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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that.. > > "men and women were created equal, but then women > continued to improve"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes of course it is!  In the beginning, the human species was } released as human1.0b.  The man/woman thing was a very simple } software switch.  But like all software projects, } human1.0b was enhanced and improved on.  Things like external } plumbing went away, not to mention the more subtle changes like } getting rid of the gallons of testerone that made the old version } so unpredictable.  However, around human12.34 it was realized } that these enhancements had been made only to the women and } the men were still stuck at human1.0b. } } You may have been in a similiar situation yourself.  You know, if } you have just installed fortran1.4 but still have the } old fortran1.1 hanging around "just in case."  And to be honest, } there's still some good features of fortran1.1 that were removed } from fortran1.4.  In the human case, it has been found that many } of the members of human18.54 (the current release) quite like } some the features from human1.0b.  Besides, the gallons of testerone } make it much easier to squash yucky bugs. } } Several quick and dirty fixes have been introduced along the way. } In human14.5 the standard human1.0b was used, minus the external } plumbing.  These failed to be popular outside of sultan's harems. } In human18.52 the plumbing was retained but the mindset was altered, } hence the emerging Sensitive New Age Guys you may occasionally } run across, but these are unlikely to squash bugs for you and } hence are not completely popular either. } } A longer effort is in the planning to truly merge some of the better } features from both releases while retaining the important differences. } However, like most software projects, progress has been } mired down by committees and endless staff meetings.  I wouldn't } expect to see anything really good before the end of the next } millenium.  And by then, you'll probably have to buy a new site } license too.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most sharply-dressed Oracle: > > Who is that little man wearing my pants and why is he doing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Inside every man's pants is a little man.  He lives there, nestled in } fur, keeping himself warm and ready for action, at which time he is } dressed in a little latex vest (he tends to dribble a bit when taken } out in public).  He is so shy that he actually stiffens with fear! Due } to the fact that he lives permanently cossetted in fur, he tends to } like being surrounded by it at all times... he will do his utmost to } bury himself in anything furry that he encounters whilst in this } dressed-up, scared-stiff state, so much so that he will dive into the } recently encountered fur, then, finding that he cannot get in far } enough, reverse out and proceed once more to dive in!  He does this } with such fervour that he makes himself sick and then gives up, } falling asleep and relaxing in the process.  At this point, he } disappears back into his man's pants, staying there until the next } time he comes out in public... } } The Oracle got sidetracked once again....   >sigh<

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Shiny bubbles, in the wine, >  make me feel happy, make me feel fine." > > This, O Oracle, is an ancient song of merry making, > before CPSC geeks had the Oracle to make them feel > happy and needed. Now you, O Oracle most effervescent, > are the bubbles in their chocolate milk which crusts > up VT100 keyboards so effectively. O Oracle > inambulamnistic and poincare, please tell me: > > what if the bubbles are in your bloodstream?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shiny bubbles, in the blood, } Make the heart go "Thud Thud Thud" } } As the bubbles go round and round, } The heart, it stops this normal sound... } } As the blood begins to fizz, } The brain itself begins to Zizzzz! } } Blood and bubbles, round in a loop, } The body now begins to droop! } } Valves of heart, by bubbles blocked, } Brain goes off, all half-cocked, } } Body falls, down to floor, } Person now is no more. } } You owe the Oracle an epitaph and no flowers, by request.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Big Oracle-type dude: > > What should I do if I fail all of my finals this semester?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Repeat after me: } } "Would you like fries with that?" } } You owe the oracle two burgers, a large diet coke, and an order of } fries

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      "Hello?" he called meekly.  His voice echoed in the scary chamber. > The ceiling was sooty and the place smelled of lighter fluid. > >      "Hello!" he called more boldly this time.  "Is anyone here?" > >      He had been told by a fairy-girl with dainty feet that this place > was occupied by a temperamental spirit she knew only as "Uncle Orcle", > who could answer any question. > >      "Great Uncle Orcle!  I hope you can hear me.  I traveled for > weeks to come here.  I crawled through miserable deserts by day and > stumbled groggily over mountain ranges by night.  I ate nothing except > one insect by accident.  I came to ask the following question: > > IN WHAT POSITION DO PORCUPINES MAKE LOVE?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wizened oracle gazed thoughtfully upon the child.  "I have trouble } believing, my son, that you are truly as young as you seem." } } Just as the almighty <ZOT!> lay poised on his finger, Lisa cried } "Orrie!  No! He's just a kid, and besides, there's lighter fluid in } here." } } The Oracle pondered, and lowered his finger.  "I see.  Well, child, } here is the answer to your question: } }       Porcupines make love in many ways, }       As many as number warm summer days. }       Sometimes you think they would prick themselves silly, }       But that's what they need, a prick or a willy. } } You owe me the bug you ate." } } And the child did leave, having been enlightened.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most humble oracle: > > How much is that gorilla in the window?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Cost of Gorilla = x + ay + bz + c } } The gorilla itself costs some amount x. Then there's the cost of } feeding the gorilla, which eats several pounds of bananas a day, which } is a days at y per pound. Then we throw in a personal pooper scooper } for the gorilla (let's face it, you wouldn't want to scoop up his shit, } now would you?), which costs z dollars per number of hours b. } } And what's c? Well, c is the amount of damage the gorilla will do on } your house, your town, your state, and eventually, the whole world, } which as the pet's owner, you would be reponsible for. } } The question you should ask yourself is -- do I really _want_ that } gorilla in the window? Think about it. } } You owe the oracle some bananas, whipped cream, and a cherry on top.