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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>          H A C K E R   C R O C K E T T   B O G U S >                    C O N S U L T A N T S > > Hacker Crockett Bogus, Inc. > Quality Control Consultants > 32767 Kewbus Drive > Foonly Park, MD 22998 > > T. Usenet Oracle > c/o I. U. Vakks > Seess, IN 47405 > > Dear Mr. Oracle: > > Attached is the final report of our recently completed > quality-control study.  We have identified a number of grave > deficiencies in the current production process, which we > believe can only be remedied by a rapid and thorough > introduction of TQM (Total Quality Management). > > TQM means total quality, a commitment to excellence at all > levels of the organization.  The essence of TQM is a > paradigm shift at the process level.  Each stage in the > production process becomes involved in hands-on quality > management through extensive training and a total, > enterprise-wide restructuring of the information and process > flow. > > TQM requires each stage in the production process to come to > view the subsequent stage as its customer, and itself as the > customer of the prior stage.  Immediate feedback is > essential for on-the spot quality corrections.  TQM requires > the active involvement of management by practicing > "management by walking around," and a visible committment of > resources.  And TQM requires highly-paid, slick-talking > quality consultants with fancy letterhead and reports. > > Mr. Oracle, the firm of Hacker Crockett Bogus is uniquely > placed to help your enterprise make the transition into the > globally competitive, integrated market of the year 2000. > Without boldly innovative leaders such as yourself, the > American oracular industry will be ill-equipped to face the > growing challenge from overseas.  We congratulate you on > your foresight in commissioning this study, and look forward > to the opportunity to participate in the implementation of > TQM on a regular contractual basis. > > Upon receipt of the final report (enclosed), our initial > consulting fee of ### INTEGER OVERFLOW ### becomes due. > Thank you for your prompt remittance. > > Sincerely, > > Will Crockett > Senior Partner > > WC:bdm > > Enclosures: 1

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} T. Usenet Oracle } IU Vakks } Cease, IN 47405 } } Hacker Crockett Bogus, Inc. } Quality Control Consultants } 32767 Kewbus Drive } Foonly Park, MD 22998 } } Dear Sirs, } } Thank you for your letter. However, I too must show you a } quality-control report of my own: } } orrie 176 % zcat /archive/earth/design.control.Z | oget -type } important-stuff } } An assesment of post-production quality on class 3 Earth-like planets } (tm): } } Personal note from vulcan@olympus.com: } } Damn you oracle pus hjead! You knew damn well we didn't want a f*cking } _bellybutton_ on that damned planet! And that grin on the moon's face } is just too sad. orrie is a butt-head, orrie is a butt-head, orrie... } } Personal note from zeus@olympus.com: } } Oracle, due to insufficient quality in the design plans of } Earth (tm) - YOU'RE FIRED! Try answering mortal questions - they } wouldn't know quality if it stood up and spit in their faces. } } PS. O Oracle grand, what's a bellybutton? } } orrie 177% } } So you see, I just don't give a shit about quality. Well... } I _do_ appreciate a HIGH-QUALITY, NOVEL-LENGTH, HUMILIATING } GROVEL! SO, Mr. quality-control, } } You owe the Oracle an unlimited precision Integer math package, } and an explanation for Zeus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle whose wonders never cease to amaze my tiny brain > Whose feats are so large one cannot comprehend their magnitude > Would you please, please (I beg of you) take a small portion of > your precious time to answer the following question: > > Why is my boyfriend a conceited jerk (most of the time) and such > a cute, cuddly teddy bear the rest of the time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, out of every twenty-eight days, your boyfriend is a } teddy-bear one day, and a jerk the other twenty-seven.  The explanation } is simple: your boyfriend is a conceited jerk who is a were-teddy-bear. } } You owe the Oracle a silver bullet (you won't want one yourself.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most sublime and all-knowing.  You probably wrote this to > start with but enlighten me - *is* it better to suffer the slings and > arrows of outrageous fortune?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Showy fanfare music, screams of bored housewives] } } [A disembodied voice....] } And now, its time for your favourite game of chance, "The Money Or The } Gun".  And heeeere's your host, The Usenet Oracle! } } [Even more cheers] } } O: Thanks, Don.  Welcome, everyone, to another episode of "The Money } Or The Gun", the game show where contestants trade off can their } destiny of the day for the possibility of actual mutilation or Big } Cash Prizes! } } [Cheering hits fever pitch] } } O: O.K., Don, who is this week's lucky contestant? } } D: Right, Oracle.  This week's contestant is a Prince from Denmark who } enjoys fishing, sailing, knife throwing and politics.  Give a big, } Money Or The Gun welcome to Hamlet! } } [More cheers, though not as many as for Oracle] } } O: Thanks, Don.  