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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, Oracle, Great and Big, > What colour should I paint my pig?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sit here minding business mine } and you wish to dye a swine? } } The color should be done with care } and not harm its hide nor hair } } I would suggest plaid you see } because plaid appeals to me } } but it would be hard for find } on a round pig, a straight line } } So one full color I suggest } and to finish with this swinish jest } } my advice to you, whether young or old } "It's an olympic year, go for the Gold!"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #1  What image symbolizes the absolute of your desires? > > #2  Describe ways your life is affected by invisible forces > you don't understand or are barely aware of. > > #3  Tell a good lie. > > #4  Write a beautiful blasphemy that makes you feel like crying. > > #5  Describe the circumstances in which you were most dangerously > alive.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well!  You might not have groveled at all, but your questions bring } back a few memories.  So here you are: } } 1. Lisa is covered with jello and whipped cream, holding a small } Shih-Tzu which is wearing a Frederick's G-string.  There are marble } columns in the background which are purple with mirrors and the floor } is covered with Velcro.  In the background a Red Sovine song is playing } faintly. } } 2. I get up every morning, grumble out of bed, sit in front of my } terminal, and proceed to answer qyestions from ignorant mortals who } haven't a chance of getting a clue before they bite the big one.  Why? } } 3. Bush really does mean well.  He doesn't have any personal power } interests whatsoever.  He's out to help the farmers and the manual } workers.  It's just that all the red tape he deals with means he has to } make decisions that make him look like a power-hungry war-monger who's } licking the boots of the rich. } } 4. Elvis is dead.  Dead and buried.  He is *not* operating a hot-dog } stand in Dubuque, Iowa with Jim Morrison. } } 5. Well, there was one episode... I was visiting Olympus, and ran into } a babe called Aphrodite.  She was pretty hot, and invited me over to } her palace for a little Crisco and Hershey's Syrup.  I accepted, and we } were having a grand old time until her husband Hephaestus showed up. } He came after me with an anvil, and let me tell ya, a couple of } Oracular <ZOT>s to the head didn't even make him blink.  A <SMITE> } slowed him down a little, but I ended up having to run in a most } undignified fashion (that is, without my pants).  Hephaestus is a } pretty big guy, and all that weight finally slowed him down.  I got } away. }     But this is all an introduction.  The moment I was most dangerously } alive was when I snuck back into the Oracular palace without my pants } and had to try and explain to Lisa what I had been doing.  Take my } advice. Don't ever get her pissed off at you. } } You owe the Oracle a Barbara Walters interview.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...what the little "o" means on the diagnostic LED of a Tektronix > 8560 multi-user software development unit's disk controller > board, which is refusing to boot...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The little "o" means that an oceanic otter (named Octavia O'Connor) -- } obviously, oblivious to the obligations of her office, has obviously } oozed or ostentatiously opted or otherwise offstaged to some orgy or } oratorio or other odious occurrence.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do mathematics suck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Brownstein's axiom of negative mathematical distribution states: } }           2 }     P = Hv / r } } where r is the integral of f(s)dt over the range of an academic } semester. Since s can also be defined as function v for sufficiently } large delta v's, you can substitute } }     f(s)dt = f'(v)dt } } However, at sufficiently large delta v's (which can be experimentally } shown to be much more than two sigmas below an academic semester), } f'(v) is a negative function that decreases without bound.  (Proof of } this is left as an exercise.) } } Since H is always positive (as is the square of v, of course), over one } semester or more the value of P, the pressure exerted by mathematics, } is negative.  Ergo, mathematics sucks.  QED } } ======================================================================== } You owe the Oracle a proof of Fermat's last theorem, to be delivered } before 3:00PM tomorrow afternoon. } } Oh, and by the way...  That problem set in Differential Equations, the } one you pulled the all-nighter on and slipped under the TA's door at } the very last minute in one last desperate attempt to pass the course? } All the TA ever found upon opening the door was a rectangular smudge of } ash.  You see, I <ZOT>'ed it because you made not even a flimsy attempt } at groveling.  Rules are rules, you know.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who I fear to even grovel to, keeper of the > thousand-eyed hydra, wearer of exciting underwear, and grower of the > infinite toenail polish remover, do this one thing for me... > > Hey, Oracle, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! > > Nuth'n up ma sleeve....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wrong hat. } } You owe the Oracle a seven-and-a-half and something he'll really like.