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to make a lot of money,if i have nothing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They used to say, "It takes money to make money -- or a very good } printing press."  But today, there are lots of opportunities } available to persons like yourself to make millions and millions of } dollars, drachmas, pesos, or lirae WITHOUT HAVING TO GET A JOB! } Here are just a few examples: } } 1. Take out a small ad in the local newspaper offering to sell people }    your own personal secret to making money, which happens to be }    taking out a small ad in the local newspaper offering to sell }    people your own personal secret to making money. } } 2. Send your congressman a letter stating that you possess certain }    tapes, videos, and 8 x 10 glossy photos that he might be interested }    in for a price.  When he pays you, send him a copy of that old Air }    Supply tape you've been trying to get rid of and a picture from }    your trip to Fiji. } } 3. Find out when the next Mafia Godfather trial is scheduled for in }    your area (there are usually six or seven per month in New York). }    Dress up like a judge and hang around the courtroom until three }    men in Italian suits and designer sunglasses show up and hand you }    an envolope full of cash. } } 4. Sell your neighbor's car. } } 5. Stand out on the street corner selling small bags of flour or }    baking soda for extremely high prices. } } 6. Become a rock star.  If your backup group is loud enough, you don't }    need any singing ability.  If you slur your words enough, you don't }    even need to be able to write lyrics! } } 7. Develop a cold-fusion reactor in your basement. } } 8. Ask the all-knowing, great and powerful Usenet Oracle to reveal to }    you next week's winning lottery numbers.  I would have done it in }    this post, but you didn't grovel. } } 9. Become a televangelist.  All you need to start out in this lucrative }    field is a bible, a microphone, a public-access cable station, and }    a post-office box. } } 10. Go to your local hardware store and buy all of the hammers, screws, }    toilet seats, and coffee makers that you can afford.  Sell them to }    the Pentagon at 10000% markup. } } And if you use your imagination, I'm sure you can come up with dozens } more.  You owe the Oracle 10% of all you make in the future.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I have but two questions that friends of mine would like > to have answered. > > 1) PW wants to know why men have nipples. > > 2) EH wants to know if bliss is ignorance. > > Could you possibly answer these questions for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > 1) PW wants to know why men have nipples. } } Ah yes, well, you see, your question is well put, but sadly } misinformed.  Men are *supposed* to have nipples.  It's women who } shouldn't have them.  Mix-up somewhere along the evolutionary line, I'd } expect.  Terrible cock-up. The nipple was originally designed as a } secondary erogenous zone for the male to mitigate the fact that his } primary zone afforded him nothing but the briefest of releases (except, } of course, in the case of whips, chains, and sushi bars, but Lisa made } me promise not to reveal any of that until she'd gotten the patent } rights fixed).   Women were initially blueprinted to have breasts with } little wooden spigots, one labeled "Hot" and one labeled "Cold". State } of the Art being what it was at the dawn of time, fancy metals ones } couldn't be used (I had to point this out to God or else technological } evolution would have gone straight down the drain, so to speak, from } the beginning).  Sadly, the blueprints for kitchen sinks, which were to } have fancy squeeze bulbs for primitive water pressure washing, were } somehow substituted for the female human blueprints.  Something to do } with Adam being around when God was building sinks and said "Pass me } the wrench". After installing nipples on Eve, Adam realized he'd made a } mistake and dropped the "r" somewhere along the way, but by then it was } too late (and no one's been able to improve on the design since anyway, } so it's best to leave well enough alone). } } > 2) EH wants to know if bliss is ignorance. } } Well, anagramatically speaking, if your SO says to you "nice organ!", } it would be bliss for you born out of "ignorance", so yes, I should } think it is.  Depending of course, on who's turning the spigot. } } You owe the Oracle a glass of milk.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear oracle betsy and melissa got some pictures of me with the thing > and they said theyd show them to mommy if i dont do what they say and > they keep making me poot myself while they watch and fillip them and > poot myself and go naffy in my panties and poot myself adn do the > limber thing with bob and poot myself to bob while they watch and > offle them one at a time and poot myself on the floor and offle them > both at once and poot myself again while they laugh at me and im > cryign crying cryign but i have to poot myself again or theyll show > mommy what can i do now oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <The Oracle is presently in Spain, posting bail for Kinzler, who was } arrested for attempting to poot and offle during the recent Sports } Illustrated photo shoot in Barcelona.  The Oracle regrets not being } able to answer your question. } } The guest panel today will answer in the Oracle's stead.> } } Anne Landers: } } That is disgusting!  One should NEVER have one's bridesmaids wear } different color dresses.  I suggest you drop these women immediately. } } Ruth Westheimer: } } It is a perfectly natural thing.  You do not need to be ashamed to have } a picture of it.  And poot yourself, but only if it feels good!  Good } poots are good, but bad poots are terrible!  And I always liked doing } the limber thing with Bob. } } Carl Sagan: } } Ooooo!  I wish I had that picture to put on Voyager! } } George Bush: } } I blame the Democrats.  This would never have happened if you were a } Republican. } } Dan Quayle: } } What? } } <We now return you to your regularly scheduled Oracularities.>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all-knowing Oracle, > > Tell me about John E. Hovercraft, the famous Touring Award Winner and > best-selling author beloved by millions of nerdy CS students?  Is he > full of eels or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please!  Supplicant, do not make fun with John.  He is not full of } eels; although he does have the nasty habit of continually asking to } Oracle to come round to his place (bouncy bouncy).  While on the } surface this might seem like a good grovel, it makes Lisa rather } nervous because he never invites her. } } Yes, he did win a Touring Award -- I believe for the incredibly low } price he paid for his vacation to the Philippines.  He was also the } recipient of the slightly less well known Turing Award. } } You owe the Oracle that ACM collection of Turing award lectures, which } he keeps meaning to buy but hasn't gotten around to it yet.