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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, You have been giving fun and wise advice and > answers to many of my peer mortals. I wait each day to hear the > wonders and awesome Words You offer to your petitioners. Please > answer your humble devotee's question: I want to start a radio > control car shop, and make it possible for young racers to buy > good equipment at near wholesale prices. Unfortunately, I don't > have a rich uncle/aunt/relative/friend to fund the idea. How can > I accomplish this mortal, but worthwhile goal, of finding funding > to implement this idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lets see, How many funds could a fundfinder find, if a fundfinder } could find funds?  Oh wait, wrong thread and I *am* easily amused } today. Finding funding.... Hmmmm.... Ok here's what you do: } } How to start a model car shop without funding in 11 EZ steps: } ============================================================= } 1.  Get a rowboat. } 2.  Kidnap a woman. } 3.  Pack all your model stuff and some food and the woman into the }     rowboat. } 4.  Row to a deserted tropical island. } 5.  Build a hut and have children with the woman. } 6.  When the children are 18, declare yourself King of the island. } 7.  Declare all of you children senators. } 8.  Have them pass a resolution for funding for your model car shop. } 9.  When the funding comes through, put the money in the boat. } 10. Row back to your present home. } 11. Open model car shop. } } Hope that helps. } You owe the Oracle the truth about the Professor and MaryAnn.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O-racle, my racle, who raiseth my hackle, > most fearsome thou art; an emotional shackle, > for sooth doth thou utter, and mutter, and spew, > but oft dost thou claim recompense as thy due... > > Canst thou inform me, illustrious sage, > Why must he gesture whilst he says "Engage"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top ten reasons why Captain Picard gestures when he says "Engage": } 10. Thinks its a memorable trademark. }  9. It's a strong gesture to offset his accent. }  8. Has something to do with the Borg. }  7. Is really giving marriage advice to Will Riker. }  6. Trying to confuse Counsellor Troi about his feelings. }  5. Outlet for his sub-concious aggressive nature. }  4. Really wants to shoot Wesley Crusher }  3. It's about time to go to the HoloDeck for target practice. }  2. Is daydreaming about doing "Cowboys and Cowgirls" with Beverly }     Crusher. }  1. Is really reminding Wesley Crusher where the Engage button is! } } Most unworty supplicant, whose verse - most crude, } thy must upload the Oracle the complete FASA rules!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, whose name I whisper at night, whose toe-jam I am not > worthy to mix with peanut butter on toast, please answer me this one > question: > > What happens to all those little paper circles I make when I use my > hole-punch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your grovel needs a bit more circumspection; a mere flutter of a brain } cell or two would tell even a cringing human such as you that deities } do not suffer this 'toe jam' affliction.  Like smegma, politicians, and } rap music, toe jam is endemic to the human race. } } Back to your holey query.  It's a little known fact (actually, I'm the } only one that knows it) that paper has a latent intelligence.  Trees, } being very intelligent creatures, have been a quite upset with } mankind's use of their fellow trees for purposes as benign as toilet } paper, The National Enquirer, and office stationary.   They wanted } revenge. } } The process of cutting down a tree, mixing it with chemicals, and } pressing out paper does not remove the native intelligence of trees } from the paper; it merely causes it to become latent, waiting for three } sharp punctures to cause it to awaken.  The hole punch was carefully } designed, by trees, in order to punch out the three loci of } intelligence in each sheet of paper (in the case of European trees, } four loci) into a container.  This container is carefully designed so } that when the amount of intelligent circles reaches critical mass, the } container will pop open, spilling out the paper circles on the office } carpet.  The unwitting human usually attempts several different } fruitless methods of retrieving these circles, first trying to brush } them into their hands, then picking them up one by one, and finally } abandoning the effort, leaving it for the janitorial staff to handle. } The time spent by each human in this effort has been estimated to be } one man-hour per week, and is increasing as the paper circles learn } more tenacious maneuvers.  At the current growth rate, by 1999 the } average office worker will spend twenty working hours per day dicking } around with paper circles, instead of cutting down trees. The } productivity loss calculations for the janitorial staff is left as an } exercise for the reader. } } You owe the Oracle 10,000 paper circles, each picked up from a smooth } surface

