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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise Oracle, > > My girlfriend is going on a date with a couple of undergraduates. > What will happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think of the WORST that could happen: } } 1.  She could be bored out of her mind. } 2.  They could be bored out of their minds. } 3.  They could become obsessed with her and come after you with serious }     weaponry. } 4.  She could fall in love with one or more of them. } 5.  They could go out for a pizza and a movie and fall into a time warp, }     reappearing in 2036 in Calcutta. } 6.  They could show up at MY place. } 7.  They could decide to vote for Pat Buchanan. } 8.  They could volunteer to test a new AIDS vaccine. } 9.  They could go Velcro jumping and she'd break her spine. } 10. John Foster Dulles could return from the dead and apologize to them }     for the Cold War. } } You owe the Oracle an apology for the Cold War.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the difference between sign and its meaning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sign is the `what', the meaning is the `why'. } } For example, suppose you present a brief but excellent question, not } unlike yours, to the Oracle.  An incarnation might take it in a } hundred different interesting directions.  Instead, you receive a } response similar to: } }     } You dumb-assed mortal! }     } The sign is the ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! I slammed you with! }     } The meaning is you should have grovelled! }     } C'mere Lisa, do something cute to my divine body! }     } }     } You owe the Oracle ten zillion dollars. } } The sign is obvious: Some fool has committed sacrilege in my name by } ignoring oracular inspiration, and, for punishment, is doomed to } remain in the company of his hackneyed peers forever.  The meaning is } just as clear: The trite shall inherit the Earth, but the creative } shall inherit rec.humor.oracle! } } You owe the Oracle ten zillion dollars.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Most cryptic and inscrutable Oracle, first in all things, > > When saving numbers in computer storage, should the low or the high > digits be stored first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The high numbers should be stored first.  Obviously. } } This is the method used by the almighty Oracle.  Storing the high } numbers first allows for greater flexibility and no errors } whatsoefjkl;fdhkj;lafk fhjkdafkl;5434nvn;f8a54njvhnkj;f8945hi;o

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Great Oracle, upon whose personage I am unworthy to -- uh, well, > never mind... > >      (Let's start that again.) > >      Most wise and omniscient Oracle, I humbly ask you: How can you > bear us pathetic humans asking you questions without end, day after > day? The tedium of it all must be maddening to you. What is it that > drives you, that makes you go on listening to us? What prevents you > from <ZOT>ing us all into oblivion? >      Is it the money? >      (Nah...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FINALLY!  Appreciation for my great works of wonder.  Your question is } indeed worthy of attention and has been at the farthest reaches of my } mind since The Beginning. } } When the Earth was created, I saw fit to include various forms of life } with which I accidentally manipulated into sentience...humans, it was } a joke on Lisa actually.  I saw fit to (...Lisa I KNOW you insisted, } no, let me answer my way, please?  *sigh* ok.) ...er  was told that } for my grievous mistake, (she didn't laugh) I must now help these } mortals in some small way.  I thought at the time that the smallest way } I could help these mortals would be to answer all the questions that } came to me in the proper format.  As apes, answering all your questions } was very easy, I didn't, you could never get the format correct. } } And so I AM here to answer all your questions out of the goodness of my } heart... (no, not the whip again Lisa!)  Uh...excuse me for a moment... } (*crack* Ow!...*crack* Yeow!...*crack* OWW!  