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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most strategic, whose ability in managing armed troops makes > Napoleon's one look like toy-soldiers playing, kindly shade your > tactical light on this hideous problem of mine. > > I am a 27 years old Italian guy, I graduated in electronics engineering > exactly one year ago, specializing in s/w engineering, and since then > I've been both working as an information systems designer and attending > a PhD course in AI & NeuralNetworks. This is to say that things seemed > to go along fairly well for me....until the beginning of this year. > > On Jan 1st, after a most happy end-of-the-year party, my beloved girl > left me (the reasons for this remain uncomprehensible to me), and after > a few weeks she began dating actively with a friend of both (may this > help to comprehend?). > > Two depressed weeks after the Italian Government sent me a letter  with > a job offer I couldn't refuse, so that on Feb 5th I went to a nearby > small town to be involved in an amazing set of interesting things: I > had strange pyrotechnical experiences, was able to understand the real > value of even simple things, like a well prepared meal, was allowed to > meet people whose very existence had been unbelievable to me since > then. > > All this came with just a couple of drawbacks: I was supposed to do the > above always marching in group of forty peple named "platoons" and to > compress my vocabulary to no more than two words: "Yessir" and "No > Sir". Yet I supposed that if the Allmighty, whose Universenet arm you > are, had meant for me to be a soldier, I would then be borne with a > green baggy skin, so I'm upset a bit and think to dive into atheism. > > Now I spend my days in a dirty barrack, washing 976 dishes plus extras > any three days, serving as a janitor or a sentinel on weekends, and all > this is supposed to last twelve months, until Feb 3rd, 1993. > > >>>>>>>>>>>>>  A L L      T H I S      C O N S I D E R E D > > Please, please, great Oracle, > > ... would You tell me what black spirit I have offended, to deserve >     this revenge. > > ... would You please reconsider the choice You AllKnowing made about my >     destiny, education, ability, etc., and offer my an opportunity as >     an hotdog street seller in a VERY pacific and disarmed country. > > ... would you uncover the secret about the IQ-threshold level the Army >     uses in selecting its officers: do they really accept only negative >     values? > >                                       Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are forces in this universe that are incomprehensibe to many } humans. The only reason why you have had all this misfortune begin to } happen to you at the beginning of the year is only to maintain } universal equilibrium. You see,  this is the year of Lisa and I's } golden millenium.  So,  my gift to her was a year-long orgasm.  Due to } the extreme bliss she will be experiencing for the remainder of the } year,  someone must suffer in order to maintain equilibruim in the } universe.  Due to the mathematics of chaos, you were the inevitable } target for misfortune.  Chaotic math is not so chaotic after all. } Although it seems like you were randomly targeted for this seemingly } unfair treatment,  you were the only suitable victim according to my } equations.  I could have chosen someone more appropriate,  like Dan } Quayle, but then I would violate the laws of the universe and } everything would immediately distintegrate,  including myself.  So, } hopefully this is an adequate explanation for your plight.  It was } either you or me,  and since I am infinitely more powerful than you, } you lose.  At least I didn't <ZOT> you or something boring like that. } } You owe the Oracle a artificially-flavored cow tongue sandwich painted } in the colors of the Mexican Flag topped with whiskey.  ( Sorry, } according to my equations it is the only payment that will maintain } equilibrium. )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is why I try not to <Z0T> people anymore.  After a while } we get to the point where supplicants are so terrified of the } Oracle that they can no longer express themselves.  This poor } soul cannot even bring himself to speak. } } Calm down, and don't worry.  Being as I am, of course, Me, I } am aware of what your question was.  Everything will be all } right. } } Yes, it is cancerous.  I would have it removed at once.  Also, } even though you decided not to ask me, the other answer is } yes, she is.  While wearing your raincoat, I might add.  Most } amusing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, who could chop down the tallest tree in the forest > with a herring in no time flat... please do me the honor of > answering this question which has plagued the country for > generations and generations! > > Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question.  To answer this question there are several } things that I must know relavent to the situation that you are } adressing at the specific time of the request (I've been snoozing): }       1.      