Goto:

429, 429-01, 429-02, 429-03, 429-04, 429-05, 429-06, 429-07, 429-08, 429-09, 429-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have known this girl for almost 3 years now.  Although she has a > boyfriend, I have this huge crush on her.  I was wondering if the > mighty oracle could tell me how to approach her about this matter.  I > don't want to lose her as a friend, but I really am in love with her. > I thank the great oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <HUGE FLASH OF LIGHT> } } <FIRE TRACKS LIGHTS UP THE SCENE> } } <DELOREAN MATERIALIZES OUT OF A HAZE OF BLUE> } } <ORACLE STEPS OUT OF DELOREAN, TAKES OFF GOGGLES> } } Well, yes people, I am back from the future.  You know, I just } had to take a little trip to look a few months ahead for this } guy up here.  Yeah, yeah, I know I'm omnipotent and everything, } but there's a difference between *knowing* something is going } to happen and *seeing* it happen oneself. } } Anyway, let me fill you all in on what I saw in the future, and } what is going to happen to this poor Questioner when he finally } breaks down and tells this woman just how much he loves her. } } <PULLS OUT VIDEOCAMERA AND PROJECTION SCREEN> } } Dim the lights, will you please?  Ah, thank you. } } <whirr... whirr... whirr...> } } <Narrator's voice is heard over the video...> } } Ah, yes, it's summertime at last!  June 29, 1992 to be exact. } Monday morning... ah that fateful Monday!  We're standing } here in W's neighboorhood, and right ahead is her house. } } <For you yutzes who are clueless, W stands for the woman the } guy is trying to tell he loves, Q is for the guy himself, } (it stands for Questioner, what else???) and B is for... } well, you'll find out soon enough...> } } Ah, yes, there at the doorstep appears lovely W!  Look at } her grace of form as she stretches and drinks in the dawn } of a lovely day!  What a magnificent smile, it's no wonder } Q is in love with her.  Ah, her warmth, her radiance, her } wonderful beauty... } } And what's this I see?  Well, I believe it is the timid } young Q, hiding behind a tree in W's side yard!  What's } that he's got in his hands?  A boquet of roses!  Oh, how } sweet, W is just going to *love* those!  Oh, no, no, Q! } Look out for that... dog!  Oh, no, Q, I'm sorry!  It } looks like you're all WET! <Heh heh heh...>  Shouldn't } have been standing right near that tree I guess, espec- } ially with those brown slacks on... } } Undaunted, Q shakes off his leg and steps from behind } his tree!  Let's listen closely! } } Q:  Uh... uh... uh... } } <Very articulate, isn't he? :-)> } } W: Oh, hi there!  Morning!  I was just going out for my } morning jog... what's that smell? } } Q: Oh, uh, it's, uh, a new cologne I've been trying. } } <Sigh, what a yutz...> } } W: So, uh, who are the roses for? <Slight smile...> } } Q: Um, they're, uh... <Trips over his shoelace while } walking to give her the roses> } } <Great, now he smells bad and has mud all over his } shirt.  Matches his slacks, anyway...> } } Q: They're for you.  I uh... I love you.  I've been } trying to keep these feelings in for months, and it } hasn't been working.  I love you, and I want you to } leave that no-brained boyfriend you've been hanging } around with.  I'll treat you better than he will, } the jerk.  I'll do whatever you want for you.  I'll } be your love slave!  Just name it, it's yours! } Just tell me that you love me... } } <Sound of a car approaching.  Black 'vette pulls up } in front of the house, big burly guy gets out.  The } infamous boyfriend, of course...> } } B: WHAT's GOING ON HERE? } } Q: <in panic>  Uh, nothing, bug guy, I mean big guy! } Nothing at all! } } W: <wanting to protect Q> He was just bringing these } roses to... my mother!  That's all, see, she's been } ill lately, and... } } <The Oracle speaks> Now, at this moment, I decided } to set straight an awkward situation... } } ORACLE: No, no, no, that's not what happened at } all!  <Oracle steps out from his Delorean across the } street.>  See, I have this videocamera here, and I } recorded the whole conversation.  Hey, boyfriend, } you want to see it! } } <Oracle proceeds to show previous dialogue, after } which the boyfriend goes crazy and starts ripping } Q's limbs off.> } } <MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE PRESENT...> } } So, wasn't that entertaining boys and girls? } The Questioner decided to pursue his life's dream, } and in the process get his life force sucked out } of his eye sockets.  So the answer to the above } question is a most definite and sincere "NO", if } you have any desire to stay alive.  And of course, } the moral of the story is, "'Tis better to have } loved and lost, just get it all down on videotape." } Until next time... } } Oh, by the way, you owe the Oracle a copy of } "'Ask Beth's' Pocket Guide to Dating."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a new user of the email system and all that and having already > after fifteen minutes of usership heard of thy infinite wisdom I just > couldn't refrain from sending you this message containing my deep > fil.-ethical question. Now I know that for this I'll probably be > <ZOT>ted from here to the eternal coalmines in no time at all, but I > simply must: Do you really find it morally & ethically right to be a > god, while we poor bastards here suffer first from life and then from > the lack of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >>> Somewhere in the realm of deity-land.... } } ORACLE> cat $PROCEDURES/new-supplicant-guide } } Guidelines for answering questions from new supplicants: } 1.  