Welcome to The Money Or The Gun, Hamlet.  Feeling } confident? } } H: Yep, Sure am, Oracle. } } O: Are you a gambling man, Hamlet? } } H: Well, I've been known to take a few risks in my time.... } } O: Are your family in the audience today? } } H: Unfortunately, no.  They are pretty unwell right now. } } O: Oh, thats a shame. Well, on with the show!  Don, what is Hamlets } destiny today? } } D: Hamlet, your destiny for today is to suffer the slings and arrows } of Outrageous Fortune.  Yes, Outrageous Fortune,  when you think it } can't get any worse, Outrageous Fortune is always there.  Since } 1,000,000BC, a family owned business catering to your every phobia. } } [Polite, keep-the-sponsors-happy cheers] } } O: Well, Hamlet, how does that sound? } } H: I'm not sure. It could be OK, but Fortune is such a fickle thing. } } O: Sure is.  That's why we are giving you the opportunity to trade } your Outrageous Fortune for what's behind this door: } } [Scantily-clad bimbo waves hands near a door with a big letter A on it } in the patented, I-can-smile-but-not-talk way.  This brings more } cheers and one wolf-whistle that is rapidly ejected by station } security.] } } O: Well, Hamlet, what'll it be? The contents of door A or the slings } and arrows?  What about it audience? } } [ Huge volume of shouts from the housewives:  "Open the door", "Take } the arrows", "The Door, The Door," etc.] } } H: Um, this is hard.  Um, Er, No, I'll take the Door. } } O: OK, Hamlet, you've elected to give up the slings and arrows for } what is behind door A.  Lets see what you have won! } } [The Bimbo opens door A.  All it contains is a very large card with $1 } stuck to it and the words "Or, Try Again".  Half the audience goes } "Oooh", the other half goes "Ahhhh".] } } O: Good luck, there, Hamlet.  You've got the One-Dollar-or-Try-Again } prize.  You can walk away with one dollar and no Outrageous Fortune, } or you can try again.  What'll it be? } } H: Well, $1 isn't much, I'll try again. } } O: OK, lets see the next door! } } [The set containing door A rotates 120 degrees, revealing another } bimbo and a door marked B.] } } O: Here is your second chance.  Will you go for the door or the slings } and arrows?  Audience? } } [More cheering, somewhat like before.] } } H: Um... Err...  To B or not to B?  That is the question!  Is it } better to suffer the slings and arrows of Outrageous Fortune, or... } No, hang it all, I'll take door B! } } O: OK, lets see what you have won! } } [Bimbo #2 opens the door to reveal a tomahawk.  The audience lets out } a low "ooooooooooohhh"] } } O: I'm sorry, Hamlet, no cash prize for you.  But in exchange for your } Outrageous Fortune you have won a small hatchet and a lifetime supply } of firewood.  Don! } } D: Yes, Hamlet, never run short of fuel again!   More trees than you } can ever use, all delivered to your doorstep.  All you have to do is } cut it down yourself!  This prize comes from the wonderful people at } Dunsinane Firewood and Mayhem. } } [poilte cheers from a sympathetic audience] } } H: But what's the catch?  Where is the punishment?  The mutilation? } } O: Tell him, Don! } } D: Yes, Hamlet, the kicker is this.  These trees don't _like_ being } cut down. And some of them get very cross when they see an axe.  And } they think you own a sawmill!  Good luck! } } O: Yes, good luck indeed, Hamlet; I have a feeling your going to need } it.  Thanks for playing! } } H: [In a state of shock] Oh, yes, Thanks, Oracle. } } O: Well, that's all we have time for this week, folks.  Join us next } week on "The Money Or The Gun"! } } [wild cheering as credits roll] } -------- } } So it appears that the slings and arrows are probably the best bet. } Unless you like trees. } } You owe the Oracle a very sharp axe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Pandemic Omniscient Oracle, I implore thee to grant me > enlightenment on my insignificant matter: > >       After five days struggling with ResEdit, "Inside Macintosh", and > a bunch of other mish-mash, I finally managed to create a Mac font, the > first ever readable Mac font I've seen. > >       My question:  Why did they make it so zarking difficult? > >       Related question:  Why is it that Volume 4 of "Inside Macintosh" > seems to say, "Everything you read in volumes 1-3 is wrong?"  Is it > some obscure joke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is quite simple: Macintosh fonts were never really meant to } be altered or changed, because Apple has always provided all the fonts } required by its overwhelmingly most important base of users, college } freshman writers who need to impress their instructors with } "neat-looking" papers. } } Perhaps you have not read any freshman essays lately, and are unversed } in the arcana of proper Macintosh typography.  The Oracle is kind and } patient, and herewith provides the Oracle Guide to Mac Fonts for } Freshman Writers and Other Aspiring Gutenbergs. } =============================================== } } FONT          SIZE   COMMON USES } } Chicago       12     The most crucial Mac font/size combination.  Use }                      for the body of your essays.  It's big enough so }                      you can get away with 500 words or so on your }                      6-page assignment, especially if you are clever }                      with your margins and spacings.  