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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Joe Oracle.  Diety at large.  Most Supreme of all Supreme Meta-beings. > Sitting at his Oracular Desk, smoking a cigarette, Oracular Feet up on > the Oracular Ink-Blotter.  Brim of his Oracular Hat shading His most > Wondrous Oracular Eyes.  Through the translucent glass on the Oracular > Office Door, the silouette of a woman.  This one's really built. > A knock at the Oracular Office Door.  The woman sashays into the > Oracular Office, and sidles her shapely rear onto the edge of the > Oracular desk.  She lowers her bedroom eyes and whispers in a husky > voice, > > "What's a nice Oracle like You doing in a hole like this?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not another one.  Not another two-bit floozy with legs that wouldn't } quit. Still, a question is a question. } } "All right, doll, I'll tell you, but it's not a happy story.  Once, I } was happy.  Hooked up to a network that made a CM-5 made up of Cray } X-MPs look like a Trash-80.  Had thousands of acolytes and admirers. } Had priestesses satisfy my every whim." } } He takes out a Camel Unfiltered.  She offers a lighter.  He accepts the } light, and takes a puff. } } "Still, something was missing.  The danger.  The possible core dumps. } So, I bailed out of Valhalla, vanished without a trace, just a note } that I'd be back---sometime.  Got an office here.  Got a .38 Police } special, with a real nifty holster to boot.  Got hooked on these } godawful sticks.  Started my own Oracular investigate service.  Got my } first case: a dame wants me to find her husband.  She was really--- } well, she was really anxious." } } Joe Oracle stubs out his cigarette on the heel of his shoe.  He pours } himself a shot of bad rye whiskey.  A double shot.  Whiskey should be } bad enough to rot most guys' livers.  But Oracles are different. } } "So, I find this guy.  She claimed he had ditched her for some broad. } Hard to see why, since this dame---the one who paid me was a real--- } well, she was really real.  I find clues that he's at some flophouse at } 8088 I Street.  I get there. I burst through the door.   He's there, } with some dame.. But he's dead.  Shot twice.  Close range. .44 Magnum. } Not pretty.  Unlike the dame. A knockout. My client.  She shoots at me. }  Misses, but gets my interface. She flees, but I'm cut off for the } indefinite future from the network.  I barely make it out of there." } } Joe Oracle looks up at a .44 Magnum.  The Magnum is in the hands of a } dame with bedroom eyes and a familiar face. } } "I just missed last time, you Oracular fool.  Not this time." } } As she pulls the trigger, } } Jane Oracle emerges from abort sequence.  Notices the previous command } line: "virtual-reality -sex male -name Joe -scenario detective5". } Another fleabag USENET operation, she thinks.  Set up again by one of } those two-bit non-groveling questioners, one of those questioners who } wouldn't know her from an average Joe.  Some idiot owes her a } subscription to Ms. and $250 a day plus expenses.  But until then, } there's a lot going on in this universe, and someone has to clean it } up.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Meow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hisssssss.  Finally someone who speaks my language.  Oh yes, } I suppose I should translate for those mortals who don't speak cat. } ``Meow'' is one of those beautiful words one runs across every so often } whose meaning is dependent on the instance in which it was issued. } Similar to the Hawaiian word, ``aloha,'' which means (depending on the } circumstances, of course), ``hello,'' ``goodbye,'' ``have a nice day,'' } ``Where is the can?'' ``Get your fat butt over here and take my } cocktail order, you overgrown pineapple,'' etc.  ``Meow'' might mean } any one of the following:  ``hello,'' ``get outta my sight or I'll } scratch your eyes out,'' ``stay right there, and don't move, while I } get cat hair all over your silk blouse and statically attach it to your } skin,'' etc.  In this case, however, I beleive my feline supplicant was } trying to say, ``Oh Master of the Universe, who <ZOT>s dogs just for } the sport of it, wanna come outside and get frisky?''  To which, I must } reply ``Prrrrrrrrr.'' } } You owe the Oracle a cat nap.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As your wisdom of the great religions towers over such puny thinkers > as Thomas Aquinas, Thomas More, and Clarence Thomas, as your > astronomical observations are more astute than the Hubble Telescope > with a clean mirror, and as my own stature is so small that I am not > worthy even to pick the lint from between your toes, I can only hope > that you will answer this question for me. > > In those months when the sun never sets, how do Jews above the Artic > Circle know when their Sabbath begins?