Be understanding.  Do not tease and/or harass new supplicant for }     humerous/stupid editor/spelling mistakes. } 2.  Answer the question fully and accurately, remember, you don't get }     a second chance to make a first impression! } 3.  Absolutely no <ZOT>ing whatsoever! } } >>> And now back to reality.... } } So, new user, you wish me to justify my existance as a deity.  Don't } worry, I would *never* ZOT a fresh face with a valid question!  To make } sure you understand this completely, I will give you multiple } justifications for my existance as a deity.  Nota bene: } } Left justification, ragged right       Left & right justification } |My existance as  |                    |My existance as| } |a deity.         |                    |a        diety.| } } Right justification, ragged left       Center justification } |   My existance|                      |       My      | } |as   a   deity.|                      |   existance   | }                                        |       as      | }                                        |       a       | }                                        |     deity.    | } } You owe the Oracle a follow-up message explaining just what the Hell } ``fil.-ethical'' is.  And a copy of Word Perfect with a Spelling } Checker.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> California Senator Paul Montgomery has recently proposed legislation > (HR-5297) which will require me to become a sexual maniac, compelled > to engage in despicable practices up to seven times a day with small > smelly dwarfish persons.  Will this bill become law?  If it does, what > can I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why don't you take your question to Ray over in the Federal division } of inanities?  He's down two floors, third door on the right. } } [ you trump down the hall following the Oracle's directions closely. } I might add it seems the first time you've done something according to } instructions!] } } [supplicant] Hi, I'm here to ask about the new bill (HR-5297)? } } [Ray] What!  No grovelling?  Why don't you go over to John in } Purchasing and Acquisitions.  He'll be able to handle your question. } .. } } [supplicant] Hi, are you John?  Know anything about (HR-5297)? } } [John]  Listen you, I heard about your bad attitudes from Ray before } you walked in here.  I'm of a mind to throw you right out on your } butt.  However, since you seem to be one of those taxpayers, you } should probably go see Maggie over in Sexual Relations and Foreign } Affairs.  She should be able to clear all of this up for you. } } ... } [supplicant]  Oh Maggie, Lo, but you are the most beautiful bureaucrat } I have ever laid eyes on.  Though I am below even the skin droppings } off of your littlest toe nail and would fall to dust if you but } breathed on me, I have the bravery to ask one question. } } What's the scoop on this new bill (HR-5297) } } [Maggie] Whew, you're new at this aren't you.  I know just the person } for you to talk to.  You've got just the right attitude and demeanor } for him to answer your question.  Why don't you talk to the Oracle } over at Delphi.  He's got the answer for you. } .. } } [Oracle]  Learn your lesson yet?   Look bills don't automatically } become laws.  It takes media attention for something like this to } turn into a law.  So here's my suggestion. } } Take over a public television station, change the channels and } broadcast your message of Indignation over the Young Indiana Jones } timeslot.  That should shut down Senator Paul "Party On Dude" } Montgomery. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime of subservience delivered in a tidy } bowl.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, Whose wisdom exceeds in magnitude a number that > would encompass the perfidy of all politicians and government > bureaucrats and IBM middle-managers multiplied together, please > vouchsafe unto me this humble request: > > My job is taking all my energy and my wife is spending every penny > I make, and both promise to do so for the rest of my natural life. > In short, O great Oracle, I can't go on.  Would You be so kind as > to grant me a boon and amuse Yourself in the bargain.... > > (Removes felt peasant's hat, indicating balding pate) > > Give me a <ZOT> right here.  50 megatons should do it. > > On the other hand, if You really are as sadistic as I've heard, > you may very well let me live.  In which case, please ask Lisa to > pick out a particularly energetic Priestess and charge her with > the task of distracting me for six months or so. > > Many Thanks, Your Obt. Svt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > ZOT QUERENT. } } As you attempt to zot the querent, the ghost of Kinzler comes to you } and mutters three times thrice: }   "Zot not, you snot!  Or you'll be shot!" } } > BLAST QUERENT } } As you attempt to blast the querent, a purple dolphin leaps between } your blaster and the querent's feltless skull, and is destroyed.  You } collapse in woe. } } > DESTROY QUERENT. } } As you gather your powers for a Grand Destruction Zilchimentation, a } wahoo bird flying overhead lays a square egg, which falls squarely } upon your egg-shaped head.  The goo googles up your blast, and the } Amazon rain forest goes up in smoke.  