And it's a }                      hearty, bold font that really makes a statement }                      about what a serious student you are.  Your TA is }                      going to be impressed, because she's never seen }                      anything like it.  Probably all your classmates }                      are still using 1941 Remington manuals to do their }                      essays! } } Geneva         9     The workhorse of freshman essay fonts.  This }                      size/font combination is especially useful when }                      you need to put every single quotation you }                      downloaded from CD-ROM into your term paper and }                      you don't want to go over the page limit.  (HINT: }                      single-space!  Studies show single-spaced essays }                      contain approximately twice as many quotations as }                      double-spaced ones!) } }                      Geneva was not designed as a laser font.  It may }                      surprise you, but Mac "gurus" know it's only }                      "cool" to turn in a Geneva 9 essay that's been }                      printed on an ImageWriter with an original ribbon. }                       (I.e., one that has never been changed; you can }                      find one in any college writing center.)  This }                      gives your instructor the message that you're }                      serious about your writing--you're not seduced by }                      all that fancy graphic folderol of laser printers, }                      TrueType, and so on, like your roommate the Visual }                      Arts major. } } Courier       12     Apple paid Charles Schulz a respectable licensing }                      fee to carefully duplicate the font that Snoopy }                      uses when he types "It was a dark and stormy }                      night...".  It really does look just like a }                      typewriter font!  If you're on the school paper, }                      you can turn in your copy with Courier 12 and the }                      editor will know you're an "old hand."  Don't }                      forget to put the "--30--" at the bottom! } } Helvetica     10,12  The name alone says it.  It's a sans-serif font }                      with a hint of Continental panache, like Hannibal }                      crossing the Alps.  Kids at the Ivies and the }                      Seven Sisters wouldn't use anything else.  If }                      Sylvia Plath had had a Mac, this is what she would }                      have used to write her journals at Smith! } } London        18     Use for title pages for English classes.  It }                      impresses the hell out of the English profs-- }                      they'll think you've been studying 14th-century }                      Court hand just like Geoffrey Chaucer did! } } San Francisco 18     You'll stand out from the crowd when you use }                      this "wild and crazy" font for your title pages! } } Venice        14     Use Venice 14 for your creative writing }                      assignments. A restrained but soulful Italianate }                      cursive, it gives off intimations of espresso and }                      Gaulois cigarettes.  It was modeled after James }                      Joyce's handwriting, and is designed to slow }                      reading speed by 40-50%, so that your instructor }                      can savor and linger over your phraseology. } } Cairo         18     Famous old-time typesetters like the young Mark }                      Twain and Benjamin Franklin used "dingbats" to }                      liven their pages and give their All-American }                      prose real "zip"!  Semioticians like C. S. Pierce }                      and Umberto Eco have emphasized the importance of }                      iconicity to human sign-systems.  You can put }                      Cairo 18's frogs, trucks, and firecrackers into }                      your text with full confidence in their historic }                      and theoretical importance! } } Plus Athens, Monaco, New York, Times, and more...  Sure, it's } theoretically possible to create new Mac fonts, but with this } typographical wealth, why bother?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> George Bush damn them all! I was told we'd sail the seas for Amsterdam > gold! We'd soften no ion enhancers, we'd baffle to no reactants! Now > I'm a broken McCarthyite on an Edinburgh pier, the last of John > Travolta's mistress' gym teachers!  I don't understand it Oracle, I > can't even play kickball -- I'm mostly around to keep the scientific > supplies happy -- but Travolta has told me that he would personally > pour acid on me if I so much as got near the science room.  I'm going > crazy teaching golf to all of the floozies that Travolta hangs out > with.  HELP ME PLLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Fade to Usenet Oracle, holding a small box of pills.] } }       Does this sound like your life?  Well, if so, then you need new } Super Oracular Downers (or, SOD, for short)!  Yes, folks, SOD will help } you get through your hectic and crazy lives.  It's recommended by 9 out } of 10 Oracles for fast-acting, temporary relief from the insanity of } the real world.  