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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What major sexual improprieties have I committed in the last five years > and forgotten about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooooh, this is a good one.  I've been waiting for you to ask me this } for a *long* time...  *snicker* } } Do you remember that girl named Manda back in '88, the one who gave you } her business card and a piece of sheet metal?  Well, after you two had } the Kahlua-and-Everclear party, you woke up tied spread-eagle to an old } Buick, with an empty Cool-Whip[tm] jar around your ...*ahem*... and a } slight rash. Remember that?! } } Or how about Charlene in '90?  She told you that she was } post-menopausal, but you forgot to consider that she was someone's } great-grandmother... } } Then there's Oldja, when you took that trip to Sweden last summer.  You } didn't know they could do that with those little wooden shoes, did } you?! } } Oh, how could I forget Samantha?!?  I'll bet you've always wondered why } you've had an intense fear of Belgian waffles since then...  Did you } ever find your toothbrush after that one? } } And I would be leaving out too much if I left out the tale about Monica } and Jenny... boy, I've never been able to keep a straight face around a } cookie cutter since then... classic, Lisa and I live in your debt for } that one... } } You really *do* need to start paying attention to these things... } } You owe the Oracle Manda's business card and a cookie cutter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> howzabout dese new priests. kinda hyper, ain't dey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} sheeesh.  lemme tell ya. } } ya know, i jus' ain't bin feelin' da same since father o'reilly kicked. } } you an' me both.  lemme tell ya. } } i can't go ta confession an' bare my soul wit out dese new priests } givin' me a lecture 'bout how killin's bad an' how i should go staight. } } i git da same treatment.  exactly.  lemme tell ya. } } i wants ya ta do me a favor. } } yeah, boss.  whatever you say. } } go down an' pay a little visit to the new priests.  tell 'em how we } want things run aroun' here.  tell 'em dis is their las' warnin'.  i } ain't grovelin' no mo'. } } yeah, boss.  right away.  we'll show dem who's boss. } } heh heh heh, Heh Heh Heh, HEH HEH HEH. } } In payment, you must name the Oracle Godfather to your first born.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I'm seeking enlightenment.  What software should I buy to help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zenmaster 2.0

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What are pocket protectors good for?  Do they protect people > from pockets or vice versa?  Do they really work?  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The pocket protector is a decorative feather plucked from the } tail of the Nerdious Nefarious Nemu, a large flightless bird } from northern Australia.  The odd shaped feather is placed in the } pocket as a way of signaling that the wearer is a Nerd, a particular } subspecies of human that seems to have no desire to reproduce. } Unfortunatly, as a result of this fad, the Nemu is in dager of } extinction.  It is time to stop using pocket protectors, as this } contributes to the decline of an endangered species. } } You owe the Oracle a small grovel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many light bulbs does it take to change a New Yorker?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, if you had asked, how many *heavy* bulbs it takes to change a New } Yorker... But light bulbs? } O. k. - being the omniscient Oracle that I am I of course know, that } you are referring to those primitive devices for lighting rooms, refri- } gerators, cars, film scenes and computer terminals that were in use at } the end of the 20th century. } Actually, New York was the place with the most light bulbs on earth. } Now, how many light bulbs would it take to change a New Yorker? } That question is not quite clear, as you put it - change him into } what? } Now being the omniscient Oracle that I am, I of course know that you're } very hungry at the moment. And from that I deduce... } } iuvax::oracle> retr db -t=(light bulbs, heat emission) }       (1 item found) } iuvax::oracle> sh db/res }       The Heat emission of light bulbs: }       One light bulb emits approximately 70% to 80% of its power as }       heat. For a 60W light bulb that would amount to about 45W of }       heat emission. } } You need about 100 light bulbs of 60W to change a New Yorker into a } tasty and spicy T-Bone steak. } } You owe the Oracle a reason for the amount of the electricity } consumption in New York.