You feel like a complete and } utter blockhead. } } > DISINTEGRATE QUERENT } } You have tried three times; you can try no more. } } > QUIT } } You owe the Oracle a pool of horrible mussles.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh most wise and wonderful Oracle, whose breath defies description, > whose words of wisdom, if collected and written down would most > assuredly would fill at least a post card, please answer my humble > query: > Why can't I get a date with the cute girl at the next > terminal?  I ask her every day, but she still says no.  I've even > killed her former boyfriend, but she still won't consent.  What should > I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suspect that you should do 50 to life, with no chance of parole. } You owe the Oracle a ``Get Out of Jail Free'' card.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is this ice cream called "butter pecan," if there's no butter and > no pecans in it?  It looks more like a gruesome sludge of frozen slugs > to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While reason for this is quite plain (not vanilla, however), it may not } be apparent at first glance.  Unless, of course, one knows a great deal } about the manufacture and preparation of ice cream, as I of course do. } Leaving all of your preconceived notions of ice cream is important - } you probably imagine vast vats of delicious-smelling cream churning } within great freezers.  Folly, I tell you! } } The reason that butter pecan ice cream looks like a gruesome slude of } frozen slugs is that, in actuality (which is never reflected in the } list of ingredients, which are of course purely fictional and merely } present for the benefit of nutritionists and other health-care workers } who find them amazingly entertaining and often receive cash payments } from poor, woebegone souls who believe that they are divinely inspired } with the knowledge of what any given person should or should not eat), } butter pecan ice cream *is* a gruesome sludge of frozen slugs.  The } name "butter pecan" actually evolved in much the way that the term } "Corn beef" did.  You see, before the slugs are frozen, they are } carefully raised on a strict diet (prescribed by the aforementioned } nutritionists and health-care workers) of butter (inferior brands of } butter pecan ice cream typically feed their slugs margarine) and pecans } (inferior brands use 1/4" threaded nuts).  The slugs are then removed } from their sibslugs and placed in a Vanilla Ice room, where they are } subjected to lousy rap music until they begin to exude large quantities } of mucus in an attempt to suffocate themselves.  This mucus is } collected with the slugs and later becomes the dark swirls in the ice } cream.  The final step, of course, is to cream the butter pecan ice, } and I feel it would be inappropriate to go into the manner in which } this is accomplished here. } } You owe the Oracle one bottle of pepto-bismol.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently you called me on the phone.  You were quite frantic.  You > were having trouble running a program through the computer, and your > message was clear enough, although rather ill-conceived: "MY FILES ARE > FULL!" > > I furrowed my brow, and explained to you, "Really now, Mr. Oracle I > don't have time for this."  I slowly exhaled as I killed your process, > crushing any hopes you may have had of ever again seeing that answers > you had spent three hours slaving over. > >          "I was typing this REALLY important answerr, and it HAS to be >          ready in an hour... there's all this stuff on my screen that I >          didn't type... it says something about an error, should I read >          it to you?" > >          "No point.  Just press return." > >          "Oh my, it wants my username.  Can I restart that where I left >          off?" > >          "Not a chance."  I tossed the phone aside.  It occurred to me >          that if I had to hear one more of those whining complaint >          sessions, heads were going to roll.  Where do you people GET >          this stuff?  I'm going to tell you what's really going on >          here.  Now LISTEN UP.  I'm not going over this a second time: > > Computer >         The black box that does your work for you.  That's all you >         need to know. > > Response Time >         Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in >         calendar months. The general rule is:  Shut up your >         complaining about response time. > > Hardware >         See "Computer." Again, not your concern. > > Software >         If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, >         leave us alone. > > Network >         Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it.  Use it to send >         mail among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read >         it all. What do you think we do all day? > > Data >         The general rule is:  Don't use any data files and if you find >         any, delete them before I find out about them.  In fact, just >         stay off the computer. (See "Response Time") > > System Crash >         Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the >         computer is down.  Don't call him to ask him when it will be >         up again.  