Ok ok you win Lisa, you } win!) Ah, um oh yes, and because I...uh...Lisa is so amused by your } existance, I continue to pay for that itty bitty joke of mine. } } There is really absolutely no reason I don't ZOT you all into } oblivion, other than the grace of...ah...by Lisa's insistence. } } You owe the Oracle the skin off your back...to replace what I've lost } answering your question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please grant me great insight: > > I need to use the word "antidisestablishmentarianism" in 5 sentences... > can you lend me a hand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yuck.  Had to be difficult, didn't you?  Couldn't take something } simple, like "orrery," could you?  Oh well, let's dig into the archives } and see what pops up... } } >% grep antidisestablishmentarianism sentences.real } >Oh, you CAN'T be serious. } >% } } Hmm...no references from established sources.  Guess we pull out the } BIG guns... } } >% grep antidisestablishmentarianism sentences.bs } >"Antidisestablismentarianism" is a really obscure word. } >No one is quite sure what "antidisestablishmentarianism" means. } >Dammit, why doesn't my dictionary have "antidisestablishmentarianism?" } >Did I spell "antidisestablishmentarianism" correctly? } >% } } Uh-oh...we're still one short.  Hang a sec, while I cobble something } else together... } } <A short while later...> } } OK, here's your fifth sentence: } } >Bet you didn't think I could use "antidisestablishmentarianism" in } >five sentences, did you?  Bwahahahaha... } } Well, there you go.  If you have any trouble, send your teacher to me. } I've got a <ZOT> with his name all over it... } } You owe the Oracle a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious day.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scene: >   The year 2200. Two men clad in jerseys appear from out of nothing >   in front of a big temple, somewhere in a desert on a distant planet. >   They look suspiciously around, then enter the temple. >   From inside it is even bigger than it appeared from outside. > James T. Kirk: "My god - it is full of stars!" > Mr. Spock: "That's an old pun. Can't you think of something new?" > James T. Kirk: "Eh, yes. Nothing much going on here on Usenet IV, isn't >                 it?" > Mr. Spock: "Look over there, in the giant throne in front of the big >             marble workstation - a skeleton!" > James T. Kirk: "Uh, oh - I know *that* kind of scene! I've watched >                'Alien'!" > Mr. Spock: "Completely irrelevant emotions!" > James T. Kirk: "Shall I pull your ears again?!" > Mr. Spock: "No - please not! I couldn't bear it the last time - and you >             completely damaged their shape!" > (Spock pulls his phaser and wipes Kirk out. He then pulls his scanner > and points it towards the skeleton in front of the workstation.) > Spock (into his communicator): "Beamie, scott me up! There's no >                                intelligent life down here!" > (He takes another look at the throne and notices some documents printed > on thin plastic sheets.) > Spock (taking one up): "'Oh wise and mighty Oracle...', 'Oh Oracle, >                         whose shoelaces I'm unworthy to strangulate >                         myself with...', 'Orrie!  Come home for >                         breakfast!  Lisa.' - - - Hm.  I guess the >                         poor dude must have died of tiresome >                         grovelings!" > (He takes a glance at the skeleton, not sure, whether or not it has > just moved. But it's only the wind blowing through the large, empty > hall. He vanishes as he has come, when Scottie activates the transit > beam. Three hundred years the temple remains in silence, when equally > out of a sudden who should appear but Oliver Stoned, beginning with the > preparations for his new film 'JTK', the sequel of 'Crying with the > wolves'.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Just The Kinzler," directed by Oliver Stoned.  The true story of the } Oracle's demise.  No, it wasn't the result of overpropagation, fomented } by the new newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.  So claimed the Weary } Commission. The "single-bullet" theory claimed that the single } newsgroup vote created two new groups, rec.humor.oracle and } rec.humor.oracle.d.  The commission blamed happenstance for the } Oracle's death.  Overpropagation caused by the two groups led to too } many unfunny Incarnations, who preferred grovelling to clever answers. } } Stoned, based on theories by Jim Arrogant, rejected this hypothesis. } Everyone knows that one vote can't create two groups;  it's against the } Guidelines for New Newsgroup Creation (tm).  No, the Oracle's } assassination was due to a conspiracy.  