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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much gin can I drink before I pass out>??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle remembers well the time he himself spent grappling with this } very question during his younger years at the Oracular Academy.  It is a } question which contains within it the seeds of self-knowledge and a } life-lesson of human limitation. } } The bottom line, it turns out, it NOT how much gin you can drink before } you pass out, but how much gin you can drink before IT passes out of } YOU. } } You owe the Oracle three Depend Undergarments.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The couple that lives in the apartment above mine are constantly > fighting.  Often, late at night, I hear a lot of yelling and screaming > and stomping on the floor.  I worry that one of these days I'll hear a > gun shot.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should install a thin tube through the ceiling of your apartment, } into the room in which they fight the most.  Purchase a large tank of } ether.  When they next start fighting, etherize them.  Continue until } they don't fight anymore.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle mighty and wise > Tell me once tell me thrice... > Why is IBM interlaced?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gather 'round, ye nerdy throng } And listen well to my simple song. } I sing thee not of knights so bold, } But of machines made to be sold, } Of keyboards missing many keys, } and CPUs all full of fleas, } of systems slow and systems late, } and systems that just masturbate, } Of tech designers with bad taste, } and of computers interlaced. } } You owe the oracle the other two repitititititititions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I stop military development in Surinam?/&c-Del.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pity the poor people of Surinam?&c-Del., whose alphabet lacks the }   They use the Roman alphabet by custom, as they were once a forgotten } corner of the British Empire.  Today, e, regarldess of the fact that the } language of the Surinam?&c-Del.ese people has over three thousand } distinct phonemes, ranging from a high uluating squeal to whistling } through chattering teeth.  They have been forced to turn to abstract } streams of punctuation characters to produce a reasonable working } alphabet for Surinam?&c-Del.ese, since the only typewriters available } are castoff British army models from the 1920s. } } The result of this typographic babble:  since the British left the } people of Surinam?&c-Del.  to their own designs, there has been a } continuous seventy-year warfare, owing to the daily hair-tearing } frustration of not being able to write a postcard or check a } Surinam?&c-Del.ese dictionary without encountering incomprehensible } words like Far$%@t%..!, Low@pl$%%.!ShriShri, and Vaxpdp11!$$%@blows. } } What can >you< do do bring a halt to the bloodbath in tiny } Surinam?&c-Del.? } } Very little, I'm afraid.  Go back to work.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why do the color machines run so much slower than the black-and-white > ones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} because the last person to color the color machines went outside the } lines, and now all that extra color is gumming up the gears.  If people } were content to leave all the machines black and white, instead of } trying to color them, we wouldn't have these silly problems. } } You owe the Oracle a box of virgin Crayola Crayons.  The 64 size.  With } the little sharpener.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who ate my contact lenses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the wilds of upper Muldavia lives a hunchbacked troll by the name of } Snotblaster.  Like all Muldavian Trolls, he is periodically driven out } of his filthy stinking hole-like hovel by an insatiable need for } industrial grade plastic (one of the few forms of fiber in the troll } diet).  Snotblaster has lately discovered nouvelle cuisine, and he finds } contact lenses, with a light dribbling of saline, to be far superior in } size and texture to the more common hefty bag and styrofoam peanut diet } of his peers.  A Muldavian contact lense shortage has ensued. } } In your case, however, it was probably just the last person who sucked } on your eyeball. } } You owe the Oracle two Opti-zyme tablets and a bottle of Unisol 4.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What good is help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not much.  You can't get good help nowadays.  When the Oracle was held } in higher regard and wasn't considered an appendage of Usenet (actually } Usenet is an appendage of the Oracle, but we won't get into that now), } there were Oracular Priestesses, who were all small, dark-haired, buxom } women who retired at age thirty.  They were willing to do anything and } everything for the Oracle in return for the mere privilege of proximity. } Today they would be called Oracle-groupies.  Anyhow, in the elder days } they were numerous and had adorable little faces and cuddly bodies and } made certain that the Oracle never had to spend a night alone.  The } Oracle would have preferred tall blondes, but the Priestesses were } nevertheless Good Help.  Nowadays the Oracle has to hire Kelly Girls, } who are often male, or, even if female, homely, rabid feminists with } expertise in jiu-jitsu, and expensive -- not Good Help.  The Oracle } attributes this to the decline of the Magian World-View (read Spengler's } _Decline of the West_ if you haven't already) -- people don't take } Oracles seriously any more.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are frozen chickens so dang frisky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I guess if you were frozen, you'd be pretty frisky too. } } Consider this, one day you're sitting around eating Purina Chicken Chow } maybe watching your favorite soap, "All my eggs", and before you now it } each and every feather from your body was been torn away.  On top of } that they put you in a freezer lying on top of your neighbors who also } have no feathers on their torso.  Now your thinking to yourself, you've } never seen them without their feathers and it is at that moment you get } a strange sensation all over your body.  There you go, frisky frozen } chickens. } } Did you ever notice that when you buy chicken parts in a store they have } goose bumps? } } You owe the Oracle nothing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really a squid?  I can't tell if these are tentacles or hands.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will be shocked to learn this, but the Oracle is committed to the } Truth:  the reason that your hands look like tentacles is that years of } makeup abuse have damaged your eyesight, and you are in fact Tammy Faye } Bakker.  Denial of horrible truths is a natural reaction, but look at } yourself in the mirror carefully, taking into account your distorted } vision, and you will see that you really are she.  No need to scream or } tear at your face as if you could pull it off like a mask, Tammy -- you } simply have to face facts and face the music.  No fair curling up into a } fetal ball like that wimpy husband of yours, either -- you've got more } guts.  And no crying!  Stop that! } } You owe the Oracle a 10% cut of the goodies stashed away in your Swiss } bank accounts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I tell whether I am male, or I am female?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that depends on who you want to tell.  The easiest way is to walk } up to the person and say, "I am male," or, "I am female," as the case } may be.  If, however, the person is not within walking distance, use the } telephone to call them and say the appropriate phrase. } } If you wish to tell many people, try skywriting.  Or, alternatively, you } could post to rec.humor, comp.lang.c, or some other newsgroup read by } many people, telling them that you are male (or female).  Note that } alt.sex would probably be the most appropriate newsgroup. } } The easiest people to tell are the consultants.  Just type 'tell' at any } UNIX prompt, or mail to user 'tell'.  See the man page tell(1) for more } details. } } You owe the Oracle one stupid answer.  The Oracle has BSed.