacuum; a universal solvent; a perpetual motion machine; the } Philosopher's Stone; the Maltese Falcon; Godot; the Cask of } Amontillado; the treasure of Sierra Madre; and something that goes well } with three-week old mushroom pizza.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient one, I think I have found the place where all > of the socks go that come up missing in the dryer--millions > and millions of them.  What kind of price should I ask for > returning these personal effects?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Child.  Come and listen.  Come and learn.  Verily I say unto thou: } For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  The cosmos, } shall we say, is in a state of perfect harmony.  Now I don't mean to } say that your little life is in a state of perfect harmony, but the } big picture, viewed by one (ahem) who is capable of viewing the big } picture, is in harmony. } } I'm going to let you in on a secret (cross your heart and promise not } to tell):  for one seeking the answer to harmony in the universe, go } not the path well-trodden, the path of protons, ions, muons, Grand } Unification, Cosmic strings, etc, etc.  Why not choose the other path? } Yes - stray socks. } } Therefore, what you are asking then, is, For what price is harmony? } For what price is equilibrium in the Universe?  How much should I } charge to screw up the BIG EVERYTHING?  Frankly, I'm aghast.  You ask } me to be an accomplice to the rape of mankind.  I am aghast, but on the } other hand, one should not be too quick to judge.  Every idea, no } matter how bad, has some merit.  Maybe we can deal?  Hmmmmm. } } Ok.  Here's the bottom line.  I'll tell you the fair price for the sock } stash.  But I'll also tell you the ramifications for screwing with the } harmony of the universe.  If the price justifies the burden on your } soul, I say go for it.  If, on the other hand, it does not, well then } forget you even thought of it. } } Ramifications: } Men will get a period once a month, but women will have to shave.  Dogs } will understand what you say to them and will be able to talk back } (they don't like liver either).  Noses WILL grow when someone is } telling a lie, or even a slight falsehood.  Children will live with } their parents until the age of 35, at which time they will be able to } get a driver's license and vote.  People will constantly be in a state } of drunken stupor, and will sober up ONLY by consuming alcohol. } Youngsters will not be allowed to nap, but people with jobs will get a } mat with cookies and milk every day at 2:00 PM and will get to sleep } for 1 hour.  Basketball rims will be set at 18 feet, and football } fields at 300 yards.  Virtual time will be installed, that is the hour } between 9:00 and 10:00 AM will only take 5 minutes of real time, but } the hour from 8:00 to 9:00 PM will take 1 hour and 55 minutes. And } finally, there will be no Geraldo or Oprah or anyone else that that has } been on the cover of a supermarket tabloid. } } There you have it.  Not all good, not all bad. } The sock stash is worth about $400.00 (US).  It would be worth less, } but fortunately they've all been laundered. } } So harmony of the universe is in your hands.  Do with it what you will. } In any event, you owe the Oracle a black and yellow argyle (size 9-11), } and a white tube sock with red stripes.