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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > I know you answer a lot of questions, and you must have a lot of > repeated questions.  Do you have a Frequently Asked Questions list? > Could you send me a copy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... you must be the mortal who just asked the question "why are } all women out to mess up men's lives?"  Good thing you realized that } it's better to get the FAQ than waste the Oracle's time.  Here's the } FAQ list (without answers.)  If you feel that one or more of the } questions below describe(s) your feelings, you can get the answer from } oracle.mystic.uncom using anonymous ftp. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------ } The Usenet Oracle Frequently Asked Questions List } Sun Apr 12 20:47:29 1992 } } Notations Used in the Answers (READ THIS SECTION FIRST!) } } 1. What does ZOT mean? } 2. What does ^H mean? } 3. What do @!@#$@#$ and the likes mean? } } How to Address the Oracle } } 3. What is groveling? } 5. What is flaming? } 6. Why is groveling unnecessary? } 7. Why did I get flamed by the priests for complaining about the lack } of groveling? } 8. Why did I get flamed when I didn't grovel? } 9. What is the best way to grovel? } } The Ten Most Frequently Asked Questions to the Usenet Oracle } } 10. Why are [men, women, or any other group with a predefined sexual } orientation] out to mess up lives of [the group with the opposing } sexual orientation] miserable?  (18 %) } 11. When will I have a [girl/boy/etc]friend?  (12 %) } 12. What is the meaning of life? (6 %) } 13. What is the answer to [insert centuries old dilemma here]? (6 %) } 14. Why are there [insert group of ethnic/cultural/sexual orientation } of choice]s around? (3 %) } 15. Why is it so hard to understand [insert scientific subject here]? } (2 %) } 16. Why does [insert name of relative] sleep with [insert name of } spouse]? (% 1) } 17. Why does [insert name of spouse] pay more attention to his/her } [insert hobby] than to me? (% 1) } 18. Why are there so many [expletive deleted]s around? (% 1) } 19. What the [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive } deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]?  (% 1) } } The Ten Least Frequently Asked Questions to the Usenet Oracle } } 20. What did Clyde Fonsteransky do on new years eve? (94 times) } 21. What were your choice for desert last time you ate at Al's? (49 } times) } 22. What did you think of my dress? (48 times) } 23. Will you come to my [birthday/anniversary/graduation etc]? (32 } times) } 24. How can I become succesful accountant? (25 times) } 25. Where is the ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H  What are you ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Will } you ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H I have no question -- sorry to waste your time. } (20 times) } 26. What time is it? (12 times) } 27. Where are the snows of yesteryear? (5 times) } 28. Where will you go for breakfast? (2 times) } 29. Is there a FAQ for the Usenet Oracle? (only once.) } } For more info, look at /pub/oracle/FAQ/bogus, /pub/oracle/LFAQ, } /pub/oracle/dev/null on oracle.mystic.uncom.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and wise Oracle, whose oderiferous emminations I only > dream of inhaling deeply from, Great One who's immense prperties > of logical thought could bring the great einstein to his knees; > Of whom the Earth and all of it's minor inhabitants are but spec in > the ever changing universe of your mind, please anwer me this question: > > Why are the toilet paper holders in the men's room so tight that > the mighty Hercules himself could not tear of even one single > whole sheet of paper for the use it was intended ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O mighty Hercules!  Thou prince of men, } Who wrestled e'en with dogs of Hell, } You stand glorious o'er the world alone, } Arms glistening, Yea! glowing with strength. } } Is it to come to this, at last? } Brought so low, defeated so eas'ly, } By art of men, the tissue dispens'd } Alone on the pot, the mighty one weeps. } } How then will thee wipe, O brave of the bravest? } He looks desp'rately for anything soft, } But nothing appears, no cleanliness to him, } Nothing will help poor Hercules' rump. } } Yea, yon holder of paper, thou bastion of evil! } You exist yet today, with strength undiminished! } Whence comest thou, bane of the mighty, } Spawn of Hades, Jupiter's whim? } } See, O Supplicant, worthy one, skilled } The problem is older than ev'n thou knowest, } Advice to thee, mortal: when moving thy bowels, } Use a sharp blade, a knife of good steel. } } O Modern age, scissors, steel unstain'd } Can we vanquish e'en dispensers from Hell? } Mortal, ye've asked, the Oracle has spoken, } You now owe the Oracle a new roll - and FAST.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most bodacious, totally rad and gnarly at once; > major dude, like, tell me this, would ja? > > I'm green and I have a shell stuck to my back. > What should I do, dude, Oracle like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, dude, like, listen very carefully: } } 1)  Go get one of yer totally awesome buddies (Leonardo would do well) } 2)  Go to a hot sunny place, like, without any shade, dude. } 3)  Get your radical pal to flip you like onto your back. } 4)  Tell your gnarly friend he's a total dweeb-a-zoid and you hope you }     like never see him or his canteen again.  