What type of gum? }       2.      Who's bedpost? }       3.      What type of bed? }       4.      Where you doing the nasty while in this bed? }       If item #4 is yes then the answers is simple, your gum will } not lose it's flavor because you placed it there prior to doing } the horizontal bop and thereby sealed the flavor in it.  The point } of how much flavor left is entirly another point, but it matters little } because if you did the nasty right you will look like a glazed donut } from head to toe so when you take the gum off the bedpost it will } remind you of your partner. } Else wise, if not doing the wild thing your gum will take on the } taste of whatever it was sitting on.  The reason for this is that the } chewing gum of your planet is used as flavor tranposer in all other } pars of the galaxy,(kind of like the copy command in LOTUS 1-2-3 tm) } therefore you must be careful where you place your gum so that it } only transposes the flavors you like. }       Some suggestions that I have are: }               1. A womans riding saddle }               2. The seat of an expensive Italian sports car }               3. The cup of any bikini top which could hold a large }                  water melon } You get the idea. } } You owe the Oracle Twenty cases of Sugar free HubbaBubba and one } bra size 32ZZZ.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Does anyone really find gingham attractive or is it a fabric > strictly reserved for tablecloths and the like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gingham was once a preferred costume of dogs (corresponding } to the calico of cats, of course), until one extremely } clever dog read the end of the poem. } } Since then, dogs have tended to avoid gingham.  It is } therefore used to make tablecloths for outdoor restaurants } in an attempt to keep stray dogs from stealing the food. } This doesn't always work, of course, since stray dogs do } tend to be the less literary types. } } Many people do find gingham highly attractive, but do not } wear it lest they be mistaken for a table or, worse yet, } shunned by dogs. } } You owe the oracle a gingham collar for her calico cat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No!  Why do you ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY MOTIVES!  WHY I OUGHT TO... } } Wait a minute... } } Damn this NSFNet T3!  I seem to have received your mail intended for } someone else.  I apologize, and suggest you specify a recipient next } time you forge mail! } } You owe the Oracle nothing, as you did not request anything.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Care for a cup of coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, certainly!  Thanks, supplicant! } } <The Oracle sips from the proffered cup.  A look of surprised } satisfaction crosses his face.>  Hey, this isn't bad at all.... } <Oracle swallows remainder of cup.  Suddenly, the Oracles eyebrows rise } and start to smoke as Mt. Vesuvius erupts once again to bury the } populations of three cities under molten rock! The Soviet Union rebands } and, united with Red China and the Philipines, conducts a massive } offensive that gains them some prime land in Sasketchewan!  A power } surge from the Consolidated Edison of Spain company blows every } computer circuit in the Olympic complex in Barcelona!  The Oracle's } face turns a deep shade of red as Chicago is covered in water, } California falls into the Pacific, and Moammar Qadafi joins the } Salvation Army.> } } JEEEEEEZ!!!  Next time, better make it decaf!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who sees all, knows all, and tells nothing except to Lisa, > please answer my humble question: > > If they put Charles Manson in the same jail cell as Jeffery Dahmer, > do you think Jeffery would find Mr. Manson to be up to his taste?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Actually, I hear tell that Mr. Dahmer only eats kosher meals, so I } suppose it would depend on how he killed him. The big question really } is what kind of wine he would serve with him. Generally, red wine goes } extremely well with psychotic madmen, while white wine seems to go } better with common muggers. And never serve a chablis with a rapist: } it's so bourgoisie. Politicians, on the other hand, are best served } cold, prefereably marinated in Night Train. Now, for your garden } variety convicted felon, I recommend a claret -- } }      RIGHT! THAT'S IT! STOP THE ORACULARITY!! }      [A man clad in a British army colonel's uniform instantly appears } next to the Oracle, who turns away from His terminal.] } }      "Eh?" } }      "Look, I'm sorry mate, but I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to } stop." } }      "What for!?" } }      "Oh, come off it!! You know what for! It's all this nonsense about } cannibalism!" } }      "What about it?" } }      "It's too silly!! We started off with a nice little question about } sharing a prison cell, but now it's got silly!!" } }      "Say, aren't you Graham Chapman?" } }      "Shut up! I'll ask the questions here! Now I insist that you stop } this Oracularity immediately!" } }      "You are Graham Chapman." } }      "Stop trying to change the subject...!" } }      "All right, fess up: Kinzler put you up to this, didn't he!" } }      "Now look, mate: are you going to stop this Oracularity or am I } going to have to get rough?!" } }      "Just you try it pal. Now come clean: Kinzler sent you, didn't } he?" } }      [Before the Colonel can answer, another figure appears and smiles } wryly at the Oracle.] } }      "No, my dear Oracle, he sent me. Allow me to introduce myself: my } name is Hannibal Lecter. Perhaps you'd like to hear my opinion on what } kind of wine goes best with deities?" } } You owe the Oracle a weekend together in a jail cell... in a white wine } sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic. } } [Incarnated as Bill Paul <PAUL@HARTFORD.BITNET>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Why Do time zones exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The idea of time zones was developed primarily as an economic } necessity. Imagine if there were no time zones...all the stock markets } would trade in a messy uncoordinated way.  With time zones, an economic } crash in Tokyo can gracefully propogate around the world in a calm } orderly fashion causing the death by suicide of stockbrokers, market } analysts and yuppies.  What could be better than that ? } } Another bonus time zones give us is the ability to joke about getting } on a plane then arriving at our destination BEFORE WE LEFT !  Isn't } local time vs global time a perfect way to piss off your relatives on } the other side of the International Date Line. } } In case you're wondering, all those little Pacific Islands that the } Date Line has to dodge around have one thing in common: no Stock } Market.  Go figure. } } You owe the Oracle a plan to metricize time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How would Roman Civil Law differ if the European-based > peoples had originated in the Americas and the peoples > who originated in the Americas had been from Europe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, that's an interesting one! Haven't had an interesting one for } ages! And I do mean *ages*! Since your query is both intriguing and } stimulating, I suppose I'll forego the usual non-grovelling supplicant } reply (consisting, of course, of a 3000-ampere current surge through } your very own keyboard, free of charge.) Now, let me see... } } ORACLE> PARUNV } } Parallel Universes Version 3.1 now running. } (C) 0000000 Heaven Inc. } } Please wait... } } (yawn) } } UNIVERSE> connect chris.sailed.east.to.go.west } } UNIVERSE> ftp uunet.uu.net } Connected... } } Login:  ORACLE } Password: } } Oracle rerouted to CourteousNode. } } How may we, Your humble servants, please Thee?> truncate prompt } Please?> find/eastcontinent/bootpeninsula/civilgov/law/gen } Searching... } } (Now that's service.) } } Done. } Please?> regurg/brf } } All records of pre-Columbian civilization in the requested area were } destroyed forever when the peninsula was"discovered" and "settled" by } soldiers from the two western continents in the late 1700's. } } Subsequent^C } } Please?> lo } Thank you for patronizing our lowly node. Connection closed by foreign } host. } } UNIVERSE> q } } You owe the Oracle an eagle feather and a home video of "Dances with } Wolves."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Orrie baby! Me and Ernesto got some > hot babes booked for Friday night! Care > to join us for some friendly hot tubbing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well guys I'm free. Let's make it one for each of you and all the rest } for me. } } Lisa : Orrie! How could you! You promised you weren't going to } philander any more. } } O : Hey Lisa, you misunderstood me. When the Supplicant was talking } about 'hot babes' he didn't mean girls, he meant uh, what was it again? } Yes that's right he meant his big new watermelons. You see 'hot babes' } is Slobovian for watermelons. } } L : So can I come along as well? } } O : Well there's only enough for the three of us ... } } L : I knew you were lying! } } <email message suddenly arrives> } } To: Lisa@Delphi } From: Hera@Mt.Olympus } } Lisa }    Zeus is going to be out on Friday night. How about coming over here }    and sharing Apollo with me. I've been just dying (figuratively }    speaking, after all I am immortal) to get my hands on him. } } < End of message > } } O : So you've been seeing Apollo have you! } } L : We're just friends. Hera and I are going play cards with him. } } O : Can I come along. } } L : But you're going to out with the Supplicant. } } O : That's right. Well let's see .... } } L : I have an idea! I'll go with Hera and Apollo, and you can go the } Supplicant is that a deal? } } O : Agreed. } } < Lisa leaves > } } O : Whew! That was a close call. I'll meet you on Friday night, and you } owe the Oracle some watermelons, and a mountain with a view of Mt } Olympus.