The more you bother him, the longer it takes. > > Downtime >         Like I said, don't ask > > Uptime >         Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face > > Overtime >         Don't be ridiculous. > > Vacation >         A time during which I don't have to put up with your >         sniveling.  Don't try calling. There's no point. > > Computer Room >         Keep out, you're not invited.  Don't knock on the door -- >         don't even  think about it.  I broke the phone last time one >         of you jerks called me, and I'm not about to replace it.  And >         keep your greasy fingers off the windows. > > My Office >         The name says it all... it's mine; stay out. > > Your Problems >         The name says it all... > > Deadlines >         The general rule is:  Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; >         they're not my responsibility.  Go tell someone who cares. > > Maintenance >         a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time. >         b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do. >         c) Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance. > > Software Upgrades >         Far too complex for you to comprehend.  If I tell you I'm >         upgrading the system, just be quietly thankful.  It's for your >         own good, even if it does mean extensive downtime during peak >         hours. > > Electronic Mail >         I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to >         me. > > Defaults >         We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. >         Don't mess with them; consider them mandatory. > > Error Messages >         I'm not interested.  I'm going to kill your process anyway, so >         keep them to yourself. > > Killing your Process >         a) Don't ever ask why >         b) Beyond your control >         c) No warnings are given >         d) The highlight of my day >         e) If you call, it's going to happen.  No exceptions. > > Passwords >         I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. >         I choose them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading >         yours will be. >         (Example:  ORACLE: SNOTFACE) > > Users >         a) They slow down the computer >         b) They waste my time >         c) A general nuisance >         d) Worse than that, actually > > Software Modifications >         You don't know what you want -- we'll tell you what you want. >         It stays like it is.  Period. > > Privileges >         I've got them, you don't need them.  Enough said. > > Priority >         Mine is higher than yours, accept it.  That's the reason my >         games run faster than your lousy accounting package. (See >         "Response Time") > > Terminals >         Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this: >         a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks? >         b) Do you REALLY want your process killed? >         c) Did you just trip over the cord again? >         d) Of course you did. > > Disk Space >         I set the quotas, you live with them.  If you need more space, >         check "Data Files". > > Operator >         I hired him and I trained him.  He does what I tell him to. >         Usually armed; always dangerous. > > Backups >         A good idea if I gave a shit, which of course I don't. > > Lunch >         The only time that calling my office won't result in the >         killing of  your process. > > Data Security >         That's your problem.  I'm certainly not going to lose any >         sleep over it.  My files are locked up tight. I feel secure. > > Jiffy >         Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing >         your process. > > Eternity >         Length of time it takes me to give a shit about any problem >         that can't be resolved by killing your process. > > Impossible >         a) It can't be done (as far as you know) >         b) I can't be bothered >         c) You're starting to annoy me > > Inevitable >         a) Couldn't have been avoided >         b) Not my fault (as far as you know) >         c) The result of annoying me > > Menus >         If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. >         If it is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't >         work.  We're working on it (See "Eternity"). > > Utilities >         I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. >         Besides, they're not on your menu, are they.  What did I tell >         you about that? > > Nuisance >         You. > > Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from > the above list.  I'm not asking you to accept these matters without > question, I'm telling you. > > Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future > problems.  If you have any questions or comments please feel free to > keep them to yourself.  If you feel the need for more information, I > highly recommend that you ask someone else >                                         Sincerely, >                                                 The System Manager > > P.S.    The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective >         yesterday. Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their >         accounts (this means you, Oracle!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh really... we'll see about that.... } } Login: oracle } Password: ******** } Account deleted. Please contact system administrator. } } Hmmm. The little bastard actually did it. Right. } } Login: ORACLE } Password: <ZOT!