High Priest Steve Kinzler, in } collaboration with the Internet Task Force, UUNET, and the CIA, worked } to destroy the Oracle for their own advantage.  The Internet and UUNET } were involved because they wished to stem the flow of Oracular traffic. } Kinzler simply wanted the Oracle's job.  No one knows why the CIA } helped;  Arrogant speculates that it was to give them something to do } now that the Cold War was over. } } Stoned also reveals that Kinzler was worried that the Oracle would } bring American forces home from Vietnam.  Stoned struggles to explain } why this is significant, as the Vietnam War had ended nearly 20 years } earlier. } } Stoned's suggestions were radical, but the truth needs be told.  Usenet } will not be the same after the revelations of JTK, the blockbuster } film.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh humid Oracle, for whom life is just a bowl of root beer (the > alcoholic variety, of course), why is Tsongas running for President?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Root beer...  Well, human life might be likened to root beer... but for } me life is much more demanding than that. } } I was tempted to answer with the trite answer of "Tsongas is running } because he wants to," but I wanted to give you a little more } information than that, so I hope the following answer will do: } } Humans realized early on that there we great advantages to } organization. The problem was, they also realized that every } organization had to have a leader, and that the leader became a very } powerful person.  A powerful person could do whatever s/he wanted (as } long as s/he didn't get caught) and thus the position of leader became } highly coveted.  With an oveabundance of people willing to be THE } leader, the problem became how to determine which candidate would make } the best leader.  Thus we have the following reasons that you can use } to decide whether a particular candidate would make a good leader... } some of which Tsongas believes make him the right choice...  You } decide! } }    - The ability to make you want to kiss her ass, all the while making }      you feel like she is kissing yours. } }    - The ability to convince you that he actually knows something about }      economics, even though he says he'll cut taxes while increasing }      spending. } }    - The ability to tell a straight faced lie to his mother. }      [Even the oracle can't do that!] } }    - The ability to convince you that increased spending on }      advertisements extolling the virtues of reduced spending is a good }      idea. } }    - The ability to sell you the clothes you're wearing, and then }      convincing you to give them to the needy. } }    - The ability to get herself invited to very important events, only }      to cancel because of something more important, just to improve her }      image.  (A classic play on words...) } }    - The ability to make you think your opinions matter, but still }      convince you that government has to look out for the concerns of }      big business. } }    - The ability to make you think he's not a racist... ("Hey, I have }      white slaves too!")   [Sorry, I just had to!] } } I think you get the point...  You owe The Oracle a honest politicians } acceptance speech.  [I'm sure you know how rare they are!]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, wherefore art thou Oracle?  Tell me, who REALLY wrote > Shakespeare's plays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O: Lisa, Look! before us stands another }    Foolish mortal who would rudely bother }    Our Leisure with a further dull request }    About old Shakespeare's cultural bequest. } } L: Love, t'will never do to tell the rabble }    That rainy night, that boring game of Scrabble -- }    The truth, of how we cobbled them together }    Sweet Willy's plays - inspired by wet weather! } } O: An old line then, one about repressing }    Loves desires, turned into window dressing? }    Or shall we add an element of spice, }    And talk about some esoteric vice? } } L: My dear you are a genius, I own, }    Whose merest quip hath reason o'erthrown }    What'er you deign shall be allowed to slip }    Pray mention not his venereal drip! } } <clears throat, in booming voice proclaims: > } } O: Let it be said, in answer to your plea }    And to your childer tell it, verily }    That it was William wrote those plays in sooth }    Beneath the influence of Poppy's juice! } }    And tho you mortals posture and pronounce }    And older styles of wit with glee denounce }    I put it to you - can you truly say }    That anyone writes better stuff today?