Watch him leave. } 5)  Make a like totally futile effort to get to your feet and die }     kicking and squirming in the hot sun, leaving a shrivelled, brown, }     crispy dry carcass in the desert dust. } } You owe the Oracle a better slogan than "Internet: where today's mutant } ninja turtles are tomorrow's vulture shit."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who knows more than the sum knowledge in all help > manuals, who is far more helpful than all the Post Office workers > combined (and faster, to boot), please answer this humble request: > > Why is it that when somebody posts an "I have a neat collection of > x-and-such, mail me and I'll send you a copy" message, some clueless > dolt *posts* a "I want a copy" article? And what can we do about them? > > Your advice and expertise is greatly appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Faster than all the Post Office workers combined? Hmm, that can't be } too fast, this sound suspiciously like a grovel with an underlying } insult.... } } No, no <ZOT>-ing over grovels anymore, Lisa has kindly reminded me } of this one clever sentence in a rather unbelievable book: "Do not } unto thy neigbour what.. ehh...what...." oh well, you probably know the } rest of that line anyway. } } { } .Lisa? } *Yes Orrie?* } .Lisa, would you do me a favor and ... no, I didn't mean _that_, } ehh,..... } } -- some time later, Oracle a little more content and Lisa singing in }    the shower -- } } .Ehh, Lisa? } *Yes Orrie? Do you want to try a recursive cycle? } .Well, ehh, yes, eehh, no, not now, I can't keep this humble supplicant }  waiting much longer. I wanted to ask you to find that quote I was }  talking about, y'know, the one from that old book with those many }  rules in it, and that one quote you wrote on my <ZOT>ter... } *(a little disappointed) Sure. Wanna try the recursive thing after this }  question? (big smile) } } } } Hmm, where was I? Oh yes, the x-and-such lists requests. Now since } you are familiar with the Usenet, you _must_ know that there are and } always will be clueless dolts, no matter how hard you try to } avoid them. There are several solutions: } } - suggest this unknowing fool to send a very nasty message to me, }   chances are Lisa will let me <ZOT> a person for being insulting. }   ( *whispering* Even better, let that person insult Lisa, she will }     probably insist to <ZOT> him slowly ) } } - start a "me-too" thread in his name, causing the whole group to }   flame him } } - send him lots and lots of x-and-such lists, causing his account to }   cause stack overflow errors } } {*Orrie, you _are_ being nice to him, aren't you? } } } - Ehm, but ofcourse the best solution is to kindly remind the person }   that posting is not the same as mailing, and point at the 'mail me' }   in the original posting. } } You owe the Oracle a _mailed_ list of the blondes jokes, all the FAQ's, } the lawyer jokes list, the elephant jokes list, the practical jokes } list, the list of........

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh may THE BIG B. bless my unworthy fingers typing > on the unbelieveble concrete Contactfacility with which > I dare to disturb the silence which is around you're > Spheres up,up, where no man has thought before ... > > Is there any life after the death (of my pet hansi,the parrot)? > I beg a 1000pardons,but not my personal selfishnes is the > matter of this question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } Congratulations!  Your incomprehensible grovelling has defeated the } AI routines that answer 99.45% of the questions asked of Me.  Which } means that your question is receiving my personal attention.  Lucky } you, eh?  I am particularly impressed that you were able to be both } obsequious and nonsensical -- a few more years of practice and you } might make it into the big leagues; say, White House Press Secretary. } } In answer to your question, "Is there any life after the death of } your pet parrot?" the answer is clearly, "Yes."  You, several billion } other mortals, and a few trillion other life-forms scattered around } the galaxy are still alive and well.  And even if all the life forms } in the universe, grief stricken by the death of Hansi, had actually } offed themselves, lofty beings such as Myself, Lisa, and the other } deities would still be around.  It would be a lot quieter, though. } } "Er, Orrie..." } } "Yes, my dearest?" } } "I think he means `Is there an afterlife, to which his Parrot has } flown...'" } } "Well, if he did mean that, then he should have said so!  It's not } my fault if he doesn't ask a clear question.  Everyone knows the } rules.  It's right here in my contract..." } } "Orrie... Being pedantic is not a turn-on, you know..." } } "Ah... Er, well... Well, given that it was a decent grovel, I suppose } I can make an exception in this case..." } } Alright, mortal, listen up.  I'll give you the straight goods on the } condition that you never breathe a word about my bending of the rules. } One phoneme and you are Zot-jam, got it? } } There is, in fact, an afterlife for birds.  It is a wonderful place, } full of nice trees to perch on, and plenty of statues, cars and bald } headed people to desecrate.  The newspapers are changed daily and } always interesting to read, as they contain scurrilous anti-cat } propaganda.  There is also a regular bus route between Bird Heaven } and Cat Hell, where its always 'payback time.' } } As to whether there is an afterlife for people, well, you'll know } soon enough.  heh heh heh... } } You owe the Oracle a year's supply of chocolate-covered crackers. } } Omnisciently, } The Oracle } } PS: The answer to your followup question is `Wait and see.'