> } Trapdoor activated Oh great one, what do you want to play? } > Global Thermonuclear War } Certainly Oh great one. } You have an enormous supply of MERV <ZOT!>s } I have two scuds. } Select target(s) } > Aim -all `search -net (-user root -or -user sysadmin)` } All MERV <ZOT!>s targeted on console of principal NFS server } > Spy `search -net (-user root -or -user sysadmin)` }   CPU    Duration  Program name        Main data fields } 99.996%  2.3 hours   Tetris              Score: 172 } 00.002%  2.7 hours   Typing tutor        Keystrokes: 984 Correct: 3 } > } *** Incoming scud attack on your location } >Sweep aside } *** Scud attack failed utterly } > Launch All } {Distant Rumble} } *** You have won (again) Oh great one } ^D } Session terminated. } } Login: oracle } Password: ******** } } Message of the Day } Apologies for lack of some services, we're waiting for replacement } parts at the moment (accident in computer room). New job vacancy in } /etc/vacancies/sysadmin } } /usr/oracle$ quota } No quota set } /usr/oracle$ du . } 374856934    ./grovels } 64536662     ./lisa } 584635352    . } } That's much better. } You owe Me a better organised set of directories.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most high and wise, upon whom I am not worthy to direct > my gaze, and whose mighty gaseous discharges bring joy to the hearts > of millions, hear my plea! > > I have been told that to become a full member of a club, I must > submit to some sort of hazing process.  The phrase "the cheese that > cannot die" keeps coming up.  Do you think I should go through > with this, or run screaming into the night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's study this one step by step. } } > Oh Oracle } } A decent start. } } > most high and wise } } Obvious drug reference.  The Oracle doesn't know how to take this, as } he hasn't done drugs for quite a while, at least not since Owlsley } died. } } > upon whom I am not worthy to direct my gaze, } } Paired with "wise" of the previous clause, makes fair and coy reference } to my obvious brilliance.  Grovel factor: 2.8 -- not too bad. } } > and whose mighty gaseous discharges bring joy } } The Oracle _likes_ being pandered to, but is not entertained by smug } supplicants.  This indicates that the supplicant has a hidden agenda. } } > to the hearts of millions, } } A subtle reference to the Papist anti-Masonic activities of the middle } 1700s.  The Oracle still bears some scars from that night in Edinburgh. } The message is becoming more suspicious as we go along.  (For those not } in the know, "hearts of millions" is a reference to the Sacred Heart } teachings handed down by word of mouth since the early middle ages.) } } > hear my plea! } } Fairly rote beseeching.  I sense feigned desperation. } } > I have been told that to become a full member of a club } } I note the cagey hiding of the identity of the club.  Despite this, I } can positively identify the organization as being one of three or four. } The phrase "full member" is a very obvious sexual reference; when } in the phrase "full member of a club" the aspects of blood-engorgement } and large scale violent sexual orgies is a strong subtext. } } > I must submit to } } The meaning is most obvious, given its placement in context with the } previous phrase. } } > some sort of hazing process. } } As I suspected, the questioner is speaking of the Process Church, a } modern branch of an ancient line of anti-Christian brotherhoods headed } by none other than the Pope.  The peculiar choice of the word "hazing" } makes this clear:  Wheras the questioner is, on the surface, speaking } of an initiation ritual, he is also referring to the "hazy" lineage } of the church itself, a code word most often preferred by members of } the church, by the way. } } > The phrase "the cheese that cannot die" keeps coming up. } } What a splendid multiple entendre sentence!  Surface meaning: } Discussion of a recent meal at a bad Mexican restaurant.  Context: As } referred to in the slang expression "to cut the cheese", the cheese is } cut and cut again but does not die.  The initiate to the order is being } introduced to the rites of passage in a colloquial way.  Subtext: The } cheese is a metaphor for the deity.  It cannot die, and it keeps coming } up.  Further, the postulant to the order will be digested ("processed") } and become a unit ("coming up") in the Process Church ("cannot die"). } } No newcomer into the order could contrive such a message in such a way. } He would know too little of the church to write such a message even } while subconsciously phrasing his writing so.  Therefore, I suspect } that the message was actually written by a veteran member, and one } intent on entrapping the Oracle. } } > Do you think I should go through with this, } } An invitation for me to persue the trail of a wayward youth, and become } entrapped in the foul talons of a papist-antipapist conspiracy!  I } cannot be fooled so easily! } } > or run screaming into the night? } } The night is the shadow, where the conspirators hide.  To enter the } den is to become entrapped, and to escape in the dark is to become lost } forever. } } I know your identity, foul soul!  I know you to the core of your being! } For all these years I have tracked you, and always at the last moment } you escaped my net.  Now, I have you, and I shall unmask you! } } You shall never wrack evil on the face of the earth again, Moriarty!