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most Astoundingly Munificent Oracle, > whose old shoe leather I am unworthy to taste, > Most Strangely Benevolent Oracle, > whose earwax is like nectar, > Most Unspeakably Sublime Oracle, > whose very nose hairs I am unfit to even gaze upon, > > I have but one small question, which, though > insignificant to your Magnanimous Greatness, has > troubled me of late to the point of sleeplessness: > > Which is best, when entertaining foreign > dignitaries in one's humble yurt -- to serve > copious quantities of the aged fermented milk of a > Tuvan Yak, or to lay out a sumptuous banquet of > Uzbekh Radishes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa, where're the radishes?  No, not those radishes, the uzbekh } radishes! We don't have any?  What do you *mean* we don't have any? } How am I supposed to entertain Delphi without uzbekh radishes?  MILK? } Hardly! Fermented?  You mean, as in, alcoholic?  Hmm.  Sounds good. } } *knocks heard in background, then the creaking of a door* } } Delph m'friend, come on in!  Here, have some *ahem* milk.  Oh yes, it } truly is heavenly.  Delph?  Delph?  Where are you going?  You didn't } finish your -- oh my word.  That looked painful.  How did that fit out } of his mouth?  And how did he eat it in the first place?  Ooh, that was } bad.  Wait, Delph, come back here... Oh Delph, why are you eating my } lawn? Come on, stop, that grass is expensive.  Oh my.  Lisa, call the } police... Tell them there's a rabid oracle on the loose. } } You owe the Oracle a carton of uzbekh radishes and a rabies shot.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT KEEPS ME FROM MELTING?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... Well, without more information on your specific body } composition and your living environment, it's hard to tell. } } There are many possibilities... } } * You could be wearing Frosty the Snowman's magic hat. } } * You could be posting from santa@workshop.north.pole.COM. } } * You could have been freeze-dried at an early age. } } * You could be avoiding all contact with the opposite sex.  (Believe }    me, one look into Lisa's eyes and *I* start melting...) } } * You could be sharing sleeping accommodations with Walt Disney. } } * You could be watching "NOW It Can Be Told" and be bored so stiff as }    to be impervious to melting. } } * You could have ALREADY melted, and thus further melting would be }   impossible. } } * You get the general idea. } } However, if I may take a wild guess, I would say that the reason that } you're not melting is that you've frozen off the sections of your mind } that normally would aid you in purchasing used automobiles, playing the } bassoon and/or composing multi-line questions. } } You owe the Oracle a question that is a) more than four lines long and } b) smaller than "The Song Of Hiawatha".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who is OK by me, > > This A.M. I FTP'd a new OS from JPL-NASA's SS1 to my new SS2. PDQ I > used TFTP to boot diskless, and IMHO I did a swell job.  Sure enough, I > start up and can't use AFS because XNTP thinks I'm in GMT instead of > EST.  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're SOL.  BFD. TANSTAAFL.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and allknowing oracle, do tell me.... > > My grandfather puts vaseline on his water pump because he's afraid > grease would contaminate his drinking water.  What should I do? > > Thanks oracle!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, all right, all right.  Let's see now....do you want the G rated } answer or the X rated answer?  I'll put them both in; only read one or } you're doomed! } } (if (desired (rating "G")) }     (send-answer " } }       G RATED ANSWER: }               You don't need to do anything.  Your grandfather, wise }               beyond your understanding, uses vaseline on his water }               pump because grease contaminates the water. } }       You owe the Oracle a glass of pure spring water, }       uncontaminated with grease, and more respect for your elders. }      ") }      (if (not (desired (rating "X"))) }         (zot supplicant) }         (send-answer " } }       X RATED ANSWER: }               You don't need to do anything.  Your grandfather, wise }               beyond your understanding, is using elliptical }               language to assure you that he is using safe sex }               practices to insure your health. } }       You owe the Oracle a "glass" of pure "spring water" }       uncontaminated with "grease" (nudge nudge) and a large tube }       of KY jelly.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't people believe that Paganism is a real religion?  They even > believe that Southern Baptism is one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh* Why don't people learn that if they expect a decent answer } from the Oracle, they've got to do a little groveling. It's not too } much to ask in return for the benefit of infinite wisdom. } As your question was prefaced with not the least bit of supplication, } oh arrogant mortal, I don't think you deserve an answer. Ask again, } and this time, do it right! } } "Orrie, come back to bed...." } } Just a second, Lisa. I'm explaining the necessity of groveling to } another clueless mortal. They're lucky I don't just <ZOT!