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} Did somebody say DEAL???
}
} <Dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah dah.....>
}
} It time for...
}
} LET'S MAKE A DEAL! Today with your host,
} the Omnipotent Oracle!!!
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} Hello, everyone, and welcome to everyone's favorite
} net.game.show, Let's Make a Deal! Today, we are going
} to invite our studio audience to help us make a deal
} as to the best way for the Questioner to die! Yes,
} that's right! You see, the Questioner did a number of
} very naughty things when he came up to me with this
} question. First... and yes, folks, I almost don't
} believe it myself, first he told me to "Shut up!"
}
} <GASPS OF HORROR>
}
} I know, I know. <Shakes his head sadly.> You would
} think people like this would learn. Secondly, and
} even a more heinous crime... he forgot to grovel!
}
} <MORE GASPS OF HORROR>
}
} Now what the questioner should have said would have
} been something along the lines of:
}
} >Oh infinitely wise Oracle, from whom all wisdom flows,
} >whose hand deals nothing but the highest cards, would
} >you please do me the great honor of shutting up and
} >dealing?
}
} Of course, the poor sap still would have bought the
} big one, but not to the extent he is going to today.
} So, what's say we get a member of our audience up here
} and make a deal, OK?
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} All right, all right. How about you, Ma'am? <Brings
} up a woman dressed as a house of cards.> Appropriate
} costume, I must say! What's your name?
}
} "Matilda!"
}
} OK, Matilda, what do you think should be done with
} the Questioner?
}
} "Where is he?"
}
} Oh, that's right! Don Pardo, show our audience the
} Questioner!
}
} <Questioner lowered from ceiling on a rope, chained
} up and gagged, writhing from side to side.>
}
} There he is, waiting for his eternal punishment.
} What should be done with him, Matilda?
}
} "How about we delete all his files?"
}
} <AUDIENCE BOOS>
}
} No, no, Matilda, that's too lame. What we need is
} to destroy this person utterly! Any other ideas?
}
} "Um... how about breaking into his account and post-
} ing an uncompressed copy of Milton's 'Paradise Lost'
} to talk.bizzare?"
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} What a wonderful idea! Don Pardo, please make the
} appropriate arrangement! Now, Matilda, you can
} think up another punishment, or you can take what-
} ever is behind Door number two!
}
} <Scantily clad woman shows off door number two.>
}
} "I'll take the door!"
}
} Oh, I'm sorry Matilda! Behind that door is a
} copy of the Democratic Presidential Nomintion
} Ballot, a loser by any definition.
}
} <AUDIENCE AWWWWWS>
}
} How about you, sir? Step right up here. <Brings
} up man dressed as a pig.> What would you like to
} do to the Questioner?
}
} "How about carry him by helicopter over Mount
} Penetubo and drop him in?"
}
} Ooooh! Oooooh! I like it! But can't we torture
} him a bit more first?
}
} "Yes! Force him to read USA Today, while the
} official Unix Manual is read to him through
} eighty-decibel loudspeakers!"
}
} <AUDIENCE GASPS IN HORROR!>
}
} Oh, my, you are a cruel one! Don, let's do it!
}
} <Questioner starts screaming through the gag,
} as he is taken down from the chain and hauled
} away to have his punishment inflicted on him.>
}
} Now, Sir, as your reward you may take whatever
} is behind Door number one, or what's in this
} box! And I'll give you a hint, behind door
} number one is something with four wheels!
}
} "I'll take the box!"
}
} Excellent choice, sir! Behind the door was an
} '87 Yugo!
}
} <AUDIENCE BOOS>
}
} But in this box is... a code key, allowing you
} Root access to any system on the Internet!
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} So, we now return you to our regularly scheduled
} program. Thank you for playing...
}
} LET'S MAKE A DEAL!
}
} You owe the Oracle the charred remnants of your
} left foot.
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