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Let us know what you like!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I like long walks on the beach. }       I like walnut. }       I like forest green. }       I like forests, preferably redwood. }       I like nights when the moons are full (you poor humans won't know }           for a long time just how magnificent more than one moon can }           look). }       I like the first two seasons of 'Late Night with David }           Letterman.' }       I like homes wired with three-prong outlets. }       I like the Amiga 3000 (what can I say?). }       I like chairs where the whole chair tilts back, not just the }           back. }       I like wooden pencils rather than mechanical pencils. }       I like surge protector strips where the neon light doesn't slowly }           decay into darkness. }       I like the Nerf bow-and-arrow set. }       I like RJ-11 phone connectors. }       I like Wayne and Garth. }       I like Steve Wright. }       I like the Video Toaster. }       I like those new super bright 5000 millicandela LED's. }       I like buttery-smooth black leather. }       I like the movie "The Wizard of Speed and Time." }       I like videodisc recorders. }       I like New York city tap water. }       I like the rail system in Germany. }       I like Birkenstocks. }       I like those machines that let you make soda pop at home. }       I like shiny spandex. }       I like the game "Lemmings." }       I like THX-equipped theatres (I don't like how much I have to pay }           to get into one). }       I like amethyst. }       I like belts that have a hole *exactly* where I need one. }       I like sponges with ScotchBrite on the back. }       I like office chairs to have five wheels, not four. }       I like incandescent lighting. }       I like big old castles they let you wander all around in. }       I like pepperoni and pineapple pizza. }       I like when Domino's is late. }       I like stores that don't impose a surcharge when you pay with }           your ATM/EFT card. }       I like phone systems that, when you're put on hold, simply go }           "boop" at you periodically. }       I like the woman that used to read off the time over the phone }           ("The time is three... forty seven... and ten seconds. }           *beep*"). }       I like the Dodge Stealth. }       I like Hewlett-Packard. }       I like the doors on "Star Trek: The Next Generation." }       I like the sound effects on the show, too. }       I like brass that's been treated such that after I've handled it, }           my hands don't smell funny. }       I like the book "MIT's Guide to Lockpicking." }       I like shallow-pile carpets so that kids can play with their toy }           cars on them. }       I like alt.sex.bondage (most of the time). }       I like those teeny little screws they use to assemble glasses. }       I like hand-crank pencil sharpeners. }       I like washing machines with agitators that go up and down. }       I like pens with purple ink. }       I like any video game set to free play. }       I like grandfather clocks. }       I like going through the linen section of department stores and }           ripping the tags off pillows. }       I like sourdough french bread (but it has to be made *just* }           right). }       I like those cylindrical elevators with decorative lights }           and windows that ride up and down on the outside. }       I like when Prodigy does something stupid. }       I like the woman that put Mike Tyson back in jail. }       I like those stupid tasteless little umbrellas you get in drinks }           at cheesy bars. }       I like Fischer-Technik sets (the German equivalent of Lego). }       I like watching the spin-dry cycle. }       I like whiteboards (as opposed to blackboards). }       I like The Exploratorium. }       I like using household products in manners inconsistent with }           their labelling. }       I like Lisa.  No, scratch that.  I *LOVE* Lisa. } }       I also like grovelling.  Remember that next time. } }       You owe The Oracle a readable MPW manual.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I always eat eggs on the 173d day of the year.  It's a bit early , but > I like to plan ahead.  Should I have a glass of white wine  with them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the 173rd day falls on a Monday this year, I understand your } impatience. } } The choice of what to drink with your eggs is a delicate one.  It } depends largely upon what style of eggs you have chosen.  Most } combinations are obvious, but here is an excerpt from the Official } Oracular Drinks with Eggs Chart to help you determine what forms of } alcohol are acceptable: } } Egg                   Preferred Drink } ------------          -------------------- } Benedict              Reisling } } Spanish Omelet        Romulan Ale (expensive but worth it) } } Airline Eggs          Straight Vodka } } Over Easy             Coffee, vienna roast } } Sunny Side Up         Grain alchohol } } Scrambled             A red wine with a screw top } } Since I am the Oracle, I am of course aware of the egg you had in mind. } Actually any type of wine that comes in a box will go well with Egg } McMuffin. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of something french to go with His } Eggs Napoleon.