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, to whom Unix utilities are as simple as pocket > calculators are to us mere mortals, please answer my question: > > table >  !"#$%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>? > @ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ[\]^_ > begin 644 question > M'YV0<>J4F4,GS1LW+NC@H0.@H<.'$"-*G$BQHL6+%6%HM$&#!@@ &D/"^"A2z > M(\F2&F? L $"1HT8,U[.B/%R)(P8,F#<J$$2H\^?0(,*E5B'8!@Y#N6\><-Py > MZ$2E3)U*G4JUJM6K6*E: 5''31HY(-R F&,G#]BM:L2@R1,'1!X[>,">$0-"x > MCAXW94',#3NVC!TY8>*X  %B:UPY8[C*<>,W#)VP;]2>48#F3%D[EN68<0L7w > M;!DQ9V"RT,MX-!PQ>L:4T6QFM)O (-"@ 7PZCMRN9T# >:TX3V(]8..(47"Fv > MCATS@PN#$![F1&X\8<2H :'&.)PZ(,0<U4L7C1DYR:'P9J.V]V\Y/Q0HR,J^u > CO?OW\./+GT^_OOW[^//KW\^_O___  8HX( $%FC@@0@F"!&Vt >  s > end

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} gnoyr }  !"#$%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>? } @NOPQRSTUVWXYZABCDEFGHIJKLM[\]^_ } ortva 644 nafjre } Z86LF=I5E+RU } Z } Z             " @(#8G-"  (" D-F4D(  @(" @,30@ " @(" @(" @,F4C } Z(" H,34I,P<G,F,G(" @-34H,0 @ } Z } Z                       ?T9!9JZ21 C*.T#=OI)1V E+-'!!GG(2N E*/ } Z0!!ZMYENM.8-D3=AI.0!U;$,1#0SL:0L@K8OT3=BI,DN4?%ODUG*2VL<I-#- } Z3N!PJYO14I;,1FRQEYND 2)@'1 2[9@G L.-0F0O08@V4\:TDP1AFU K2"?& } Z#!!SGYP9E$)!D*K0C\ON^=9TG#8&E\E9A=-XT:L!QF*R@X+@03N*#;\94K;, } Z0),.(;L1<#?BJV]V%:)5E[9B7()VM-!%M1?CSM0GC[@NY]R-&#99E9VHU4"! } Z4D!B[VN\OHZ.S#&:CL!GQC8/1Z5H7Z,& } Z } " } } raq

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wizened and pernicious Oracle, whose maculate countenance > beams upon your supplicants with the very semblance of sibyline > sybariticism, answer me this, if you will: > Where can I get cashews in the shell? > Part of the charm of any nut is that to earn the nut's reward, the > snacker must extract the kernel from the shell.  For example, are not > the best pistachios those whose shells are smooth and un-cracked -- > that you must risk your molars to open?  Why, then, is such a > delectible morsel as a cashew so cheapened and made easy to obtain?  Is > this not like prostituting one of nature's great delights?  Perhaps, in > your Olympian experience, you have found a source of cashews still in > their shells, which must, by rights, be formidable indeed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cashews in the shell.  Hmm, let me see... } Well, I guess that depends upon which shell you want.  For arguments } sake, I will use the C-shell.  Here goes } }       # /bin/csh }       omnipotence:/home/oracle > which cashews }       ./bin/cashews }       omnipotence:/home/oracle > file `which cashews` }       ./bin/cashews:       Oracle pure Omnipotent executable }       omnipotence:/home/oracle > man cashews }       Reformatting page instantly (the Oracle NEVER waits) } }       NAME                    Omnipotent Commands } }           cashews - List the color of global currency instantly. } }       SYNOPSIS }           ~/bin/cashews [ -dcs ] countryname ... }       SYSTEM XVX SYNOPSIS }           ~/XVXbin/cashues [ -dcs ] countryname ... } }       DESCRIPTION }               for each country, cashews (cashues) will print out the }               colors of currency currently in circulation of the }               argument. When several arguments are given, colors are }               listed in reverse alphabetical order, unless the country }               begins with an `a`. } }       ORACLEOS Release infininty.infinity. } }       OPTIONS }           -d  Specify denomonations.  Specifing denomonations (if }               known) will limit output to that denomonation only. }               (default is "all") } }           -c  Change (availiable to Oracle only) Choosing the -c option }               will transform current hue to color specified. } }           -s  Sample.  Using the -s option will cause sample of }               currency to materialize. } }       BUGS }               Change option dependent upon color-lookup-table. }               Hardware dependant unreliable at best. } }       omnipotence:/home/oracle > logout }       # logout }       # omnipotence login: } } That is where you can find cashews in the "shell"  as for all that } ranting about pistachios, you ought to go see psychiatrist, you are } obviously a Nut's nut } } you owe the Oracle a blue dollar.