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail, Oh Convoluted One!  I smack my forehead against the dust at your > feet! I knock my temples against your doorkocker in hopes of an answer! > I extoll your greatness whilst spinning dizzily in the rinse cycle of > my washing machine to prove my devotion to your infinite divinty!  I.. > I..  I.. > > I've forgotten my question... > > NO WAIT!  Here it is... > >       Why is it that the first time I sent out a question to the > Oracle, I was immediately asked for a reply to another question, and > yet, was not so asked on subsequent questions?  Is there a shortage of > questions? A surplus of Oracles?  A limited supply of multiverse serial > numbers? > > Save me from uncertainty, Oh Supercalifragelistic One!  Tell me WHY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } We apologise for the sub-standard service you have experienced with } regard to question supply.  This was due to our not having received the } relevant parts from our supplier.  Needless to say, the supplier has } now been subjected to a painful and unrepeatable form of Japanese } torture. } } As recompense for the trouble caused, please select any one of the } following complementary questions and return the answer to the above } address. } } Yours faithfully, } }       P. N. Wunys, }       Oracularity Supply Services, Inc. } } Your FREE questions are as follows. } } 1.  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck }     wood? } 2.  Why? } 3.  What's the difference between a duck? } 4.  Is Lisa good in bed? } 5.  Can I get a date with Lisa? } 6.  I'm a complete computer geek.  How can I get laid? } 7.  Why did the chicken cross the road? } 8.  Is there anything more embarassing than getting your Willy frozen }     to the windsceen-wiper of a police cruiser? } 9.  What is a <ZOT!>? } 10. I'm bored.  What can I do? } 11. What are the questions on the next exam paper? } 12. } 13. I can't remember the question. } 14. What is the meaning of life? } 15. What's the difference between MC Hammer and MC Escher? } 16. What's the difference between a salami and a salamander? } 17. What's the difference between Solaris and Polaris? } 18. Who will be the next President? } 19. What's the strangest question you've ever been asked? } 20. When will ZYLOXIPHOBIN be invented?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From New York ("May we check your bags?") it's Late Night, with > David Letterman!  Dave's guest tonight is the Usenet Oracle! > Also, Paul Shafer and the World's Most Dangerous Band. > > And now, Mr. Wardrobe himself, it's David Letterman! > > <Music, applause> > > DL: Hello, how are you, nice to see you.  (Please excuse me >     while I take a moment to enjoy my jacket.  Ah...) > >     Ladies and Gentlemen, you could not have chosen a more >     entertaining program to view right there in the comfort >     of your own home.  Tonight, we have the Usenet Oracle >     with us, and we'll be bringing out the Oracle in just a >     moment.  But first, please say hello to our friend Paul >     Shafer.  Paul... > > PS: Thank you Dave, thank you.  Dave, I can't tell you how >     excited I am that the Usenet Oracle is here. > > DL: I know what you mean, Paul.  Paul, do you have a question >     for the Oracle? > > PS: Well Dave, I was going to ask the Oracle what the heck >     do I have to do to get a show of my own.  Ha ha, just >     kidding Dave. > > DL: Very funny Paul.  You know Paul, you can be replaced by >     a fifty buck Casio, you know. > >     Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest has been gracing >     us mere mortals with wisdom for many years now.  Please >     welcome the all-know, all-seeing, Carnak the Magnificent! >     Heh heh, just kidding.  Here now, ladies and gentlemen, >     the Usenet Oracle! > > <applause>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} UO: Dave, to answer you questions, yes, no, three of them, you'll have }     to ask Lisa, it's physically impossible for you without surgery. }     And Paul, 2 mg each day should be enough and it's difficult to }     prove anything. } } DL: What--- } } UO: I hoped you would ask me that. You owe the oracle (incarnated as }     bof@cs.uq.oz.au) an apology for the fourth question. }

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O!  Oracle,MostGreat  Wisest  OfThe  Wise  AndThe  Entity      That > The  GoddessesOfThe  Sexiest  Bodys  Drool  Upon  Please  Tell  Me! > What  IsTheAnswer,  Oh!Great  Deity  ToThis  My  QuestionThat  Must > BeOne  OfTheWorst  Questions         Created    ByThisPerson  (Me!) > JustTo  Be   One  Confusing,         AndWierd  QuestionThat  YouCan > Detect,    By    ThisSimple,  IfOdd  Fashion:  YouMustSquintYourEye > GentlyIn  This  DirectionAnd  Then,  TheQuery  WillBecomeRe  Vealed