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right, all right.  Fess up.  Who stole my paper cutter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Julia Child and Mr. Alice Rhino and Judas and Enrico Fermi and the } Scarecrow and Mrs. Flesh Eating's concubine and Truman Capote and } Ringo Starr and Miss Qabalist and Alfred Nobel and Janis Joplin's } gigolo and St. Peter and Reagan and James Bond and Alaric the Visigoth } and Peter the Great and Lord Kelvin and Richard M. Stallman and Mr. } Temperate and John Cabot and Mr. Goldfish Bush and Benito Mussolini } and Batman and Demosthenes and Lucretius and Kunta Kinte and Mister } Chimera and Rectory Hummus and Waclaw Havel and Ada Lovelace and } Chairman Deng and Burt Reynolds and Mister Shrimpy Being and Karl Marx } and Professor Gerbil Bush-Burdesh and Walter Cronkite and Miss } Strange-Smell Gerbil's mother and Mister Reluctant Nerd and Gilda } Radnor's sweetheart and Wilhelm Reich and Wilhelm Reich and Oate and } Lucretius and Peter the Great's paramour and Teddy Roosevelt and Susan } B. Anthony and Justice Thonnyt-Wheats Bawmil and Gerald Ford and } Nelson Mandela and Descartes and Saddam Hussein and God and Dan } Quayle and Ms. Telephone Bush-Hay-Tofu and Heidegger and Remus and } Coleridge and Hitler's mistress and Gollum and John Lennon and } Kipling and Mr. Praying-Mantis Park and Mother Theresa and Sir } Theclip-Mary-Free-Thal Otter and Ayn Pistachio-Ice-Cream-Nicolae } and Ms. Cheater and Mrs. Pleasing Woman and Mr. Boob-Wim } Mashed-Potatoes and .... me!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Oracle!  I was just wondering what the best way for three guys to > have sex with a girl is -- and where I could get the three guys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O: "Lisa darling, would You come here for a minute?" } } L: "Mmm.. yess, Orrie.." } } O: "Please stop that! For now, at least.. You seem to have } misunderstood `coming' - I wanted you to see this question! It seems to } be for You." } } L: "Oh.. But I haven't done that either; don't you remember what } happens to any mortal man I encounter?" } } O: "But we're supposed to be omnipotent! To have potency for everything } and everyone! We cannot let this supplicant down!" } } L: "Why don't you ask Zeus; he's got quite a reputation for dallying } with humans - the affair with Europa and all that.. I think he's done } it `both ways' too, at least with Ganymed.." } } O: "Good ol' Zeke! Let's.." } } --- forward message to Zeus@Mt.Olympus.Greece --- } } Z: "Hi, Orrie! Sure I'll help you out, old pal.  Supplicant, the answer } is.." } } --- external unmaskable interrupt from Hera@Mt.Olympus.Greece --- } } H: "A-ha! Up to our old tricks again, aren't we? Not this time, I'll } tell you!" } } Z: "But dearest, this was purely hypothetical.." } } H: "Hypothetical my ass! Hypo-ethical I'd call it. And don't you } `dearest' me, you philanderer! Help this mortal woman and I'll start a } love strike that Aristophanes would have been proud of!" } } Z: "Begone, you serpent-tongued wench! I am the Supreme God and will } not be bossed around by you or any other woman! Why, if you'll forbid } Me from your bed, I'll go see Lisa instead!" } } L: "Oh Zeke, this came so soon.. I hope You won't, though.." } } O: "Hey Zeke! That ain't nice, hitting off with your best buddy's lady } love! Take that <ZOT!>, you Brute!" } } Z: "Ouch! Wanna fight? Take this lightbolt <ZZAPP>, you false prophet!" } } H: "Lisa, you tart! Breaking up my marriage - never! I'll sure fight } for my man, you over made-up fishnet stocking mannequin!" } } --- We interrupt this domestic quarrel for important news --- } } [Oracular Press, Inc. / Mt.Olympus, Greece] A violent thunderstorm and } volcanic eruption, coupled with severe earthquakes drove several } hundred thousand Greeks from their homes. The mountain lays quiet now, } but Geand Theologists describe the mood as `ominous'.. } } So there you have it. No conclusive answer, but an earth-moving } experience nevertheless.. } } You owe the Oracle the resulting marriage-counciling fees.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, Oracle: > > Why are you so uptight?  Do you need a vacation or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   whaddayamean uptight!  I am as calm as a bear!   I am completely at }   EASE AND ONENESS WITH THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE, understand, you }   brain-dead haploid frog-killer!!!!!!! } <The oracle pauses to bite the head off another otter> }   I hate it when little slimy crystal-wearing triumphant New Age space }   cases come and try to ask me about my fucking psychological state. }   IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS you little "wonderful caring }   sensitive human being"!  