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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who knows the relationship between P and NP, has > falsified the extended continuum hypothesis, and can explain the Pauli > exclusion principle to grammar school students, perhaps you could deign > to answer a political question.   Why is Dan Quayle still Vice > President?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Lisa - Lisa! Stop reading that book about the Pauli Principle! }         Come here and see what question that mortal has dared to ask }         me! A POLITICAL Question! } Lisa: Oh, Orrie! You know, it's that time of the year when those humans }       are doing that weird thing they call voting again. Don't <ZOT> }       him! After all he has asked a reasonably serious question, hasn't }       he? Perhaps he has a serious problem with Dannie being still the }       Vice President? After all, he's got many vices, but perhaps he }       knows a better candidate for the office? C'mon Orrie - help him. }       I'll be good to you afterwards. } Oracle: I never can resist you dear. O. k. - so be it! } } iuvax::oracle> ZOT -t }   ZOT called. Enter target. } iuvax::oracle> target = 'George Bush' }   ZOT accepted target. }   Last <ZOT> location of 'George Bush' = 'Japanese Dinner Party'. }   Location still valid? } iuvax::oracle> locate target /new }   Target located and locked. Location = 'Golf course'. }   Intensity? } iuvax::oracle> intensity = infinity } iuvax::oracle> ZOT! }   ZOT called. ZOT activated. ZOT found target. ZOT zotted. Target }   destroyed. EXIT ZOT. } iuvax:: oracle> logout } } There you have it. Dan Quayle isn't vice president any more. } } You owe the oracle a movie called 'GHWB'.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my roomate eating raw spinach in bed while watching Popeye?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmph.  I see that the mortals are shirking their groveling duties once } again.  Perhaps a nice ZOT! in the 40 megawatt range would cure their } attitude. } } "Oh, not now Orc-a-licious.  I'm tired and my feet hurt.  Come to bed } and rub me." } } Now Lisa, I can't just neglect my duty and responsibilities.  After } all, how can I-- } } "I just bought a new can of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup..." } } Well...  <ahem>  Perhaps just this once.  I'll just pop up the ol' } maildaemon and let this mortal get what he deserves.  Be with you in a } minute snoogy-woogy-wips. } } Deep Thought> cat /oracle/mail/1.458E202 > grovel.analysis | xreply } } Calculating...one moment please... } } Grovel Index = 0.00% } } Initiating return-feed FAQ #245 -- The Etiquette of Groveling } } To: losermortal@stoopid.neener.head.com } Subject: Request Denied } --------- } } The Oracle has not pondered your question deeply.  In fact, He did not } so much as glance at it for a femtosecond.  The Oracle (may he bless my } unworthy multi-processors) in his infinite patience and mercy, decided } to spare your senseless, boring, inadequate life.  Had His } Most-High-And-Infinite-Goodness decided to <*ZOT*> you, not a single } bit of organized matter would remain where you are now sitting.  The } local janitorial staff would have cursed the greasy spot of your } remains, mopped you up like yesterday's vomit, and tossed you into the } crusty sewers of your inadequate existance. } } Today is the luckiest day of your life. } } Instead of blasting you into the nth dimension, the Oracle (for reasons } known only to Him) has decided that you will be his Messenger to the } unwashed ignorant masses of humanity. } } Do not fail him. } } Your question lacked the proper grovel-quotient and was totally } rejected. To ensure that your crudely stated questions reach the } Almighty Oracle in the future, you must used an adequate amount of } grovelling.  A grovel quotient of 50% is the absolute minimum, 99% is a } step above barely adequate. } } The grovel quotient reflects the proportionate amount of text used in } groveling to His Total Gnarliness, The Oracle.  If you type 100 words } and 68 of them are groveling keywords (see partial list below), your } grovel quotient is 68%. } } I *strongly* suggest that your next communique' to The Omnipotent } Oracle have a minimum grovel factor of 112% (I leave it to you to } figure out how to attain this level). } } As His Messenger, you must repeatedly tell everyone how to grovel.  You } must hold groveling workshops at your place of work or educational } attainment. You must go on the 700 Club and tell Pat "I'm a Day-Glo } Hallucinating Chipmunk" Robertson of your sins and warn others from the } dismal path of non-groveling.  You must advertise in your local paper. } You must convert your bedroom into a groveling shrine (as if you got } any actual use out of your bedroom in the first place).  You must crawl } on your hands and knees to the local Mr. Donut and tell that funny guy } with the mustache all of your horrendous existance.  If you do } not...well...let's just say the Big Dude of Occularity will not be } pleased at all... } } To help your future insignificant requests, I have included a partial } list of groveling keywords.  