> them on the } spot. } } "Now, now, Orrie. Remember that you chose this job. Why don't you just } answer the question and come back to bed. I'll go find the jello." } } Fortunately for you, my proud friend, there's nothing the Oracle likes } more than Lisa except Lisa with jello. My mood is improving and, though } you certainly don't deserve it, I will share a bit of my omniscience } with you. } } Have you noticed that many of the people who don't think paganism is } a religion *are* Southern Baptists. Some people seem to feel that } religion implies God-the-father, and don't take well to } Goddess-the-Mother or even } Oracle-the-Omnipotent-Font-of-Infinite-Wisdom-who-ought-t } be-addressed-with-suitable-groveling. Fortunately, this disease can be } treated with ample quantities of backpacking, meditation, sex, drugs, } and rock and roll. } } "I've got the Jello....Where are you?" } } Pardon me, it's time for my medicine. } } You owe the Oracle a question with some serious boot-licking, } brown-nosing groveling.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, O-master! > > Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  A good question, and one that the Oracle happens to have } personally experimented with.  The results of keeping sour cream } around after the expiration date are truly amazing, and you really } should try it yourself, but I can summarize my data for you. } } I found that there are two further states of sour cream, that are } usually not preferred by mammals.  These typically begin to set in } place several days after the expiration date.  The first of these, } termed RSC (really sour cream), occurs fairly soon after the expiration } date has passed. The consistency begins to change and grow more lumpy. } The very top section can become quite firm, and on occasion require a } knife to cut. } } The Oracle believes that RSC is related to sour cream in a similar way } that brandy is related to wine, that is a higher state of fermentation. } While no longer tasty over baked potatoes, it is more suitable for } things such as rutabaga. } } The second state has been called RFC (really foul cream).  This is } usually encountered during experiments with RSC, when the container } is left out on the counter overnight or perhaps for a weekend.  The } result is similar in consistency with RSC, with some color changes } around the edges.  The blackened parts acquire a particularly strong } flavor, but still have some application: it is especially good at } adding that peculiar background flavor to dips and sauces that no one } at your party will be able to identify until several hours later.  Goes } well with things like aged scrapple and cheap cigars. } } For a truly low calorie experience, try a sandwich of old scrapple, } RFC, spray cheese, and a touch of RFM (really foul mayonnaise).   After } this you will be able to eat as much as you want of anything you like } for about 2 hours without having to worry about gaining any weight } whatsoever.  This marvelous discovery has yet to make its way into } the medical journals, although The Oracle's article on the subject } will soon be printed in an upcoming edition of the Weekly World News. } } You owe The Oracle a copy of Bulemic Gourmet's _Up_N_Coming_ cookbook.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scene: The Oracle is sitting at his desk, in front of a giant > workstation and a marble telephone with a golden receiver and a > platinum dial. Lisa is sitting on the Oracle's lap, more beautiful than > ever. A mortal supplicant is crawling along the floor in meanders, > groveling: > > Mortal: Oh mighty Oracle, whose carpet has all the colours of the >         rainbow, whose love is carressing as a wooden blanket and whose >         long and bushy tail has more hairs than the ocean has raindrops >         could you turn your attention that makes the N. Y. police look >         like a bunch of mattress testers to a humble, silly and mortal >         supplicant? > > While groveling, the mortal has comer very near to the desk of The > Oracle. Suddenly he jumps up, drawing something out of his pocket that > looks like a combination of a pocket calculator and a harpoon. > > Mortal: HA! Finally my hour has come! You have <ZOT>ted me so many >         times from here to the horizon I can't count it any more. But >         now I learned the trick! > (he raises his peculiar instrument, hacking the keys and winding some > kind of winch) >         TAKE THAT!                  <ZOT!> <ZOT!> <ZOT!> and <ZOT!>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal:  <ZOT!> <ZOT!>, er uhhh..... } } The mortal suddenly realizes that his <ZOT>ing instrument is doing } nothing more than shooting some very mild <ZOT>s about two inches past } the muzzle.  The Oracle looks on with a slight smirk forming on his } lips and Lisa appears very smug and snuggles closer to the Oracle. } } The mortal begins to tremble while the Oracle laughs. } } Oracle:  Really my foolish mortal, did you think that you could }       <ZOT> me here, in my domain? } } The mortal falls to the ground, whimpering and cowering. } } Oracle:  Actually, to be honest, Kinzler thinks I've been doing }       too much <ZOT>ing lately and he's turned the power WAY }       down on the <ZOT> software.  Frankly, the whole thing is doing }       little more than evolving into a cheap joke. } } A pause while the mortal looks up, thinking maybe he won't be fried } into a greasy puddle after all. } } Oracle:  Ha ha.  But I found the Gnu<ZOT> package which is more }       powerful than before.  Ha Ha Ha. } }                       Gnu<ZOT>!!! } } Of course, all that remains of the impertinent mortal is a greasy } puddle.