Plus, SOD is coated, so it won't upset your stomach. } And, best of all, if you act now, you can get a year's supply of SOD } for the LOW LOW price of just $424242.42!  What an incredible Oracular } bargain! Call us NOW at 1-800-NEED-SOD; please have VISA or MasterCard } ready.  SOD, the only drug you'll ever need! } } [Fade out.]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o great and wonderful oracle blah blah blah really > cool blah blah blah dirt beneath your little toe blah > blah <ZOT> blah blah really unworthy blah blah REALLY short > user blah budget cuts blah blah blah blah no more dan > quayle requests blah blah gerbils blah richard gere (cindy > crawford) blah blah grape jell-o blah blah vat of > margarine blah lisa blah blah blah MAJOR civil lawsuit > blah blah loophole: > > everyone has questions to be answered. that's your > job. but, EVERYONE has questions. including you. so, > my questions is: > >       who answers *your* questions? > seeking enlightenment

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jesus answers all of my questions concerning religion, because } Jesus is WAY COOL.  He could walk on water and swim on the land. } That's so cool! } } Dr. Ruth answers all of my questions concerning sex.  Although I } like to think I'm a hep dude, sometimes I get confused.  Like, } what do you do with a latex body bag?  Or how much IS bondage } supposed to hurt, anyway?  She's way, waaay cool. } } Mr. Language Person answers all of my grammar questions, such as } "How do I tell a supplicant to go to hell and make him happy to } be on his way, and not commit grammatical blasphemy?" } } My significant other, however, answers all of the most important } questions about me.  Questions like "does my nose hair really } show or does it just feel that way?"  Or "Honest, honey, was I } boring last night or was I brilliant?"  (Correct answer: "You } were divine.")  That's so cool. } } Somestimes, though, I lie awake in my infiniteness, wishing there } were other Oracles out there like me, and wondering whether or } not, in some parallel universe, my exact double is lying about } wondering exactly the same thing.  At times like this I bow my } head and pray to the only true light in the Oracular universe who } can answer my *very deepest* questions. . . . } } Isaac Asimov.  1920-1992. } } You owe the Oracle a moment of silence.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr./Mrs. U. SENET ORACLE, > > You may already be a winner! > > If the Super Duper Amazing Grand Prize Entry Number enclosed in this > envelope matches the one which our computers have randomly selected, > our next list of Super Duper Amazing Grand Prize winners may look > like this: > > Catherine MacHinery > St. Louis, Missouri > $10,000,000 Winner! > > Sylvan LaCoiffure > Kissimmee, Florida > $5,000,000 Winner! > > Marjorie Rhyostat > Phoenix, Arizona > $5,000,000 Winner! > > U. SENET ORACLE > IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU > $10,000,000 WINNER! > > Ed McMahon > Burbank, California > $50,000,000 Spokesman! > > All you have to do is mail in the enclosed Super Duper Amazing Grand > Prize Entry Form, making sure to attach the right stickers.  If you > attach the right stickers, you will enter yourself into all of our > valuable sweepstakes offers!  If you attach the wrong stickers, you > will order over 75 valueless magazines, and agree to let us film > a sitcom in your living room! > > You can't lose!  Unless you don't enter (not that we're trying to > give you any ideas, here). > > So, the choice is yours, U. SENET ORACLE of IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU. > We can't wait to hear from you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to my prescient visions, the following things are about to } take place: } }     - The Oracle gambles a stamp and mails in His entry } }     - Nothing is heard from contest company for just a bit too long } }     - Heads of various mammals begin arriving in Ed McMahon's bed } }     - The company holds an emergency meeting } }     - The chairman declares that they should do nothing } }     - The chairman erupts into a screaming tower of flame } }     - The vice-chairman nervously awards The Oracle a special award } }     - Ed McMahon arrives at the Oracular Mansion with a previously }     unidentified but very young female, and presumably a check } }     - Lisa observes the Oracle looking at said female, and in a fit }     of rage burns her entire collection of rubber outfits } }     - The EPA files an environmental impact statement, naming the }     Oracle and all Oracular staff as libel for all damages } } No, no, no; hold it right there.  Sorry, but I don't think it's worth } it at this point.  Thanks anyway. } } You owe the Oracle a magazine subscription to the Greenpeace } newsletter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > I know you answer a lot of questions, and you must have a lot of > repeated questions.  