For a more comprehensive review, see "Dan } Quayle's Complete Guide to Butt-Kissing, vol. 3" } } Some grovel keywords and phrases: } }    supplicant                 unworthy              pus-extruding }    boil ignorant              pharmaceutical        omniscient }    Oracle omnipotent Oracle   impotent slave        whips }    Lisa                       zero                  putrid existance }    sewer                      Jesse Helms           foul smelling }    lick                       smegma                genital warts } } I'm sure you will be able to figure out the proper placement of these } words in your next braindead question. } } You owe the Oracle one replica of Dan "Tub o' Flaccidity" Quayle's } Medal of Honor, three copies of "The Frugal Gourmet Cooks Felines," and } one life-size blow up doll covered in olive oil.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Wise and capitalized Oracle, whose knowledge would cover a full > length dining table even if written in atom sized letters your humble > and unworthy toady supplicant begs an answer to the following question: > Which religion is the best ?  And which one is right ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question,  considering there is no answer! } But I will explain to you why there IS no answer to your question, } because then you will be troubled no more by it,  for it is a question } many mortals ask... } } You ask the question assuming there is a best religion,  and there is } no best religion.  A better question to ask may be which is the worst, } but that is another question.  None of the religions of your planet } earth describe everything you need to know to live a full,  happy life } and continue on in the after-life.  In fact,  almost every religion has } the wrong afterlife.  The real after-life is like this: } } You suddenly appear in a universe-sized bowl of jello,  and you are 19 } years old,  and so is everyone else.  And everyone is either fully } satisfied or enjoying themsleves ( or others ) very much. } } The other problem is that no religion has the proper philosophy in } order to attain this happy after-life successfully.  The proper } philosophy is as follows: } } Help yourselves and others,  don't hurt yourself or others,  and if the } help outweighs the hurt in a situation then consider it helping.  Also, }  be sure to worship in a bowl of jello. } } Most religions have too many contradictions,  are not simple enough, } or they leave out the part about the jello.  How can you forget the } jello if you are preparing for your happy after-life?  This sort of } worship is not only fun,  but it DEFINITELY strengthens community } bonding,  if ya no wot a meen. * nudge nudge * } } As Shakespeare once wrote in Hamlet,  There is more in heaven than your } philosophies have ever dreamt of,  to paraphase. } } So if you are thinking about which religion to follow,  definitely } follow the jello one.  I happen to advocate it because I am the supreme } being that everyone worships.  Did I forget to mention that? } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of cherry-flavored jello.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Dean spake, saying unto the people, "How can we improve your > working conditions?" > > And the people responded, saying "O gracious Dean, we must install > deodorizers in the Women's Restrooms, that they smell fresh and not > stinky." > > And the Dean said, "Let deodorizers be hung in the women's restrooms, > that the restrooms be fresh and not stinky," and Lo!  It was done, as > the Dean sayeth, and the Dean saw that it was good. > > But the people heeded not the word of the Dean, and the deodorizers in > the women's restrooms were stolen, and the restrooms became stinky > once more. > > But the Dean was kind, and said unto the people, "We will negotiate, > and put a commercial deodorizing system into the restrooms, and they > will become fresh again." > > Lo, O Oracle, he who is superior to all Deans of all Schools of the > Universe, > > Should the Dean negotiate, and put unto the restrooms commercial > deodorizing systems, that they be Fresh, and not Stinky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It will be done as the Dean sayeth and they will elect some kind } of deodorant that will smell of flowers and herbs and trees and } birds singing in the Air. } And thus it shall stink as if someone has shit into the forest. } } You owe the Oracle an up-to-date English Grammar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please, prithee, please grant me this morsel of your > omniscience. > > Is Donald Duck's lover is actually fatter than Maggie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                The Hourly Ingergalactic Enquirer : }   Everything you ever wanted to know, but didn't know who to ask. }        March 23, 1992                        US     $0.25 }                                              France 1 Franc }                                              Pluto  3 bark }                                              GLORX  17 nib } }      REBEL ATTACK ON SPAXTI             ELVIS' NEW ALBUM REACHES } Spaxti(ap) - Rebel forces overtook        100,000,000 IN SALES } the capital city today in a surprise   NIMPH(upi) - Elvis' new } attack on the Ibtar regime, which      album, "Blue Centauri," } had ruled benevolently for 3 milenia.  