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise, who is smarter than the average bear, whose > pronouncements are even wiser than those of Deep Thought, whose > underwear I am not even worthy to wash, please tell me: Is there a > Starfleet regulation that requires women with impressive cleavages > to wear low-cut dresses? Why dosen't Counselor Troi in Star Trek : > The Next Generation wear a Starfleet uniform?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An excellent question, mortal! } } Counselor Troi does not wear a Starfleet uniform because she is } actually a Romulan spy sent to subvert the crew of the enterprise by } distracting them with her mammaries at key moments in the plot. But } there's no need to fear for our heros of the Next Generation. If Wesley } doesn't trip and stumble into Troi, pushing her into the warp drive, } then Q will surely flip-flop her sex and she'll look really funny in } those dresses. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Romulan wine and a TNG script where } Picard actually beams down to the planet himself instead of sending his } flunky Rikker.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I ask of your wisdom, great Oracle, > A question on matters historical: > Was Marie quite half-baked > Saying, "Let them eat cake," > Or was she just being rhetorical?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Student most curious and brief, } Marie was, of course, just a thief! }   The people of France, }   Had never a chance, } With Louis or Marie as a chief. } } For rather than speaking rhetorically, } This lady was scoffing, metaphorically. }   Marie was the Queen; }   The peasants unseen, } Deserved less than nothing, categorically. } } Through the land revolution did spread; } And Marie, for her part, had fled. }   With her neck in the stock, }   The crowds, they did flock, } To see her part shoulders from head. } } As payment for answer in rhyme, } Great Oracle demands ten cents -- one dime, }   Two deeds of great strength, }   A dissertation of some length, } And an end to your sordid life of crime.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh holy Oracle, wisdom and knowledge of the universe, keeper of the > secret of the frozen rainbows, keeper of the seven keys, owner of the > one and only answer to all questions, > > please let me know the answer of my following question: > > some friends and me are playing AD&D roleplaying games. there i am > actually the dungeon master (the one who creates the monsters & world). > now the question: what other classes than thiefs, warriors, mages, > clerics, druids, paladins, rangers, illusionists, bards and knights > exist? (please describe them as best as you can) > > thank you very much for listening to a simple wanderer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               Greetings, oh most mortal supplicant.  Here now are }       some of the other AD&D classes you so wonderfully groveled of }       me. } }               First, there's the mathematician.  This class includes }       all sets which do not contain themselves as an element.  Math- }       ematicians are very useful if your party comes across a dungeon }       which does not have a door leading to itself within itself. } }               Next, there's the biology class.  The biology class }       tends to put most intelligent creatures to sleep, usually with }       dreamy looks on their faces as they think of other places they'd }       really rather be. } }               And finally, there's the bourgeois class.  Somewhat like }       cavaliers, these characters usually just go in and buy out the }       dungeon.  Some Marxist D&D players claim that the bourgeois class }       actually send the proletariat class into the dungeon first to do }       the dirty work then take all the credit, but recent geopolitical }       events have disproved this theory. } }               You owe the Oracle a copy of every GURPS accesory pack }       ever released.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Calistrapi?  Who is Calistrapi, and why is she menacing me with a > canine bauble?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What? No groveling?  I'll see you in hell! } } I shall amuse you anyway. } } Calistrapi is an Italian chick.  She's a pretty tough customer. } Didn't you see ... } } "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator" } "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: Arnold's Revenge" } "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: Arnold doesn't know when to quit" } "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: Arnold is a bloody pulp" } "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: She ain't been touched yet" } "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: Arnold gets killed" } "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: She wants shot at title" } "Calistrapi vs. the Oracle: She's been warned" } "Calistrapi vs. the Oracle: Oracle thumps her in title bout" } } This quality epic depicts the rise and fall of Calistrapi who is master } of the canine bauble.  One can get a good feel for her life and times. } Also... } } "Extra!Extra!  See Calistrapi`s canine bauble on display at the }  Oracle's trophy museum."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh plucker of the cosmic superstrings, oh mixer of the ambrosia > (shaken, not stirred) of the gods, oh one whose feet are dripping > with the saliva of unworthy admirers, pray tell, > > What should I do? There is a bullet 0.01 picometres from my skull > move quickly towards my brain and I think ....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <blows grey wisps from muzzle of smoking six-shooter> } } Another geek bites the dust . . . } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly." } Or, rather, you would if I hadn't already shot you and taken it myself.