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  OracleReplyNumberTenKazillionAndThree,InResponseToAboveQuestion. }  O!  Querent,WhoHasTo  OwnOne  OfThe  Nicest  Screen  EditorsThat }  The  Oracle'sHadThe  Delight  ToSee  WhatYou  Have  AskedIsAmong }  That  OfTheHardest  Thousand  Posts  ToComeTo  My  MailBoxSinceI }  Began  Tolerating  Questions         Addressed    ToMeInThisPoor }  Style.  It   IsA  ProblemIAm         NotCertain  YouAreWillingTo }  Hearken    My    AnswerTo.If  Brave  YouAre,And  StrongOfHeart,I }  AskYouTo  Look  AtMyResponse  InThe  SameManner  AtYourOwnRisk.I }  MustTell  YouI  WishYouNever  Asked  SuchARisky  Question.YouSee }  MortalsWereNeverMeantToKnowThingsLikeThis.AllMortalsWantToAccept }  SomethingAlongTheLinesOfDivineIntervention,ThatTheirLivesAsAFact }  Do  AddUpTo  MoreThan     Simply            ATiny      PensionAt }  An    EndTo  ACareer  And  Lunch            Once  Each  WeekAtMc }  D.  I  Hate  ToTell  You,I  ReallyDo,  ButLifeJustIs  OneBigSlab }  Of  &*  #!%  After  Another  GotIt???  YouWakeEarly  BeforeSheep }  Or  Pig  Or  Other  Animals  WithMore  ReasonAndYou  DoItInOrder }  To  Kill  A  Little  Time!  HearMe,Oh  Humans!YourMiserableLives }  Of  WoeTo    MeAreSo  Fun  ToWatch!HA  HAHAHAHAHAHA  HA!JustWait }  To  FindOut  IfYouCan     EverBecomeA  HumanBeingOf  Happiness.I }  DoubtIt!YouOweTheOracleMontyPython's"TheMeaningOfLife"InBetaForm

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O wondrous Oracle whose name shall not be taken in vain, except in > comparison to the more notable Greek Gods, > >         How is it that chocolate is considered an aphrodisiac, when it > never brings me romance, yet brings acne and puppy fat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "The Usenet Oracle": "An answer to the #Qa09602 question is required by } the Oracle." (Apr 22,  6:26): } } First of all, dear supplicant, congratulations for your excellent } grovelling! And now to the matter at hand.. } } The answer lies in the question itself. Ask yourself "considered BY } WHOM?" and the following facts become evident: } } * CHOCOLATE AND COURTSHIP: The heart-shaped chocolate box is an age-old } metaphor of old-fashioned courting.  Hundreds of such boxes have been } presented to young maidens by handome suitors in older Hollywood movies } and syndicated cartoons.  But HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE RECIPIENT EAT THE } CONTENTS? Of course not; the lady is delighted by the present but } promptly hands it to the plump servant maid, takes the suitor's arm and } leads him to the patio to meet her parents. } } This may partly be because actresses must watch their figure; but so do } all unmarried women nowadays.  It wasn't always that way: the current } concept of feminine beauty differs radically from e.g.  the baroque } one. The lovely ladies of Rubens were free to eat as much chocolate as } they liked! This is a special case of THE PRINCIPLE OF LUXURY FADS (and } chocolate certainly is one): something is luxurious only as long as } only the wealthiest can get it.  Consider e.g. the tan: In former } times, most people had to work outdoors, so the rich flaunted their } wealth by staying in and obtaining a milk-white skin.  After } industrialization most people began working indoors, so the rich } started flaunting the fact that they can afford to lie in the sun. } } BTW, guess what happened to the chocolate box? Yep, the maid ate it. } She will stay an old maid, due to her looks, and remain a loyal servant } of the family. Doubly clever. } } * CHOCOLATE AND ROMANCE: The strongest - and perhaps only - connection } between chocolate and romance is the connection between the pulp } magazine rack and the candy rack in your local store. Their intended } consumers are the same; "C'mon, pick up a romantic paperback and a big } box of chocolate - you'll never have a real date anyway.." } } Both products employ the same marketing gimmicks: just consider the } people in the paperback covers and candy bar ads.  Young, slender, } beautiful,..  the kind of people who probably obey the strictest diets. } This insultingly simple formula works as well: the makers of Mars &c. } are among the 10 wealthiest families in the world. } } * CHOCOLATE AND LOVE: Scientists have discovered that chocolate } contains a certain enzyme, which the human body emits when in love. } Therefore they speculate that excessive chocolate-eating is } unconsciously used to cure the "hang-over" after an affair. } Unfortunately, some addicts become junkies and cannot stop, even after } a decent mourning period. Sweden, a North-European country renowned for } its casual attitude towards not only sex but also other emotional } subjects, is now offering rehabilitation for chocolate junkies. The } treatment consists of an overdose of Marabou milk chocolate and a } stomach pump. } } * CHOCOLATE AND SEX: This is really an unsuitable subject for a } discussion accessible to minors without parental guidance.  Suffice it } to say that chocolate stains are very difficult to remove from silk } sheets. } } These should be enough for you to draw your own conclusions. } } You owe the Oracle a revised paperback edition of "The Capital" by Karl } Marx with a happy ending. And 100mg of melted chocolate intravenously.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O tasteful Oracle, whose phone cord is never tangled, who can drink > even the most heinous beer and yet enjoy it and not be hung over the > next morning, whose hair is more elegantly coiffed than Cher's and yet > is still pleasing to look at, please answer for me this question: > > When I'm lifting weights, what can I do to avoid being distracted by > the large-breasted woman who is always on the Stairmaster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While focusing on your inner chi, repeat this mantra over and over } again: "they're_probably_dow_corning_implants_they're_probably_dow_corni } ng_implants"and find what peace there maybe found in silicone, er, } silence.