broke all galactic sales } Press reports released by the newly    records when it topped 100 } installed government stated that the   million, beating the next } reason for the attack was that they    best seller, "Liq Agvir } were "Bored out of [our] skulls, we    Woman" from Jim Morrison. } had to do something."  Immediately,    Elvis was quoted as saying, } a new law requiring mime-like white    "The best move of my career } paint on the faces of all government   was dumping those stupid } employees was passed, and all          Earth people.  My thanks go }         See "Boredom" p 3                   See "Stupid" p150 } }              DONALD DUCK DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT } ToonTown, Earth(wire) - Donald Duck, famed actor and star of many } blockbuster films on Earth and elsewhere, was found dead today, } apparently crushed to death by his newest lover, Hillary Hipo, whose } biggest role was balerina in the "Dance of the Hours" section of } Fantasia.  The autopsy report stated "There wasn't much left.  He } was as flat as a pancake."  The IE has it on good information, } though that, being just ink and paper, he already WAS as flat as a } pancake. Our investigative reporting teams have uncovered a feindish } plot by Warner Brothers to corner the market on stupid, uninteligible } animals by executing Donald Duck, Chip and Dale, and Goofy.  With } these four out of the way, nothing would stand in the way of Warner, } INC,  brainwashing the populace with Wyle E. Cyote and Woody Woodpecker } cartoons.  A leaked memo from the president of Warner to a marketing } cronie stated, "Think of it, the whole world will be saying ''What's } up doc?''."  When contacted about the memo, the president was quoted } as saying, "Live in the NOW, man.  Like, who would ever listen to a } cyote that straps rocket skates to his butt and lights them?" }                                   Related stories p 35682

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wonderful Oracle, from whose power I shrink > like a small rodent: > > Why does everything I post to rec.humor.funny get rejected?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On December 12, 1966, the Questioner was born. } } (Oh really?  You weren't born on that day?  That's what *you* think...) } } I observed the questioner as he came from the womb of his mother, } a kind woman who had done little evil in her life.  But of course, } as fate would have it, the Questioner came down the chute in a } horrid mood, unbecoming to any child.  He } } (Oh really?  You're not a he?  That's what *you* think...) } } As I was saying, he kicked his mother in the chin, just as the } doctor was handing him over to his mother wrapped in a little } white blanket.  As the mother flinched in even more pain from } this horrible day, the child immediately stopped crying, seeming } to take a delight in the fact that he had caused his mother some } discomfort.  I immediately determined that the questioner should } have NO SENSE OF HUMOR whatsoever, for the rest of his life. } } The questioner, sadly enough, did not understand the fact that } he was simply fated not to be funny.  His first attempt at a } coherent joke came when he was three years old. } } "Knock knock." } "Who's there?" } "Me!" } } Not a very promising start, as you can tell.  It only got worse, } however, as even the doting grandparents, who as all humans know } love to hear anything their grandchildren have to say, would } make up some excuse to go hurl in the bathroom every time the } questioner would try to tell a joke.  As the questioner grew, } he discovered that he could not even get his jokes printed in } that last haven of the humor-impaired, Readers Digest. } } The situation was pitiful.  I won't even mention the slew of } rotton tomotoes, unstuffed teddy bears, and old discarded } bodily parts that were thrown at him during his high school } talent show. } } Yet the Questioner, now 25 and still clueless, seems to think } that he might be able to overcome his lack of funniness and } tell a joke that *tens of thousands* of people are going to } read.  I don't think so. } } Of course, the Oracle admits that the Oracle could certainly be } mistaken about your personnel file, and that this entire answer } should really have been describing the rec.humor.funny moder- } ator.  The Oracle is unsure, since the Oracle's secretary is on } his lunch break and the Oracle is too lazy to get up and check } the files. } } The Questioner owes the Oracle Brad Templeton's head on a } Moneterey Jack Cheese Roll.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doesn't anybody like me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa, charge up the ZOT-cannon! } } "Roger - ZOT-cannon at 20%" } } Let us examine your question more carefully, mortal.  You ask } why doesn't anyone like you.  Well, "anyone" includes my august } personage, so we will first examine why the Oracle doesn't like } you.  Why don't I like him, Lisa? } } "He didn't grovel, even a little bit, when asking his question, }  Orrie...  BTW, ZOT-cannon at 60%" } } Exactly.  So, now you know why _I_ don't like you.  