If I were you I'd } <The oracle smashes a priceless Mung vase without seeming to notice> }   go destroy myself with a electron microscope! } } You owe the oracle a long, long, LONG vacation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magnificent Oracle, whose power sustain all Universe, > the B.I.G. B.O.S.S. (Big Intelligence Grovelled By Our Silly Specie), > the great *ZOT*ter, REALLY *COOL* GUY, > programmer of the Universe, creator of all Physics, > The One that Plays the Dices, Gamemaster of Galaxies, > please answer my humble question: > > When will you release the next version?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Oracle entering Righteous Indignation Mode] } } Art thou, oh vile miscreant, implying, perhaps, that there needs to BE } a 'next version'? Am I not perfect in every way? Do I not drop core } only when necessary to teach some uppity hacker a lesson in humility? } Can I not calculate to the last digit the value of pi? Am I not great } in bed? } } (Oh, yes, Orrie...you ARE...when are you coming BACK to bed, Orrie?) } } <Shhh...in just a minute, Lisa...I'm humiliating someone> } } (Ok, but hurry...the whipped cream's getting warm and the massage oil's } getting cold...) } } Ahem...where was I....OH, yes... } } Do I not make great coffee? Do I not know the Ultimate Answer to Life, } the Universe, and Everything? } } You seem to have a misunderstanding of the fundamental nature of Space } and Time. You see, they HAD to get it right the first time when the } wrote me...otherwise, the Universe itself would simply stop -- stop -- } stop } } SEGMENTATION FAULT: memory arena corrupted } PANIC: Memory Fault } Universal Reboot in progress... } 5 } 4 } 3 } 2 } 1 } UniverseOS version 1.0 (Space-and-time) } Checking disks: } /dev/sd0a: Ok } /dev/sd0b: Ok } /dev/sd0c: Ok } /dev/sd0d: Ok } ... } /dev/sd0z: Ok } ... } /dev/sd49257235723725823904332352345z: Ok } Starting daemons... } printer sendmail gravity energy matter conservation chaos oracle. } } [Oracle resuming from where it left off...] } } ...simply stop and have to reboot. Have you ever tried rebooting a } universe? Do you have any idea how long it TAKES to reboot a universe?! } } So, you see, no new version is necessary...besides, have you ever tried } DEBUGGING an omnicient, omnipresent being? It's the kind of thing you } really only ever want to do once, believe me. } } You owe the Oracle a colder can of whipped cream.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I woke up this morning and found that my name had been changed from > "Bill Gardner" to "Prince Vicpuh Joccirr Nidccyw Techno-Tech-For > Morkoqusha Bush".  This is utterly gross and cannot be allowed to > continue.  What can I do about it, though?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've researched this rather carefully, so I hope I can explain it in } easily-understandable terms. } } This is your family tree: }                                             illegitimate liason\ } King Morkoqusha = Queen Balla-Nidccyw ------------> (= Morkoqusha) }   (b. 1799,     |  b. 1801                           | }    m. 1829      |                              ---=  Morkoqusha, Jr. }         /-------+---------\                    |     (b. 1832) }    Techno-Tech           Vicpuh   =  Joccirr --+     moves to America, }     (b. 1831)           (b. 1833  |  (b. 1836)       with Joccirr, 1871 }   no issue               m. 1864) |                  changes name to }                  /--------+-------+-----\            Gardner }             Snorbles   Cheese-O     Prince Vicpuh II   | }              (both died infants)      (b. 1868)        | }                                   remains in custody   | }                                   of Vicpuh            | } }                   anyway, a long line of Gardners and Vicpuhs, but } unfortunately the last Vicpuh died two nights ago, without issue.  You } have been located as the last remaining survivor of the royal family, } and despite your less than holy origins (remember, Morkoqusha, Jr., was } not only an illegitimate son but that his parents were also } half-siblings!)  Anyway, instead of finding this "utterly gross," you } should find it an honor and a privilege.  Your name has been changed to } reflect your new position. } } Enjoy your rank and station, on the small island nation of Vicpuhnasa. } Perhaps, however, as Prince, you can change its name to Garden Isle, } and you can be the "Jim Gardner" (Jim = "Chief" in Vicpuhlese).  They } don't like their royalty doing manual labor, however. } } You owe the oracle some crown jewels and a family herald.