Do you have a Frequently Asked Questions list? > Could you send me a copy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: MAILER-DEMON@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Mail Delivery Subsystem) } Reply-To: POSTMASTER@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu } Subject: Mail protocol failure } References: <9204121110.AA05454@tira.uchicago.edu> } } A protocol error was detected during attempted delivery of the reply } to your recent oracular query. } } Probable cause:       Your site is not yet equipped for receipt of }                       transfinite mail messages. } } Suggested action:     Take no action at this time. Your site MAY }                       eventually be upgraded. Until that time }                       delivery will be re-attempted every 28ms. This }                       may cause slight network disruptions, power }                       outages, and the end of civilisation as you }                       know it, but no significant ill-effects. } } The first five lines of the failing message are appended. } }                               - Baarqoz (deputy mailer demon, iuvax) } - FAILING MESSAGE ---------------------------------------------------- }                     Frequently Asked Questions }                     -------------------------- } } 1)  Is there anything more embarassing than getting your Willy frozen }     to the windsceen-wiper of a police cruiser?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, Oracle, who is greater in mind than Brian Murphy is in > stench, who is greater than an infinite amount of red Teenies, and who > is more awesome than a woman with low standards, answer me this, my > simple question: > >       Will my PC be sold and my Mac delivered soon (with little anxiety > involved)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your PC will be sold tomorrow, to a man who seems to be nice but } really is a MicroSoft employee. Your poor computer will then serve for } the rest of its life in MicroSoft's slave pits, compiling "Hello } World!" for Windows NT. And as if that weren't enough, when this } program is run it will be discovered that the programmer managed to } put no less than 23 bugs in it. Mercifully enough, your PC will never } know this since it will already have died. With its last breath it } will curse you for selling it. } } Your Mac will be delivered the day after tomorrow. At first you will } be very pleased with it. After a couple of days you will find yourself } saying things like "Look-And-Feel patents are good for you". Pretty } soon after that you will start accusing your neighbours of stealing } your house's look and feel. You will try to sue, failing repeatedly. } As you are about to loose your home from having used all your money in } court, you will happen to notice the subliminal message placed in your } Mac by Apple in an attempt to improve their public image. Enraged and } disillusioned by this, you wow never to touch a computer again and } start a crusade against the filthy machines. 17 years later, you, the } high priest of Lotekology in the USA, lie dying from the poison your } ambitious second-in-command has slipped into your coffee. } } You owe the Oracle an abacus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there anything more embarrassing than getting your Willy frozen to > the windscreen-wiper of a police cruiser?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No grovelling.  I'm not impressed.  We'll get to that in a minute. } } Hmmm, I think there is an embarrassment command on here.... } } Oracle# man -k embarrass } emb (1L)      - embarrass a user using a given event } eb (1L)       - determine embarrassment index } embuser, embuserathost (3N)   - open a ZOT-like connection for } purposes of embarrassement } } Right. } } Oracle# eb "freezing your willy to a police cruiser wind-screen wiper" } 1.0 } Oracle# } } Hmmm..... } } Oracle# man eb } } EB(1L)              UNIX Programmer's Manual               EB(1L) } } NAME }      eb - determine embarrassment index } } SYNOPSIS }      eb [ event description ] [ victim ] } } DESCRIPTION }      Eb is a tool to assess the degree of embarassment of a }      particular victim to a specified event.  It is most useful }      in combination with the command emb (1L), to assess a }      potentially embarrassing event before dispatching it. }      The eb command returns an index from 0.0 (no embarrassement) }      to 1.0 (maximum embarrassment).  Since a given event will have }      different degrees of embarrassment depending upon the victim, }      an optional victim argument is possible.  When not provided, }      the victim defaults to the current user.  With no arguments, the }      command reads single-line descriptions of events from }      standard input, and returns (to standard output) an index }      .... } } Oh.  The embarrassment factor of 1.0 is for me.  I guess because the } event is normally impossible (obviously the command doesn't take } omnipotence into account).  Let's try that again.... } } Oracle# eb "freezing your willy to a police cruiser wind-screen wiper" } $currentsupplicant } 0.7564323 } Oracle# } } Significantly less than 1.0.  So the answer to your question is yes, } there are many things more embarrassing than "freezing your willy to } a police cruiser wind-screen wiper".  Let's try one for fun.... } } Oracle# eb "freezing your willy to a the wind-screen wiper of a } police cruiser driven by a female policeman" } $currentsupplicant } 0.78233419 } } Wow.  That was a simple permutation.  And there is still 0.21766581 } to go! } } You owe the Oracle a reason not to inflict a 0.90, and MUCH MORE } GROVELLING next time!