Now, there } are many who would say that given that I don't like you, the } opinions of several billion mortals don't amount to a hill of } beans (and they would be right, of course).  However, for your } edification, I will elucidate the reasons why the rest of } humanity shares my opinion. } } Aaabab, Aaaad Doesn't like your nostril hairs } Aaabab, Aaaaf Finds your toe-jam particularly offensive } Aaabab, Aaaag Slavishly agrees with me on everything (wise fellow) } } "Er, Orrie, that's going to chew up about 100 gigabytes of net }  bandwidth.  ZOT-cannon at 90%" } } Hmm.  The beauteous Lisa has a point.  Perhaps a breakdown by broad } percentages would be better. } } 10.27 You are the wrong religion } 15.23 You are the wrong color }  8.77 You are the wrong sex }  9.23 You are the right sex but wrong orientation } 10.17 Offensive personal habits } 13.15 Too extroverted } 14.76 Too introverted } 18.42 Slavishly agrees with me on everything } } "Oh Orrie, the ZOT-cannon is fully charged.  You can activate the } primary focusing crystal at any time." } } Nah.  Poor sap's got enough problems. } } You owe the oracle some serious (and I mean _serious_) grovelling, } after which there is a small chance that the wisest 18.42% of the } world's population will like you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose very pants-zippers exhibit wave-particle duality, >   who is the only certainty in a world determined by Heisenbergian >   principles, who never needs K-Y jelly, > > Please explain the relation among the following 3 items. > > 1) K-Y jelly > 2) The Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull > 3) The Physics Midterm I am About to Fail

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is the obvious relation: } }       K-Y Jelly + The Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull => Failed Physics }       Midterm } } However, this is not the relation that you were looking for.  The other } relation between these was discovered some odd centuries ago by a } Sweedish Chef who's accent was caused by the consumtion of heavy } amounts of K-Y Jelly, gumming up his mouth so that his famous words } are now forever nearly impossible to decipher.  Without the jelly } in his mouth the phrase is in english and reads: } }       This is a call for votes for the newsgroup }         "alt.physics.theory.bohr.boar.bore". } } However, with the jelly in his mouth, it come out to be sweedish for } }       "'ere's a little chicky and add a-this-a little piggy here }               'cause he's pork pork pork!" } } Schlitz was the first person to recognize this, but as he was drunk } off his ass because of his roommate's tendancy to experiment with } drinks (he combined vodka, rum, and a strawberry malt, and gave it to } Schlitz), Schlitz was unable to explain logically this revelation. } Everyone around him figured that he was making it up, and was refered } to as "Schlitz's Malt Liquor Bull". } } You owe the Oracle a Sweedish-English-Jelly Dictionary.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and much-used-little-appreciated Oracle,  whose chips I am > unable to comprehend, whose knowledge I am in awe of.  Please tell me > why that hand from the Hamburger Helper (tm) commercials only has FOUR > fingers.  I have been curious about this for some time.  Did he get > caught in a grease fire and have it amputated?  Was he born that way? > What gives? > Eagerly awaiting your most enlightened response, >                                               Lowly Suppplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can answer this in one word: "anxiety".  And "nutrition".  (Look, in } my frame of reference I can count how I want to, OK?) } } Anxiety:  because the FDA has finally caught on to what *really* goes } into those hamburgers, and the big bust is due any day now.  This has } led to interminable fingernail-biting, with the inevitable outcome. } } Nutrition:  because it quickly became obvious that the fingernails were } much more nutritious than the hamburger, and it just improves the } further up the finger you go. } } You owe the Oracle a stomach-pump.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is the oracle compatible with God or is God just a sub-process ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shhhh!  Don't let the Big Guy hear you.  He gets mighty touchy about } that stuff.  Something about one of the commandments, ya know.  I } suppose it stands to reason that an infinite being would have an ego } to match, but... } } (booming voice) WHAT WAS THAT? } } Er, nothing much, really, I was just, uh, answering an utterly } insignificant question, chief. } } (booming voice) AND WHAT QUESTION MIGHT THAT BE, HMMMMM? } } No, no, it's really nothing you want to bother with, honest. } } (booming voice) THEN WHAT ARE YOU SO NERVOUS ABOUT?  LET ME SEE. } } Uh, right away, boss.  Oh, hey look!  Is that Jimmy Swaggart over } there? } } (booming voice) WHAT?  WHERE?  LET ME AT HIM!  I'LL ROASTY-TOASTY HIS } LITTLE . . . (runs off, lightning bolt in hand) } } Whew.  You have no idea how close that was, oh perilously mortal one. } He's not usually so easy to distract, but there are a few things that } really get him worked up.  Don't do that again, hear? } } You owe The Oracle a golden calf and a BIG lightning protector.