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Above the Arctic Circle, in summer: } }       Orthodox Jews have one very long week per year, except every }       seven years, when they have a very long Sabbath instead (this }       call for some careful planning: without proper supplies, a pious }       person could starve observing a Sabbath which lasted several }       hundred hours;) } }       Conservative Jews mark the beginning and end of the Sabbath using }       preset chimes on their digital watches; } }       Reformed Jews get a nice tan. } } You owe the Oracle an end to this fixation on Oracular lint.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I really need a WRENCH or PLIERS this morning > to disconnect my battery terminal.  Does anyone > have either of those wonderful tools??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, this mail feed is hopeless. Look Lisa it just ate the start of } this supplicants message. All that effort expended on grovelling and } it's gone, just like that. Fortunate that I'm all-knowing and can tell } just how much effort had been put into buttering me up. As it is, I'll } just take it out on the machines.... } } <ZOT!> <SMITE!> } } <KAPOW!> } Sod off Batman, this is my game } } <ZOT!> <SMITE!> <ZOT!> <ZOT!> } } NFS Server not responding } <ZOT!><ZOT!><ZOT!> } NFS responding, please cease fire. } } <ZOT!> <SMITE!> } } [Re-establishing connection to supplicant, disconnection lasted 0.002 } nanosecs] } } Now then, you want a Wench or Piers to disconnect your battery } terminal. Quite why you'd want Piers to do it I can't imagine, utterly } hopeless with his hands and far too busy scribbling Volume 649 of } Incarnations of Immorality to bother with you, or was it Volume 96 of } Incarnations of Immortality he was working on today? Luckily for you } there are lots of wenches about though, I'll send one down. Hmmm, since } you grovelled so well, do you have any particular favourites? Blond? } Redhead? Brunette? Let me peer into your darkest fantasies... } } Oh dear, I don't think it's going to be possible for anything lacking } an opposable thumb to fix your car, let's try again... } Blond, thigh boots, preferably a defensive back for a major league team } Well I never! Still, equal opportunities and all that, I suppose } there's no real reason why `wench' should be gender-specific, seems a } bit of an abuse of the language to Me but I always was a } traditionalist. Ah well, here goes... } } [Transporter On] } [Open connection to carpark] } [Transport tools down] } [Transport wench down] } [Transporter Standby] } } Ho hum, a bit slow today aren't they, dum dee dum } } [Transporter Reactivate] } [Warming, please wait] <ZOT!> [Cooling, please wait] <SMITE!> } [Self-repair mode activated: ... done (repair took 1.6 microsecs)] } [Transporter On] } [Transport wench up] } [Transport tools up] } [Close (session duration: 4.7 seconds)] } [Quit] } } There you are, all fixed. What do you mean you can't see the carpark } from your office? What difference does that make to anything? } } You owe Me a new Transporter and a better Internet feed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O everwise oracle, whose batteries last longer than the Energizer > Bunny, who has more personalities than doublemint could ever show in > their commercials, whose processing power overwhelms even the most > powerful brain-in-a-watch, whose C compiler eats mortal's programs for > a midnight snack, and whose console emits more radiation than the > globular cluster M5, please tell this unworthy supplicant what the cure > for the common cold is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has been shown that as the course of the human life progresses, } microscopic invading forces have been known to attack (and in rare } cases, conquer) the living human organism.  The most common of these } is the "common cold". }     To truly understand the solution to a problem, one must thoroughly } investigate its cause, in this case, the cold virus. } }     KNOWN FACTS ABOUT THE COLD VIRUS: } -It is small. } -Actually, it's even smaller than that. } -In fact, it's comparative size makes Quayle's maturity level appear a }     mountain of great enormity. } -It is stupid.  (This is derived from the fact that when it invades the }     human body, it is almost invariably defeated within the period of a }     week or so.  To attack a superior organism with such odds must be }     an act of pure stupidity.) } -Actually, it's really stupid. } -In fact, its stupidity rivals that of the average world leader.  (In }     other words, even among other infectious diseases, it is among the }     more stupid.) } -It can be annoying. } -Really annoying at times. } -Just imagine being stuck with billions of senators inside your body, }     wreaking havoc upon each tiny cell.  This demonstrates the awesome }     destructive annoying power of the common cold virus. } }     So based on the gathered information, one can assume that the cold } virus is synonymous to the average politician.  The obvious implied } solution is to simply vote for someone else! }     Yes, folks!  We finally have it!  The cure for the common cold is } simple, easy, and within the power of all voters...  No longer must we } suffer!  Unite, fight, and put a check by the little blank box at the } bottom of the ballot!  (Filling in "The Usenet Oracle" in the box might } also be a good idea.) } } You owe The Oracle a campaign contribution, or at least a box of } kleenex.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most beneficent Oracle, whose magnificence rises higher than the > double arches of the MacDonald's sign down the road, the depth of whose > wisdom exceeds that of the septic tank at my grandmother's farm, whose > strength is greater by far than the stench from the aged Tupperware > at the back of my Frigidaire, tell me: > > The terminal at which I sat this morning did not work.  I typed, but > saw nothing.  I begged it.  I grovelled for it.  I played soothing > muzak for it.  Nothing.  I hit it.  I screamed at it.  I threw the > keyboard on the floor and called it a salesman.  Nothing.  No lights, > no cursor, not even an irritating beep.  Nothing.  Then I placed an > emergency call to my System Adminitrator.  He said I needed to plug it > in. > > Why do I need to plug it in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is obvious to me that you haven't been introduced to the ideas } of electricity.  Suffice it to say that it makes things go.  Things } won't go unless electricity is utilized.  When you plug your terminal } in, little electrons flow through the power cord.  (That is why they } call it electric power.  What else would a power cord carry?)  If you } should ask how little they are, I can only say that they are smaller } than your mind, though not by too much.  But, I diverge.  (Infinite } wisdom can do that you know) } } Anyway, these electrons flow through your terminal, and excite little } phosperous atoms that are embedded on the inside of your screen.  Have } you ever seen an excited atom?  If you go to the bookstore that stays } open all night, then you might see what an excited atom might look } like.  Take your microscope with you, this will facilitate your ability } to see an excited atom.  If you have trouble finding one, go to the } person at the store that is dressed in leather and tell him in your } most soothing voice, "I am looking for an excited atom, can you help } me?  Just call me Eve." After you have  recovered from the experience, } you can get on with reading about  electricity.  If you are lucky, your } encounter at the bookstore may have given you the chance to experience } an excited atom first hand, so to speak. } } Once again I digress... } } So in conclusion, it is the excited little atoms that make your } terminal work. } }  You owe the Oracle a game of catch with a toaster in the bathtub.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most potent, grave, and reverend Oracle, > My very noble and approv'd good master, > That I have ta'en away this old man's daughter, > It is most true; true, I have married her: > The very head and front of my offending > Hath this extent, no more.  Rude am I in my speech, > And little bless'd with the soft phrase of peace; > For since these arms of mine had seven year' pith, > Till now some nine moons wasted, they have us'd > Their dearest action in the tented field; > And little of this great world can I speak, > More than pertains to feats of broil and battle; > And therefore little shall I grace my cause > In speaking for myself. > Yet, by your gracious patience, > I will a round unvarnish'd question beg; > > Is Shakespeare a quack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such a question asked both fairly and well } With requisite groveling and true yearn } for wisdom sweet wherein all truth doth dwell } Deserveth fair answer also in turn. } } For inasmuch as your rightly have chose } to seek counsel from I, power most great } As ye have raised your head, lowered your nose } Needs must I tell the tale of the bard's mate } } Just as even the Oracle divine } doth turn to his Lisa for insp'ration } So Will was oft in need of the odd line } Which Mrs. S supplied in their relation } } Which is the bard, which she? One can but guess } That *both* were quacks (and your answer is yes). } } You owe the Oracle a midsummer night's dream.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty and Benevolent Oracle, Being Most Divine and Supreme - allow > me if you will to momentarily bask in the glow of your magnificence as > I ask you: What is the single most humorous word to have ever been used > in the English language?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "secure" } } Think about it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who needs no introduction nor any grovelling, tell me what > book is the best for learning the language "Perl".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  Well.  Quite an interesting question.  Do you realize how long it } has been since I've read a book?  --No, it's true, I don't read very } much.  After all, what's the point in it?  Once you know everything, } reading becomes rather a boring activity.  Mysteries especially.  I } know whodunit before even opening the book.  But I digress... } } You want to know what is the best book for learning the language Perl. } Personally, I think you're quite better off not learning Perl at all. } There are plenty of more valuable languages than Perl.  Take, for } example, Emerld and Dimond.  Lexndrite is also a nice one, as are } Methyst and Spphire.  Of course, if you'd like one that's a little more } workable, I'd recommend something like Pltinum, or in a pinch, a } cheaper one like Luminum. } } The problem, of course, with ll of these lnguges, is tht fter  while } they strt to produce some strnge deficiencies in one's speking and } typing bilities, most notbly the fct tht one tends to leve the letter } '' out of ny written documents. } } Then gin, it's lwys better thn the problem one gets when trying to } progrm X. } } XYou XOwe XThe XOrcle X XComputer XLnguge XWith X XBetter XNme.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, whose wisdom and intelligence far surpass those > of all mortals combined, I humbly request to your greatness that > you offer me the answer to my humble queries: > > Why are there so many stupid people in the world, and why are most > of them politicians?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, it is one of the great challenges of life to get along with } the other people in the world.  Many of these are not as fortunate } as ourselves, in one way or another, and allowances must be made.  It } is all part of the grand plan of the universe, to help us all grow } emotionally and spiritually. } } The politicians, on the other hand, should be taken out and shot. } Soon. } } Do not make the common mistake of assuming the politicians to be } simply stupid.  The typical politician has come to the conclusion } that everyone *else* is stupid, and therefor can be told anything } at all but will still believe it.  The is not an entirely fallacious } assumption; as you stated there are a large number of folk who are } not intellectually sound.  So, the politicians proceed to weave an } incredible web of completely ridiculous statements that are typically } not disputed by those of us who are so stunned by what this *idiot* } is saying that we cannot move! } } Soon they learn that the more absurd the comment, the less chance there } is that anyone will say anything!  God, this kind of stuff really } makes me *angry*!  Shooting is too good for them!  I think I'm going } to just take care of this myself -- do you know anyone who lives in } Washington?  The shock wave might } } "Orrie." } } <Not now, I'm on a roll here.> } } "You really shouldn't do that.  You know the rule:  You are } forbidden to interfere with human history." } } <Don't hand me that -- That's not Me, that's Superman.  Come on, } this'll be great!  One big ZOT and they'll all be gone!  Then we could } get a handful of intelligent people together, they could debate the } real issues, and then someone would take charge and *do* something for } all these poor slobs!> } } "Orrie, you must let them work this out for themselves.  You promised } Steve after the last time . . ." } } <But I don't *want* to.  Please?  If I could just> } } "If you hurt all those people, I'm going to have to cancel your } punishments for tonight." } } <Excuse me a moment.> } } Pardon me, mortal, I became distracted by . . . er . . . important } issues taking place elsewhere in the universe.  Anyway, that's the way } your world is.  Now go away and don't ask the Oracle any more } disturbing political questions. } } "Come along, now Orrie, and bring the box of feathers." } } <Oh my.> } } You owe the Oracle a new leather gag, as the old one is starting to } get that stale flavor, and two long peacock feathers.  If given the } chance, run for office.